kirk is so trying not to laugh

The Signs as Things my Grandfather Has Done

Aries: Rolled down his window and screamed: “YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF IDIOTS” at people protesting something he didn’t personally agree with. (I can’t remember exactly what they were protesting… I just remember it happening)

Taurus: Trash talked Donald Trump on a number of occasions, and called the guy who threw the shoe at George W. Bush a “goddamn national hero”.

Gemini: Looked me dead in the eye and said “Shianne, I’m so glad you agree that Kirk and Spock are gay. I’ve been trying to tell your grandma that for years.”

Cancer: Recorded all the episodes of Full House and put them on a video cassette for me. 

Leo: Whenever we drove past the cemetery told the same shitty joke: “You know people are just dying to get in there…” He laughed hysterically every time this happened. 

Virgo: I asked him what he was afraid of, he answered, “I’m afraid of someone holding a gun to my head and threatening to kill my entire family. That’s what I’m afraid of”. I was 7.

Libra: Jumped out of a moving car to avoid an argument with my grandmother.

Scorpio: Watched FOX News with me and paused every 10 seconds to explain why they were wrong. 

Sagittarius: Stayed up all night watching reruns of Seinfeld on multiple occasions.

Capricorn: Got really irritated that I kept calling crayons “colors”. He corrected me every single time.

Aquarius: Never signed up for the draft, even though he was 18 in ‘68. Is also very proud of this and says “I WOULD DO IT AGAIN!!!!!” on many occasions.

Pisces: Took a picture with his toy sized Yorkie for his Christmas card. They posed like he was taking her to the prom, and he was wearing a suit for some reason.

Pavlovian Boner

Characters: Bones x Reader

A/N: based on the conversations started by @bkwrm523 and @medicatemedrmccoy about how “Lee” prompts an unwanted boner.  Sorry it’s a little short, but i can definitely do a sequel… ;) enjoy babes

Warnings: it’s all sexual references and boners

Words:1739

tags: @annalisehartmann @outside-the-government @yourtropegirl

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Georgia Gal

Pairing: Bones x (Southern!)Reader

Word Count: 1914

Warnings: Some swearing, general bar creeps

A/N: Not my first fic ever but my first Bones fic! Very loosely inspired by Ed Sheeran’s “Galway Girl” (maybe if you squint?). Let me know what you guys think!! 

You weren’t quite sure how you kept ending up in this situation - settled in alone a noisy bar with your friends long gone and tongue deep in strangers by now.

“I need to find better friends,” you muttered to yourself as you knocked back what was left of your drink.

“Well, then it’s lucky I’m here” came a cocky voice from your right.

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okay but i want a fic where the enterprise is like on the outskirts of federation space and they pick up survivors of a half-wrecked cardassian freighter and one of the refugees is sybok who totally knew the attack was coming and low key orchestrated it but thats another story because when he gets beamed aboard he and spock have a reunion and it’s very logical and all but kirk is like holy shit spock you have a brother??? why did i not know?? and spock is like you never asked and sybok takes one look at the two of them interacting and realizes how bad his baby brother has it for his captain and says wow spock way to introduce me to your t’hy’la and spock BUGS OUT and gets all flustered and kirk has never seen him act like that before and is like wait what does that mean and spock won’t tell him and practically runs away and sybok is too busy laughing and getting debriefed, and then for the rest of the mission spock won’t look at kirk and he starts to wonder what that word actually means so he keeps trying to work it out of sybok or uhura but they won’t tell him and spock avoids him like the plague, and kirk starts to get dejected because maybe he’s done something wrong, somehow offended spock or something, and sybok realizes that the human is stupid in love too, and bribes scotty to lock them in the turbolift or a supply closet or something because they’re both just idiots and they need to make out and of course scotty does it because its been painfully obvious to everyone on the ship for months that the captain and first officer are SO IN LOVE, LIKE GO FUCK ALREADY JESUS 

and then they do. in the turbolift. 

Bones and Jim accidentally find out what makes Spock laugh. Like really, truly laugh.

when it happens, Spock’s eyes go wide and he emedently bends over and slaps his hands over his mouth and of corse Jim and Bones are worried, like, “omg are you ok?! whats wrong?!” and Spock doesn’t answer, just bends over more, his eyes crinkling up and now Bones is like “im gonna go get my stuff he’s dieing fuck u Spock for dieing right here right now i dont get payed enough for this shit” but as he’s leaving Spock’s sholders start shaking and jims like “please Bones do something! oh no whats wrong, what’s going on with our boyfriend?”

And then Spock starts making noises and theyre quiet and muffled and his sholders are really shaking now and his hands start trembling so he lowers them and its then that Bones and Jim can see he has this big smile on his face and he’s LUAGHING and he keeps trying to cover up his mouth again but he can’t he’s laughing to hard so instead he just holds his stomach and just laughs harder.

Jim of corse just lights up and is so happy like “LOOK AT THIS HIS SMILE IS SO PRETTY OH MY GOD” and then there’s Bones who’s all “shit he really is sick” but is only saying that because shit Spock’s cute when he laughs

enjoy some enterprise crop tops! 


I heard from a beautiful little bird that americans don’t have zinc, so I thought I’d explain what’s on Spock’s face here. In australia we have zinc, which is basically industrial level sunscreen. It goes on like a liquid chalk and it fucking stay on, it’ll last hours in the ocean, getting whacked in the face with waves. It’s also always a bright colour, so you can see when it washes off. So yeah, Spock has zinc sunscreen on his problem burn areas. And the rest of the crew have been trying very hard to not laugh at him. 

Imagine going to a pumpkin patch with Chris. He’s been so excited to go pumpkin picking, you practically have to run to keep up with him. He stops by the table of mini pumpkins, gushing over how cute they are, while you wander off. After a while, he finds you towards the back of the lot trying to roll away with a pumpkin three times your size. All he can do is laugh at how totally adorable you are.

Divided - Pt.1

This is a direct sequel to Unexpected Guest.

Thanks to @mccoymostly for planting the little plot bunny in my head and being my idea bouncer and beta. If everyone likes this and wants me to continue, there will probably be two more chapters.

2,685 word(s) of - fluff, fun and set up

No warnings  -  Leonard x Reader


You shimmered onto the transporter pad of the Enterprise, sighing deeply as you stared at the grey walls now surrounding you. You were standing in the front yard of your house just seconds before, with the warm breeze in your hair and the sun on your face. You loved space and were excited to be back, deep down, but it was always hard to leave your home and the blue skies behind.

You made your way down the familiar halls to your quarters, keying in the code to get into your room. The doors swished open quietly as you stepped inside the room. “Ahhh my home away from home.” You spoke quietly into the empty room, as you took your bags to your bedroom and dropped them inside the door, vowing to get to them later.

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Part 1

Summary:  Two weeks after waking up with no recollection of the people and ship around you, you take your future in your hands and try to piece together your past and the events that lead up to you losing your memory of the last five years. This means finally meeting Scotty, the man you just learned is your husband.

Word Count:  1,138

Author’s Note:  This is my first series that I’m posting on here! Please let me know what you think, I really love getting feedback.

Table of Contents Here



Scotty looked up at exactly the wrong moment. Jim made a joke and the whole table burst into laughter, including you. Your beautiful eyes crinkled up and your unapologetic smile bared your gleaming teeth. You simply shone.

Scotty couldn’t even bring himself to laugh when you laid your hand on Jim’s arm, steadying yourself as you calmed. Scotty’s heart clenched painfully.

And then there was Jim, that bastard, not that it was his fault, leaning in and laughing with you, tickled to make you smile so beautifully.

Scotty mumbled an excuse and stood, dropping his napkin on his tray and leaving the table at a steady stumble, trying to navigate through the pounding of blood in his ears.

The hallway rang with silence as the mess hall doors closed behind him.  Scotty looked up and down the hall, completely lost. He’s walked every single hall of this wonderful ship with you on his arm and now… what’s a man to do without you? How could he possibly move on and find some semblance of peace when you were in there laughing like that with Kirk of all people? Captain Fucking Perfect Hair with all his goodman charm and warmth…

“Scotty?”

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4

Name: Not to the Sickbay you say?
Pairing: Bones x Reader
Summary: the reader is on a mission with Kirk and gets badly hurt. However, she refuses to go tot he sickbay, so Kirk slowly realizes that she got a huge crush on Bones, so he decides to help the two idiots.

You always knew that Monday was not your lucky day, but today was special - since the very moment when you woke up (and found Sulu’s crazy plant in your shoes) your day has been getting worse, and a huge stone falling on your hip during a two-men mission was only a logical continuation of the day.

“Y/N, you are an incredibly lucky person,” Kirk sits down by your side, injecting you with a strong painkiller. “If you made a hundred more meters in any direction, the Enterprise would be able to beam us up, but… Here we are.”

“I am sorry, captain,” you mumble, and Kirk sighs, taking a communicator out. “W-what are you doing?”

“Asking our lovely doctor to come and cut your leg off, of course. Y/N, I simple will call McCoy and ask him to get here, so that he can fix your leg immediately after I cut the stone. He said that’s how I should do it, plus it’s the only way you will keep your leg after we are done.”

“Could you… could you ask anyone but Doctor McCoy to come?” you ask quietly, and Kirk closes his communicator, quite interested in what you have to say.

“Now, what did Bones do? He wasn’t mean on purpose, you know. It’s just his personality,” you shake your head, and Kirk keeps guessing. “Afraid of him? Y/N, he is probably the sweetest person on the whole ship. No?” you shake our head again, feeling how the stone starts pressing more on the legs and stomach. “Y/N, if you don’t have a reason serious enough, I will call him immediately. I am only allowed to get up to three people on the planet, and Bones is probably the only one who can properly deal with everything that is wrong with you right now,” you stay quiet. “Oh, you couldn’t fall for him, could you?!” and you blush so hard, Kirk start laughing, so proud of his deduction skills. “You actually fell for Bones? That’s why all the complications?” you stay quiet, but still blushing. “Can I call the Sickbay now?”

“Anyone but McCoy,” you murmur, and Kirk waves his hand at you, amused by the romantic feelings that his friend could provoke in anyone. “Captain, please!”

“Mister Spock, we need medical assistance down here… No, I am fine… Yes, send the doctor as soon as possible,” Kirk closes the communicator and looks at you. “How did you manage?”

“Well, I am an extremely lucky person,” you grin.

“You bet you are,” McCoy enters the ‘cave’ and sighs at your ‘comfortable’ position. “Jim, you have to take care of your team, not murder them.”

“Holy shit,” you whisper and look at Kirk, trying to retell how much you hate him right now, but Jim simply shrugs his shoulders, as if saying ‘not my fault, I asked them to send a doctor.’

“I haven’t even started, Y/N, stay down and breathe deeply,” Bones kneels next to you and quickly checks your pulse and overall health. “Yeah, Jim, she is alright, just lift the stone, and I’ll take care of the bones.”

“What’s wrong with the bones?”

“Oh, they are simply crushed. If I do not block the flow of blood as soon as captain takes the weight off, the pieces may very well end up in very, very bad places,” McCoy sighs again. “How did you even manage?”

“She is an extremely lucky person,” Kirk answers for you and raises his phaser, ready to vanish the rock. “Ready?”

“Sure,” Bones takes your hand, allowing for you to grab his sleeve, squeezing it as hard as possible, as the weight disappears, and the painkillers magically stop working, almost murdering you with the pain. “Shh,” Bones quickly injects you with something, stroking your forehead with a free hand. “It’s ok. Let me take a look now,” he frees his hands and cuts your uniform to get access to the injury, then whistles, looking back at your face.

“That bad?” he nods quietly. “Fixable?”

“Yes,” he starts quickly covering the injury with some sticky glue, then quickly attaches a small blinking mechanism to your hips, which quickly expanded and locked your legs in the same position. “Do not move.”

“I was going to go for a run,” you murmur, and Bones grins, appreciating your attitude, then quickly strokes your forehead with his thumb.

“We have to get back on board,” Kirk interrupts you, and McCoy agrees, as they both carefully lift you and carry out of the cave.

“All I had to do to get two people carry me around is get hurt,” you joke. “If only I knew about it before the mission.”

“Three to beam up,” Kirk says loudly, as Bones makes you stand up next to him, so that he holds you with both hands in order for you not to fall down.

“On scale from one to ten, how much does it hurt?” he asks you quietly, trying to almost lift you of the ground, to reduce the weight on the legs.

“About six,” you murmur, your hands wrapped around his shoulders.

“That’s good… I mean, it’s bad that it hurts, but good that it’s not ten,” you laugh, and Bones flinches, as your breath tickles his neck. “Sorry.”

“That’s… That’s alright,” McCoy tightens his grip on your waist, as you get transported on the Enterprise, and a second later, the medical team helps you get down on the stretcher, and they rush to the Sickbay.

“Why the rush?”

“Because I gave you a very strong sedative, so you wouldn’t feel it even if I cut your legs off… Which is literally happening right now,” quickly answers Bones. “I also blocked the flow of blood, so that the bone pieces as well as the possible virus do not enter the intestines…”

“Sounds sweet,” you answer, already terrified of dying. Bones takes your hand and strokes your palm.

“Y/N. It will be fine. I am not letting you lose your legs. I am doctor, this is my job. Clear?” you nod quickly, as you get to the Sickbay, and the team helps you get on the bed, and McCoy is about to sedate you.

“Doctor,” you look him in the eye. “Will I be ok?”

“You will be great,” he answers calmly. “All you should do is trust me,” he covers your face with the mask and starts the countdown until you fall asleep. “I got your back.”


You woke up two days laters, you legs tied together and hanging in the air.

“Look who’s back,” McCoy takes a look at you and smiles. “How are we feeling?”

“Painfully alive,” you answer, as Bones takes the readings from the apparatus and smiles at you.

“Before you ask. You will walk again,” you smile happily.

“Thank you, doctor,” you pretend to try to kneel, and he giggles.

“I will need you to come in at least twice a week, so that I can clear you to get back on duty, but I did talk to captain about you. He agreed to let you stay off duty for a few weeks, so you will stay in Sickbay and help me,” you grin, trying not to show how happy you are to be there (and you also realize that Kirk probably is doing that solely because he knows about your crush).

“Doctor McCoy, if you want me to spend more time here, all you have to do is ask,” Bones smiles again, quickly pats you on the shoulder, then heads out of the room, mumbling something about the job.

“Get better there,” you rest your head on the pillow and sigh, realizing that the following few weeks will be hard. And painful. And full of your hopeless and bad flirting, hidden in sarcasm and endless blushing.

Marriage Material - Part 18 - Jim Kirk

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17

Summary: in this chapter, you shame Jim for the literary choices he’s made. 

Warnings: language

A/N: hey at least they talk about one important thing.


You swung your legs back and forth disrhythmically, your hair wet enough to send drops splashing upon your lap. You sat back so you were leant against the mirror, drumming your fingers on the counter and counting aloud.

You were on one hundred forty-two when Jim finally had enough, setting his hands far apart on the counter and hanging his head. His cheeks were still partially covered in foamed shaving cream, his razor in his left hand. “You plan on stopping any time soon?”

“You plan on finishing any time soon, Lydia Bennet?” you returned, frowning. “One forty-eight.”

He smiled and shook his head, standing upright to drag the razor over the right side of his jaw. “Lydia Bennet?”

Pride and Prejudice? Notoriously vain character?” you asked as you tilted your head. You looked over his features for even a glimmer of recognition. “You should really try reading a book sometime. One fifty-seven.”

He rolled his eyes at you, washing off his razor and resuming the job to remove what little stubble he had on his right cheek. “What are you counting anyway?”

“How long it’s taking you to shave the right side of your face.” You frowned for a moment. “Also how many years I’ve aged since you first started standing here.”

He shook his head after rinsing his razor once more, gliding it across his left cheek next. “You said I could go first.”

“Your head was in between my legs at the time— forgive me if I was unable to make good decisions. One seventy-six.”

He smiled at that, leaning down to run some cool water over his face and pat dry with the towel you handed him. He then leant forward to scrutinize his reflection, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head every which way.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall,” you began in a loud, dramatic voice. “Who is the vainest of them all?” You paused for a moment, laughing when Jim turned to offer you a sarcastic expression. “The mirror says it’s you, Jim. You’re the vainest in all the land of Enterprise-brooke. One eighty-four.”

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Kirk trying to ask you out

Jim Kirk X Reader

Word Count: 1385

Prompt: “You’re too drunk sweetheart.”

Summary: Kirk keeps trying to find you to ask you out but you’ve been able to avoid him till today


“He’s been asking me all week which classes you’re in so he can talk to you.” Nyota grinned over the table as you sat in the quieter corner of a loud club down town.

“Really?” You asked and she nodded.

“Says you’ve been avoiding him.” She raised an eyebrow questionably.

“I’d say more tactically lowering my chances of him ever talking to me.” You smirked and Uhura laughed.

“We’ll they don’t seem to be working.” She nodded to the door, Jim was practically running over. “Have fun!” Nyota quickly exited the booth and grinned at Jim.

“Hey Kirk.” You muttered as he slid into the seat next opposite you.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Kirk grinned and you rolled your eyes.

“Not true.” You pushed over your second cocktail to him. “You’ll probably like it.”

“Thanks. But I’d rather take you out.” Kirk pushed the drink back towards you.

“And yet I’ll have to decline.” You pushed the drink back towards him with a smile.

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2

Prompt: Congrats!! Can you do kirk one where your pavels twin and you come onto the enterprise to study a rock sample? Or something and kirk really takes a liking to you? Much pavel love, and bones sneaky comments? For Anon

Warnings: No……

Pairing: Kirk/Reader

A/N: I changed it to you beeing an older sister, just to make the age gap better. Also, I think this might get a part two!

Word Count: 2048

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How To Punch Your Captain In The Face and Not Get Discharged (TrekFest 2017)

Originally posted by fandomediiits

Pairing: AOS Jim Kirk/Reader (if you squint)

Rating: PG for language, crude comments, and mild violence

A/N: I decided to write a little thing for Kirk Week of TrekFest today because I’m gonna be out of town all next week. Enjoy!

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incipient

relationship: jim kirk x reader
rating: general
word count: 690
summary: he doesn’t know if he deserves you
tagging: @niightwngs @alexsunmners @pizzaplanethq @paperclipmac

He watches you for what he thinks is just a moment in time as you sleep. All wrinkles and evidence of exhaustion are gone from your face, replaced by softness and relaxation, something that you hardly got working so closely with him. He isn’t going to not admit that he brings you a bit of stress. He knows that he does things that drive you crazy, like skipping appointments with McCoy.

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Unexpected Guest - Pt. 4

This is last and final chapter of the story based off a dream I had the other night, and decided to write out. Nothing special or exciting, just a fun, fluffy story. We made it to the end! Yay!

Thank you to everyone for your support on this story! I really didn’t think this story was going to do so well. I’m happy that it did though! I’m sad to see it end because I enjoyed writing it so much(sleepy Leonard gives me life).

3,977 word(s) of: fluff

Warnings: None

Leonard x Reader

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3


Your eyes fluttered open to the sounds of a soft buzzing. You lifted your head slightly trying to figure out where the noise was coming from. You blinked blearily over to your bedside table and saw the soft glow of your comm. You glanced over at Leonard whose mouth was open slightly as soft snores passed over his lips.

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2

kirk: your mum and johnny are so nice. i’m gonna have to thank them again for letting me spend the weekend. i don’t wanna be rude.
ezra: you’re kidding, right? mum loves you already and would let you move in, and johnny’s just happy he has another person in the house to try out his material on. you don’t need to thank them—you’re doing them a favour.
kirk: *laughing* sure i am. seriously, ez. you have a great family. will i get to meet your dad soon?
ezra: sure. he actually texted me today. said he’d heard we were together and sends his best wishes. 
kirk: sounds like a cool guy. 
ezra: *laughing* he certainly thinks so.

“Looks like you could use a drink, kiddo,” McCoy says, sliding into the seat next to Kirk.

Kirk turns his head, the stiff dress uniform digging into his neck as he raises the glass of Terran bourbon in his hand. He smiles brightly, hair a luminous gold beneath the lights of the bar.

“Beat you too it, Bones,” Kirk laughs throatily, knocking his half full glass against the Doctor’s own tumbler of whiskey.

“Great minds think alike, then,” McCoy shoots back, and Kirk smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. Kirk leans closer, knocking his shoulder against McCoy’s and resting there. McCoy doesn’t protest, letting Kirk rest his head against him, the warmth of his friend’s body soothing the ache that three back to back twelve hour shifts at Medical had ground into his body.

“I’ve missed this,” Kirk says softly, shifting to sip at his bourbon. He straightens just a little, relaxing against the bar and running a hand through his hair. McCoy watches him closely, noting the wrinkles of worry around his friend’s glowing eyes.

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