kiritsugu you are not listening at all

should you fight this character: fate edition

Kiritsugu: you probably shouldn’t fight kiritsugu. he’s a trained assassin and can probably kill you but on the other hand he hates himself enough to want to get punched in the face. fight him when he’s being broody and he’ll probably thank you.

Irisviel: What the fuck is wrong with you do not fight iri

saber: her sword is a laser and her small posture makes her harder to hit. do not fight saber.

Maiya: Maiya will kill you before you even issue the death threat. In fact, you’re dead already. she’s on the phone with kiritsugu and he’s got a sniper rifle pointed at the back of your head from 30 meters away. don’t fight maiya. don’t do it

tokiomi: do it. he’s a basement dwelling nerd. beat up tokiomi. do it for all of us. do it for sakura. beat up tokiomi.

aoi: ok listen here you’re probably thinking i’m gonna say something like ‘aoi lost to the physically weakest member in the cast’ but she was caught off guard and I’m just gonna put this out there: aoi is a bored housewife and bottling up some intense anger. go ahead. pick a fight with aoi. don’t hit her. let her break free. you may die but it’s for the greater good. fight aoi. Fight her and lose. give this woman some self confidence

gilgamesh: you would lose but its worth a shot he deserves a fist in his smug ass face

kirei: no

kariya: you’d definitely win but why would you? why would you want to beat up kariya? what kind of horrible person are you? he’s got it bad enough already. 

lancelot: he’ll fight you. he’ll fight his master. he’ll fight that cat over there he’ll fight himself everything is a fight. fight lancelot. fight him right now or so help me gilgamesh

waver: why would you fight waver? do you want to beat up a nerd who looks like an elementary school girl? would you really be ok with yourself after that? tbh he’s probably already getting beat up after magic school like. fine. fight waver velvet. fo ahead, be my guest. he’s got an 8 foot jacked boyfriend with an army that’ll come after you.

iskandar: that man is 200 pounds of pure muscle. fight him. do it. carpe diem. seize the day. you only live once.

kayneth: fight kayneth. break his nose. punch his hairline back even further. channel the anger of every frustrated university student in history into a spirit bomb and fight kayneth. 

diarmuid: fight him, but fight with honor. stab him gently. hold him in your arms as he bleeds out. rose petals are falling everywhere. fight diarmuid. fight him to the de- WTF KIRITSUGU

sola-ui: fight sola. Go ahead. I’m pretty sure you’d lose. you think this bitch isn’t ready for it? she’s probably got knives hidden up her capris for this very situation. you can see the lust for power in her eyes. go ahead. fight sola. you probably won’t come back

ryuunosuke: fight ryuu. you will probably lose, but your body wont go to waste. if you make him bleed, he will fall in love with you. now a serial child killer is in love with you. dont fight ryuunosuke

gilles: are you into tentacles? then go right ahead buddy. fight gilles. blood for the blood god.

zouken: we all want to fight zouken. fight zouken.

shirou: he may look like a skinny nerd but underneath that bland fashion taste he’s jacked as fuck. this kid does 500 pushups before breakfast every day. he doesn’t die even when he’s killed. skip forward a few cutscenes. you’re recuperating on his bed. he comes in and brings you tea. “rise and shine sleepyhead.” suddenly you realize he’s kinda attractive, in a dorky way. you start unbuttoning your shirt. “emiya, I…” “why are we fighting,” he asks you. his large amber eyes are brimming with earnest feeling. you feel like you understand each other. “ow!” you wince in pain. you broke a few ribs during your fight with him. “don’t move, I might have kicked your ass a little to hard,” he says, placing the tea next to you. “I have no mana left” you say, looking at your faded command spells in resignation. he puts his hand on the side of your face, brushing back your hair gently. “I can fix that…” do not fight shirou.      

taiga: go ahead and fight taiga. you’ll probably win, and she’ll probably buy you a drink later. don’t be afraid to fight taiga. taiga wants to fight. it will be a long scrap and you’ll get hit a lot but I have faith in you.

sakura: sakura will eat you. I don’t care if we’re talkin 7 year old ptsd sakura or 14-yr-old stacked sakura this girl is repressed as all hell she is looking for someone to fight. go ahead. fight sakura you trash. fight sakura and die.

medusa: medusa wants to fight. fight medusa. there’s about a 50/50 percent chance of you winning, only because shinji is her master. go ahead and fight her. rip off her blindfold and stare lovingly into her eyes. you are now a statue and dead. dont fight medusa

rin: rin blew off a berserker’s head but go ahead and fight rin. this is the girl who beat the shit out of caster with her bare fists but go fight rin tohsaka just to say you fought rin tohsaka. she’ll probably let you live and maybe take you out to dinner later. fight rin tohsaka.    

archer: fight him. he wants you to fight him. he wants you to fight him and win. end his miserable existence. free him.

shinji: who even cares if you can beat him. fight shinji matou. fight him for all of us. fight him every day. beat the shit out of this kid.

illya: i will fight you if you even think about fighting illya. shirou will fight you if you even think about fighting illya. hercules will fight you if you even think about fighting illya

hercules: dont fight him. are you rin tohsaka? no? this dude has 12 lives, he’s built like a tank, he uses a rock as a weapon. dont fight hercules. you will be hero to zero just like that

soichirou: do not fight souichirou he’s too op and needs to get nerfd

medea: medea won’t even let you fight her. she won’t even let you within ten inches of her probably. she’s just going to float 10 feet above your head and fry you with lasers for even thinking about it. dont fight medea. this woman’s seen some shit.

sasaki: he’s not even a real heroic spirit. fight the bird man. fight the bird man and win.

bazett: What the fuck did you just fucking say about her, you little bitch? I’ll have you know she graduated top of her class in the Navy Seals, and she’s been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and she have over 300 confirmed kills. She is trained in gorilla warfare and she’s the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to her but just another target. She will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to her over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak she is contacting her secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. She can be anywhere, anytime, and she can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with her bare hands. Not only is she extensively trained in unarmed combat, but she has access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and she will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. She will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

cu chulainn: go ahead, fight him. in fact, he wants you to fight him. dont even name the time and place. right here right now. let’s go let’s do this. fight cu chulainn.

caren: you will win the fight but she will win in spirit. she’s used to this. you cannot defeat caren.

avenger: fight him. he’s the weakest servant. fight his smug ass. become a hero and beat the living daylights out of all the evil in the world.