If you can forgive Ginny Weasley for opening the Chamber of Secrets with Riddle’s diary and petrifying and almost killing four other students, then you can forgive Ron Weasley for getting stressed and distraught by Slytherin’s locket and consequently leaving.
Because, you know, those things were fucking Horcruxes.
“It sort of floated toward me,” said Ron, illustrating the movement with his free index finger, “right to my chest, and then — it just went straight through. It was here,” he touched a point close to his heart, “I could feel it, it was hot. And once it was inside me I knew what I was supposed to do, I knew it would take me where I needed to go. So I Disapparated and came out on the side of a hill. There was snow everywhere… .”
I felt like you deserved to read something funny again as I’ve only been writing angst and porn lately. If you don’t know the Hey Baby song by DJ Otzi yet…I don’t even know what to say. It’s iconic. Go listen.
Draco was sleeping. Deeply. Blissfully. He was warm and
Unfortunately, he was also very unwillingly waking up. His
mind was slowly becoming more and more aware of the faint tap followed by an even softer plop
that sounded against his window every now and then.
He opened his eyes. An even louder tap sounded against the window accompanied by the sound of two
muffled male voices coming from somewhere below the balcony. The owners of the
voices obviously thought they were being quiet judging by the stage whisper
quality of the sound. Whispers my ass, Draco huffed. They would wake a basilisk
from its sleep.
He got out of the warm embrace of the bed and grumpily
put on his nightgown. If it was that village drunkard with his equally
inebriated friend again, he swore he’ll be calling the Aurors on them. Enough
He strode to the balcony door, opened it and stepped out
into the warm summer night air.
‘’What in Merlin’s mighty melon sized balls is goin – ‘’
He stopped mid his own stage whispered yell as his gaze
fell to a very tall, very red haired man who was only staying upright because
he was supported by a very familiar black haired, brown skinned, bespectacled
idiot. Said idiot was simultaneously holding the stumbling redhead in place and
trying to pick up another stone from the ground. Presumably to throw it at the
Draco sighed heavily as he leaned against the railing defeated.
There will be no need to call the Aurors; two of them were already here and if the
law was to be acknowledged they’d have to arrest themselves.
‘’What the hell are you two doing under the bloody
balcony in the middle of the night?’’
Instead of getting a comprehensive response, Harry upon
noticing him shook Ron wildly and pointed in Draco’s direction whispering
‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He’s here.’’ His eyes were wide and his outstretched hand
unsteady. Draco opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get
anything out, he heard Potter mutter ‘one two three’ under his breath waving
his hand downwards on the count of three as he puffed hi chests out, opened his
mouth and practically screamed ‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’
‘’HU, HA!’’ Weasley helpfully bellowed. Apparently, he
was taking over the role of a backup singer.
Draco was taking over the role of a martyr.
‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY GIRL.’’ There, Harry
stopped abruptly looking confused. He turned to Ron, who was still singing ‘hu,
ha’ under his breath and shouted ‘’NO!’’ directly at his face.
Weasley made a face ‘’Wha-?’’
Wide eyed and disappointed Harry responded ‘’Rooon! ‘S wrong,
the song. He’s not a girl! Ohmigod, you think he’ll hate me now?’’ He looked on
the verge of tears. ‘’I don’t want ‘im to be my girl Ron. I want ‘im to be my
Draco wondered exactly how many gallons of beer accompanied
by stronger shots were needed to bring them both to this state.
‘’Potter!’’ he shouted. ‘’I’m right here and I can
literally hear every word you say!’’ Harry’s eyes widened even more while
Weasley continued looking completely unfazed. In fact, Draco was contemplating
whether Weasley had even noticed him yet.
In that exact moment Ron’s mouth fell wide open and he
looked like something really brilliant dawned on him. Draco feared for what was
‘’Haaaary! I fixed it! I fixed it!’’ he looked so happy
Draco couldn’t even begrudge him what came next. Ron tilted his head upwards
and started singing at the top of his voice ‘’HEEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’
‘’HU, HA’’ Harry said with such vigour he swayed
‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOY?!’’ He turned to Harry presumably in hopes of him recognizing
He wasn’t disappointed; Harry’s mouth fell open and he
gasped in awe ‘’Ohhhh! Ronnn! You fixed it!’’ They then looked at each other
knowingly and turned to face Draco in unison.
‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’
‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOOOOY?!’’
Then they suddenly stopped. Apparently the song either
ended there or they didn’t know the rest of the lyrics.
Or neither of the above, Draco realized as he noticed
Harry looking up at him full of endearing hope smiling expectantly and quite
clearly awaiting an answer. Oh dear Merlin, he was wooing him.
Draco’s head dropped onto his forearms resting on the
railing. There was some scuffling below him and he heard Potter demand quietly ‘give ‘em to me’. He raised his head and
behold: In his hands, Potter was clutching what had to be the ugliest most
unfortunately rumpled bouquet Draco had ever seen in his life. In fact, it
looked very much like lettuce with a few giant roses included in the mess.
Draco narrowed his eyes. Those roses looked suspiciously familiar.
‘’Harry…’’ he said with wariness in his voice, ‘’where
are those roses from?’’
A dark hand carefully pointed in the direction of the
neighbour garden. Draco’s regard followed the line of the pointing finger
towards the exact rosebush he most feared the flowers came from. The bush was
all bent and rumpled. It looked exactly as if two grown men had just fallen
into it. Draco closed his eyes and counted to ten.
‘’Harry,’’ he said as calmly as possible, ‘’you do
realise those are Mrs Prickletosh’s roses?’’ there was a definite strain in his
voice. ‘’You know, the lady who talks to her rose bushes as if they were her
only love in the world and has actually hexed children for smelling them.’’
Harry’s eyes went wide with fear and he looked around
wildly while Weasley stilled completely as if smelling trouble.
Potter looked up
at him and with a tremor in his voice softly said ‘’Oh shit. Your neighbour is
Mrs Prickletosh too?’’
‘’Bloody hell!’’ Draco shouted throwing his arms in the
air not even caring who heard anymore. ‘’POTTER! YOU FUCKING LIVE HERE!’’ Harry’s
jaw dropped open as Draco continued ‘’We’ve been together for years, you tit.’’
Harry just stood there for a second, jaw open and tears of
wonder in his eyes, then he grabbed an extremely confused Ron around his midriff,
lay his head on his chest and proceeded to sob into it. ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He
already is my boyfriend. He already loves me.’’
Draco rubbed at his temples tiredly, but he couldn’t deny
that his heart skipped a beat at Harry’s mention of love. Love him he did.
Stupidly, unexpectedly, preposterously and – unconditionally.
Harry was still sobbing into Ron’s chest as Weasley
awkwardly patted his back muttering something like ‘why you crying ‘bout love, mate’.
Draco ‘s lips cured up into a warm smile.
‘’For Merlin’s sake, get your two sorry asses inside, you
I really can’t believe today is the day. Today is the “19 Years Later”. In a few hours the Potters are going to go to King’s Cross where they will meet with the Weasleys as usual. They will say goodbye to their kids. The scar wouldn’t have pained Harry for 19 years. All would be well.
Some of you may feel that Harry Potter has ended all over again. But there’s no need to be sad. As the Queen once said that the stories we love best never really leave us forever. So whether we come back by page, or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome us home. ❤️
"How do I send texts again? I press this?" "No, wait, don't! Oh shit you sent it to ALL YOUR CONTACTS!!" "I DID WHAT"
This prompt literally made my shitty exhausting day a hundred times brighter and I love you for it.
Draco: Listen, Weasley, I have a favour to ask of you. Humongous favour. One that you can never tell anyone about if you don’t want to lose your balls, your dick and your nipples all at once.
Ron:*alarmed* I’m listening?
Draco: See, since Harry is on a mission and I can’t physically reach him I would like to send him some photos, to, khm, keep him entertained. And I forgot how to send photos along with texts.
Ron:*nervous* What kind of, umm, photos exactly?
Draco:*smirks* Exactly the kind you’re thinking about.
Draco: C'mon Weasley. I will cover your ass in front of Granger for a whole year.
Ron: Really? Hmm..she does go hard on me sometimes… Circe, fine. I just hope I don’t go blind from seeing your ugly naked arse.
Draco: Ugly? Potter begs to differ. *winks*
Draco: *takes out his spell phone* Look, these are all the photos I want to send.
Ron: *squints at them sideways* MERLIN’S MIGHTY MOUSTACHE. *covers his eyes with his hand* How much must I have sinned in this life to deserve to see this. *opens his eyes a tiny bit * NO! No! Don’t click on it. That’ll only enlarge it and I don’t think I’ll survive seeing your ass up clos- ohmygod I see your balls too and is that your di- OHGOD *closes eyes*
Draco: Stop being so dramatic, Weasley. My ass, as well as my other parts, is exquisite. Now, how do I send these again? I press this, right?
Ron: NO! No, wait, don’t! Oh shit, you sent it to ALL YOUR CONTACTS!!
Draco: I DID WHAT?
Ron: *whispers in shock* You sent it to everyone.
Draco: *squeaks* EVERYONE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN EVERYONE? ARE YOU TELLING ME MY FATHER WILL RECEIVE THIS PHOTO??!!
Ron: YOUR FATHER HAS A SPELL PHONE?
Draco: Of course, he does! He likes to keep up with the trends!
Ron: *doubles over, starts heaving from laughter* I JUST WITNESSED LUCIUS MALFOY BEING SENT DICK PICKS BY HIS OWN SON THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE I AM LIVING