king farm

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Hayley Kiyoko, Kelsey Chow, and Stefanie Scott dancing to Past Lives by Børns

Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♪♫ beautiful ♫♪.
In the year negative a billion, Japan might not have been here. In the year negative forty thousand, it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there’s lots of ♫ trees ♫. Because it’s warmer.
So now there’s people on the island; they’re basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls.
Ding dong, it’s the outside world, and they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and ♪ crazy rice farms ♪. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, then you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survvvvive. So that makes you king.
Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread all across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here (Hi), here (Chikushi), here (Izumo), here (Kibi), here (Yamato), here (Koshi), and here (Kenu). But this one (Yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or emperor for short.
Knock knock, get the door, it’s religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion 🎺🎺🎺 (Buddhism) from Baekje.
“Please try this religion,” he said.
“No,” said everybody.
“Try iiiiit,” he said.
“no,” said everybody again, quieter this time.
And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it.
Then, the government was taken over by another clique (Taika). And they made some reforms , like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more.
“Hi China,” they said.
“Hi dipshit (wa, dwarf),” said China.
“Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?” said Japan.
“Like what?” said China.
♫♪"How about sunrise laaand?“♪♫ said Japan.
And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves! And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves.
Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here (Kyoto, Heian Palace). And they conquered the north finally, get that squared away.
A rich hipster named Kūkai is bored with modern Buddhism and visits China, learns a better version which is more ♫♪ spiritual ♪♫, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫♪ great ♪♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country.
So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals? ♫♪ Hire a samurai. ♪♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government, right here. They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun was actually in control.
Breaking news, the Mongols have invaded China.
"W̛e҉’ve i͟nv̕aded ̵Chi͠na̸,” said the Mongols, “Pl͘e̶a̷se̵ ͝res͢p̛ȩc̷t u͢s҉,͜ or͜ el̕se w͞e ͟m̛igh͟t ͠i͝nvade͡ ̕y͜o̕u̕ ͡a͡s̕ ̡well̀.̢”
“Okay,” said Japan.
So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornadotyphoon. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornadotyphoon.
Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto, and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine.
♫♪ Now there’s more art. ♪♫
Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers.
It’s time for who’s going to be the next shogun. Usually it’s the shogun’s kid, but the shogun doesn’t have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay. But then the shogun has a kid. So now who’s it gonna be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn’t care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game.
Knock knock, it’s Europe. No, they’re not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks, and guns, and ♫♪ Jesus ♪♫. So that’s cool. But everyone’s still fighting each other for control. Now with guns! And wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? This clan (Imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (Oda) which is in the way. Surprise, smaller clan wins! And the leader of that clan (Oda Nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well.
He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him (Toyotomi Hideyoshi) kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody’s swords. And he made some rules.
“Ąnd͟ n͟ow I'̛m̶ goińg̡ to ͘inva͞d̨e ͝Kor͟e͡a,̵ an͝d͢ ̶the̴n h͜op̷ef̕ull͏y ̵Chin͢a̛,” he said, and failed, and also died.
But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said yeah right, it’s not gonna be this kid, it’s gonna be one of us. ‘Cause we’re grownups. And it’s probably gonna be this guy (Tokugawa Ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others.
A lot of people support him, but a lot of people (Ishida Mitsunari) support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins. And starts a new government, right here. ♫♪ Edo ♫♪ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don’t get confused, this (Tokugawa family) is the new government. And they are very strict, so strict they close the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (Dejima).
Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published. There was poetry (haiku), plays (kabuki), sexytimes, puppet shows (bunraku), and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity.
Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do-
*impending doom music*
Knock knock. It’s the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats.
“O͜pe͡ņ,̨ t͡he͏ ͘c̷o̷ưntry. ͠S̛t͜o̡p̛,̵ ҉ha͠v̀in͜g̷ i͝t̀ ͝be̴ ́clo͞sed.̢” said the United States.
*music ends*
There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want.
Chōshu and Satsuma hated this. “That sucks!” they said. “This sucks!!!”
And with almost very little outside help, (from Britain) they overthrew the shogunate. And somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed eastern capital (Tokyo). They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. And they made a new constitution, which was.. pretty Western. And a military that was… pretty Western (large).
And do you know what else is Western? That’s right, it’s conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further (Liaodong Peninsula).
And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, “Stop no you can’t do that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shitton of soldiers. Then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuckton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade.
And Japan says, “Can you maybe chill?”
And Russia says, “How 'bout maybe you chill?”
Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You’ll never guess who's alsokind of scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, but just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop.
♫♪ It’s time for World War I ♪♫
The world is about to have a war. Because it’s the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̵͡͝͝o͏̨̨̢͢o͏͏̵̧̕ơ̢̢͜͜o͠͏͢ó͘o̶̢̧ó̷͝͠o͝͡o̧͘r̨̢̕ȩ̸ and the next thing on their list is this part of China (Qingdao) and lots of tiny islands.
All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, who was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France was friends with Russia who was getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass. Err, actually, he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan. So you know what that means, duhhh.
♫♪ Japan should take the islands. ♪♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they sort of called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know, and then they did it! And they also helped Britain here and there with some errands and stuff. *bell rings*
Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan, you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (Paris Peace Conference), with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. And you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫♪ the League of Nations ♪♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world.
The Great Depression is bad, and Japan’s economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. And the League of Nations is like ♪"No don’t do that if you’re in the League of Nations you’re not supposed to try to take over the world.“♪
And Japan said, ♫♪ How bout I do, anyway? ♪♫ And Japan invaded more and more and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire East.
You’ve got mail.
It’s from Germany, the new leader of Germany, he has a cool mustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common.
♫♪ It’s time for World War II ♪♫
Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors’ neighbors, then, the neighbor’s neighbors’ neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said "Holy shiiit” and the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫♪" Their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they’re planning on invaaading the entire ocean.“♪♫
The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. Bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case (Germany). But they still haven’t joined the war, war looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image.
But then Japan spits on them, in Hawai'i, and challenges them to war. And they say yes! And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also chase Japan back into Japan. And they haven’t used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on Japan.
They actually drop two.
(You win.)
The United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫♪ post-war economic miracle ♪♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. But then the miracle wears off, but everything’s still pretty cool I guess. ♪♫ Bye. ♫♪

How to make a Disney Channel show (aka, Disney is obsessed with using the same set of characters over and over again)

Many people feel the need to have a really smart character. It’s important that the girls look flawless, but the guys should look like as much of a geek as possible.

To make the above character look smarter, you can add a dumb character. Make sure to give them a very confused facial expression as often as possible, and let them ask questions that should be obvious for someone their age.

You’ll always need a guy who’s character relies for about 50 % on their looks. Why else would anyone watch the show?

To match the  hot guys, you’ll need a girl who is so flawless, you begin to feel like they can’t possibly be real.

The audience needs someone to laugh at, right? This is where you add either a character who is incapable of understanding the word “no” or a character who is just considered a “loser” by most people. And try not to give them too much character development.

But to keep the smart person from seeming boring, we need the rebel friends who doesn’t care about grades, and who always get’s their friend in trouble. But don’t worry, you can always fix it up with a sappy apologizing scene at the end.

There has to be some kind of official antagonist. My suggestion, is you go with Matteus Ward, or at least someone who looks like him. Or you can go with a stereotypical blonde girl.

Every show needs grownups. Keep them there for, comic relief, embaressing the kids, being protective, giving deep motivational speeches and cry upon realizing that their kid’s are growing up.



He’s actually the butler

Not a parents. He’s their sensei.

Not a parent. He’s an uncle.

Add a couple of cute kids and animals

Or if everything fails, just throw in a bunch of boyfriends and girlfriends that we’re all gonna forget anyway.

Or, you know, do something original instead

Here’s trailers to all the shows I’ve been using. 

Good Luck Charlie

Pair of Kings (not a good version)

Shake it up

Jessie 

A.N.T Farm

Lab Rats 

Austin and Ally 

Dog with a blog 

Liv and Maddie 

Kickin It 

I didn’t do it

Girl meets world

Mighty Med 

Full Script: History of Japan

 Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫beautiful♫

In the year -1,000,000,000, Japan might not have been here. In the year -40,000, it was here and you could walk to it; and some people walked to it. Then, it got warmer, some ice bergs melted, it became an island, and now there’s lots of trees because it’s warmer.

So now, there’s people on the island. They’re basically sort of hanging out (in between the mountains), eating nuts off trees, and using the latest technology like stones and bowls.

Ding dong. 

It’s the outside world and they have technology from the future like really good metal and crazy rice farms. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own a farm, you own a lot of food. Which is something everybody needs to survive. So that makes you king. 

Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most most important. Ruled by a “heavenly superperson” or (emperor) for short. 

Knock knock. Get the door, it’s Religion.

The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from baekje. 

“Please try this religion.” he said. 

“No.” said everybody. 

Try it” he said. 

No.” said everybody again, quieter this time. 

And so, the religion was put into place and all of the rules that came with it. 

Then, the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more.

“Hi, China.” They said.

“Hi, dipshitsaid China.

“Can you call us something else, other than ‘dipshit’?” said Japan.

“Like what?” said China. 

♫How about sunrise land?said Japan.

And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then, they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. Right here. And they conquered the north, finally. Get that squared away. 

A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China, and learns a better version which is more ♫spiritual♫, comes back, re-invents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫great for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country. 

So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals

♫Hire a samurai

Everyone started hiring samurai. 

  • *Rich important people hired samurai. 
  • *Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.

The samurai became organized and powerful; more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be “emperor”, but the shogun is actually in control. 

Breaking news. The Mongols have invaded China.

“W̖͖̣̬̰̮͐ͯͩ̔͊e̥̜͕̱̝̓ͅ'̇ͪͫͮ́̈́v̞̼͍̿̋͌ê͓̜͎̪̼̻̦̆ i͈̣̬̘n͖̹͈̫͚͎͇͊ͬv̮͈͕͚͔͆́̌͊̀a̦̓d͆̄̄͊̃ͦ͒ḛ̖̮̭̦̗̾̈́̃ͪ̈́d̐ͧ C̘͒͑̃͒ͥ̚h̻̖̯̝̠̩͎̎̉̓̿̂̈́i̫͎̬͈̎̿̈́̆̄ͭn͙̮͉̖̑͛̿͗̚a͙̼͆.͈͇̠͖̭͎͍ͧ̆̍̆̂̆”said the Mongols. 

“Please respect us, or else we might invade you as well.”

“Okay.” said Japan. 

So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado. Then, the emperor overthrows the shogun. Then, the shogun overthrows them back, and moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogun. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine. 

♫Now there’s more art

Painting with less colors. Collaborative poetry. Plays. Monkey fun. Tea parties. Gardening. Architecture. Flowers. 

It’s time for who’s going to be the next shogun?

Usually, it’s the shoguns kid, but the shogun doesn’t have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says, “Okay.” But then the shogun has a kid. So now, who’s is going to be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn’t care. He was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces.

Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game.  

Knock knock. It’s Europe.

No, they’re not here to take over. They just want to sell some shit like clocks and guns and ♫Jesus♫. So that’s cool, but everyone’s still fighting each other for control. Now with guns. And wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital? Which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them. 

This clan is ready to make a run for it. But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. Surprise. The smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him. And then someone else who works for him kills them. And that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody’s swords, and made some rules. 

“And now I’m going to invade Korea and then hopefully China.” he said. 

And failed.

And also died.

Before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said, “Yeah, right. It’s not gonna be this kid. It’s gonna be one of us because we’re grownups.” And it’s probably gonna be this guy, who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight and he wins and starts a new government right here. 

♫~Edo~

And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. But don’t get confused; this is the new government and they are (very strict). So strict, that they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in, except for the Dutch, if they want to buy an sell shit. But they have to do it right here

Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, population increased a lot. Business increased. Schools were built. Roads were built. Everyone learned to read. Books were published. There was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch studies. 

People started studying European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity.

Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down. 

Knock knock. It’s the United States. 

With huge boats (with guns). Gunboats. 

Open. The country. Stop having it be closed.” said the United States.

There’s really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets the United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Choshu and Satsuma hated this. 

“That sucks.” they said.

This sucks!”

And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogun, and somehow, made the emperor, the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed, “Eastern Capital.” They made a new government, which was a lot more western. They made a new constitution, that was pretty western. And a military that was… Pretty western. 

And do you know what else was western? That’s right, it’s conquering stuff. So, what can we conquer? Korea. They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia rushes in out of no where and says, “Stop. No, you can’t take that. We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” 

And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. And then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuck ton. Did I say “downgrade”? I meant “upgrade.” 

And Japan says:

Can you maybe chill?

And Russia says:

“How about maybe you chill?”

Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You’ll never guess who’s also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. 

♫~It’s time for World War 1~

The world is about to have a war. Because it’s the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy. And all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̞͇̲̗̖̥͚̬o̬̹͖̜ͅr̞̫͚e̲̹͉̩ and the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands. 

All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France was friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Seriba’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass. Or, actually, shot him in the head. And Britain was currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh.

♫Japan should take the islands♫

Which, they wanted to do anyways. So they called Britain on the tele to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. 

Now the war is over and, congratulations, Japan. You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And, yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance.

♫The League of Nations

Whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. 

The Great Depression is bad, and Japan’s economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria, and the League of Nations is like:

No, don’t do that, if you’re in the League of Nations you’re not supposed to take over the world!”

And Japan is like:

♫~ How about I do, anyway?~

And Japan invaded more and more and more of China and was planning to invade the entire east.

You’ve got mail. 

It’s from Germany. The new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache, and he’s trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. 

♫~It’s time for World War 2~

Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors neighbors, then the neighbors neighbors neighbors who happen to be Britain said, “Holy shit♫" And the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫Good friends♫. And started not helping Japan because their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean♫. The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case. But they still haven’t joined the war. War looks bad on T.V., and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they say, “Yes.” And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the Unites States also. 

So the United States goes to war in Europe and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan, and they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works. 

So they drop it on Japan. 

They actually drop two.

United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫post-war economic miracle♫. And Japan starts making T.Vs, V.C.R.s, automobiles, and camcorders, as fast as they can, and also better than everybody else. 

They get rich and the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything’s still pretty cool, I guess. 

♫Bye.

psychic: reads my mind
me: japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫ beautiful ♫ in the year negative a billion japan might not’ve been here. in the year negative 40,000 it was here. and you could walk to it. and some people walked to it. then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island and now there’s lots of ~trees~ (because it’s warmer.) so now there’s people on  the island, they’re basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. like stones. and bowls. ding dong, it’s the outside world and they have technology from the future. like really good metal. and crazy rice farms. now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to /survive/. so that makes you king. rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here. the most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here and here. but this one was the most most important, ruled by a “heavenly superperson”, called emperor for short. knock knock. get the door, it’s religion. the new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from baekje. “please try this religion,” he said. “no,” said everybody. “try it,” he said. “no,” said everybody again, quieter this time. and so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it. then the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms, like making the government govern more, and making the government more like china’s government, which is a government that governs more. “hi china,” they said. “hi dipshit,” said china. “can you call us something else, other than dipshit?” said japan. “like what?” said china. “♫ how about sunrise land? ♫” said japan. and they stole china’s alphabet and wrote a book. about themselves. and then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. right here. and they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. a rich hipster named kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits china and learns a better version which is more ~spiritual~ comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be ~great~ for a long time. and the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country. so if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? ♫ hire a samurai ♫ everyone started hiring samurai. (correction: rich important people hired samurai. poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.) the samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. so they made their own military government, here. they let the emperor still be “emperor”, but the shogun is actually in control. BREAKING NEWS the Mongols have invaded China. “we’ve invaded china,” said the mongols. “please respect us, or else we might invade you as well.” “okay,” said japan. so the mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. but they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the japanese but then died in a tornado. then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate. and the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine. ♫ now there’s more art ♫ like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. it’s time for who’s going to be the next shogun? usually it’s the shogun’s kid. but the shogun doesn’t have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. he says ok. but then the shogun has a kid. so now who’s it gonna be? vote now on your phones. and everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. the shogun actually didn’t care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. and the whole country broke into pieces. everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game. knock knock. it’s europe. no, they’re not here to take over (yet) they just wanna sell some shit. like clocks. and guns. and ~jesus~. so that’s cool, but everyone’s still fighting with each other for control. now with guns!! and wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? this clan is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. surprise, the smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital, and it goes very well. he’s about halfway through conquering japan when someone who works for him kills him, and then someone else who works for him kills them. and that guy finishes conquering japan. and then he confiscated everybody’s swords and made some rules. “and now i’m going to invade korea, and then hopefully china,” he said and failed, and also died. but before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his 5 year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of japan. and the five guys said “Yeah, Right. it’s not gonna be this kid. it’s gonna be one of Us. cuz we’re /grownups/.” and it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. a lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. they have a fight, and he wins, and starts a new government, right here ~Edo~ and he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. but don’t get confused. this is the new government, and they are very strict. so strict they closed the country. no one can leave, and no one can come in. except for the dutch, if they want to buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here. now that the entire country was not at war with itself the population increased a lot. business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and dutch studies. people started to study european science from books they bought from the dutch. we’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, maybe even electricity. over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down- knock knock. it’s the United States. with huge boats. (with guns) (gunboats) “open the country. stop having it be closed.” said the united states. there’s really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets united states, britain and russia visit japan anytime they want. choshu and satsuma hated this. “that sucks.” they said. “this sucks!!!!” and with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate, and somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to edo which they renamed eastern capital. they made a new government which was “a lot more western”. they made a new constitution that was pretty western and a military that was pretty western. and do you know what else is western? that’s right, it’s conquering stuff. so what can we conquer? korea. they conquer korea, taking it from its previous owner china, and then go a little bit further. and russia rushes in out of nowhere and says “stop, no, you can’t take that. we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” and russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. and then when the railroad was done they downgraded to a fuck ton. (did i say downgrade? i meant upgrade.) and japan says “can you maybe chill?” and russia says “How About Maybe You Chill?” japan’s kinda scared of russia. you’ll never guess who’s also kinda scared of russia. great britain. so japan and great britain make an alliance together so they can be “a little less scared of Russia”. feeling confident, japan goes to war against russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫ it’s time for World War 1 ♫ The World is about to Have A War because it’s the 1900’s and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. meanwhile japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m o r e and the next thing on our list is this part of china and lots of tiny islands. all that stuff belongs to germany, which has just had war declared on them by britain, because britain was friends with belgium, which is being trespassed by germany in order to get to france to kick france’s ass because france is friends with russia who is getting ready to kick austria’s ass because austria is getting ready to kick serbia’s ass because someone from serbia shot the leader of austria’s ass. (er, actually shot him in the head.) and britain is currently friends with japan, so you know what that means? duh. ♫ japan should take the islands ♫ which they wanted to do anyway. so they called britain on the tele to sort of let them know. and then they did it. and they also helped britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. now the war is over and congratulations japan you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. and yes, japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from germany. you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫ the League of Nations ♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. the great depression is bad and japan’s economy is now crappy. but the military is doing just fine and it invades manchuria. and the League of Nations is like “no, don’t do that, if you’re in the league of nations you’re not supposed to take over the world!” but japan said ♫ how bout i do anyway? ♫ and japan invaded more and more and more and more of china and was planning to invade the entire east. You’ve Got Mail it’s from germany. the new leader of germany. he has a cool moustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. this also got forwarded to italy, and they all decided to be friends because they have so much in common. ♫ it’s time for World War 2 ♫ (the sequel) germany is invading the neighbors. then they invade the neighbor’s neighbors. then the neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbors, who happened to be britain said “holy shit” and the united states started helping britain because they are ♫ good friends ♫ and started not helping japan because ♫ their friends and our friends are not friends ♫ ♫ plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean ♫ the united states is also working on a large very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever™, just in case. but they still haven’t joined the war. war looks bad on tv, and the united states is really starting to care about their image. but then japan spits on them in hawaii and challenges them to war, and they say yes. and then germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the united states also, and so the united states goes to war in europe. and they help the gang chase germany back in to germany, and they also start chasing japan back into japan. and they haven’t used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on japan. they actually drop two. united states installed a new government inspired by the united states government with just the right ingredients for a ♫ post-war economic miracle ♫ and japan starts making tvs, vcrs automobiles and camcorders as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. they get rich and the economy goes wild and then the miracle wears off but everything’s still pretty cool i guess ♫ bye ♫
psychic: what the fuck

4

I’ve been fretting and fuming over the changes sweeping over our little town, and change is inevitable. Of course it is. People will leave our town - some may have to - but Avonlea will never vanish. But wherever they go all the young people of Avonlea, the memory of this place, the people, the land, the sea. These things will never be forgotten but will remain in their hearts forever. Wherever you wander, whatever glorious adventures lie ahead of you, you can rest easy knowing you have a place to come home to the dearest spot on earth - our Avonlea!

Transcription of “history of japan”

welcome to my night, where i basically sat down for a whole hour typing this entire thing down. wtf am i even doing. 

———

Japan is an island by the sea, filled with volcanos and its 

♪ beautiful 

In the year negative a billion; Japan might not have been here.

In the year negative forty thousand; it was here and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it.
Then it got warmer some icebergs melted and it became an island, and now theres lots of 

♪ trees ♪

because its warmer. 

So now there’s people on the island that’s basically just hanging out in between the mountains, eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like 

stones and bowls.

Ding dong ♪

It’s the outside world and they have technology from the future like, really good metal and crazy rice farms. 

Now you can make a lot of rice, really, really quickly. 

That means if you own a farm

you own a lot of food,

which is something everybody needs to 

SURVIVE. 

So that makes you king. 

Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here.

The most important kingdoms were,

  • here
  • here
  • here
  • here
  • here, 
  • here 
  • and here.

But this one was the most, most important.

Ruled by a heavenly superperson 

or Emperor for short. 

knock knock.  

get the door,  its 

♪ religion

The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from

Baekje.

Please try this religion.” he said. 

No” said everybody.

♪ Try it ♪”  he said.

“No” said everybody again, quieter this time. 

And so, the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. 

Then the government was taken over by another clique and they made some reforms like,

  • making the Government govern more. 
  • And making the Government more like China’s Government, which is a Government that governs more. 

“Hi China.” they said.

”Hi dipshit.” said China.

can you call us something else other than dipshit?” said Japan. 

Like what?” said China.

♪How about sunrise land ♪” said Japan. 

And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book. 

‘bout themselves. 

And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves.

Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for awhile. 

~right here~

and they conquered the north, finally. 

Get that squared away.

A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China and learns a better version which is more  

♪Spiritual

comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be  

♪great

for a long time.  

And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country.  

So if you lived outside the palace how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals

♪ h i r e   a   s a m u r a i  ♪

Everyone started hiring Samurai. 

  • rich, important people hired samurai.
  • poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai

The samurai became organised and powerful. 

More powerful than the government. 

So they made their own military government 

~here~ 

They let the “Emperor” still be “Emperor” but the Shogun is actually in control. 

Breaking news! 

The Mongols have invaded China!

We’ve invaded China.” said the Mongols. “Please respect us or else we might invade you as well.

okay.” said Japan. 

So the Mongols came over, ready for war and– 

died in a tornado(typhoon). 

But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then– 

died in a tornado(typhoon). 

Then the Emperor overthrows the Shogunate and Shogunate overthrows them back and moves to Kyoto and makes a new Shogunate. 

And the “Emperor” can still dress like an Emperor if he wants. 

That’s fine. 

♪ now there’s more art  

  • like painting with less colours 
  • collaborative poetry
  • plays
  • monkey fun
  • tea parties 
  • gardening 
  • architecture
  • FLOWERS.

its time for– 

~who’s going to be the next shogun?~

Usually its the Shogun’s kid.
But the Shogun doesn’t have a kid so he tries to get his brother to quit being a Monk and be the next Shogun.  

He says “ok"

But then shogun has a kid. 

So now who’s it gonna be?

~vote now on your phones!~

And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. 

The Shogun actually didn’t care

he was off somewhere doing poetry. 

And the whole country broke into pieces.
Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and 

its anybody’s game.

knock knock. 

its Europe. 

No, they’re not here to take over (yet)
They just wanna sell some shit, like clocks and guns

and ♪ Jesus

so thats cool.  

but everyone’s still fighting each other for control. 

~now with guns~

and wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital?  
Which right now is puppets with no one controlling them

This clan is ready to make a run for it.
But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way.  

~surprise~

smaller clan wins and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital and it goes very well.  

He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him, kills him and then someone else who works for him, kills them 

and that guy finishes conquering Japan.  

and then he confiscated everybody’s swords, and made some rules.  

“and now I’m going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China” 

he said and failed and also died.  

But before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of japan

And the five guys said,  

“yeah, right. its not gonna be this kid, its gonna be one of us, cuz we’re grown ups.“ 

And it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. 

A lot of people support him but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins and starts a new Government

right here. 

♪ Edo

and he still lets the Emperor dress like an “Emperor” and have very nice things. But don’t get confused, this is the new government and they’re very strict. 

So strict they closed the country

No one can leave and no one can come in

Except for the dutch because they wanna buy and sell shit but they have to do it right here

Now that the entire country is not at war with itself,
the population increased a lot. 

  • business increased 
  • schools were built
  • roads were built 
  • everyone learnt to read
  • books were published 
  • there was poetry
  • plays
  • sexy times
  • puppet shows 

and dutch studies.

People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch

we’re talking– 

  • geography, 
  • skeletons, 
  • physics, 
  • chemistry, 
  • astronomy,  
  • and maybe even electricity. 

Over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do–

knock knock. 

its the united states.
with huge boats with guns, 

gunboats. 

“open the country. Stop having it be closed.”
said the United States. 

Theres really nothing they could do so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. 

Chōshū and Satsuma hated this. 

“that sucks.” they said. 

“this sucks!!!!” 

And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate and somehow made the emperor the emperor again and moved him to Edo which they renamed, Eastern Capital

they made a new government which was a lot more western. 

they made a new constitution that was pretty western. 

and a military that was pretty western. 

And did you know what else was western?
Thats right, its conquering stuff. 

So what can we conquer?
Korea, they conquered Korea. 

Taking it from its previous owner, China.
and then go a little bit further and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, 

“stop, no, you can’t take that.
We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” 

and Russia builds their railroad supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. 

and then when the railroad was done they downgraded to a fuck ton. 

Did i say downgrade?

I meant upgrade. 

And Japan says, 

“can you maybe chill?”

and russia says, 

“How About Maybe You Chill?” 

Japan is kinda scared of Russia.
You’ll never guess who’s also kinda scared of Russia. 

Great Britain. 

So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be 

a little less scared of Russia. 

Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia.
Just for a moment.
and then they both get tired and stop. 

♪ it’s time for World War 1 

The World is about to -Have A War-

Because its the nineteen hundreds and weapons are getting crazy.
and all these Empires are excited to try them out on each other. 

Meanwhile Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants– 

more. 

and the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands

And all of that stuff belongs to Germany which just had war declared on by Britain because Britain is friends with Belgium which is being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France is friends with Russia who is getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria is getting ready to kick Serbia’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass or– 

actually shot on the head. 

and Britain is currently friends with Japan so you know what that means. 

Duh, ♪ Japan should take the islands 

which they wanted to do anyway. 

So they called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know.
and then they did it, and they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. 

Now the war is over. 

Congratulations japan!

You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. 

And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany, you also get to join the, Post-War Mega alliance– 

♪ the League of Nations 

Whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. 

The great depression is bad and Japan’s economy is now crappy.  
But the military is doing just fine and it invades Manchuria and the league of nation’s just like– 

“No don’t do that, if you’re in the league of nations you’re not supposed to take over the world.”  

and Japan said “♪ How bout I do anyway? ” 

And Japan invaded more and more and more and, more of China.  

and was planning to invade the entire east!

~You got mail~

Its from Germany.
the new leader of Germany,
he has a cool moustache
and he’s trying to take over the world

and needs friends. 

This also got forwarded to Italy, 

they all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. 

♪ it’s time for World War 2 

Germany is invading the neighbours.
Then they invade the neighbour’s neighbours.
Then the neighbour’s neighbour’s neighbours who happened to be Britain said, “holy shiit”
and United States started helping Britain because they are  

♪ good friends 

and started not helping Japan because  

♪ their friends and our friends are not friends 

plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean 

The united states is also working on a large very huge bomb.

bigger than any other bomb, ever™.  

Just in case.  

But they still haven’t joined the war.  
War looks bad on TV and united states has really started to care about their image. 

But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii,

and challenges them to war. 

and they say yes, and then Germany

as a symbol of friendship, 

declares war on the United States also.  

So the United States goes to war in Europe.
and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany.  
and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan.
And they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works.  

So they dropped it on japan.  

they actually dropped two. 

United States installed a new Government, inspired by the United States Government.  
with just the right ingredients for a 

♪ post-war economic miracle 

And Japan starts making  

  • TVs  
  • VCRs
  • automobiles 
  • and camcorders 

as fast as they can and also better than everybody else.

they get rich and the economy goes wild and then the miracle wears off.

But everything’s still pretty cool i guess. 

♪ bye 

——–

i did it. Thank you Bill Wurtz for this wonderful masterpiece. 

BECAUSE–

also p.s.: i sincerely apologise if someone has already made a whole transcript of this. pls u can hire a samurai against me if u wan 2 ;A;

  • Baby: J-J-J
  • Mom: Come on you can do it. Juice?
  • Baby: Ja- Ja-Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's 🎶beautiful🎶. In the year negative a billion Japan might not have been here. In the year negative fourty thousand it was here and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some ice burgs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of trees! because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island, they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like stones and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world and they have technology from the future (bronze age) like really good metal and c r a z y r i c e f a r m s. Now you can make A LOT of rice like really really quickly. That means if you own the farm you own a lot of food which is something everybody needs to SURVIVE. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land. All the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here(hi), here(chikushi), here(izumo), here(kibi), here(yamato), here(koshi), and here(kenu). But this one (yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a "heavenly superperson" called (emperor) for short. Knock knock. Get the door, it's RELIGION. The new prince (prince shotoku) wants everyone to try this hot new religion (buddhism) from Baekj. "Please try this religion." He said. "No." Said everybody. "Try iiiittt" He said. "No." Said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. Then the government was taken over by a new clique and they made some reforms (Taika Reforms) like -making the government govern more and -making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China." They said. "Hi dipshit." (hi "wa"(dwarf)) Said China. "Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" Said Japan. "Like what?" Said China. "🎶How about sunrise land?🎶" (nihon) (Japan) and so they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book about themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for awhile. Right here (kyoto). And they conquered the north finally. Get that squared away. A rich hipster named kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits china, and learns a better version (zen buddhism) which is more 🎶spiritual🎶. He goes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be 🎶great🎶 for a long time and the rural palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? 🎶Hire a samurai🎶. Everyone started hiring samurai. Correction - rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organised and powerful. More powerful than the government. So they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be "emperor" but the shogun is actually in control. BREAKING NEWS the Mongols have invaded China. "We've invaded China" said the Mongols, "Please respect us or else we might invade you as well." "Okay" said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war. Then died in a tornado. But they tried again and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then died in a tornado. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back then moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate (ashikaga shogunate). The "emperor" can still dress like an emperor if he wants that's fine. 🎶Now there's more art🎶. Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for "who's going to be the next shogun?" Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun, he says "✔ok." But then the shogun has a kid, so now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones, and everyone voted so hard (onin war) that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces (sengoku jidai). Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over (yet). They just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks and guns and 🎶jesus🎶. So that's cool, but everyone's still fighting each other for control. Now with guns!! and wouldn't it be nice to control the capital (kyoto)? Which right now is puppets with no one controlling them. This clan (imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (oda) which is in the way. Surprise! the smaller clan wins and the leader of that clan (oda nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital. And it goes very well 👍. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him kills them. And that guy (toyotomi hideyoshi) finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And made some rules (no having a sword (or a gun) no climbing the social ladder pay taxes). "and now I'm going to invade korea and then hopefully china" he said and failed, and also died. But before he died he told these five guys (council of 5 elders) (ukita hideie, uesugi kagekatsu, mori terumoto, tokugawa ieyasu, maeda toshiie) to take care of his five-year-old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said, "Yeah, right. It's not gonna be this kid. It's gonna be one of us. Cuz we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (tokugawa ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight and he wins. And starts a new government right here, 🎶Edo🎶 and he still lets the "emperor" dress like an emperor and have very nice things, but don't get confused, this is the new government (tokugawa family) and they're very strict. So strict they closed the country. (sakoku 鎖国 closed country) No one can leave and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (dejima). Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot, business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and dutch studies. People started to study european science from books they bought from the dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down. Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "Open the country. Stop having it be closed." Said the United States. There's really nothing they can do so they signed a contract that lets the united states, britain, and russia visit japan any time they want. choshu and satsuma hated this 👎. "That sucks." They said. "This sucks!!!" and with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate (boshin war) and somehow made the emperor (emperor meiji) emperor again and moved him to Eto which they renamed "Eastern Capital". They made a new government, which was "a lot more western" (-new york times review). They made a new constitution (meiji constitution) that was pretty western. And a military that was pretty western (large). And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea. So they conquered Korea. Taking it from its previous owner, china, and then got a little further and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "stop, no, you can't take that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." and Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. And then when the railroad was done they downgraded to A FUCK TON. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says "can you maybe chill?" and then Russia says "How About Maybe You Chill?" Japan is kinda scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kinda scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance so they can be "a little less scared of Russia". Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia (russo-japanese war) just for a moment and then they both get tired and stop. 🎶it's time for World War 1🎶 The World is about to Have A War. Cuz it's the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants MORE. the next thing on their list is this part of China (qingdao) and lots of tiny islands (palau, marianas, carolines, marshall islands). But all that stuff belongs to Germany, who just had war declared on them from Britain because Britain was friends with Belgium which was being trespassed by Germany so they could get to France to kick France's ass because France is friends with Russia who is getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was just about to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Or... actually they shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh. 🎶japan should take the islands🎶 which they wanted to do anyway. So they called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know (can we take the islands thanks). Then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. Now the war is over and congratulations Japan! you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (paris peace conference) with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance 🎶the League of Nations🎶 whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The great depression is bad and Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine and it invades manchuria. And the League of Nations is like, "no, don't do that, if you're in the league of nations you're not supposed to take over the world!" and Japan said 🎶"how bout i do anyway?"🎶 and Japan invaded more and more and more and more of China. and was planning to invade the entire East. You've got mail! It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache and he's trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. 🎶it's time for World War 2! (the sequel)🎶 Germany is invading the neighbors then they invade the neighbor's neighbors then the neighbor's neighbor's neighbors who happen to be Britain said 🎶"holy shit"🎶 and the United States started helping Britain because they're 🎶good friends🎶 and they started not helping Japan because 🎶"their friends and our friends are not friends" "plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean"🎶 the United States is also working on a large very huge bomb (atom bomb). "bigger than any other bomb, ever™" just in case. But they still haven't joined the war. War looks bad on TV and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii (pearl harbor) and then challenges them to war. They say yes. And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship ❤, declares war on the United States also. So the United States goes to war in Europe. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and they're curious to see if it works. So they drop it on Japan (hiroshima). They actually dropped two (nagasaki). The United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government. With just the right ingredients for a 🎶post-war economic miracle🎶 and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. They get rich. And the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything is still pretty cool I guess. 🎶Bye🎶
Not 👏 Gonna 👏 Say 👏 It 👏 Again👏

Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫ beautiful ♫ ! In the year negative a billion, Japan might not’ve been here. In the year -40,000 it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, so an iceberg melted, it became an island, and now there lot’s of trees! Because it’s warmer. So now there’s people on the island and they’re basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains, eating nuts off trees, and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls. Ding dong, it’s the outside world. And they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and crazy rice farms. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survive. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly super person, or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it’s religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from Baekje. “Please try this religion,” he said. “No,” said everybody. “Try it,” he said. “No,” said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it. Then, the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms. Like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more. “Hi China,” they said. “Hi dipnoot,” said China. “Can you call us something else other than dipnoot?” said Japan. “Like what?” said China. “How about ♫ sunrise land ♫ ?” said Japan. And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book, about themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. Right here, and they conquered the north, finally. Get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kūkai (空海) is bored with modern Buddhism and learns a better version which is more ♫ spiritual ♫ comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be ♫ great ♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a noot about governing the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your noot from criminals? ♫ hire a samurai ♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. Correction: rich, important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful. More than the government, so they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be “emperor,” but the shogun is actually in control. Breaking news: the Mongols have invaded China. “We have invaded China,” said the Mongols. “Please respect us, or we might invade you as well.” “Okay,” said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and then died in a tornado. They tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado. Then the emperor overthrew the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moved to Kyoto and makes a new shogunate, and the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine. ♫ now there’s more art ♫ Like paining with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It’s time for Who’s Going To Be The Next Shogun? Usually it’s the shogun’s kid, but the shogun doesn’t have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay, but then the shogun has a kid. So now who’s it gonna be? Vote now on your phones! And everyone voted so hard, that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn’t care, he was somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game. Knock knock, it’s Europe. No, they’re not here to take over (yet). They just wanna sell some noot. Like clocks. And guns. And ♫ Jesus ♫ So that’s cool, but everyone’s still fighting each other for control, now with guns. And wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them. This clan is ready to make a run for it. But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. Surprise! Smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. It goes very well. He’s about halfway through conquering Japan, when someone who works for him kills him. And then someone else who works for him kills him. And that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody’s swords. And made some rules. “And now I’m going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China,” he said, and failed, and also died. But before he died, he told these 5 guys to take care of his 5 year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the 5 guys said “Yeah, right. It’s not gonna be this kid, it’s gonna be one of us. Because we’re grownups. And it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than he others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight. He wins! And starts a new government right here. ♫ Edo ♫ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don’t get confused, this is he new government, and they are very strict. So strict, they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, they want to buy and sell noot, but they have to do it right here. Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were opened, roads were built, everyone could read, books were published, poetry, plays, nootytimes, puppet shows, and Dutch studies. People studied European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow dow- …..Knock knock. It’s the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "Open the country. Stop having it be closed.” said the United States. There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan when they want. Chōshu and Satsuma hated that. “That sucks,” they said. “This sucks!” And with very little outside help, they overthrew he shogunate, and made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed Eastern Capital (東京). They made a new government, which was a lot more western. They made a new constitution, that was pretty western. And a military that was pretty western. And do you know what else is western? That’s right, it’s conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquered Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, “Stop, no, you can’t take that. We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a noot ton of soldiers, and when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a nooter ton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, “Can you maybe chill?” And Russia says, “How about maybe YOU chill?” Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You’ll never guess who’s also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫ It’s time for World War One ♫ The world is about to have a war, because it’s the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants more. And the next thing on the list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on it by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s noot because France is friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria’s noot, because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia’s noot, because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s noot, or actually he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh! ♫ Japan should take the islands ♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they called Britain on the telegram to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan! You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who gets what, and, yes, Japan gets to keep all that noot they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫ the League of Nations ♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The Great Depression is bad. Japan’s economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria, and the League of Nations is line “no, don’t do that, if you’re in the League of Nations you’re not supposed to take over the world,” and Japan said, “♫ how about I do anyway ♫” and Japan invaded more and more and more and more of China and was planning to invade the whole entire east. You’ve got mail! It’s from Germany. The new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache and he’s trying to take over the world, and he needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. ♫ it’s time for World War 2 ♫ Germany is invading their neighbors, then they invaded the neighbor’s neighbors. Then the neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbor’s who happens to be Britain said “holy noot” and the United States started helping Britain, because they are ♫ good friends ♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫ their friends and our friends are not friends, plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean ♫ The United States is also working on a large and very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case. But they still haven’t joined the war. War looks bad on tv, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii, and challenges hem to war, and they say yes. And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. So the United States goes to war in Europe, and they helped he gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also start chasing Japan back into Japan, and they haven’t used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works. So they drop it on Japan. They actually dropped 2. The United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government. Just the right ingredients for a ♫ post-war economic miracle ♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything’s still pretty cool, I guess. ♫ bye ♫

The problem with this is that I truly, deeply, from the bottom of my heart, genuinely love Code Geass. It is so, so stupid, and it is constantly amazing and colourful and ugly and melodramatic as fuck and I cried at least four times watching it and it is just. Such an experience. I have no idea how they’re going to replicate something that flawlessly entertaining. It was just. So. Beautifully stupid.

ONESHOT
Request 1: Firstly I just want to say I really adore your works ITS KEEPS ME ALIVE ❤️ And I don’t understand why everybody loves Ivar when next to him is Ubbe, the one and only husband material! So it would be wonderful if you can write something about him being husband and father -like no drama, normal life, he and his farm. Maybe old Ragnar life will be new Ubbe life. Just happy 😊 Lots of kisses for you 😘
Request 2: Daddy!Ubbe, how he is like during pregnancy then when the baby is born? Kinda part two to the last one shot you wrote? 
Note: If this isn’t fluffy I don’t know anymore. It’s the most happy and joyfull thing I wrote this week. Hope you both enjoy!!

Words: 1904


You often looked in the distance. Not that you had much time to look in the distance with two childeren running around, or at least, one running and one trying. But you did eitherway, your hands lingering in the water where you were washing some clothes. It was not much where you were looking at, just the plane field around the farm. Ubbe had told you so much about this place, being King Ragnar his farm once but now he was dead, the brothers took their revenge and everything came a little to rest. Ubbe took you here, to this farm and since that day you cared for it with the most of respect, knowing that this was the place where the famous Ragnar Lothbrok onces lived, where he was a farmer before he became an Earl and even a king. And knowing his son lived here, doing the exact same thing. He went raiding, came back, loved you, fathered your childeren and went away again. It started with just the two of you, outside of Kattegat, in the piece and silence Ragnar gave his son with this place. And now it was more than that. Two childeren and a third on the way, you hand rested on the small belly you showed, still gazing in the distance and asked yourself why you deserved this. But gazing in the distance meant something else to, it meant he wasn’t home and you started to miss him.

Your youngest started crying and you startled up out of thoughts, letting the half washed dress slip out of your hands before you went looking for the two. You found her crying at the floor while her older brother was looking at you with innocents. ‘Raiden.’ You started, signing because you knew Raiden really wanted that his sister started walking. You crouched down and took her from the ground, she rested a lot of her weight on your belly so you shifted her to your side while she snuggled her nose in your neck, still crying.
‘She almost did it.’ He signed. Raiden was bored when Ubbe wasn’t around and with all the work you had you felt guilty for having so little time for him.
‘You can’t force her sweetheart.’ You smiled softened and he walked over, wrapping his arms around your legs. You laid your hand on his head and stroke your fingers through his hair.
‘When is father coming back?’ He asked, looking up to you. Your smile died a little away, knowing Ubbe maybe wouldn’t come back at all.
‘Soon, I don’t know.’ You answered him honestly. He pulled his dissapointed face, hidding his head against your dress again. You turned your head and looked towards your daughter who was wiping away her own tears. ‘Where does it hurt?’ You asked her gentle. She laid her hand on her forehead and you kissed it, seeing how magical that worked and she felt better within seconds. ‘Why don’t we go outside?’ You suggested.
‘To do what?’ Raiden asked angry. For a five year old he knew what he wanted in life, his sister getting to walk was his number one priority.
‘Catch butterflies?’
‘Yeaah.’ Leanna slipped away from your arms and you putted her down, she started to crawl, precisly knowing what you just suggested. You turned towards Raiden, he looked at you, not wanting to admit to your suggestion.
‘I will catch more butterflies than you.’ You shrugged, walking backwards to the door. He smiled and started running outside. You looked into the farm, sighning by the work you still had to do. This life was a heavy one when you where alone and with a third on the way, surly it would be more of a mess than it already was.
‘Father!’ You heared Raiden yell. You jerked your head around an walked out, looking for Raiden who was running like crazy over the path. Leanna crawled, she started yelling because she wasn’t fast enough so she stood up by herself. Your eyes traveled back to Raiden who jumped in his fathers arms. And that maked you the most happy, seeing how much the childeren missed him and he smiled by seeing them back. You stood against the door, looking back to Leanna who reached with her hands to her father, still standing. Once Ubbe laid his attention to her he putted Raiden down, crouching, encouraging her to take those first steps. And she did! You bited your fingertips, smiling like an idiot when Leanna set her first few steps towards her father, like she waited on the moment. He picked her up, trowing her in the air and she started giggling before she wrapped her arms around his neck and his eyes met yours. Your heart skipped a beat, you still covered your smile a little, way to happy to see him after those couple of weeks back. Raiden pulled his bag after him while Ubbe walked over to you with Leanna in his arms. He putted her down in the grass before he turned back to you, lowering his head to kiss your belly before kissed you, without a greeting, without saying a word. Your lips partened for him, stroking his beard and taking in his taste yo uso hard missed over the days. When he pulled back the both of you smiled.
‘Welcome back.’ You whispered. He placed another kiss on your lips.
‘Hmm, missed you.’ He reacted on that.
‘Wedid to.’ You answered, looking aside to Raiden who was emtying Ubbe his bag.
‘Where it her first steps?’ He asked curious. You looked to Leanna who stood up again, placing one step before the other. She litterary waited for her father to come home before learning to walk, or Raiden his work payed off.
‘She waited for you.’ You nodded, looking back up to him. He laid his hand on the small belly you started to show.
‘And you?’ He asked, full of concerne. You missed that look in his face, the look from what Lagertha always said he was just his father. Ragnar probarbly would be proud of Ubbe. He was the only one who sticked around Kattegat. Hvitserk was with Björn mostly, while Ivar was in England and Sigurd was dead.
‘Good, bussy, sorry if the house is a mess, it isn’t that easy to be pregnant, control two childeren and a house when your husband is away raiding.’
‘I won’t go anywhere soon.’ He promised, leaning into you again. You wrapped an arm around his neck while he wrapped his around your middle. Until Leanna pulled on your dress and you had to let go of Ubbe. ‘We finish this tonight.’ He said with a fast peck before turning all his attention back to his son and daughter.

That whole evening Ubbe told Raiden everything of the raid. Leanna felt asleep on his lap way before sundown while Raiden sat aside him, Ubbe his arm wrapped over his sons shoulder. It was your favorit vieuw, seeing Ubbe with his son and daughter, so relaxed and so happy. You sat in the rockingchair, your fingers stroking your belly while you listened to everything he was telling Raiden, until the boy fell alseep to and there was only the cracking fire that maked a sound. You looked to your two childeren, leaning on their father while Ubbe gave you only that loving smile.
‘They missed you, especially Raiden.’ You said on a soft voice. Leanna turned a little on his lap with a deep breath and you chuckled.
‘It’s the only thing I’m looking forward to while I’m at a raid, coming back home.’ He confessed.
‘Was it that good as you told them?’
‘Yes, it was a good raid.’ He reacted, comforting almost. Somewhere deep down you didn’t want him to leave on new adventures, but being a son of Ragnar asked that from him. You came out of the chair and walked over to him and the sleeping childeren.
‘You should get some rest to.’
‘I could fall asleep right here, I wouldn’t mind.’ He confessed.
‘Well, I missed you to, give me some time with you alone to.’ You smiled while taking Leanna her sleeping body in your arms. She groaned a little angry but slept further as soon as she was in your arms. Ubbe did the same for Raiden. You brought the childeren to bed, looking from in the doorway how they slept for a while. Ubbe wrapped an arm over your shoulder and you leaned in on him.
‘You do a great job with them.’
‘I’m not doing it alone.’ You reacted. He laid his ferm hand on your belly and you looked up to him with a smile.
‘I won’t be raiding again for a while, not until this little one is born.’ He announched. He missed Leanna her birth because he was on a raid that took a little longer than anticipated. And he had so much guilt afterwards, for leaving you in the time you probarbly needed him the most.
‘I still have a few months to go. Time enough.’
‘Do you want me out the house Y/n?’ He joked, pulling you into your own bedroom. You chuckled, wrapping your arms around his neck.
‘No, I don’t. It’s good to have you back. I missed my husband, the man of my childeren, the love of my life.’ You confessed. He cupped your face and kissed you. You hand stroke the long braids in his hair before you landed on the bed. He pulled his shirt out and you welcomed his bare chest as much as he welcomed your soft lips.

When you got up the next morning Ubbe wasn’t there. You found him outside with the childeren. He was learning Raiden some knots while Leanna practiced her walking. She saw you and kept her hands up, slowly walking over. You crouched down and you laughed when she just fell those last few steps, right into your arms. She wrapped her arms around you and you got up, walking over to Ubbe who looked up.
‘Father is learning me knots.’ Raiden announched excited. You smiled, standing still aside Ubbe from where he sat with Raiden. He wrapped an arm around your legs and pressed a kiss against your belly.
‘Goodmorning.’ He said, smiling up to you. It maked you feel all that love again in your stomach, the way he looked at you, act around you. You laid you hand on his shoulder, giving a short squeeze before you looked to Raiden who demonstrated one of his knots. Leanna started pulling on Ubbe his braids, asking for his attention so you let go of her.
‘They don’t like me anymore now you are back.’ You joked, looking how Ubbe gave Leanna his flat hand and she started to kick it with hers.
‘That’s because I’m the most amazing father.’ He said so serious it maked you laugh.
‘Lucky for you I love him.’
‘You said that yesterday to.’ He looked up you, his eyes sparkling in the morningsun.
‘Can’t repeat it often enough.’ You shruggded, leaning down to greet him with kiss.
‘Same for me.’ He said against your lips.
‘I know.’ You whispered, giving him another kiss before you looked back to Raiden. The perfect picture was this, the four, almost five, of you on a farm that belonged once to the great and famous Ragnar Lothbrok.

  • what she says: i'm fine
  • what she means: japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫ beautiful ♫ in the year negative a billion japan might not’ve been here. in the year negative 40,000 it was here. and you could walk to it. and some people walked to it. then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island and now there’s lots of ~trees~ (because it’s warmer.) so now there’s people on the island, they’re basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. like stones. and bowls. ding dong, it’s the outside world and they have technology from the future. like really good metal. and crazy rice farms. now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to /survive/. so that makes you king. rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here. the most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here and here. but this one was the most most important, ruled by a “heavenly superperson”, called emperor for short. knock knock. get the door, it’s religion. the new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from baekje. “please try this religion,” he said. “no,” said everybody. “try it,” he said. “no,” said everybody again, quieter this time. and so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it. then the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms, like making the government govern more, and making the government more like china’s government, which is a government that governs more. “hi china,” they said. “hi dipshit,” said china. “can you call us something else, other than dipshit?” said japan. “like what?” said china. “♫ how about sunrise land? ♫” said japan. and they stole china’s alphabet and wrote a book. about themselves. and then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. right here. and they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. a rich hipster named kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits china and learns a better version which is more ~spiritual~ comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be ~great~ for a long time. and the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country. so if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? ♫ hire a samurai ♫ everyone started hiring samurai. (correction: rich important people hired samurai. poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.) the samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. so they made their own military government, here. they let the emperor still be “emperor”, but the shogun is actually in control. BREAKING NEWS the Mongols have invaded China. “we’ve invaded china,” said the mongols. “please respect us, or else we might invade you as well.” “okay,” said japan. so the mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. but they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the japanese but then died in a tornado. then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate. and the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine. ♫ now there’s more art ♫ like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. it’s time for who’s going to be the next shogun? usually it’s the shogun’s kid. but the shogun doesn’t have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. he says ok. but then the shogun has a kid. so now who’s it gonna be? vote now on your phones. and everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. the shogun actually didn’t care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. and the whole country broke into pieces. everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game. knock knock. it’s europe. no, they’re not here to take over (yet) they just wanna sell some shit. like clocks. and guns. and ~jesus~. so that’s cool, but everyone’s still fighting with each other for control. now with guns!! and wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? this clan is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. surprise, the smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital, and it goes very well. he’s about halfway through conquering japan when someone who works for him kills him, and then someone else who works for him kills them. and that guy finishes conquering japan. and then he confiscated everybody’s swords and made some rules. “and now i’m going to invade korea, and then hopefully china,” he said and failed, and also died. but before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his 5 year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of japan. and the five guys said “Yeah, Right. it’s not gonna be this kid. it’s gonna be one of Us. cuz we’re /grownups/.” and it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. a lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. they have a fight, and he wins, and starts a new government, right here ~Edo~ and he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. but don’t get confused. this is the new government, and they are very strict. so strict they closed the country. no one can leave, and no one can come in. except for the dutch, if they want to buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here. now that the entire country was not at war with itself the population increased a lot. business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and dutch studies. people started to study european science from books they bought from the dutch. we’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, maybe even electricity. over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down- knock knock. it’s the United States. with huge boats. (with guns) (gunboats) “open the country. stop having it be closed.” said the united states. there’s really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets united states, britain and russia visit japan anytime they want. choshu and satsuma hated this. “that sucks.” they said. “this sucks!!!!” and with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate, and somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to edo which they renamed eastern capital. they made a new government which was “a lot more western”. they made a new constitution that was pretty western and a military that was pretty western. and do you know what else is western? that’s right, it’s conquering stuff. so what can we conquer? korea. they conquer korea, taking it from its previous owner china, and then go a little bit further. and russia rushes in out of nowhere and says “stop, no, you can’t take that. we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” and russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. and then when the railroad was done they downgraded to a fuck ton. (did i say downgrade? i meant upgrade.) and japan says “can you maybe chill?” and russia says “How About Maybe You Chill?” japan’s kinda scared of russia. you’ll never guess who’s also kinda scared of russia. great britain. so japan and great britain make an alliance together so they can be “a little less scared of Russia”. feeling confident, japan goes to war against russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫ it’s time for World War 1 ♫ The World is about to Have A War because it’s the 1900’s and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. meanwhile japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m o r e and the next thing on our list is this part of china and lots of tiny islands. all that stuff belongs to germany, which has just had war declared on them by britain, because britain was friends with belgium, which is being trespassed by germany in order to get to france to kick france’s ass because france is friends with russia who is getting ready to kick austria’s ass because austria is getting ready to kick serbia’s ass because someone from serbia shot the leader of austria’s ass. (er, actually shot him in the head.) and britain is currently friends with japan, so you know what that means? duh. ♫ japan should take the islands ♫ which they wanted to do anyway. so they called britain on the tele to sort of let them know. and then they did it. and they also helped britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. now the war is over and congratulations japan you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. and yes, japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from germany. you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫ the League of Nations ♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. the great depression is bad and japan’s economy is now crappy. but the military is doing just fine and it invades manchuria. and the League of Nations is like “no, don’t do that, if you’re in the league of nations you’re not supposed to take over the world!” but japan said ♫ how bout i do anyway? ♫ and japan invaded more and more and more and more of china and was planning to invade the entire east. You’ve Got Mail it’s from germany. the new leader of germany. he has a cool moustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. this also got forwarded to italy, and they all decided to be friends because they have so much in common. ♫ it’s time for World War 2 ♫ (the sequel) germany is invading the neighbors. then they invade the neighbor’s neighbors. then the neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbors, who happened to be britain said “holy shit” and the united states started helping britain because they are ♫ good friends ♫ and started not helping japan because ♫ their friends and our friends are not friends ♫ ♫ plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean ♫ the united states is also working on a large very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever™, just in case. but they still haven’t joined the war. war looks bad on tv, and the united states is really starting to care about their image. but then japan spits on them in hawaii and challenges them to war, and they say yes. and then germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the united states also, and so the united states goes to war in europe. and they help the gang chase germany back in to germany, and they also start chasing japan back into japan. and they haven’t used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on japan. they actually drop two. united states installed a new government inspired by the united states government with just the right ingredients for a ♫ post-war economic miracle ♫ and japan starts making tvs, vcrs automobiles and camcorders as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. they get rich and the economy goes wild and then the miracle wears off but everything’s still pretty cool i guess ♫ bye ♫