In addition to the @starbotdubs situation, I have a few words to say about Ultima’s response here (sorry Steph if you’d rather not get tagged in this). I looked up his channel out of pure curiosity and found this video.
This is exactly the kind of non-apology that people in bad relationships need to look out for. In fact people in any relationship, because often when someone’s in a bad relationship it doesn’t FEEL bad to them, at least not for a while. I want to break down what he’s doing here because it’s almost brilliant in its structure, and so true to form for people who are emotionally abusive.
1. He comes out the gate with a ton of unqualified absolutes. “What’s going on in the here and now.” “100% real, honest, and transparent (”anyone who has been subscribed to me…knows this)” “I’ve kept it real with the fans since day one” “This is nothing but the unclouded truth.” “I will not make excuses for my actions.” We have no reason to believe these are true, he’s said and done nothing to back them up. It sounds really upfront and honest, but there’s really nothing substantial here. It’s all fluff to appeal to the emotions (also phrases like “if you cannot find it within your heart to forgive me as a human being” serve the same purpose).
2. His first apology is to those whose respect he has lost (which he highlights himself by saying he wants to “apologize in advance to them”). NOT to the people who he has hurt. This is an important distinction because the respect of his fans is an asset with material value. I couldn’t say whether he did this consciously or not, but at the very least it seems a rather bizarre choice for a first apology given all that’s been alleged against him.
3. Two minutes into all this fluff he finally says he’s going to keep it short and concise because “time is a very precious matter.” Aside from being a contradiction, I’m pretty sure the most important matter in the video should be adequately addressing the issue at hand. Brevity has nothing to do with that. If it takes a longer video to properly explain what happened, then so be it. I can only chalk this up to showmanship, kind of like those people in the mall kiosks who pull you aside so you can sample their product, and several minutes into their spiel are still saying “in just 2 minutes I can show you why you need this product!” Maybe it’s just because I’ve worked a lot in marketing, but this whole video sounds very much like a sales pitch to me. Especially with how fast he’s talking (unless that’s how he always talks? again I don’t watch his channel).
4. He says he will explain WHY he did what he did, not WHAT happened. Here’s where the real problem with this video starts to show itself: his rationale has absolutely NO bearing on the situation at hand. What he owes his fans and Steph and everyone else he’s hurt is a summary of the events and an apology. Bringing in his reasons for doing what he did sounds a lot like those “excuses” he said he was not going to give in the beginning.
5. IMMEDIATELY after he begins that objective summary he gives completely unnecessary “opinions” about how he feels about Stephanie. And this is where the emotionally abusive language kicks in. Remember when Steph said in her post how her psychology bells started ringing? This is what she was talking about. “I literally honored and treasured our relationship to the fullest and never took it for granted.” There is so much to unpack in that sentence. It’s one-sided, it’s absolute, it’s possessive, and it’s blatantly untrue. Because if he hadn’t taken what they had for granted, he wouldn’t have hurt her in the first place. To take something for granted is to fail to appreciate it. If he believes that is true IN SPITE of what he did, then it’s clear his definition of appreciating someone in a relationship has nothing to do with the other person’s feelings about the relationship.
6. The summary continues and is peppered with his emotional reactions (”I was like oh no, did I do something wrong”). Again unnecessary, and only meant to illicit sympathy for him as opposed to communicating the story in an “unclouded” manner.
7. Next is a HUGE RED FLAG:he implies that how he treated Stephanie (or rather how the thinks he has treated her) has ANYTHING to do with whether or not she should be in a relationship with him. Do you remember all those “friendzoned” memes from a while back, and how one meme that responded to them went something like “women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins into until sex comes out?” THIS IS WHAT THOSE MEMES WERE TALKING ABOUT.
I cannot stress this enough. HOW YOU TREAT SOMEONE IN A RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT PUT THEM UNDER ANY OBLIGATION TO CONTINUE THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. PERIOD.
It doesn’t matter how nice you are. It doesn’t matter if you treat them like a “queen,” or a “king,” or whatever. You have no right to them. They are free to end the relationship on any terms they see fit, and if you are any kind of a decent human being with even an OUNCE of respect for them you will let them go and not pursue them any further. FULL. STOP.
8. He says twice that Steph “came out of nowhere” and said this to him. At this point he’s done a full 180 and framed HIMSELF as the victim here. That’s right–not even halfway into the video and now HE’S the one who had this sudden breakup INFLICTED upon him.Steph is now the instigator who brought these events upon HIM. This couldn’t be a more perfect example of victim-blaming.
9. He glosses over the later parts of the story, summarizing the events only by saying he “became greedy” and “began talking to other women.” This is the part of the story where he himself says he did wrong, yet he offers no detail into what specifically he did and said. Before when he was the victim, we got a play-by-play for how the breakup went down. But he spends as little time as possible actually explaining what he did wrong.
10. More appeals to emotion. “When you want something so bad so as to be able to have that completeness, to be able to have that love with someone, you’d do just about anything to get it.” He completely fails to see how his “love” was one-sided and, after the termination of the relationship, totally unwelcome. Even now he does not understand how it is possible for someone he wants to be in a relationship with to not want to be with him. In his mind if he likes the person and treats them right, they should by default feel the same way about him. He does not understand autonomy in relationships.
11. More appeals for the audience’s forgiveness.
Never once in the video does he apologize directly to anyone he hurt. Never once does he ask for their forgiveness, or express any regret for hurting them or losing their respect. The only forgiveness he asks for is that of his subscribers’.
I know not everybody appreciates a wall-o-text in their feed, but if you got this far thank you for reading. This is a textbook case of emotional abuse. If you or someone you love has a partner who talks like this about them, or apologizes like this when they do wrong, please step back and analyze the situation. When you’re in the middle of this it can be so hard to see the signs, but they’re there and crystal clear if you know what to look for. Much love to Stephanie and everyone else affected by him.
“Could you ask them to turn down there music at least,” my best friend, Sahara whines to me.
“That’s just gonna make him turn it up more louder, dude.” I say, staring at floor of my apartment.
“Well maybe you should say something again, damn.” Sahara says, noticing that the music is getting louder the more we talk.
Hi, I’m Lola King, I’ve been living in LA for three months now with Sahara, my bestfriend. I love it here. Me and Sahara grew up in a pretty small, isolated part of New York. Not many people visited over there they usually went to the big parts of New York like Queens or Manhattan.
Sahara lived right next door to me and automatically we became bestfriends. We both have a passion for dancing, we have had one since we were 8.
When senior year came around, we started thinking about what we were going to do
because we both knew staying here wouldn’t really do us any justice. We found a small dance company across from a little apartment that was vacant.
Once me and Sahara graduated, we packed our bags and hopped the fuck out of there. Two weeks later, we bought the apartment on the 7th floor and have our jobs at the dance studio across the street as choreographers. The only problem is our neighbor. Nate Maloley, all he does is smoke, fuck, sleep and repeat. It’s so annoying, different girls come from his house almost every night. There is always a party going on over there. I got so sick of it, I decided to go over there to tell him to turn it down. Long story short, I got a door right in my face. Sahara even tried, he wanted to fuck her though. Something that really pisses me off is that I went to the landlord to tell her the problem and these are the exact words she said to me:
“It’s Mr.Maloley’s space and he is allowed to do whatever he wants with it.”
He probably fucked her too. 100% percent sure he did. I’ve learned to tune out the music but Sahara hasn’t. He thinks he can get whatever he wants and get with any girl because he is a hot ass rapper with sexy tattoos… What am I doing?
“Lola, you need to tell him to turn that shit down. Now.” Sahara says, I’ve had enough too.
“You’re right, he needs to fuckin learn some respect for the people around him.” I get up and put on my shoes.
“Yes, go get him!” Sahara cheers me on, pushing me out the door. Fuck, I sigh and start approaching Nate’s door, I knock loudly so he can hear it over his music.
The music turns down and I hear the locks on the door start to be unlocked, My heart begins to race as I see a shirtless Nate Maloley with tattoos and a gold chain around his neck, with a very amused smirk on his face.
“Yes, Lola?” Nate says, looking me up and down.
“Can you turn down your music for me? I’ve learned to tune it out but Sahara hasn’t so can you please?” I say hoping that he will corporate with me.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” he says not looking into my eyes. I sigh in relief.
“Thanks, Nate” I smile,
“Tell Sahara to come over whenever she wants to bang and same to you too,” he says winking and going in to his apartment.
I scoff and go back to my apartment.
“So?” Sahara questions me as I walk into the room.
“He turned it down,” I assure, not even including Nate’s message knowing that Sahara would never go up on his offer.
“Alright, I’m gonna go to sleep then.” Sahara says, yawning and stretching.
“Night Hara,” I reply, going to sit on the couch and turning on the tv. I hear Sahara’s door close I turn on The Office and my eyes begin to close as the episode begins and I drift to sleep.
“Hey Lo, can you help me get some stuff out of the car?” Sahara calls to me on my phone.
“Yeah sure” I say sighing. I have done nothing all day today, all I’ve been doing is eating and watch Netflix. I wanted to hang out with Sahara but she was busy doing shit, I don’t know, honestly. I put on shoes and start heading down the stairs to Sahara’s car. As I turn the corner, I see Nate standing there, looking around nervously.
“Hey Nate” i say walking towards him.
“Hi” He replies not even looking up to give me even a glance.
“Alright, nice talk. K bye,” I say turning the other way to start heading to Sahara’s car, which is across from us. As I’m walking over there, I feel a sharp pain in my head and I fall backwards.
“Oh shit, are you okay?” A guy with dark hair says, a very worried look on his face. Must I say, he was fine as fuck.
“Hello?” He says. As if he’s looking into my soul.
“Um, yeah” I say, starting to get up and wipe off my hands on my pants. He is still staring at me but more intensely this time. I smile and begin to turn around to leave.
“Wait,” I hear him say behind me.
“Yeah?” I question looking over my shoulder. “What’s your name?” he ask.
“Lola.” I say simply.
“John.” he replies.
“Well Lola, you’re very beautiful and i feel bad for giving you a slight concussion, so let me take you out tonight” He says looking down at his shoes and then looking up at me. I chuckle and begin to reply.
“As long as you don’t knock me down again,” He laughs.
“I promise I won’t knock you down,” he says, closing the space in between us and touches my arm. I feel a blush start to creep onto my face as he does that.
“Swazz!” Somebody screams behind us. I look to see Nate looking at Swazz and making a ‘come here’ motion with his hands.
“Swazz? Who’s that?” I question him, raising my eyebrow. He sighs.
“It’s a nickname my best friend gave me back in high school. I told him not to call me that when I was talking to pretty girls” he says semi-annoyed with Nate.
“It’s fine, John. It’s just a nickname and it actually sounds pretty cool,” I reassure him.
Wait, wait, wait… Nate is his bestfriend. GOD DAMN IT, LOLA WHY THE HOT BESTFRIENDS.
“You’re bestfriends with Nate?” I ask hoping to hear a no.
“Yeah, I am. You know him?” He questions.
“Yeah that’s my neighbor,” I chuckle nervously.
“Ohhh, so you’re the famous 'annoying, hot neighbor’,” he chuckles.
“Excuse me?” I say taken back. John laughs. So, to Nate I’m the hot, annoying neighbor? Wow, that’s not bad compared to everything else I’ve been called.
“So, where are we going?” I ask, referring to our date.
“Oh maybe we can just chill at your place, maybe watch a movie,” he says.
“Yeah totally” I smile.
“So about 8?” He asks.
We begin exchanging numbers and he kisses my cheek.
“I’ll see you later beautiful,” he says walking over to Nate and bro hugs him, I guess. I look over at Sahara’s car and she wasn’t there. Shit. I say running up the stairs to get to the apartment to see if she is there. I open the door to see a annoyed Sahara looking at me.
“Hello, Lola” she says harshly, sipping her coke, not even looking at me. I begin to whine.
“Sahara, I forgot I’m sorryyyyyyyyyy.” I say, acting like a two year old.
“Why should I forgive you, huh?” She asks, still looking away from me.
“Because you’re helping me get ready for my date that is in three hours,” I say acting like it’s nothing. Sahara’s face drops and then she just starts screaming like a weirdo.
“Shhhhh, he’s right next door.” I say giggling and putting my hand over her mouth. She licks my hand.
“Nasty.” I say, hitting her.
“So how did Nate ask you out” she says wiggling her eyebrows.
“No, no. Not Nate. His friend, John.” I say chuckling at the thought that if Nate would ever ask me on a date.
“Oh well, let’s start getting you fuckable.” She says grabbing my arm leading me into her room.
“Am I not fuckable now?” I question, looking down at my sweatpants and oversized tee shirt. “John found me fuckable with this on,” I mumble.
“No girl he saw that ass and said DAMN A BITCH PACKIN,” she says, grabbing my ass. I laugh and continue to walk to her room.
“Ok, where is this date” Sahara asks, looking through her closet.
“In our living room,” I reply. Sahara raises her eyebrows and gives me a look.
“Tell me this wasn’t his idea”
Sahara starts to shake her head. What’s wrong with him pitching that idea to come here? I don’t feel like doing my makeup or hair. Doesn’t sound like a bad night to me.
“Lola King.” Sahara starts, “ he wants to fuck you, for gods sake.” She finishes. I laughed,
“No, he doesn’t. We just met today”
“Doesn’t mean his weeny doesn’t want a go at you,” she says chuckling.
I shake my head. “Find me some clothes, hoe. Hurry up, he’ll be here in 2 hours,” I say as I look down at my nails and start to pick at them. All of sudden, clothes are thrown onto my bed.
“Wait, where are you gonna stay?” I question her, feeling bad at the fact I’m technically kicking her out of her own apartment.
“Don’t worry Lo, I’m going to the studio to practice.” She says reassuring me.
I sigh, thank god she won’t be here or it would be so awkward.
After 40 minutes of picking out my outfit and Sahara giving me a talk about sex which was the funniest shit ever, she starts to get ready to leave.
“Remember. No fucking on that couch, it’s brand new.” She says, tying up her shoes and picking up her bag.
“I know, I know, Mom. John is gonna be here any minute now, leave.” I say rushing her. I don’t want him coming in and thinking she is gonna stay, that’s just gonna ruin that shit.
“I don’t want little Lolas’ running around in this bitch,” she says pointing her finger at me.
“Alright, just leave already.” I say, starting to push her out.
“Keep Lola Jr. in check, hoe. I know how you are when a dick is around you,” she says chuckling and closing the door behind her. I laugh out loud when she finally left.
I start to pace after 5 minutes pass. What if he got kidnapped? What if he lost interest? What if Sahara was right my ass was poppin and he wanted some? oh damn it, Lola. Stop. As I start to pace faster, there is a knock at the door.
A/N: I will post a new chapter every Monday and Friday thanks for reading the first chapter💕 -Kendria
I want to request a set of EXO's GIF - asking you for a date. thank you~ mianhamnida if you have done this already~
Xiumin: Do you wanna hang out tomorrow? Maybe go to a park or whatever you like…
Luhan: *way to be suttle, Luhan.*
Kris: If you promise to go on a date with me tomorrow I will let you keep this lil guy?
Suho: Wanna date a real man? y/n: umm *breaks into giggles* Suho: YOU SAID SHE WOULDN’T LAUGH GUYS!
Lay: I’m really nervous and stuttering like crazy but I hope you will understand what I’m saying… Do y-you wanna go on a da-date with me tomorrow? I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to but I’m hoping its yes.
Baekhyun: If you lose you have to go on a date with me. y/n: oh, I won! Baek: Wait, wait you cheated. Kyungsoo you were suppose to help me! y/n: How did I cheat its rock, paper, scissors? Baek: REMATCH RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! *desperate much*
Chen: Me + you = tomorrow at 8:00 be there or be square.
Chanyeol: Do you wanna go watch a movie? ….With me of course cause I mean who wants to watch a movie alone right, right?…
D.O: What’s a King with out a Queen? *smooth, very smooth*
Tao: *to shy so this happened* Chen: Y/n Tao likes you! He just whispered it in my ear!
Kai: This is what you need to bring to the date:
Sehun: Boys: Hurry up and do it, chicken! Sehun: Alright! y/n would you like to go on a date with me? The guys are watching remember that. *way to not make me feel pressured, asshole.*