4. Worst. Sob Stories. Ever
It’s a tradition for Tyra to parade out her semifinalists and make them share their darkest and most personal secrets in order to determine whether they have it what it takes to be a model. On ANTM, a subpar appearance can always be overlooked if the model has some rare disease or tragic accident in her past.
This year, though… it’s like ANTM wasn’t even trying to make us cry! Was this really the best they could find? Where is the Hurricane Katrina survivor? Where is the homeless person? Where is the burn victim? Where is the victim of female circumcision? Where is that one lesbian who was the sole survivor of a plane crash as a kid?
I’m almost tempted to say that they are putting more focus on finding actual models this year, except they recruited a bunch of freaks and shorties, so that can’t be it. Anyway, you can read about some of their personal tragedies here… and no, don’t worry about grabbing the tissues.
Mame was the child of a diplomat and lived a privileged lifestyle in Switzerland with cooks and maids. Then she got in one little fight, and her mom got scared; she said, “You’re moving with your aunt and your uncle in Bel Air.” Okay, I might have mixed her story up a bit with the Fresh Prince, but anyway, she gets shipped to her aunt and uncle in America for “stability”’s sake. Apparently, Mame could not stop this because there’s NO arguing with African parents. Maybe, though, there’s just no arguing with her father because he’s a diplomat and therefore always diplomatic.
Just when you think Mame’s story can’t get any sadder, she cries about how she was “raised over the phone.” If only the Line App were around when she was a teenager, I’m sure she’d be much closer to her family.
You’ll never guess what’s wrong with this guy. He’s suffering from a long…
… neck. The poor child! At least he’ll never be accused of being a no-neck monster.
His more substantial physical disability is “cauliflower ear.” I initially thought Tyra was babbling nonsense, but apparently that’s a real thing where the ear gets deformed after a wrestler gets bashed in the head repeatedly. If I were Dustin, I’d be more considered about what those injuries have done to his intelligence than the cartilage in his ears.
Believe it or not - and Tyra doesn’t apparently - this poor kid has to PAY HIS OWN BILLS. What has this world come to? Mikey says his childhood was difficult because the “late ‘80s/early 90s was a rough time in the world.” (Pretty sure he’s throwing shade at New Kids on the Block here.) He’s also one of the first males in his family not to go to prison. That’s an accomplishment, I guess, but why aren’t we seeing his formerly incarcerated relative on this show instead? Brother Ricky for ANTM 23! #MugshotRealness #23toLife
Despite being signed to six modeling agencies, clients never book Devin for actual jobs since he is “not the typical black guy.” He says the constant rejection has left him “messed up in the head.” Again, it is not his fault, it is the lack of modeling gigs that has driven him to his bizarre behavior. We’re praying for you, Devin.
No one has ever taken a picture of Courtney in her life! No parents? No friends? The only logical explanation for this is that she was a feral child left alone in the woods until ANTM held a casting call in the forest and welcomed her to the rest of society. Will she be able to handle having OTHER people take her picture? Crossing my fingers for this girl because it is one hell of a story.
Bryant is a successful underwear model, but he’s hoping to rebrand himself as more than that. “I’m here to show you that the clothes don’t wear you, you wear the clothes.” So far on this show, Bryant has worn like zero articles of clothing, so mission failed, I’d say.
Delanie lost 40 pounds and found her transition from duckling to swan to be difficult. If only you knew what it was like to become really, really, really pretty over a short time span. She was just this ordinary girl and now she’s been forced to enter a modeling competition due to this cursed beauty.
Hadassah is also cursed with beauty - she’s so pretty that people just assume she’s dumb! “A lot of people think I’m not very smart just by looking at me…” she says. That doesn’t sound fair! “… or hearing me talk,” she continues. Wait - hold the phone. If people think you’re dumb after you talk to them, then you’re probably just dumb. But being legitimately dumb might be sadder than having your intelligence underestimated, so I’ll give you a sliver of sympathy, Hadassah.
Maleesa is the shortest person in the competition and that’s horrible because… I dunno, people keep accidentally stepping on her or something?
Justin’s immigrant parents want him to quit modeling and get a “real job.” You’d think they’d just be glad that he’s not a drug dealer like his sister (okay, technically she’s a pharmacist, but same difference). It’s hard, but he’s already trying to break expectations of what an Asian is supposed to be:
If you say so, Justin.
This girl’s parents divorced when she turned 15, and she’s more distraught about the situation than the model who got molested. You know who else’s parents were divorced by the time they were teenagers? Half of America. Don’t waste our time with this shit, Lacey, unless YOU’RE the one who got divorced. If you want to be the next Jourdan, start practicing the line “I got married at 15 and divorced at 15.”
8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 22 Ep. 1