killing thought


She was the girl who was there for everyone when they needed someone to talk to. Someone they could count on, but when she needed someone, she had no one. She had to cry to herself silently, so no one would hear her falling apart. The little hope that she had left was vanishing along with the last tears she had. Those tears going into the empty pill bottles that she had taken 10 minutes before. No one cared. No one would miss her. She would never get married. Never get a job. Never be successful. What’s the point of living if everything goes to waste? She’s just another nobody. And with the last tear she took her last breath. Goodbye.

Originally posted by 0nly-an-illusi0n

ANALYSIS: mindful education and kill la kill

((Sooooo, it’s been a while! but i’m here to point out some stupid stuff. PS- THIS IS RATED LIKE.. PG15 OR WHATEVER. THERE WILL BE ANIMATED BLOOD and under boob i guess))

Mindful education, it was a great episode that centered around fusion, specifically stevonnie. Steven and Connie learn how to stay as a stable fusion with the help of Garnet, this episode was loved for it’s exploration into anxiety and it’s way how showing people that it’s better to face the truth and facts rather than push it aside and ignore it. Not only that, but it was also the first episode on Steven universe to have a guest animator, that animator being  Takafumi Hori!  Takafumi Hori works for trigger studio, specifically i’d like to point out, he worked as an animation director on kill la kill. 

“now, what does this have to do with anything and why am i bringing it up now? so and so already talked about it!”

shh. i’m sure they did, but i am yet to see that. after the little nod to mindful education in the recent episode storm in the room, where Connie makes the same hand position that Steveonnie and Garnet did in that episode, and after me watching kill la kill again, this time appreciating it’s story telling, art style and messages, i realize how many similarities it shares with mindful education and i could see why they had  Takafumi Hori guest animate the song sequence “here comes a thought”.

((if you haven’t already watched kill la kill, i recommend it, but do go in with an open mind as people are always quick to judge it for it’s … well.   fanservice. in truth, it gives a messages about being true to who you are, body positivity, opening yourself up to others and relationships, whether it be friendship, romance or platonic love.

so quick summary of kill la kill for those who haven’t watched it: a young girl named ryuko matoi goes to honnouji seeking answers as to who killed her father, there she makes friends with mako and her family, finds a living sailor suit, that she names senketsu (fresh blood) since they meet over him wanting ryuko’s blood and discovers there is more to her existence than she thought.))

 What i’ll talk about here will probably not contain any major spoilers to the anime, but it would make more sense to someone who has watched and has an appreciation for kill la kill, so, here we go.

First off, i’d like to point out what a major part of kill la kill is, in the first few episodes, ryuko and senketsu have trouble syncing and being one, this is caused by ruko silently pushing senketsu away out of embarrassment. 

very soon after in a fight with satsuki she realizes what she’s doing and accepts senketsu and her body and stops being embarrassed. 

(side note, i just realized how dopey and cute sentektsu looks on ryuko in his unfully activated state X3)

now that you know how their relationship works, ryuko and senketsu having to rely on each other to stay at full power and do their best, doesn’t that remind you of mindful education? having to work together with someone else and sync with them to perform at your best.

another point i would like to make, is what happens when a member of the pair loses it. 

for a fusion, they will break apart, or try to stay together and experience something like a nightmare or hallucination of what is bothering them. This could be guilt or pain of any emotional kind as far as we know.

and guess what happens in kill la kill with ryuko and senketsu!??

one of them loses it,

both of them

f*cking lose it

this scene right here, is ryuko getting so mad over nui coaxing her about the death of her father that her blood is so hot and boiling to the point senketsu loses control too. They become a literal monster. 

but how is this freaking monstrosity the same i don’t hear, but presume you ask- 

in kill la kill, this example would be the most extreme, ryuko and senketsu don’t technically break apart from being unstable, but they will when senketsu is not emotionally close enough to ryuko and can’t hold his actual kamui (godrobe) form in worry that he will kill ryuko or knock her out from blood loss (yes, he drinks a small amount to a moderate amount of her blood to stay in that form), this is because he needs to drink more of her blood in order to be close to her if she is pushing him away out of embarrassment or general emotional resentment of any kind. This causes senketsu to go back to his sailor uniform-form to save ryuko

this in away is like a fusion splitting up. but back to monster ryuketsu (ryuko wearing senketsu i mean) the way they lose each other is the same way Steven and Connie lose each other in their pain in their hallucinations, one of them loses it. both of them lose it. They both get scared and stressed and it just gets everything much worse till they split up. 

few more things i’d like to point out, acceptance and being emotionally synced (in relation to the here comes a thought) . 

acceptance, toward the middle and end of mindful education, Steven tells Connie that he just pushes his feelings aside and ignores them to the best of his abilities. He tries to take the easy route out by ignoring everything to stay happy (ignorance is bliss). Ryuko goes through the same thing while wearing junketsu, for a while, she tries to keep her ignorance, going to kill mako

even though technically, this is a forced feeling, ryuko does have to power to resist it, which is what she ends up doing, though at first she seemed to be more content with killing the ones that deny her fake happiness. Just as ryuko had mako and senketsu, Steven has Connie to help him get over his wanting to ignore his problems and be ignorant to it all. 

They both face the fact that it will be better for them not to live like that and accept reality. Steven couldn’t help those gems and Rose is not as perfect has he thought, Ryuko is not happy and her wedding is not real, her mother is a manipulative b*tch and junketsu is not good.

now for the song and kill la kill. 

just listen to them both and think about the lyrics. now

they both tell about how they must both be calm and not lose themselves in their problems and mind, to level the head and sync, they will have problems but they have each other and they still exist. 

alright, that’s all.

oh wait

dont forget dis

I feel like Sangwoo's favourite drink isn't something alcoholic or even a juice but milk...

Like milk is such a childish and maternal thing to drink and it’s just really weird watching a grown man prefer milk over everything else… It would be cool I guess since he seems to have an odd obsession with his mother (who is his mother therefore breastfed him probably which is y’know, milk!) and it’s just creepier if he enjoys milk… Meanwhile I think Bum would just stick to water *shivers*…

anonymous asked:

Have you ever thought about killing someone and what are your thoughts about it :) btw nice blog

Yes, I’ve thought about killing someone but I wasn’t in my right frame of mind at the time, a lot had happened, this person had screwed me over, I was heartbroken and suicidal, it’s too complicated to explain. I don’t condone violence in any way.

tbh I haven’t been my self lately, I’ve been too caught up with putting everyone first and making sure that they have a smile on their face. but honestly I wish I could think about myself but that thought kills me because I hate my self and I just want people to be happy and know their worth and nothing else. does anyone else feel the same?

Killing Stalking Ch19 Thoughts

Just read ch 19 of killing stalking and I’m glad we did bc we got to see what kind of person yoonbum was pre sangwoo.

A lot of thoughts came to my head such as that it further proves that yoonbum isn’t gay. He could more likely be pansexual or some other sexuality like that. Bc we found out that he liked the girl not for her body but for who she is. The same as why he liked sangwoo except he liked him on the perception of who he THINKS he is.

Yoonbum loved hard in a destructive way such as how he tried to get into sangwoo’s house and how he needed an answer and needed to take one of her things in order to feel close to his previous love. It showed that he is pretty gone in terms of him controlling his emotions and being able to understand and control the situation.

I read somewhere where someone called him a misogynist and I disagree with that bc he said that her boobs is what attracted other men and that she used them in order to attract other men but he was different, he liked her for who she is and everything that she was. He liked her boobs only bc it was a part of her. He didn’t like her bc of her boobs like all the other guys.

The killing of jieun was understandable in his position (it wasnt RIGHT) but I can see why he went towards that direction as he is under a lot of psychological stress inherently through his current environment from the weeks or months he’s been there and up to that point in front of jieun. She said nice little comforting words and then as soon as sangwoo threw him over jieun’s body, she completely turned a 180 and began spouting similar sentiments his old love has spouted to him from the past.
To say the least, he was pushed to brinking point along with the facilitation of sangwoo.

This certain point in the story had probably broken him.

I stand by the notion that though sangwoo and the readers agree that himself and yoonbum are similar, they are also very different. I think that yoonbum would become a different killer from sangwoo. He could possibly be a much worser serial killer than sangwoo. Bc sangwoo felt a certain feeling when he kills and also when he first killed (which we are making the assumption that it was his parents or parent). Whereas, yoonbum’s first kill made him feel absolutely nothing. Which is maybe why sangwoo looked surprised when he saw yoonbum’s expression.

Sangwoo had wanted to make yoonbum into a similar killer as he is. But I think he just realised that he just bred a different kind of serial killer.

Sangwoo’s Feelings for Yoonbum

This is an analysis of Sangwoo’s feelings and thoughts throughout the chapters and how he developed feelings for Bum. This is basically Sangwoo’s POV of the story. It might answer some of the questions I’ve been seeing around about ‘Why did Sangwoo do this or that?’ and etc.

0. Emptiness

I think it’s very obvious that Sangwoo used to be really really lonely before Bum showed up. As a child he was abused and I think he was very attached to his mother so he lost the only person in his life that he truly loved. Imagine how frustrating it is to always pretend to be someone else. Be happy, smile, laugh, joke and hang out with people you don’t even like. You think they’re flawed, shallow, stupid, ungrateful and have ugly personalities (Sangwoo’s words) but this is the only way he can be with people. He has to wear a mask 24/7 that hides his true personality and I don’t care if he’s horrible, he’s still human. He doesn’t whine about it but he’s been subconsciously suffering. He has so many ‘friends’ and yet he’s completely lonely because nobody accepts him for what he really is. He literally does not have anyone.

Now before you blame his behavior and tendencies, I want to point out that I think Sangwoo has Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), shows signs of BPD and also he’s a victim of abuse so with those in mind, let’s start:

1. ‘A perverted stalker?’

A guy broke into Sangwoo’s house and when he got caught, he confessed to him, telling him that he’s been in love with him. Sangwoo smiles because ‘people are full of shit’ and say anything to save themselves. Let’s trust his words here and say he didn’t kill Bum because he hadn’t kill a man in 3 years but I also think at that moment he feels like he should keep Bum around. Maybe out of curiosity? He’s not sure why yet. He just knows Bum is a different case. To do that, he breaks Bum’s legs to make sure he won’t leave.

2. ‘Can I be attracted to a man?’

He doesn’t know what to do with this guy. Bum is not loud or annoying, he doesn’t disobey him and is powerless. Sangwoo started to rationalize things for himself and figure out if he can be attracted to Bum, a man, in any way, basically he started exploring,

But still, he doesn’t trust this ‘perverted stalker’ so he is thinking, ‘I’ll provoke him and I’ll have a reason to end his life.’ BUT to his surprise, his plan backfires. Bum likes the abuse (or at least pretends to). Despite mocking Yoonbum, Sangwoo is surprised! He loves what he’s seeing. I believe he never got a reaction like that from anyone before when abusing them. And so he takes another step forward and kisses him, still experimenting.

He likes the kiss. He decides to keep Bum for now. He keeps him in the basement for a week. He hurts Bum by cutting him (punishing him) but still Yoonbum doesn’t push him away. Sangwoo realizes Yoonbum really is not a threat and is powerless which is why he took him upstairs and when Yoonbum begged him not to take him to the basement again, despite rejecting him, he considered it.

3. ‘You will hate me!’ First Test

Sangwoo believed Yoonbum will eventually want to leave him. Because I think he is aware of his own wrong actions to some point at least. Why would anyone want to stay with him after everything that happened, right? But the big improvement was that he wasn’t planning to kill him anymore. Why? I believe this is where the feelings started to develop. When he sees his mother (the only person he loved), in Yoonbum. Although he can separate these two people very well in reality.

Yoonbum said ‘I love you!’ AGAIN even after everything and Sangwoo is once again surprised! He slowly starts to trust this person’s feelings. He even gives him a knife but… not because he trusts Bum. That’s a test. I’m not sure if this translation is right but I believe that’s what he means by ‘I have something I want to confirm too’. He’s testing Yoonbum’s loyalty. He wants to know if Bum really means it when he says he loves him.

After that the real abuse starts and I believe he’s copying his father’s behavior while Yoonbum is ‘the mom’. He makes him do house chores, beats him up, etc… Meanwhile he enjoys abusing him and is waiting for an excuse to hurt him badly because he’s not emotionally attached to him yet. He doesn’t care. But Yoonbum is always obedient and finally… Sangwoo lets Yoonbum sit at the table with him because he wonders why Yoonbum is so nice to him, always smiling and listening to him and even made him a really nice dinner. He suspects him and it happens to be the same night Yoonbum uses the rat poison. For whatever reason, the poison doesn’t work on Sangwoo and Yoonbum passes the first test!

4. ‘He really loves me?’

When Yoonbum got sick, is where we can see Sangwoo’s emotions to some point. Sangwoo picked him up and took him to the basement but he looked at Bum and actually felt sorry for him (or maybe he just couldn’t see him as a threat. Either way) He went back up and laid him down on his own mattress. He took care of him and told him to rest. You can see him sitting beside him and staring at him in silence and I love this panel so much because you can see Sangwoo caring. can’t help but feel like he’s worrying for his sick bunny xD His emotions aren’t strong but he doesn’t want to lose Bum.

I think the question Yoonbum asked (whether he really meant it or not) made Sangwoo happy a bit. Chapter 5 is where he finally feels attached to Yoonbum and shows him affection. They started exchanging stories. Sangwoo was actually interested to know about his story, although he was a bit disappointed, saying that it’s ‘boring’ and that he hates weak people like Yoonbum who self pity. “Stop going on about how lonely you are. I hate that shit.” Why? Because Sangwoo is not the type that stay sad and depressed over their misfortunes. He’s the type that wants to get stronger to beat whatever and whoever is in his way. But in a way he thinks Yoonbum is like him. He started comparing himself with Yoonbum which is a big improvement. He told him how Yoonbum made things easier for him. “Why? How? I looked for a reason. And then I saw you.” He told Bum he was glad they were together and Yoonbum’s love made him feel stronger which I believe means Yoonbum’s love and obedience gives him confidence. And by kissing Bum’s wrist he implied that the love can be mutual.
Although he still doesn’t fully trust him (which is probably why he also refused the bj) but he was letting himself believe that Bum’s love for him was real. He’s happy to see someone is still in love with him even after everything that happened and after he saw Sangwoo’s true personality. He has someone now that knows his darkest secrets and still wants him for what he really is.

5. ‘Almost there…’ Second Test

Everything seems to be going well after that. Sangwoo was kind and affectionate towards Yoonbum. He took care of him and joked around. Although I’d like to think he was being too nice on purpose and not really himself and that’s because the second test was coming. He wanted Bum to feel he’d lowered his guards. He reminded Bum not to cross the line then left the house and Bum fails the second test.

6. ‘Don’t be pathetic.’ First Lesson

Even though he was hoping Yoonbum won’t come out, he expected it (considering he had the basement ready for him). He does not trust Bum at all and I think he was trying to kill Bum until he saw him calling his name even in his last moments so that changed his mind. It’s as if you want to let go of someone you like but they keep coming back to you so you can’t make the right decision. He wants Yoonbum. He wants someone to love him and he knows he probably won’t ever find anyone like that again. He was disappointed in Yoonbum SO he decided to make him better! Stronger! Like himself. So after punishing him, first he decided to show him how pathetic he is. He found a guy for Bum to kill (’for practice’), meanwhile insulting both of them to show Bum how 'bad’ it is to be weak.

Sangwoo still cares about him and makes sure Yoonbum knows that. The sick little mind games he played, were only because he enjoys seeing Bum relying on him and trusting him blindly. As I said before, it gives him confidence and makes him feel stronger.

This first murder happened. It was supposedly to make Bum stronger, show him how it feels to kill and… the most important part, help Yoonbum understand Sangwoo and be closer to him (spiritually!?) so they can be together.

7. ‘He left me too! I won’t forgive him!’ The Breakdown

Fear of abandonment. I already wrote a long post and talked about Sangwoo’s fear of abandonment here. The panic that happens after he thinks he’s been abandoned and the roller coaster of emotions. Rage, Fear, Worry, Sadness. He feels betrayed. He goes mad … and I have one thing to add to it all. I think that might’ve been how he felt when his mother ‘left him’ AKA died considering the flashbacks. (I’m not sure if this person is his mother though. She might have been a replacement?) I don’t know if Sangwoo killed her or something else happened but we can be sure that he loves and wants Yoonbum equally.

When he finds Yoonbum… he realizes how valuable he is to him and so he finally decides, “Let’s stay together… forever…”

8. ‘See how disgusting people are’

I’m going to skip a bit to where Sangwoo introduces Yoonbum to his ‘friends’. I think this is all to let Yoonbum get bullied, emotionally hurt, to build up some anger in him and provoke him. To remind him this is how people will treat you if you let them. Sangwoo already knows Yoonbum has been bullied and hurt a lot in his life because in a way he can relate to him. They are the same people. They were both hurt and abused and they have the right to punish these disgusting people. And this is all for Yoonbum and for the both of them. Sangwoo is pulling him up to his level or at least close so that they can be together. Jieun was a gift to Yoonbum and Sangwoo was happy to see Yoonbum accepted that gift.

I tried to keep this as short as possible. I think I understand Sangwoo well and I believe this is also the reason why he kills… but still these are only my thoughts and how I see everything. So they might not be 100% true. Koogi might have more surprises for her readers. But still, I love this character a lot and I can’t wait to see and know more about him and his past. Also I kind of fast forwarded the last chapter because there are so many posts about it already.

Things that I need to do:

1. Re-watch all of Yuri on Ice

2. Re-watch all of Yuri on Ice again

3. and again

4. and again

5. and again

6. maybe take a break.

7. Re-watch it again: re experience my feelings, and proceed to cry even more.

8. Watch season 2