killing elephants

Okay okay this story is too good, I’ve gotta tell it myself.

This? Is Grigori Rasputin.

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He was born a peasant in Imperial Russia in 1869. We really don’t know much about his early life or his parents, because no one gave a shit about peasants in Siberia in 1869.

We do know that in 1886 he met and married a fellow peasant, a girl named Praskovya Dubrovina. They settled in Pokrovskoye. They had seven children, three of whom survived to adulthood. She remained devoted to him throughout his later deeds, infamy, and death.

This is where shit starts getting wild.

Sometime in 1897, Rasputin started getting seriously into religion, and left Pokrovskoye to go on pilgrimage. Why? We don’t really know. Some people claim he had a vision. Some claim he met a scholar and was impressed by their knowledge. Anyway, he traveled to the St. Nicholas Monastery at Verkhoturyem, where he remained for months, studying with an elder by the name of Makary. It is likely he learned to read and write here.

He eventually left the monastery, complaining that life there was too ‘coercive’ and that many of the monks engaged in 'homosexual acts’, which TBH good on you, monks.

If you were wondering “So, what does one do after you leave a monastery after months of study, and have a young wife and some kids at home?”

If you answered “Denounce booze, become a vegetarian, grow some wild hair and become a wandering pilgrim, singing and praying fervently as you go” then congrats! You’re thinking like Rasputin!

Somehow, doing this attracted him a group of disciples. They got up to some pretty wild shit, and there have been rumors that they joined a sect known as the khlysty, who engaged in self flagellation and also sexual orgies.  

It should be mentioned here that he was, apparently, hung like a fucking horse and his penis, severed post mortem, is now pickled in a jar.

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Anyway, moving on.

Word of this weird holy man spread, and he gained a reputation as someone who could heal people of maladies and hysteria, possibly by having sex with every woman he could. He SOMEHOW managed to wrangle a letter of recommendation to a monastery in St. Petersburg, and upon arriving somehow impressed people so much that he was eventually introduced to Tsar Nicholas II.

It’s noted that he had great charisma and was very compelling. He also wasn’t stupid, and immediately buttered up to the royal family as much as possible.

Much of his influence over the royal family was due to the fact that he was the only one who could seem to successfully treat their son, Alexei. Alexei was hemophiliac, and suffered considerably. He was the only son, and the fate of the dynasty hung on him, and of course then he was fretted over.

Rasputin did seem to honestly be able to ease Alexei’s suffering and several times managed to save him when the court doctors had given the boy up for dead. How? We’ve got no idea. Magic, probably.

The problems here came because Rasputin’s dick was well known in St. Petersburg, and rumors began to fly that he was serving that sausage up to the Empress. She did keep him close and write uncommonly intimate and familiar letters to him, but we don’t honestly know for sure if the rumors were true.

Anyway. The late days of the Romanov dynasty were a hot mess of political, religious, and social turmoil anyway, and Rasputin was basically a match to tinder. He had too much influence, he was too strange.

The first assassination attempt came when a peasant woman attempted to stab him to death. He was injured, but recovered, and was unnerved by the attack. He began to drink again.

The assassination attempt (and attempt, and attempt, and attempt) that would go down in legend came when a group of nobles led by Prince Felix Yusupov decided at last that Rasputin had too much influence for a peasant and must be removed.

Rasputin had a sweet tooth. So, his assassins laced a tray of cakes with enough cyanide to kill an elephant, and dumped another few doses into the wine to be sure. Then they lured him to Yusupov’s home with the promise that he could have sex with Yusupov’s wife and left the cakes and wine on the table. Rasputin tucked in, eating enough poison to kill ten men.

And it didn’t do a goddamned thing.

Finally, in desperation, they shot him in the chest. Figuring that did it, they dressed one guy up in Rasputin’s hat and coat and drove him back to Rasputin’s place to make it look like Rasputin had left.

When they got back, though, Rasputin jumped up and attacked Yusupov, who fought him off. Chased by a man who should be twice dead, Yusupov fled into the courtyard. There Rasputin was shot a second time, and stopped. A third shot, and he collapsed. He was still trying to crawl, though, and they beat and kicked at him for a bit, wrapped him in a carpet and dumped him into the Nevka river.

The news of the murder got out almost immediately. When they finally fished the body out of the river and performed an autopsy, it was discovered that the cause of death had been drowning.

The poison hadn’t done it. Three bullets hadn’t done it. The beating hadn’t done it. The river finally had.

And that is why jokes about anesthetizing Rasputin by smashing him in the face are hilarious.

2

This post from a year ago has been going around about me, so I figured I would re-introduce myself!!

My name is Josh, and I am tumblr user @seem!  I am 19, and I currently live in California!  This is my face after climbing Castle Crags.  I might of had the flu…and had no idea we were going on a hike…and then it was 3 miles straight up that mountain  So this is my face of victory on top! (yall…there are approximately 0 mountains in Ohio)

Some things you should know about me:  I grew up in Ohio with 5 siblings.  I was the 5th of 6.  We were all homeschooled because my family was running an organization in Kenya and we were going back and forth.  My sister started an orphanage there that houses 40 kids and runs a school for the deaf that houses 100!  I lived there with her for 4 months when I was 16 and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life!  I am also a speed reader.  When I’m motivated I can read 7-8 full length books a week.  I’m obsessed with chipotle.  I don’t own any pants.  One time I got stung by a jellyfish and was rushed to the hospital.  When I was 10 I thought I was pregnant.  I’ve seen 30 lions have sex and almost got killed by elephants.  I have this emotional connection with tassels.  I have a dog named Zeke and he is my entire world.  My goal in life is to spend at least a week in every country on earth.

So this is Josh!  And my blog is mostly about nature/travel!!  I’m looking for a bunch more people to follow because I need more nature/humor on my dashboard!!  I’ll check out every blog that follows me/reblogs this post!!  You’ll probably get a message from me about how much I love you too because y’all are amazing.  And if you want more of my tragic backstory feel free to message me! 💕💕💕

6

Trump admin. to reverse ban on elephant trophies from Africa

The Trump administration plans to allow hunters to bring trophies of elephants they killed in Zimbabwe and Zambia back to the United States, reversing a ban put in place by the Obama administration in 2014, a U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service official confirmed for ABC News today.

Elephant - Sri Lanka

The Sri Lankan elephant is one of 3 recognised sub-species of Asian Elephant. Since 1986 the Sri Lankan elephant has been listed as endangered. During the 1990′s, many elephants were killed by landmines that were left during the countries armed conflict. Today, the main cause of the decline in elephant numbers is due to an increasing human population, and the resulting expansion of infrastructure into previously un-occupied land. While the ivory trade is not a large industry in Sri Lanka, some trade still occurs. 

Sri Lanka has set up safety zones for elephants, by creating protected areas for elephants to live, and working with local communities to learn to live alongside the elephants. 

sssnakes; a mix for those cunning folk. delivering loathing looks with loaded smiles, wishing desperately to find nothing, marveling at the power that comes when you know you have absolute control. sobbing just to feel something. prioritizing yourself, because in the end, who else matters?

Did you know that an estimated 100 African elephants are killed every day by poachers? That means that hundreds of baby elephants are left without parents every month. We have partnered up with @dswt in an effort to help with elephant conservation in Kenya. @

Seriously Namibia!

So, we have hardly any elephant bulls left among the desert-adapted elephant - and yet, the Ministry of Environment and Tourism has approved the hunt of one of five bulls left?
Talk about shooting yourself in your environmental and tourism feet at the same time.
The only shooting of desert elephant should be done with cameras. Killing such a rare animal must rank as one of the most selfish things any human being can do.
Dolts.

Bound to Happen (Part 9), Lin-Manuel Miranda x Reader

Prompt: The chronicles of being Lin’s assistant to maybe something more.

Words: 1,117

Author’s Note: I really wanted to be sure I had seven fics out this week, but writing for the write-a-thon caught up with me and BTH was the only things I actually had finished. This chapter is definitely a long time coming and I hope it was worth the wait! Not the end, though!

Warnings: As always, a slow burn.

Askbox | Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter


It started off as a simple side project in addition to your other work. An hour here, a meeting there, without heavy commitment.

Time quickly decided it wasn’t on your side, however.

Hamilton: An American musical began its previews with thunderous success. Sold out shows and contract extensions were only the beginning. Suddenly tickets were going for outrageous prices and one of Lin’s greatest fears was being realized.

What if the people who needed to see this the most couldn’t afford it?

More hours were put in and more meetings were set up. This side project was suddenly at the forefront of your job as the idea started gaining traction with the higher ups.

The morning announcement came in the form of a hastily written text from Lin.

Hamilton to transfer to Broadway. Playing at the Richard Rodgers. We’re going back.

Suddenly you spent every waking moment figuring out how to make this happen and using every one of your favors to speak to whoever you could. As Lin got swept up in the show, he began to abandon the idea altogether.

Headlines all spoke of Hamilton. There was buzz about Tony awards and late night appearances and suddenly everyone knew of the brilliance you had stumbled upon all those years ago.

Lin was a genius, there was no doubt about it. What he created was the type of genius that would have a lasting impact.

The lottery was a great start - Ham4Ham shows broadcasted the type of talent they had while giving away affordable tickets. Still, you reminded yourself every night, you had to do more.

With an extended effort on this project came more meetings with Lin. He was buying the coffee now, but you still found home in the small cozy corner of his dressing room.

The same one he had used during In the Heights days.

The familiarity of it all was quite jarring to begin with. It was small steps at first, testing the limits. It was days before you hugged one another, weeks until you were back to the lighthearted jabs and inside jokes.

Soon, it was as if you hadn’t spent nearly six years apart. He was your Lin again - one that was always running precisely three minutes late and who consumed enough sugar to kill a small elephant and who texted you at three in the morning.

You had late nights and split desserts and laughed together again. The flow of what was once a perfect friendship began to fall back into place.

Then it finally happened.

An all nighter certainly wasn’t uncommon for you. A majority of your projects were both international and time sensitive, so you had learned to be flexible.

After many sips from various energy drinks and an incomplete pile of paperwork with your name on it, you were finally ready to call it a night. Just as the sun was coming up.

A single e-mail dinged in your inbox. You heavily considered ignoring it. You could deal with it in five to seven hours, right? You spared a single glance, halting at the subject line in all caps.

HAMILTON GRANT APPROVED

You rushed forward to click it open, scanning the paragraphs for any useful information. You screamed at the top of your lungs as you put the dots together, hastily printing the several page e-mail as you threw on the first jacket you could find.

The contents of your bag poured out onto the street in your flustered haste. Unashamed, you moved onto your hands and knees to collect what was in reach as you waved for a cab.

You practically yelled the address at the poor cabbie. The driver flinches at the volume you were able to produce at such an early hour.

You threw a wad of bills as you approached the familiar house, slipping out of the car before it even came to a full stop. Parting with a simple ‘I’m sorry’, you rushed towards the front steps.

Taking the stairs two at a time, you carefully tucked the stack of papers under your arm for security. Using both hands, you tapped your knuckles against the hard word of Lin’s door.

“Open up! Open up! Open up!” You chanted, eliciting a few nasty looks from grumpy New Yorkers who passed by in the street. You continued to knock louder.

You heard a rustling behind the door, followed by a loud curse.

It was swung open for you to be greeted with a groggy Lin clad only in a t-shirt and boxers. His dishevelled appearance didn’t halt your excitement, however. Your energetic appearance, though, was able to exhaust him further.

You stormed right past him.

“Come on in.” He sarcastically grumbled, closing and locking the door behind you. You turned to him with the brightest grin he had ever seen in his life, “What’s all the excitement for?”

“Thousands of publicly educated teenagers are going to learn about and see your show thanks to a very generous contribution from the Rockefeller Foundation.” You triumphantly handed him the papers, the sleep disappearing from his eyes immediately.

“Dear Lord.” He mumbled, snatching the papers and reading the first few sentences.

“This will extend to any city Hamilton tours in.” You added for good measure.

After a second of absorbing the information he looked up, bright eyed with a toothy grin.

“You did it-” He mused.

Before either one of you knew it, you were reaching for each other. The papers flew to the floor as his hands found home on your cheeks, pulling you in for a quick, simple kiss.

You each stepped back at the contact, lips tingling.

You shared a steady look, a mutual desperation for another kiss evident in the air.

You reached for each other again. Bodies slinked firmly and perfectly together as his teeth scraped against your lips. His hands were quickly pushing your coat from your shoulders as yours tugged at the hem of his thin shirt.

He pushed forward, blindly backing you down the entryway of his house to where you knew his bedroom resided.

His grip was tight and confident, a comfortability apparent as if this wasn’t the first time.

The back of your knees collided with the edge of the mattress as you fell back into his bed, the firm grip you had on his hair ensuring that he fell with you.

He pressed you further into the mattress as his lips abandoned you only to find solace in the clear expanse of your neck.

Shoes clattered to the floor as Lin made quick work of anything else he could shed, fifteen plus years of longing dissipating with each article he tossed to the side.

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Uhm, uhm, uhm.. so like I have 200 followers all a sudden and I’ve barely been here for a month and I honestly don’t usually do follower forever’s because I don’t ever have the patience to sit down and write all this along with twenty billion names, but I thought I should honestly express how great I’ve felt since I joined this community. MY DOOD’S I’M NOT WORTHY OF SUCH LOVE I AM BUT A SIMPLE PLANT THAT SPROUTED LESS THAN A MONTH AGO AND HAS BEEN SHOWERED WITH WATER, SUNLIGHT, AND TLC EVERY DAY SINCE I BREACHED THE GROUND BELOW. So putting it simply, this is probably one of the nicest, silliest, communities I’ve ever been a part of and I quite frankly love everything about it and I’ve been having the time of my life with it. Y’all are so damn welcoming, I was honestly incredibly shocked at first. I couldn’t believe it. Seriously! BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES, THIS COMMUNITY IS FANTASTIC. Anyways, I hope you guys have been enjoying my company as much as I’ve been enjoying all of yours!

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So a while ago I started a second playthrough on Fallout 4, and rolled with Hancock as my companion… 

At some point, he looted a minigun, said the above quote then proceeded to mow down a flock of super mutants and I LOST IT because all I could picture was this small, scrawny ghoul hopped up on enough chems to kill an elephant just so he can carry that thing.

I had to scribble it out quickly because it was too funny not to!

My Playlist for the Signs: Scorpio
  • 1: Ain't No Rest For the Wicked // Cage the Elephant
  • 2: Black Sheep // Gin Wigmore
  • 3: Cola // Lana Del Rey
  • 4: From Eden // Hozier
  • 5: I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor // Arctic Monkeys
  • 6: I'm Shakin' // Jack White
  • 7: Kill Your Heroes // AWOLNATION
  • 8: Suck My Kiss // Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • 9: Weekend // PRIORY
  • 10: Your Touch // The Black Keys

Today’s Bird Fact!

Ruppell’s Griffon Vulture is listed as critically endangered. One of their biggest threats is poisoning. Humans will set up poisoned carcasses to get predators, like lions or hyenas, but instead kill large numbers of vultures.

In one instance 600 hundred vultures were killed from a poisoned elephant carcass because the poachers did not want vultures to give away their location to authorities.

“Vultures are long-lived birds that reproduce very slowly, producing an average of one chick every other year.  Their current mortality rates are well above what is sustainable and populations of all species are crashing across the continent.”

They have backward-pointing spikes on the tongue to help remove meat from bone.

“They have a specialized variant of the hemoglobin alpha subunit; this protein has a great affinity for oxygen, which allows the species to absorb oxygen efficiently despite the low partial pressure in the upper troposphere.”