killer-hair

Chopped

TED: Four chefs, one chance at a ten thousand dollar prize.  They must create an unforgettable meal using the mystery ingredients provided, or they will be chopped.  Let’s meet our contestants.  First, Chef Angela.

ANGELA: I’m Angela, I’m sous chef at Le Snobbe in Omaha Nebraska.  My specialty is Scottish with an Asian twist.  I need to win this so my parents will take me seriously.

TED: Next we have Chef Madagascar.

MADAGASCAR: I run the Shaggoth Catering Company.  My family came over from Kazantzan to build a better life here, but my brothers all died of the plague the second our house foreclosed.  I need the ten thousand dollars to buy my mother a new kidney.

TED: Chef Bill.

BILL: I’m extremely loud and have a broad range of interests that will do nothing to help me in this competition.  Watch me as I punch the camera with my tattooed knuckles that read FOOD.

TED: And finally, Chef Gooseberry.

GOOSEBERRY: I’m Gooseberry, I live in Los Angeles, and I love vegan food to the point where I won’t eat anything that ingests oxygen.  I see so many people eating meat and it *starts crying* just makes me so sad, I have to win this to show them that there’s a better way.

Ted: Chefs, before you there is a basket of ingredients.  You must use all of them, and your dishes will be critiqued by our panel of distinguished chefs on taste, presentation, and creativity.  If you can’t, you will be chopped.  Please open your baskets.  You must construct an appetizer using shank of unicorn, human hair, ground glass, and puffed cheese snacks. You have twenty minutes.

ANGELA: I see the puffed cheese snacks and I immediately think, haggis.  I run to the pantry and grab chickpeas and Sriracha, to give it a little kick.

GOOSEBERRY: Unicorn!  Whyyyyyy is there meeeeeeat!  (cries) Oh well, I’ll just have to suck it up and make it vegan as possible by pan-searing it and dousing it in chicken broth.

MADAGASCAR: I’m so stoked to see ground glass in the basket.  My mom used to cook with this all the time.  It has sort of a crunchy texture, so I’m gonna make pancakes.

(Shot of Bill looking alarmed and confused)

BILL: Guys…none of these are…food…uhh…

BILL: I just have this wad of human hair in my basket and I’m thinking, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?  But I know unicorn has to be soaked to get the glitter off, otherwise it’ll be way too salty and start sprouting little flowers, so I get that soaking and hope the rest will come to me.

JUDGE ALEX: What a great basket!  But I think it will be a real challenge for our chefs.

JUDGE SCOTT: There’s a lot you can do with puffed cheese snacks, but you’d have to be careful their saltiness doesn’t build on the natural saltiness of the unicorn shanks.  I’m so curious to see what they plan to do with the human hair, which in this basket is a mix of Asian, African, and Caucasian strands.

ANGELA: Some of these hairs are Asian, so I use them to tie the ends of my haggis.  I love showing off my specialty.

MADAGASCAR: Not many people would think to cook and eat a unicorn, but in Kazantzan, you take whatever comes your way.  I take the glitter and I put it into a puree for a sauce with vinegar, making sure to chant the ancient evil incantation over it that will keep it from sprouting.  But I’m running out of time, so I may have slurred some of the words together.

(Madagascar starts bleeding from the nose)

JUDGE ALEX: Ohhh, it looks like he’s reversed the S and the Q in “sesustngsnqsutintan.”  That’s the kind of mistake that could cost him some time.  You have to admire his ambition though.

BILL: I get the unicorn into the grill, but I haven’t even touched my hairball yet.  I remember thinking of a prank my big brother played on me once, so I throw the ground glass into the blender with some ice, vodka, and limoncello.

TED: And there is one minute left remaining!

ANGELA: I haven’t even started plating yet, my haggis isn’t done swelling, but I’m thinking, just get it on the plate.

GOOSEBERRY: I have one minute.  I’m gonna make a fresh green salad to represent my vegan lifestyle, and start making a vinaigrette.

TED: FIVE…FOUR…THREE…TWO…ONE…time’s up, please step back.

MADAGASCAR: I look down at my dish, and I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done.  Then I see that there’s nose blood on the plate.  I need that ten thousand dollars.

BILL: I quickly added the hairball as a garnish.

It’s not gross, it’s gormet

GOOSEBERRY: ohhhh nooo I forgot the unicorn shanks, the glass, the hairball, and the Cheetos (TV EDIT, TOTALLY DIFFERENT VOICE) puffed cheese snacks.  All I have is this red onion salad and white truffle dressing.

ANGELA: If I’d just had five more minutes, this would have been a killer cheese and hair haggis.  *shrugs*

TED: Alright chefs, let’s see what you made. Chef Bill.

BILL: I’ve made for you today a cheese-snack encrusted grilled unicorn shank, with a lemon glass slushie.

JUDGE ALEX (sternly): I love this.  You really handled the glitter beautifully, and the limoncello adds a lot of much-needed acidity to the salty flavors.

JUDGE SCOTT: I don’t like it.  There’s hair on my plate and I hate you.

BILL: It…it was one of the ingredients…

TED: Chef Angela.

ANGELA: Before you today we have a cheese snack and ground unicorn haggis, tied with Asian hairs and garnished with a tarragon and glass crumble.

JUDGE ALEX (sternly): The combination is brilliant, the flavors really play off each other well.  But mine is a little cold in the center, and you can see…I have sprouts.

ANGELA: It’s supposed to do that.  I meant to do that.

TED: Chef Madagascar.

MADAGASCAR: Today I’ve made you a unicorn pancake with a glass crust, and a glitter dipping sauce.

JUDGE SCOTT: I’m not getting any of the human hair.

TED: Tell us why you need to win today.

MADAGASCAR: I need to get my mother a new kidney, as we had to sell her good one to pay for my father’s ransom.  He’s okay now, but times have been hard with just one kidney to share between them.

JUDGE ALEX: There’s blood on my plate.  I can’t eat this.

TED: Chef Gooseberry.

GOOSEBERRY: I’ve made a vegan-friendly dish, with the unicorn, cheese snacks, and the hair omitted.  The glass did not make it onto the plate.

JUDGE SCOTT: This is just red onions and white truffle oil.

GOOSEBERRY: That is correct.

(TV EDIT, SCENE RECONVENES TEN MINUTES LATER)

GOOSEBERRY (with a black eye, sniffling): Thank you chef.

TED: Now whose dish has been put on the chopping block?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC AS WE LOOK AT EVERYONE’S SAD FACE)

TED (revealing Gooseberry’s dish): Chef Gooseberry, you’ve been chopped.

GOOSEBERRY: I was pretty disappointed to get chopped, but I stand by my work, and I’m proud nobody had to eat meat made by my hand. (leaves down the hallway)

TED: Next up, the entree round. WHO (flash to Madagascar) WILL (flash to Angela) BE (flash to Bill) CHOPPED???!!??

The Marauders in a horror film
  • *phone rings*
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Sirius:
  • Killer:
  • Sirius: How does my hair look?
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Remus:
  • Killer:
  • Remus: So can I. Everyday. In the mirror. I don't see the point of this conversation.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Peter:
  • Killer:
  • Peter: Welcome. The person you tried to reach is currently on their way to South Carolina. Please try again later.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • James:
  • Killer:
  • James: *wiggles eyebrows and looks out of the window* Then how come I've never seen you, mon cherie?
  • *phone rings*
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Horace:
  • Killer:
  • Horace: How does my hair look?
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Enoch:
  • Killer:
  • Enoch: So can I. Everyday. In the mirror. I don't see the point of this conversation.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Jacob:
  • Killer:
  • Jacob: Welcome. The person you tried to reach is currently on their way to South Carolina. Please try again later.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Hugh:
  • Killer:
  • Hugh: *wiggles eyebrows and looks out of the window* Then how come I've never seen you, mon cherie?
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Millard:
  • Killer:
  • Millard: Well... that is interesting.
  • *phone rings*
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Poland:
  • Killer:
  • Poland: How does my hair look?
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • England:
  • Killer:
  • England: So can I. Everyday. In the mirror. I don't see the point of this conversation.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • America:
  • Killer:
  • America: Welcome. The person you tried to reach is currently on their way to South Carolina. Please try again later.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • France:
  • Killer:
  • France: *wiggles eyebrows and looks out of the window* Then how come I've never seen you, mon cherie?
  • *
  • Killer: I can- Wait, I can't see you
  • Canada: Typical.
  • *phone rings*
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Sehun:
  • Killer:
  • Sehun: How does my hair look?
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Yixing:
  • Killer:
  • Yixing: So can I. Every day. In the mirror. I don't see the point of this conversation.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Jongin:
  • Killer:
  • Jongin: Welcome. The person you tried to reach is currently on their way to Suncheon. Please try again later.
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Baekhyun:
  • Killer:
  • Baekhyun: *wiggles eyebrows and looks out of the window* Then how come I've never seen you, mon cherie?
  • *
  • Killer: I can see you
  • Minseok:
  • Killer:
  • Minseok: Well... that is interesting
your fave is NOT problematic: Dallon Weekes
  • Talented af + underappreciated af
  • Have you seen his face? You should. Everyday.
  • He is so awkward I love him ahh
  • literal skyscraper
  • His entire family is so adorable ❤
  • I could spend the rest of my life watching his vines and I’d never get bored
  • He sings!!!!! So well!!!!! I die when he hits the high notes!!
  • He can draw like a pro??? ??
  • killer sarcasm
  • His hair? Is perfect also his legs jfc
  • Also his writing is amazing alright? Violent things has songs better than a lot of panic songs, fight me
  • idk if he will smash me with his bass but I sincerely hope so
Control

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Mark

Rating: PG-13 

Word Count: 4,448

Summary: On a night out with your friends, you accidentally text the wrong number for advice. The guy on the other end of the phone is abrupt, harsh and kind of an ass - but he also happens to be right. Which explains why you keep texting him. Right?

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Stranger Valentine

Originally posted by yoongishappiness

When a terrible Valentines day date takes an unexpected turn; with Min Yoongi


You could kick yourself. You should have seen this coming the moment your friend said she knew the perfect guy for you. Especially considering who the friend was. She hadn’t exactly had the best taste in men. They tended to be morons or complete creeps. But you were tired of being alone on Valentines day. That was enough to let the small sliver of desperation that lived within you take over. So here you were with Minsoo at a semi nice restaurant. And you were miserable.

The date started off as you’d expect. You had decided to meet at the restaurant. He was a handsome man. Tall, with sleeked back midnight black hair. Killer smile enough to make most swoon. Well dressed to. Based on looks, your friend had done well. So there was a glimmer of hope that this would be a spectacular night. That glimmer would fade before you had the chance to receive your drinks.

Just as handsome as your date was, he was equally conceited. He told you all about his activities. About how he could afford all the best things. How lucky you were that you had been able to go on a date with him. So on and so forth. You began contemplating possibly going to the bathroom and sneaking out the window. But that wouldn’t work. The friend that had set you up would not let you hear the end of it. While this date was bad, it wasn’t bad enough to hear your friend whine about all the “work” she had done to set you up. So you were trapped with this douche for the evening. Hopefully he eats fast.

Five minutes later the temptation to sneak out the bathroom window grew. This guy was starting to become worse as the time passed by. You could barely get a word in. And when you did, you tried to desperately change the subject. Sadly he always brought it back to him. This was beginning to become incredibly baffling to you. How can someone talk so much about themselves before the appetizers had even arrived?

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anonymous asked:

hi! Can u give me some cdrama recommendations? Preferably historical and/or fantasy lol thanks

I love you, Anon! 

All of these should be easily found with English subs, but if you are having trouble, message me. As you will see, I am fond of a decent amount of romance, and am a fangirl for some actors more than others. Plus, they are all (IMO) good entry points. I put in a MV for each. 

Bu Bu Jing Xin/Startling By Each Step

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBCPzULxJTA

To watch if you like beautiful visuals, time travel, heroines that grow, tragedies, romance.

Not to watch if you don’t like Qing hairstyles, slow pace, heroine loving more than one man in the course of the drama. 

Eternal Love/Three Lives Three Worlds Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44vuM8qiiEE

To watch if you like beautiful visuals, a lot of sort-of reincarnation, all-consuming romance, high fantasy and mythology.

Not to watch if you don’t like really slow starts, a lot of CGI, heroines that can be immature. 

General and I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcUdlSLyvS4

To watch if you like beautiful visuals (notice a theme?), a romance novel in period cdrama form, very competent leads in an enemies to lovers storyline, angst.

Not to watch if you don’t like long dramas, lengthy OTP separations, unrealistic medical conditions (welcome to wuxia! :P)

Gong/Palace/Jade Palace Lock Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVFPVkHaweo

To watch if you like beautiful visuals (notice a theme?), time travel, comedy, romance with a hero obsessed with heroine, seeing Boys Over Flowers in period form.

Not to watch if you hate Qing hairstyles, some goofiness, heroine spending early chunk of drama in love with someone else, a little bit of cartoonishness.

Ice Fantasy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgQkBS36bAY

To watch if you like beautiful visuals (arguably most beautiful drama I’ve seen, design-wise), high fantasy, heroic quests, brotherly love, something that looks like a Tolkien AU, BAMF heroines, multiple romances, fairy tales.

Not to watch if you don’t like - major wigs and costumes, a certain simplicity that comes from fairy tale frame up, plot holes.  

Lan Ling Wang/Prince of Lan Ling

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkAH8ALGZAI

To watch if you like romance novels in period form, killer dudes with long hair who are putty in hands of tiny heroines, married couples in love, evil harem intrigue, defying fate, masks and rose petals.

Not to watch if you don’t like stories that lack political complexity and look like shoujo manga come to life. 

Legend of Condor Heroes 2008 version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2fea109_qM

To watch if you like wuxia, cool OTPs, smart heroines, a tragic antihero, fights fights fights.

Not to watch if you don’t like magic, crazy medicine, secondary characters in some insane make up.

Novoland 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTGWFr2Fg84

To watch if you like something shorter than your usual cdrama, fantasy, romance, people with wings.

Not to watch if you don’t like a strong case of what looks like BDSM fixation on part of the writer, a bit of childishness, and an ending that is polarizing (fair warning - I am in the tiny minority who was OK with it.)

The Glamorous Imperial Concubine/Qing Shi Huang Fei

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXznlp7UhDg

To watch if you like female centric stories, messed up love stories, evil families, secondary guys who are unhealthy intense but magnetic, a lot of hurt/comfort, arc where heroine goes from disney princess to cynical BAMF.

Not to watch if you don’t like family intrigue, messed up male leads, crazy secondaries.

Return of  Condor Heroes 2006 version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZywct2fBmI

To watch if you like wuxia, truly jaw-dropping visuals, beautiful deadly people madly in forbidden love (sometimes the whole drama feels like a cinematic swoon), battles. My first cdrama that got me hooked. 

Not to watch if you don’t want to skip the first two-three eps (which are awful), are not OK with certain fairy tale logic.

Strange Hero Yi Zi Mei/Vigilantes in Masks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5il6Pg-INk

To watch if you like Robin Hood stories, fights, heroes who climb out of pit of self-loathing slowly, self-contained arcs.

Not to watch if you don’t like love stories that are secondary, mysteries.

The Four

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XULb014bc-k

To watch if you want a popcorn procedural about Ming constables who solve crimes and fall in love, some pretty fights, werewolves, awesome girl melting angsty cold jerk lead, multiple love stories.

Not to watch if you want some spectacular acting or deep plot.

The Myth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZQ1f3j6K6A

To watch if you are like me and this is your number 1 drama ever. OK, seriously, if you like time travel, moral dilemmas, best hero ever, battles, tragedy, amazing character arcs. SERIOUSLY THE WAY EVERYONE ELSE FEELS ABOUT NIRVANA IN FIRE, I FEEL ABOUT THE MYTH. 

Not to watch if you don’t want to be an ugly sobbing wreck. OK, and also if you want romance be number 1 (it’s in there and awesome but secondary) and also I skipped the modern storyline so no idea if it’s good but the period part of the drama is THE BEST THING EVER EVER EVER EVER.

The Young Warriors/Young Warriors of the Yang Clan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeRSXu1QE5c

To watch if you like battles, a super cool family of fighters with their own personalities and issues, many love stories.

Not to watch if you don’t like ugly hats, a little bit older dramas, and disgustingly thorough heart crushing.

Three Kingdoms (2010 version)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3RVpdYDpYA

To watch if you want a crazy smart political drama with complex characters, many battles, and political manipulation.

Not to watch if you don’t want a 90+ ep drama that spans a hundred years, has very few women and only one love story of note. 

Pls note I did not list any drama set in the 20th century as not sure if it qualified as historical under your standards.