sometimes my intrusive thoughts are like “what if you just drove your car into that car right there and killed your self” and other times it’s like “the YMCA song but it’s just the first line over and over”
You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
if you do not listen to the sounds of life,
if you do not appreciate yourself.
You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.
You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths…
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don’t know.
You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.
You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice…
To the clique that argued with me in the saltiest of ways, I
dedicate to you my first ever anti nh post.
I hope you think twice about telling people to kill themselves over your
self insert and stop being a pimple on society’s ass.
I hope you'll go and kill your self you worthless bitch. Your not talented and not worth anything to the world so go the fuck away
Whoa that’s a v exciting message! Whatever hatred or hurt made you want to type something so pointlessly unkind, I hope you can get it out of you. It’s not a good way to be, my dude, and it’s gonna eat you up someday. I’m confident you can be better than that. ♥
A/N: Hey guys! I’m still shook about last nights episode and i don’t think I will ever recover 😂 here is a very depressing but touching imagine. I might have cried writing this so I hope you guys don’t.
Warnings: death, depression, low self esteem
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader
Prompt: the reader and Spencer are best friends at the BAU and the reader is in love with spencer and everyone can see it except him so when maeve gets taken the reader manages to save her but ends up getting killed
Upcoming Imagine: reader struggles with body image issues…
For two years you have been working at the BAU.
1 year 27 weeks.
That’s how long you have been in love with Spencer Reid.
The whole team knew once you told Penelope but even though Spencer is a genius, he sure is oblivious to love.
He has been your best friend but never showed any interest in being more than friends, which you respected, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
It hurt when you saw Spencer sitting by himself, reminding you that you couldn’t be his.
He’s so independent.
He’s independent until you make him depend on you.
When he bottles up emotions, you find a way to make him talk to you, opening him up to release anything that was on his mind.
He claims you were the only one who could do that.
And one night, he told you something that shattered your heart.
“Her name is Maeve and… I really like her…” you basically spaced off after that.
Are you not good enough?
Is that what it was?
You felt a tear fall down your cheek.
Good thing Spencer was looking at his lap, where he was sitting crisscross on the couch in front of you.
You quickly wiped the tear, but Spencer noticed.
“Y/N are you okay?” He asked a hint of concern in his voice.
“Yeah I'm… I’m really happy for you.” You said quietly.
By now, he knew something was up.
Thoughts fled his mind as he tried to profile your emotions.
“Is there something you want to tell me? Your holding back something. I will listen I promise.” He said reaching for your hand but you pulled back, knowing his touch is just going to make you nauseous.
“I'm… I’m okay. I promise. I’m just… I’m really happy for you. Im glad you… you found someone.” You said, the last part quiet and filled with disappointment.
He didn’t believe you.
He assumed you needed time alone so he patted your shoulder and left your apartment.
You did need the alone time.
Well time away from him.
You need to try to get over him, find a distraction before this gets out of hand.
Over the past month Spencer has told you all about Maeve and how important she was to him, stabbing you repeatedly in the heart as he rambled about her.
“She’s already the most beautiful girl in the world to me. I don’t care what she looks like.” He said staring at the ceiling.
You broke down, you couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Sorry I need to leave.” You said, your voice breaking as you sped away.
About a month after that, Maeve had gone missing and Spencer was torn.
It hurt you to see him like this, distant, scared and lost of hope.
He came to your door multiple times with red eyes and a runny nose.
You took care of him of course, but you were half tempted to hand him over to JJ so the pain would stop.
He could crumple in your arms as you stroked his soft hair, telling him it’s going to be okay.
He had even slept over a few times but the last time you couldn’t help it anymore.
When Spencer was sleeping, you kissed his forehead.
“Spencer Reid… I don’t know how I could fall in love with you so fast but… I guess it was just your personality and hearing your soft voice as you rambled about random stuff. But I love you. Not just as a friend but like… I would have liked to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to wake you up in the morning with coffee and shower you in kisses because you deserve the world. But, I know there’s someone else… to do that. I-I hope she treats you well because you deserve it. You deserve it and so much more.” You felt tears spill over your cheeks as you kissed his forehead once more before walking to the kitchen.
The next day, Spencer had put his life on the line.
You weren’t exactly sure what happened, but you know he risked his life.
Now you were on the way to the warehouse where Maeve was being held captive by Diane Turner.
You and the team walked in, guns out of holsters and out in front of you.
“You would kill your self for her?!” Diana yelled as Spencer stood in front of her with his hands in the air.
“Yes.” He said sincerely.
“Wait! Diane right? You had the thesis about suicide killing brain cells right?” You asked putting your gun back in its holster.
“Why do you care?” She snapped holding the gun tighter to Maeve’s head.
“It’s wrong. I read it. I’m actually the one who convinced Ms. Donovan to reject it. She knew it was wrong but I knew how a biased thesis like that would have never passed. Let me take her place. Killing Maeve won’t do you any good. But if you really want to kill someone… kill me.”
“Y/N what are you…”
“Let’s see how your thesis was wrong. I’m putting my life on the line. I’m willing to die. You have no proof that your thesis works. Let me be your test dummy. Do it shoot me.” You said throwing your gun to the side and taking off your FBI vest.
Multiple people were yelling.
“Put down the gun!”
“Y/N what the hell are you doing?”
“Stop taking off your vest.”
“Let her go.” You said keeping eye contact with her.
Diane slowly let go of Maeve and while she was doing so you charged at her, attempting to tackle her and take away your gun but you were interrupted by a loud boom.
You were shot in the pelvis, making you fall to the floor.
You could have swore that would have worked.
Your head hit the ground as you saw JJ run over to Maeve and Derek cuff Diane.
“Y/N Y/N hey look at me.” You heard Spencer say as your body was slightly lifted.
He pressed down on your wound, but nothing hurt.
“Hey your going to be okay.” He said brushing hair out of your face.
“No. No Spencer I’m not.” You said as you choked back tears.
“Don’t-don’t say that you will okay.” He said as tears filled his eyes.
“Spencer… I love you. I’ve loved you for-for a long time okay? Please take care of yourself. Please be careful. I love you so much I’m sorry I couldn’t do better.” You said choking on hot liquid that turned out to be blood.
You saw confusion and compassion in his eyes.
“No you-your going to live. Your going to live.” He repeated but you could already feel your body start to numb.
He was lost for words.
He wanted to say more but he was shocked and everything was coming together.
At that point he knew what was wrong with you that one night.
He now pieced together the little signs he never noticed until now.
How your pupils dilated when you looked at him.
How you got a little shy whenever he would touch you.
The redness in your cheeks when he would smile at you.
“I’m-I’m so sorry.” He said as tears fell down his face.
“You don’t have to-to be. Just know that I love you p-please.” You said with a faint smile.
His blood-covered hand shook as he hugged you tighter.
He started to cry.
Not just shed tears; he started to sob uncontrollably as he felt the last rise and fall of your chest.
“No no please. Someone help me please!” He yelled holding your faint body in his arms.
The medics finally got there and had you on life support, but it was your time.
You risked your life for Spencer’s happiness and if you could you would do it again.
All you wish of now, up in heaven, is that he keeps going.
That he lives a happy life and gets the care he deserves.