kill the phonies

crime aus though
  • A) i’m the ex-acrobat professional heist man/woman/person who’s trying to get this really valuable jewel from the museum that you, the cute night guard, work at. you are making my job very difficult because i feel a little guilty about the fact that when i inevitably succeed, you’ll definitely get fired AU
  • B) i’m the new night guard and i’m on really thin ice, if i catch this thief then i’ll definitely get promoted, but HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE MAD AT THIS DAMN BURGLAR WHEN THEY KEEP LOOKING AT ME WITH THAT PRETTY FACE AU
  • i kissed you to distract you from the fact that i was stealing your wallet, but oh no you’re a reeeeally good kisser AU
  • you’re the one who stays in the van and gives me directions about where the guards and cameras are, but would you PLEASE focus, it’s very hard to steal this thing when you keep telling me how good i look in this suit/dress/outfit AU
  • i was sent to assassinate you so i’ve been tailing you all day, but you saw and asked me out for a coffee and your eyes are actually really nice and oh no do i really have to kill you?? AU
  • i’m the phony fortune teller who scams dumb people by telling them what they want to hear, but for some reason i really feel bad about lying to you, so uuuuuh your love life looks really good, do you wanna go get some lunch or something? my treat AU
  • i’m guarding the holding cell at the police station tonight, and no, no amount of flirting will make me let you out, but nice try AU
  • i’m on a blind date with you and…..i recognize that voice from somewhere…..oh mY GOD YOU’RE THE ONE WHO ROBBED MY SHOP LAST WEEK AU