Do you ever think about how crazy it is that we’re only 18?“
Shawn was running his callused finger tip up and down my arm as we laid in bed, wearing only our underwear and laying above the sheets in the blue darkness. I was laying just under his arm, avoiding contact with him because of the heat but wanting to stay as close as I could. His finger on my arm was the only place our skin met. I looked up to him with his words, then back to the ceiling fan whirring in nearly invisible circles.
"What do you mean?” I asked, wanting to hear his thoughts. Shawn paused.
“I don’t know. Besides you, I’m surrounded by people older than me, you know? I just feel like a baby sometimes.” He said softly. I spent a minute to take in what he was saying.
“I know what you mean. We’re only 18, out of- what, probably 85 years? That’s barely any time at all. There’s so much left.” I replied.
“But at the same time, around Aaliyah, I feel so old, you know? Thinking back to when I was her age feels like forever ago. I used to think 18 year olds had everything figured out, their whole lives. They were grown-ups to me.” Shawn said, “And now I’m 18, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve got a steady career, but it’s a crazy career, you know? It’s unreliable. Pop singers don’t stay successful forever. They fade and then pop up again in twenty years on Oprah’s ‘Where are They Now’… I don’t even know if I want all of this forever anyway. I mean- I love it and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, and I’ll definitely be playing music all my life, but… I don’t know.”
“I understand, Shawn. I know what you mean.” I replied. Shawn shifted and turned on his side to face me.
“You do? You don’t think I’m being ungrateful?” He asked. I smiled and turned to face him, too.
“You’re not ungrateful, Shawn. You’re human, and you worry about things from time to time.” I said honestly. Shawn chewed his lip.
“I don’t like having such an uncertain future. Popular music could shift like the wind, and maybe everyone will just dump me, you know? I’ll be out of work.” He said. I ran my thumb across his bottom lip.
“Shawn, your fans adore you. And I understand where you’re coming from. Popular music used to be the Beatles or Elvis and now it’s so different. But that took 40 years to change, Shawn. And Paul McCartney is still working and people still love him, right?” Shawn nodded faintly. “I know in my heart that wherever life takes you, you will be successful. I know it.” I insisted. Shawn closed his eyes briefly.
“My parents were 26 when they got married.” He said, changing the topic. “That’s so young. But at the same time, 26 is so far away, you know? If 26 is young, then being 18 is even younger.” He said, his eyes slowly studying every inch of my face as I watched his eyes. “And I know that we’re going to get married. Undoubtedly. I know that if you let me, I will love you for the rest of my life. But we’re only 18. I feel like I have feelings for you that 18 year olds are too young to have, you know?” I closed my eyes for a moment as my chest swelled. I loved this boy.
“I do know, Shawn.” I told him sincerely. The flicker of a smile crossed his face.
“But what if I’m wrong, and we’re just kids in love?” He asked nervously searching my eyes. I smiled and kissed him.
“Shawn, if we’re just kids in love, then I don’t ever want to grow up. I’m so deeply and wholeheartedly wrapped in love for you.” I told him once we parted. Shawn smiled, keeping his eyes closed.
noticed him when he was in the middle of the song. His ex-boyfriend. The guy
this song was about. What a cruel twist of fate.
the things that I want in my life
could I ask you to leave me?
could he have asked Harry to leave him? That was the question. He had been an
idiot, only thinking about what his father would say if he found out about
their relationship. He still regretted it even though it had been several
months since he’d seen Harry last, at Heathrow when they had parted ways after
their four week holiday in Spain. Back then he had told himself time and time
again that it hadn’t meant anything to him and had just been a summer romance
without meaning but he had soon realized it hadn’t been. It had felt too real
to just be a summer romance. Draco had found himself telling Harry things not
even his closest friends knew about him even though he had just met Harry a
week prior to their holidays through their mutual friends, the ones they had
been on holiday with.
first kiss stole the breath from my lips
the last one tear us apart?
I’m a coward, Draco
thought. He had no idea, though, how Harry had known he wanted to break up with
him that day. He was pretty sure he hadn’t been that obvious but Harry had
want to break up with me,” he had stated and Draco had only nodded.
least kiss me one last time,” Harry had then asked and Draco had happily
fulfilled his wish. He really hadn’t wanted to break up with Harry but he had
simply been too scared of what might have happened if his father had found out.
breath smelled of cigarettes and alcohol
walked down the beach, counting every star
beat inside out chest
us gasping for every breath
cottage had been close to the beach and he and Harry had spent almost every
night after their friends had disappeared elsewhere walking on the beach, often
running into the tame waves until their clothes were soaked. One time they had
even grabbed a bottle of wine from their cottage and had shared it sitting on
the beach while Harry had leisurely smoked one of his menthol cigarettes.
In the past
month or so Draco had often found himself looking for scented candles and
incense smelling like peppermint but none had even come close to the scent that
had always surrounded Harry. Just a week ago he had found Harry’s favourite
brand of cigarettes and bought a pack, always burning one when missing him had
become too painful. He carried the pack around even now, in his left back
pocket, just like Harry had.
the last note of the song and was already close to tears but he had to perform
one more song tonight. He would be crying at the end of it but at least he
could leave then. Leave Harry who he had missed but who probably hadn’t
expected him to perform in this bar. Considering how he had acted after their
breakup he probably didn’t ever want to see Draco again.
minutes later he had finally left the stage and disappeared into the room
behind the bar. He called it backstage affectionately but it only was a small
room with a fridge and couch. He took out his phone as a make-shift mirror and
dabbed on his eyes with a handkerchief until it wasn’t as obvious that he had
cried. He wasn’t ashamed that he had cried, Terrible Things, the last song he
had performed, held a lot of sad memories for him, but that didn’t mean he
wanted anyone outside the bar see his red rimmed eyes.
already left the bar when he heard his name, when he heard Harry’s voice. He
turned around and saw him standing in the doorway of the bar.
talk to you for a minute?”
Draco brought out. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and followed
Harry to a nearby park.
sat down on a bench and invited Draco to join him. When Draco sat down on the
other end of the bench, Harry simply scooted over so close that their arms were
told me why you broke up with me,” Harry stated.
eyes widened. That was not what he had expected Harry to say.
was drunk so it wasn’t completely his fault,” Harry continued. Draco had
to smile. That was such a Harry thing to say. For some reason he seemed to want
to take the blame.
knowing why you broke up with me I simply wanted to know whether you still want
to be with me.”
wanted to say yes, yes, a thousand times yes but his mouth wasn’t
did you find me?” he asked instead.
asked Pansy. She wasn’t drunk.” Harry smiled and Draco fell in love with
him all over again.
of course I still want to be with you,” Draco finally brought out then.
“God, I missed you terribly.”
his arms around him with a big smile. “Thank you. I missed you too.”
you come with me when I come out to my father?” Draco asked then. He
didn’t know how exactly he thought of the question but once he had asked, he
knew he had to know. Harry made him feel more confident and he wasn’t sure he
could tell his father without him there.
was the one to be surprised. “You want me there?” he asked.
don’t think I could do it without you…” Draco admitted.
course I’ll come. Do you want me to come as your friend or as your