kendraleora

The moon knows I would give anything to
have you here with us again. You were,
and still are every. thing. It’s been quite
the journey trying to figure out how to
live life without you in our arms.
But, you are every single thought that
comes into my mind. I think about you
always. I wonder who you would be, and
how you would live your life. But if there
is anything I am more sure of.. it is this;
you would have made us the proudest
parents. With all the love, and strength
you showed us on the day you were born,
how could you not! Your Father and I
are truly the luckiest of souls.
Just 4 days now, and 5 months without
you will have arrived. But, that’s okay..
because I know my sweet little girl is
always ALWAYS here with her Mama and
Papa! We love you more than anything,
sweetheart. And I can’t even begin to
tell you how much I miss you, and how
happy I am to be your Mommy.

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I want you to understand how much
I love you, dear.

I wake up to your face every single morning and let me just start off by saying that THAT is one of the most beautiful presences to grace me. You spend all night playing with my hair and rubbing my back just to put me to sleep..how cute are you?! I love when I go to take a bath, you come and sit on the floor just to keep me company. How are you even mine? You make me something to eat as soon as I come home from work and always make sure I have enough ice in my cup for my tea. You’re constantly making me smile like no other, and constantly making me laugh till I’m out of breath. You share your ranch with me..even though I won’t share mine. You hold my hand so tightly, even when it starts to get sweaty. You kiss my forehead..and every time tell me you love me. You sing with me until we’re completely over our voices..then blab about how awful we sound…you my dear, have the most lovely little voice. I love when you sit with me on the porch..then bring your guitar so I can watch you play, because I absolutely adore watching you. The little things you do, every single one of ‘em takes my breath away. You cuddle me. And when you do, I feel so unbelievable. I’m crazy about you, boy. I’m over the moon for you. I’m in love with you. You..I love you. I just do. You’re amazing. And you amaze me. I love you so. You’re mine. Forever.

I am trying to figure out how to be okay. And what that means for me. For my marriage. My family. I just don’t know anymore. My Instagram was making me depressed so I deleted it. Over 2300 memories gone. Luckily I have them all on my other phone. Especially all of the ones when I was pregnant with my daughter.
I am usually such a happy person. Literally “can get through anything!” type of person. Never letting anything, even the smallest thing get me down. But this.. I just fucking can’t. I told my husband last month that I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. And I have never been one to think about suicide. But it almost feels easier that way. Never having to feel this pain anymore. You know? But, that’s not me. That’s not who I am. And that is more than definitely not an option for me. I just want my daughter back. She is supposed to be here with me. I am lost. And I don’t know how to go on anymore.