Types of Lies by Andrew James Weatherhead
I’m an extraordinarily slow reader.
I’ve never had stitches or broken a bone.
I don’t like cats but I also haven’t spent much time around any.
The car I’ve driven the most is a minivan.
I’ve said no to drugs on many occasions.
During my first poetry workshop the teacher said to me: “I don’t think you’re supposed to be talking now.”
One word that terrifies me is “fuselage.”
I don’t know if I’ve been to the Grand Canyon or not.
It took me four and a half years to graduate college.
As a kid I tried to set the record for longest time spent in pajamas but the stopwatch ran out after six hours.
In middle school I tried to impress a girl by saying “I’m bleeding.”
I once delivered a pizza to Scott Turow, the novelist.
I watched The Crow the other night but I don’t know why.
It’s raining as I’m writing this.
My interest in sex is almost purely aesthetic.
I’ve never landed a kickflip but I’ve told people I have.
Since 2006, I’ve received over 10,000 emails. I’m sure others have received more.
The biggest difference between Alien and Aliens, as far as I can tell, is the number of aliens.
I’ve never been diagnosed with a sleeping disorder but I’ve often had trouble sleeping.
I find some women so beautiful it’s hard to look at them.
I like Henry Rollins but I wish he’d drop the histrionics.
When I was 7, a person pulled down my swimsuit at the beach as a joke.
I still have to close my eyes during parts of The Shining.
I’m 5’9” but my driver’s license says I’m 5’11”.
I weigh 152 lbs.
I’ve gone days without speaking to anybody.
Things I’ve stolen include a toy shark, two notebooks, and a digital camera, which I returned.
I can’t wink and I don’t like to whisper.
I like baseball but I don’t like it that much.
I woke up to 12 emails this morning. I’m sure others have woken up to more.
I used to have this nightmare in which sound waves were visible.
Sometimes I wish I could shoot fire out of my penis.
Prompted by a segment on NPR, I realized I’d die for my integrity but I’m still not sure what it is I’m living for.
My shoes cost $35 but they’re worth way more than that.
I think the Black Flag recording of “Louie, Louie” is one of the most embarrassing songs by a band I otherwise like.
I’m not really sure what The Christian Science Monitor is.
I’ve only been in one fight, which I lost.