I don’t know what happened but the past 2months of my life seem to have disappeared and I can’t really remember anything. It all just blurs together. I just know I’m a lot happier and a lot more exhausted. Two things that don’t go together, but that’s where I’m at. I almost feel like I’m not really here. Like I’m floating above myself as I go throughout my day. Does that make sense? Nothing feels real. Like when good things happen, I feel nothing. When bad things happen, I feel nothing. I am numb. But I’m happy. And I’m drained. I don’t know how I can be all 3 of these things at once, but I am. I feel like my eyes are just two black holes and I am empty, but I’m at a high point in my life. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. It’s surreal.
looking up at PNC bank
piercing the turquoise skyline,
clouds dripping tangerine
tears, and suddenly it hits.
you keep saying how surreal
the week has been, and I exist
in each moment at once. crying
in rush hour traffic, an hour
and a half late to work Thursday
morning. watching Sweeney Todd
Tuesday night. fighting off
anxiety attacks on wednesday.
vindictive parents on the phones
at work. trips to Walmart and
sitting through lectures. trying
to write but enjoying our closeness
too much to form more than two
sentences at a time. peanut butter
chocolate chip cookies. dropping
eggs and knocking over trash cans.
spilled milk and wine and coffee.
144 hours of living like spouses,
knowing that when you leave
it will be with a promise: this
will happen again. not just
another visit, but that time-lapse
shock of being outside my body,
split into all the seconds I spent
with you, adding up to a whole
lot of something I can’t
exactly put into words.