'Was this just like a game to you?' + 'get out of my sight' for iwaoi?
Tooru’s exhausted, heading home after his latest volleyball game. He can feel it seeping into his bones, and he’s longing for a hot shower and a nice long rest in bed.
He isn’t expecting to walk up the sidewalk to his apartment and see Hajime sitting on the stairs, hands pressed together, expression tight.
He’s happy to see his boyfriend, and a smile brightens his features.
“Was this just a game to you?” Hajime’s voice is low, and shaky. Tooru’s never heard him talk like this before, the hurt in his voice cutting through Tooru like a knife, completely cutting off what he wanted to say.
Tooru freezes, still in front of the steps. He drops his bag to his feet. All of the excitement he had felt about coming home, seeing Hajime, fizzles away, leaving acid in his stomach. No, no, of course not-
“I saw your interview,” Hajime cuts in, closing his eyes, and inhaling sharply. He looks pained, and Tooru can see how hard he’s clenching his hands into fists. How hard he’s shaking. No, this isn’t right-
“No, I’m not involved with anyone,” Hajime repeats, the exact lines from Tooru’s interview that had ended just hours prior. Tooru can feel the bile building up in his throat. This is wrong-
“Seriously?” He stands, voice raising. “I-I know that we talked about it, and decided that we’d keep all this quiet… for your career - a gay pro athlete would cause a stir… and you can’t do that, and I get it, I really get it, but…” He lets out a frustrated groan, covering his face with his hands. “But, fuck - you pretending, so easily-”
Tooru pales, “It wasn’t easy-”
“That we haven’t been together for the past five years? I… I didn’t expect it to hurt so badly.” Hajime sighs, and he sounds.. defeated.
And, god - Tooru caused that.
Tooru swallows, biting back tears. He takes a step closer, reaching desperately for Hajime - he needs to explain this, fix this, now. He touches his face, fingers pressing familiarly against his cheeks and jaw, but Hajime does… nothing.
He doesn’t lean into him. He doesn’t push him away. He just doesn’t react.
Somehow, that’s even worse.
Tooru drops his hands to his sides, fingernails digging into his palms. He feels blood pearl around each finger, and it only pushes him to press harder. They’d talked about this. Hajime had promised him, he’d told him it was okay - he’d lied. “Hajime, this isn’t fair, you said it was okay-
“For fuck’s sake, we can’t even share an apartment! We’re still visiting each other every other weekend like we’re still in college. I don’t even have a key to yours. I want to be with you, Tooru. I don’t want… this. Hiding. Being too scared to be seen together too much in public. Lying to the world..” Hajime’s voice breaks, and he closes his eyes. “I’m… tired, Tooru. Tired of never feeling like we’re going anywhere. Like I’m not enough. Like… we aren’t enough for you.”
“Hajime, no… I can’t… I don’t… Please, I love you…” Tooru pleads desperately, unable to even cry, he’s too shocked. His own skin is cold as ice; Hajime finally looks at him, and his gaze feels like a needle piercing his heart.
“I don’t know if that’s enough anymore.” Hajime takes a step back and his shoulders sag. “I… I can’t do this right now. I need you out of my sight.” He shakes his head, biting back tears. Tooru chokes on a sob; Hajime doesn’t cry. “Please.”
Tooru doesn’t move. He can’t. Hajime is everything - he’s the one who lifts him up, makes him strong, keeps him safe. He’s the one who talks Tooru off the ledge when everything else seems lost, he’s the one who goes above and beyond to help him, love him-
And Tooru just unknowingly dealt his finishing blow.
It feels like time is standing still. At least that way, Tooru doesn’t have to face it - the openness, the nothingness that he can already feel ebbing in, swirling around, threatening to swallow him up. It’d be easy, just to let himself be consumed by it.
But Tooru looks up, and Hajime is still watching him. Waiting for his reaction.
So he figures out how to move his limbs again. Feels the blood start to pump back into his system, leaving him dizzy. He turns, making room for Hajime, who walks down the stairs and out of Tooru’s life.
It isn’t until Tooru walks back into his apartment that he falls to the floor, and breaks.
Part 2 |