As Choi Sung Jae’s life flashed through, moments before his suicide, he recalled memories that reflected his deepest desires.
All he wanted was for someone to understand him, to care about him, to be on his side.
Even something as trivial as “how was your day,” because he just wanted someone to care. He wanted to belong somewhere– a family, a place where he can call home. He wanted to be treasured, to be important to someone, and to receive the unconditional love that he never knew as a child.
The most insufferable part is that all these memories of people who love him, don’t actually love him. Much like how Bong Sun felt uncomfortable with Chef not being able to differentiate between her and Soon Ae, Sung Jae’s most precious experiences happened while he was possessed by the evil spirit. Can you imagine how lonely he must have felt when his deepest desires were coming true, only to be robbed by the evil spirit? How desperately he’d wished that he could’ve been the one fully experiencing it?
Maybe that’s why he ultimately chose death. Because the life that he wanted to badly was, in reality, not his. He still didn’t belong, he was still alone, and he had been used by the evil spirit to do such horrendous acts to people.
Or perhaps he just wanted to protect his loved ones from this evil spirit, and keep it from doing more harm. Even though they didn’t love the actual him, the fact that he thought of them before dying shows that he loves them. And maybe it’s easier for us to think that although he had to end his life in tragedy, at least he ended it with selfless love, the one thing that he most desired.
Being in Korea gave you a lot of opportunities, it was a country full of different people and different agencies ready to get you started. But what did not help was that you were foreign, believe it or not they were not very keen on hiring an actress that was not Korean nor Asian. Your figure, your face, your attitude was the opposite of what they were used to, you were so close to giving up and going back to your country.
Then the unthinkable happened, you landed a job as a lead actress to a kdrama. A villain who was going against a man but falls in love with him and tries to cover up her wrong doings, the show was a success and you started getting multiple jobs. One of them was a model to Zion t’s m/v, who became a close friend of yours, he even invited you on smtm to watch the rehearsals.
“Hey little star”
That was his nickname for you. You smiled and gave him a brief hug to greet him and he guided you to the others.
“Let me introduce you to our underdog, Seo chulgoo”
He smiled at you. You had to admit that he was handsome and he seemed sweet, you have watched show me the money a few times and you loved his character, he seemed like a strong person with a lot of confidence.
“I know who he is. Seo chulgoo hwaiting… that was so bad i’m sorry”
You were never the one to do cute, but you wanted to impress him for some reason, something about him made you act differently.
“No it’s okay, I appreciate it”
“Woah i’m sensing some sexual vibes between you two”
Zion T said that made you snap back to reality. You slightly pushed Zion to the side laughing. You could feel your cheeks getting warmer so you looked down to your shoes, trying to choke the smile that was on your lips.
“I hate you so much”
“You will love me when I form a speech to your wedding party”
Being in love was never in your plans but it was extremely beautiful. They way you slowly gave in to each other, how he would play with your hair while you cuddled him, how he would jokingly play with the water while you would shower and laugh when you got cold, and then try to apologize to you because he couldn’t stand your silent treament.
But all that was fading away, becoming memories and getting replaced by long silences, warm water and a space between you in bed. It was making you worry, you knew he was going through a rough time and leaving his label was for sure not easy, you wanted to help him and be his shoulder to lean on -since he was too proud to cry- but instead of that he chose to push you away, every day, little by little.
You were getting sick of it. You were sad but now you were angry, you did nothing wrong, all your attempts of cheering him up and get through this was turned down by his cranky attitude and hurtfull snaps towards you.
“I want to talk to you”
You phrased determined to solve this with Myungwon. He was in his room, a beat that kept playing, you were used to hearing different melodies playing over and over again but now he was paying more attention to that than you, which pissed you off.
So what you did was press a button that turned it off, making him move his chair to face you. Anger written over his face, finally another feeling instead of just blank.
“What the hell (y/n)?”
“I should be asking that! You treat me like trash, what is wrong with you?”
Your voice was higher than normal, your eyebrows raising up or smitten together. You could tell by the fire in your eyes and how your chest went up and down that you had reached your limit. Anger was replaced by his usual expression, complete normality.
“I have no idea what you are talking about”
His answer pushed you over the edge. You took the first thing that was in front of you- which was his pen and paper and threw it with all your might to the wall.
“That is it Myungwon. I am tired of your attitude, I hate this, I hate your dumb ass face, I hate you ignoring me, I hate you staying in this room. I hate all of this! Either man up or tell me to leave!”
All was heard was your heavy breathing and your heart thumping, ready to rip your chest and leave you. All he did was stood up and stare into your eyes for a few seconds, although to you it seemed like hours.
“I love you”
He whispered and wrapped his arms around you. It caught you by surprise, but it put your mind at ease. You smiled for the first time in days and hugged him tightly, letting his cologne take over your senses.
“I am sorry for taking it on you, you have been by my side through all of this. I took you for granted and left you, I won’t let you go… I need you here. Even when I didn’t hug you those nights, just knowing your warm body was there brought me comfort.”
Hearing him say those words, expressing his love to you… it was what you missed so much. You closed your eyes and let his fingers go through your hair, like the old times
“Did you buy different shampoo? It smells different”
He asked. You opened your eyes and started laughing hysterically
“Way to ruin the moment, for once just be romantic”
“I noticed your change in shampoo’s that’s romantic”
You got on your tip toes and placed a sweet kiss on his well shaped lips. As you pulled back you saw him smiling, you touched his cheek. He took your hand and started kissing your fingertips, a weird soft spot you got, it was a way of letting you feel his love.
I would really love to see more dramas where females are the dominant ones. Like, most K-dramas are centred around the males and the ladies are usually just a helper to their man or they just need him to complete them. I just would love to see women who have a strong presence and are actually important for the development of the story.”