On the night of the Met Gala, dated May 2, 2016, Tom Hiddleston contracted what is to be known later as the Taylor Swift PR virus, which after introduction and a month’s time of incubation, will exhibit first symptoms, such as complete reversal in PR goodwill, being gaslighted, and getting dragged into petty, childish drama by overgrown, emotionally-handicapped adults. Like many other victims before him, the disease is incurable and widely believed to have originated from a parasite known as the Taylor Swift.*
*as narrated by nature documentarian, Sir David Attenborough
Its etymology is two-fold. First, the parasite “tailors” itself to its host for a time, often mimicking the prey’s preferences and appearance, exhibiting to the host only its pleasant aspects. During the boyfriend shopping phase, the Taylor Swift commits to extensive research on its prey. As the parasite enters into a relationship with the host, during the honeymoon phase, the Taylor Swift dispenses a collection of mouthpieces (e.g. #squadgoals inducted members) and unnamed “sources” that speak on its behalf, often dropping planted leaks of the pairing to the press. Typically in a few weeks’ time, after feeding on the host’s goodwill and PR mileage, extracting an album’s worth of songwriting material, the Taylor Swift leaves its prey paralyzed with the disease in quick fashion, mobilizing itself and its horde of enablers towards its next host, hence the name, “swift”. The victim left behind undoubtedly will have to endure an extensive period of PR viral agony before containment of the contagion. Cure is yet to be discovered, but at the moment, only treatments known as Karma™ and fast news cycle can alleviate the symptoms.
Experts have warned the public at large to avoid exposure to the Taylor Swift during the phenomenon known as the shading event, if possible. It may be difficult as the Taylor Swift produces what is known as the ear worm. Public advisory weighs heavily towards covering the ears and chanting “la la la” when its ear worm makes it through the airwaves. Unsuspecting bystanders are forced to endure the unfolding of unsolicited and passive aggressive “shading” of a former host while waiting in checkout line at the local market.
Experts also suggest changing the station, or, if trapped unwittingly in the elevator extensively with the invasive parasite, to promptly eject oneself from the mechanical enclosure or to simply put on earphones to prevent infection. Those naturally resistant to the Taylor Swift ear worms typically have alternative preferences in music. Experts advise putting on Radiohead, Queens of the Stone Age, Beyonce, or the Taylor Swift’s natural countermeasure, the Katy Perry, its equal in maturation stasis. The Katy Perry has proven to be especially effective during moments of the Taylor Swift’s mysteriously timed PR announcements, such as a calculated maneuver coined, The Boyfriend Rollout™. On rare occasions, the Katy Perry dispenses copious amounts of Karma™ to combat the natural byproduct of bullshit produced by the Taylor Swift.
Pictured Above: Joe Alwyn the host being compromised | Source: Splash News
Researchers have yet to understand how the Taylor Swift chooses its prey, but some patterns have emerged on its choice of mates, such as birthplace, typically U.K., race and sex (white and male), strong built-in fan bases, unblemished PR, and impeccable growing star power. The closest researchers can compare the parasite’s behavior to is the preying mantis, although with the exception of literally eating its prey alive after seducing it, the meaning is a figurative one. The Taylor Swift’s new host, Joe Alwyn, is at the mercy of its parasite, with no built-in fan base or star wattage to help bat off some of the infection already taking hold. Those naturally resistant to the Taylor Swift parasite will undoubtedly reject narratives planted by the chlorophyllous symbiote, Tree Paine, in choice rags such as E!, People, Us Weekly, The Sun, and The Daily Mail. Experts have concluded that the Taylor Swift parasite is perhaps addicted to mad love.*
*a chemical addiction to copious amounts of adulation and comparably 25 million pumpkin spiced lattes in patriotic dollars