kassie is chaotic neutral

in which Kassie does not react to anything appropriately.
okay “Doomsday” was really sad and I have all of these Rose feels, and all of these Doctor feels, and even though I still don’t really ship them that much?

—in that, like, I acknowledge that they love each other and are true facts and whatnot, and it’s all very nice and what-have-you, but… for me, they are like Paul Rudd to Jeff Winger:

I can see the appeal of Doctor/Rose and I’d never take them away from anybody else, but I wouldn’t stand in line for them and I doubt I’ll be writing any fic for them that’s longer than a couple hundred words, if that, because they’re cute, they’re okay, but I’m not really inspired, not least since RTD et al did all the work for me already—

but all of the sadness and emotional collapse and stuff is sort of being kicked aside by SHEER EXCITEMENT because of writerly things.

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Sometimes, I really wish I could write some mission statement about how I make up femme headcanons to fight effeminophobia and to fight misogyny and in the service of some cool, high-minded ideals.

And like. It’s not that I CAN’T do that—one of my superpowers is that I am quite well practiced in the art of bullshit and the art of manipulating words and language in the ways I want. Give me ten minutes or so and I could totally write up at least the outline of my, “yeah all of my femme headcanons are totally combating these things woohoo transformative power of fandom” argument, if not the whole argument itself.

But I can’t really do that in good conscience because my reasons for doing the thing are much more selfish and while I’m generally more on the morally and ethically compromised side of the spectrum here… I just wouldn’t feel right about being all like, “yeah my myriad femme headcanons are totally a big political statement” when the real reasons why I do the thing are more like:

a. I like living vicariously through my headcanons because I love femme stuff but can’t really present as femme offline for various reasons (including but not limited to: money, the time and effort that goes into creating a femme aesthetic, general ineptitude with makeup and clothes, feeling kind of uncomfortable in anything fancier than jeans and a t-shirt or maybe my tiered black lace miniskirt and a cute colorful button up, inability to wear heels due to the serious possibility that I will fall over and break myself or someone else);

and b. I like prettiness and pretty things and I firmly believe that all of my myriad femme headcanons make everything prettier.

So, like. Yeah. Basically, there may or may not be more transformative things going on here and there may be more potentially liberatory side effects to my femme headcanons, but… for all I’m morally and ethically compromised and for all I generally only behave myself for at least kind of underhanded reasons (like when I encourage people not to fight wank by tagging their hate not because tagging your hate for something is a dick move in general but because it gives the people wanking about us more ammunition to make us look like the aggressors and the people in the wrong, and to turn more people off of seeing our perspective on the issues at hand)…

Yeah, for all those things are true of me, I just really don’t feel right about going, “my femme headcanons are totally a political statement and stuff y'know what I mean” when actually my femme headcanons are pretty much just me doing a thing that makes me happy for the sheer and sole purpose of making myself happy. Nothing more, nothing less.

Which isn’t to say that I think my motivations for coming up with femme headcanons and doing stuff based on them are wrong or lesser than or worthy of dismissal because they’re primarily self-serving. I mean really, self-gratification is one of the primary reasons why fandom exists in the first place and one of the most common reasons why we do what we do.

There are certainly more nuanced versions of it or reasons for it—like self-gratification gained from queer interpretations of characters or racebent fanworks or from making neuroatypical headcanons, where the self-gratification comes from increasing representation of marginalized groups (usually groups that you yourself are a member of), which is a different kind of self-gratification than say, my femme headcanons, where the locus of the gratification is pretty much, “I think Stacker Pentecost would look really pretty in mascara and sparkly nail polish and lace panties uwu"—

but yeah, fannish self-gratification is a thing and it can be a good thing or a bad thing or neither depending on how it’s used in different scenarios by different people. And like my example of fucking the canon in the name of representation shows, self-gratification and transformative social, cultural, and political motives aren’t even mutually exclusive.

I just don’t feel good about the idea of conflating them in the case of my femme headcanons because… mmm, yeah, no. There is no mission. There is no statement. There is no powerful underlying desire to fuck up the androcentric canon by making all the characters femme as fuck. I’m really just doing the thing because it makes me happy and I think it makes everything prettier.

And I might be morally and ethically compromised in general, but I do try to make an effort to keep myself honest and to check myself for any hypocrisy because hypocrisy and deliberate, malicious, self-serving dishonesty are two traits that I really loathe in other people so I don’t want to exhibit them myself, y'know what I mean?

This post has been brought to you by random thoughts I had while driving out to campus and mentally drafting a post about femme!Stacker Pentecost.

So, like. My parents are perpetually upset that, regardless any of my more achievable career goals and whatnots, I’m still insistent that no really, I’m a writer first and foremost, and I’m going to get my stories and books published someday, and maybe I will even have a fandom of my own at some point and then I’ll be really good to them and friendly but still something of a troll and I won’t tell my underage fans where Severin Moreau’s name came from because it came from Venus In Furs and I don’t want to get in trouble for hooking thirteen year olds up with fucking Venus In Furs.

Like, the thing that they keep coming back to is generally something like, “why are you a writer though, why is this a thing that you care about so much, why can’t you be more normal, where did we go wrong with you” (which they really don’t want me to answer because I could go on for at least an hour and a half about all of the places where they “went wrong” with me but that’s beside the point). and I’m just really perpetually confused as to why they keep acting like this is some kind of new development for me? or why they seem to think that it’s ever going to go away when it’s been a thing that I’m adamantly in love with and that’s been necessary to maintaining my mental health since I was a kid and I mean, like, a really young kid too?

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10:26:00 PM Astrid: ….wtf Pottermore, there is no way in Hell I am a Gryffindor. xD

10:26:09 PM Kassie: ……did you just get sorted? XD ♥

10:26:15 PM Astrid: Yes xD

10:27:07 PM Kassie: *hairpets* …uh, I started to type, “if it helps, it put me in Ravenclaw and made me wibble,” but… at least that’s half of how I identify. I just was hoping it’d go with the ‘Slyther’ half because the 'claw’ half is soooo obvious and boring. XD

10:28:30 PM Astrid: I’m just like ….but whut. IT’S LIKE THE LAST HOUSE I WOULD EVER BE IN. xD

10:28:49 PM Astrid: You know what I do when things get hard and scary RUN AWAY AND HIDE.

10:29:26 PM Kassie: THAT’S HOW I FEEL EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAYS THEY SEE GRYFFINDOR IN ME. …but yeah, Pottermore’s sorting hat is wonky. and… technically, that doesn’t mean you don’t have courage, since… Neville also likes to run away and hide, and his whole character arc is tapping his inner badass.

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