Our favorite human being, Jeff Karstens, faced off against the Phillies and some Chinese guy named Cliff Lee in Pittsburgh last night, and pitched six strong innings, giving up one earned run on five hits, with a walk and two punch outs. Both teams tried really hard to not score any runs so that they could just stay tied at one and play baseball forever,  but Alex Presley screwed it all up by hitting a walkoff infield single and making everybody go home.

But the most important takeaway from last night’s game was that…

Jeff Karstens still has a face.

This is the tenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.

(Click the pic for a SLIDSHOEW)


Jeff Karstens, the godfather of DERP and a reliable starting pitcher for the first place (!) Pittsburgh Pirates pitched his face ass off last night in a 2-0 win over the Oklahoma City Redhawks Houston Astros. Mayor McDERP threw eight scoreless innings, giving up four hits, while walking one and striking out eight. He also brought his game face to the dish last night, as he sprayed his first base hit of the season into right field and and scored on a sacrifice fly by Garrett Jones. But more important than being in first place and wins and losses and scoreless innings and first hits of the year and important runs scored, was the incredible display of DERP at PNC Park last night. 70-to-80 grade DERP. Flashes of Elite DERP. A reminder that this man, this visage, is a generational talent in the prime of his career.


Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys, and it might just be in the best shape of its life.

This is the fifteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.



An epic showdown took place at Coors Field last night, as Productive Outs’ revered DERP magnate, Jeff Karstens, battled the preeminent purveyor of FLERP, Jeff Francis.

H.R. DERPnSTERP threw seven solid innings, save a mild disaster of a fifth inning, utilizing his full arsenal of derptastic pitches, giving up four runs on six hits before Pirates manager Clint Purple Hurdle pulled him so that Jason Grilli could eventually blow it in the ninth.

The FLERPasaurus had a typical awkward soft-tossing lefty start, as he thumbed his way through five mostly boring innings of one run, six hit ball before giving way to the Rockies bullpen and a newfangled relief troop called the Rex Brothers who vultured a win after blowing their fifth save of the year.

While neither DERP nor FLERP did anything really remarkable or noteworthy, their faces did, including getting together for a few adult sodas after the ballgame.  

Jeff Karstens has a face, you guys. And so does Jeff Francis.

This is a tribute to them and their faces.



Our favorite human being, Jeff Karstens (AKA “River Wizard” WTF), made his triumphant return to the diamond last night in Philadelphia as he faced off against the Phillies and some squishy adult baby named Joe Blanton. Mayor McDerp had a rough outing, giving up six earned runs on eleven hits hits through five innings of work, while his Pirates teammates pretended that they’d forgotten how to throw and catch, and Pedro Alvarez be’d Pedro Alvarez.

Karstens and his face looked to be in phenomenal shape towards the end of his rehab stint last week, but last night’s return to game action was nothing but a disappointment. We’re hoping his DERPability isn’t regressing to the mean.

Even when he’s not on top of his game, Jeff Karstens still has a face, you guys.

This is the thirteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.




Jeff Karstens was pulled from last night’s after just one inning due to something the Pirates are calling “shoulder inflammation”. We here at Productive Outs are obviously not doctors, but after conducting a series of independent tests with our Tandy® DigiOptical PhotoComb™ and running the data we’ve collected through our new Realistic® Hyperspecious Derptrometer, we’ve surmised that he’s out with (what they refer to in the biz as) “a face” and will be placed on the 15-Day DL.

Jeff Karstens still has a face, you guys. Even if it’s on the DL.

This is the twelfth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.


Pittsburgh Pirates (f)ace, Jeff Karstens, gave up five earned runs on nine hits in just three-and-two-thirds of an inning against the Cardinals yesterday. And now we’re hearing that he and his face might miss their next start. With photo evidence as proof, there was clearly a lack of #KarstensFace in yesterday’s game. This is disconcerting, not only for Jeff, the Pirates, and his face, but for us here at Productive Outs.

We’re hoping Jeff will use the week off to rehabilitate his face and come back at full strength to close out what has been a pretty impressive year (for a guy named Jeff Karstens [that also has a face] that pitches for the Pirates) on the mound.

Guys, Jeff Karstens still has a face, albeit a disabled face.

This is the eighth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.


Jeff Karstens gave up one earned run on five hits in six innings, walked one, and struck out three on Monday in a 1-0 loss to the Diamondbacks. That single run was a broken bat homerun by Justin Upton that triggered the first-ever sighting of the “flip-back-the-bill to oops-forgot-how-to-breathe to extended-sigh to labored-mouthbreathe to toddler-quietly-shitting-himself-while-standing-in-a-corner” KarstensFace. Truly an epic moment.

Jeff Karstens has a face.

This is the ninth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.


Productive Outs’ beloved Jeff Karstens had a rough one against the Milwaukee Brewers tonight. DERP Wienerschnitzel only lasted 1/3 of an inning and was tagged for four runs on five hits before he left with a groin injury.

That 1/3 of an inning was rough. Nyjer Morgan doubled, Rickie Weeks singled, Aramis Ramirez to drive them both in, he struck out Ryan Braun, he gave up a two-run home run to one of the cavemen from the GEICO commercials,  Jonathan Lucroy singled and then oh man I can’t do this anymore my bathing suit area hurts hey purple-faced manager guy let’s talk about this OK I’m done.

And that was that.

The Pirates went on to lose 9-3.

Jeff Karstens is injured, but he still has a face.

This is the twenty-first installment of our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.



DERP magnate Jeff Karstens fell just short of his fifth quality start of the year, giving up four runs on six hits through five innings of work against that disaster of a team from Houston with Jose Altuve and 24 other guys you’ve never heard of on it. The “River Wizard” got his DERPy little tits lit a bit, giving up bombs to Nondescript White Baseball Player XXIII and some guy who has apparently been Francisco for thirty years. The Pirates managed to battle back and take the lead for good in the top of the ninth when Druice Hutton scored on a wild pitch. Joel Hanrahan came in and shut the door for his 31st save, giving the Pirates their eighth win in their last ten games.

The Astros also honored television star Kelsey Grammer former pitcher Mike Scott by having him shot put a solid gold baseball in sandals and cargo shorts while the crowd of 24,685 wondered what he was keeping in all those pockets.

Jeff Karstens might not have been on top of his game, but his face was.

This is the eighteenth installment in our ongoing tribute to him. And his face.