You leave for one fucking weekend out of the whole year, and Dave’s appendix decides that then is the best time to combust horribly in the middle of a test, and you’re halfway across the country at a conference preaching to a bunch of bored politicians and educators that standardized testing is bad fro both students and schools.
You miss 3 phone calls; one from Dave (along with the text “so i might be dying ilu dont let john see my internet history”), one from an unknown number (the hospital), and one from Rose. Rose also texts you, “He’s alive, don’t blow all your money catching a flight home. Terezi seconds this notion.”
You text Eridan instead. “SO ARE YOU STILL WHINING ABOUT ALL THOSE MILES YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE IF YOU DON’T USE THEM UP?”
“uh yeah wwhy”
“I NEED A FLIGHT HOME QUICK.”
So you get on the first flight back to Texas, still in your suit, take a cab from the hospital to the airport, and immediately spot Rose getting coffee in the cafeteria.
“For fuck’s sake,” she says when she sees you. “What did I tell you about blowing up your bank account to get home?”
“I didn’t fucking blow up anything, I just owe Eridan some odd favor.”
“In some ways, that’s worse.”
“Where is he?”
“You make it sound like he’s in trouble.”
“He’s in a hospital. By definition, he is in some sort of trouble.”
She leads you back to Dave’s room, where Dave greets you with uncharacteristic cheer.
“Yo, broseph!” he grins. “Loving the suit, very suit. Are you my new nurse?”
Rose sighs. “I’m not entirely sure what he’s on, but I couldn’t stop them from calling up Bro and now he has a room to himself, a stupid amount of drugs in him, and three different doctors.”
You put your suitcase down and collapse in a chair next to him. “How are you feeling, you emotional disaster?”
Dave pats out a beat on his thighs, like he’s introducing himself in morse code. “I’m fan-freaking-tastic, uncanny, a million buccaneers in a canon with a spoon.”
“This is some service man, first I get like, an appletini and a fucking fried McDaddy dub-“
“I got him McDonald’s and some apple juice,” Rose tells you.
“-and then I get some hot mom action-“
“The nurse was very bodacious and doting,” Rose interrupts again.
“And now I get hot single dad action, this is the best hotel. Never let me leave. I hope this this Hotel California.”
You say, “I’m not a dad, or single.”
He looks upset. “But the hair?”
You, for once, took Dave’s advice and did you hair for your presentation. It’s not a huge mess like it normally is. “It’s just mousse. As soon as I take a shower I can put this hair style behind me and never look back. Also, this is what we in the sober plane of existence call ‘professional,’ not dad.”
“Hot professional, here to service all my professional needs. Wink. Wait, I didn’t mean to say wink.”
You roll your eyes and kiss him on the cheek. Because he’s a huge nerd and doped up enough to see to the astral plane, apparently.
He gasps, and for a second you think he’s going to start making jokes about PDA or whatever but he says, “You said you weren’t single, don’t go playing on your beautiful wide for me man, I’m not worth it.”
Rose snorts, “Oh my god.”
“.. Dave,” you say. “Dave, we’re dating.”
Another gasp. “No!”
“Yes, amazing, I know.”
“I get to keep you?”
“Well,” Rose chimes, “I’ll leave you two to catch up on your marital status.”
“Whoa, wait a gosh darn fuck-tootin minute, we’re married?”
Whatever favor Eridan is going to ask of you in the future, it’s definitely worth it.