I love you, but I’m not waiting for you.
From telling you simple greetings like “Good morning” and “Good night” to random things like what I’m doing, where I’m going and who I’m with, all the way down to my deepest emotions, fears and desires, I have devolved into just saying “Hello” and mostly “Good bye.”
I used to tell you everything.
There are so many things I want to tell you. From the most random things like I cried while watching ‘Finding Dory’ and I cried more while watching ‘Me Before You’ down to the most blissful things like I’m becoming a better writer, singer, daughter, sister, discipler, disciple, servant and friend, I want to tell you everything.
There are so many questions I want to ask you. From the most generic questions like “Have you eaten?” “What are you doing?” and “How was your day?” down to the most difficult questions like “Are you okay?” “When are you leaving?” and “Why didn’t you greet me on my birthday?” I want to ask you everything.
There are so many things I want you to know. From the most peculiar thoughts like how I remember you whenever I hear someone asking for baby wipes, how I dreamt I was holding your hand and chose to let go in the end, and how I reminisce about us whenever I sit on the same bench where you told me you love me; all the way down to the most concealed truths of how I feel for you, I want you to know everything.
I want you to hear the words “I’m sorry” “I miss you” and “I love you.” So many times I was tempted to tell you these words, but all I could say was “Hello” and “Good bye.” It’s difficult not being able to talk to you. It hurts not being able to tell you how I feel. But no matter how difficult it gets and how painful it becomes, we cannot escape the reality that some things are just better left unsaid.
Truth is… I’m choosing not to tell you because I’m waiting.
I’m waiting not for you, but for God’s beautiful plan to come true.
I love you, but I’m not waiting for you.
I’ve recently finished reading Corrie ten Boom’s book ‘Hiding place.’ Just like me, Corrie also fell in love with a man (Karel) who chose not to pursue her, but she didn’t let her brokenness keep her from loving Karel. More importantly, she didn’t let her brokenness keep her from loving God. Instead, she used her brokenness to gain strength from the Lord and love Karel the way God wanted her to.
“Corrie,” he began instead, “do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. “There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting.
But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. “God loves Karel—even more than you do—and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.”
“Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future—oh, You know! Everything! Give me Your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much.”
I’m not waiting for you because I’m choosing to love you the best way I can. Corrie taught me that the best way for me to love you is to re-route my love for you to God and ask Him to love you for me. I’m asking God to love you for me because I know that He loves you more than I do, that He will give you the love I can never give you; that He will give you the perfect love in the perfect way – a love nothing can prevent nor destroy.
I’m not waiting for you because God remains to be my first and greatest love. Because my love for God is so much greater than my love for you, it is Him that I have chosen to trust and obey. I’m not waiting for you because my faith lies not on you, but on God. There is no assurance in waiting for you, but in waiting upon the Lord all assurance becomes true. I’m not waiting for you because God told me not to. God told me to let go and that’s what I’m choosing to do.
I’m waiting for God’s beautiful plan to come true; not because I understand Him full well, but because I trust Him full well.
There is great mystery as to what God’s plan is. Whether He plans for you to stay in my heart or to stay in my life, I am not certain. Whether He plans for me to love someone else soon after or years later, I am not certain. Whether He plans for me to remain single or get married, I am not certain. However, because I trust God, I am certain that whatever His plan may be, may it be to marry you, to marry someone else or to not marry at all, it will be best. For He declared to me, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
I’m waiting for God’s beautiful plan to come true; not because I love waiting, but because I know it will be worth the wait. I’m more than a hundred percent sure that the mystery, uncertainty, and difficulty of it all will be worth it because I will be waiting for the Man who loves me most, the Man who loves me best, the Man who loves me perfectly – God. I will embrace the precious reality that waiting can get tiring, frustrating, and depressing, knowing that the process of waiting also entails warmth, strength, and growth that comes only from the perfect love of the Lord.
As I wait, I hope and pray that you’re doing the same too. Don’t wait for me, wait for Him. Don’t wait for who you deem is “the one.” Wait, instead, for the Only One – the Only One who can love you perfectly. Wait only for our God Almighty.