kardashian crying

I am a nightmare.

Totally just using tumblr as like a picture diary and vent fest. I sort of have this image in my city of being a super positive, empowering human when in reality I’m a sad sack of shit.


Anyways,

I live in Texas and I met a boy who lived in Florida. This was back when I was like 90 lbs. we talked non stop for weeks and in between me switching companies to work for, I had a break. He jokingly said I should come visit him. I totally did, too. 19 fucking hours my 90 lb body drove. Never stopped to sleep, just drove straight. Wasn’t even supposed to be driving over 100 miles. So I didn’t tell anyone till I left.

I met him at 3 am on his door step. I have never felt the way I did in that moment. I remember it being super chilly that night and me not being prepared for it and when he hugged me it was so warm and just homey.

I had the best four days of my life. He took me to my first bar, a magic show, fancy restaurants, car shows, a concert, to watch the sun set out on a pier, he drove me around and showed me where every relative he had lived and told me all his stories, he got us a hotel with a room that faced the ocean and I remember he stopped to pet every single dog we walked past. He honestly was the most kind, charming and beautiful man I had ever met.

I had been restricting so badly and I remember not wanting him to think I was crazy so I ate and oh my god did I eat. Amazing food. Incredible food. And he just made me not even worry about ana.


I left and was so depressed. I cried the first 3 hours of my drive. Ugly crying. Like Kim Kardashian crying. Ew.


We kept talking every day and face timing and sending each other presents in the mail. We kept missing one another and talking about one day, what if.


Then one day came. A 7 weeks after me visiting he tells me he’s moving to my city. He found a job and we’re going to do this. I had never been so happy in my entire life. I had to wait two months for him and every day my excitement grew.

My weight stayed around 104 or below that whole time.

He came. He really came. He moved in with me in my shitty downtown apartment and we had the greatest life. We were so happy. We danced, we sang, we cooked, we ate, we drank, we laughed until we cried and we loved so fucking hard.

Then I went to the doctor one day. Was told I had a normal healthy BMI and I flipped. It was his fault. I kept trying to restrict after that but my love for cooking had grown with his passion to eat good food and it was so hard. When I was alone I could stay tiny.

So I did what I’ve always done and I ran. I left him, without any explanation. Broke him. Crushed him. This man had moved across the country for me and after a year I just left. All because my BMI reached the healthy percentile. Not even above, right on it.

Relatiobshits make you fat, right?

It’s been 7 months now. About 2 months ago he popped back up and then we went out a few times and the scale went up and I cut him off without a word.

Because I’m a terrible fucking person. Obviously.

Then tonight he reached out to me and after talking back and forth he asked me to come over and I did. When he opened his phone I saw he had been sending heart emojis to someone so I ended up asking him about it. He’s apparently been talking to this girl I know for a whiiiiiile. Makes sense why the last time I saw her she gave me a death stare. Oh well.

Anyways tonight I was over there watching the World Series and he just grabbed me and hugged me. So tightly and so warm. Like the first hug. He wouldn’t let go and he kissed my forehead and said “I miss you”

Later he hugged me again and then kissed me for real and I kissed back and I ended up in his lap and we started really making out and then I stopped because I’m like “holy shit what are we doing” and he just looks at me like “what have I’ve done” (SERIOUSLY NOT A FUCK BOY. SERIOUSLY HE IS THE MOST KIND HEARTED SOUL TO BLESS THE EARTH AND IM AN EVIL WITCH)

I told him I was sorry and tried to leave and said I hope he doesn’t make this a habit and he grabbed me and hugged me again for what felt like forever and then grabbed my hands and said “I will forever love you” and I know he will and god do I love him too. So much.

My mom introduces him (yeah they still see one another since he has no family here and my mom adores him) as “the one who got away”

And, he is.

I want him back so badly because I know we make one another whole. God there’s so much I could tell and you would just know it too. But he makes me happy and carefree and that makes me fat. I’m seriously choosing ana over love.

And that’s true love for Ana..

Thanks for letting my have a diary. Just needed to say all of that.