kant,

Will the sun rise in the east tomorrow?
  • Hume: The sun has risen in the east everyday in the past, but there is no way to know for sure that it will rise in the east tomorrow
  • Descartes: The sun might not be real, tomorrow might not be real. I am real. God is real. That's it.
  • Kant: You will probably perceive the sun as rising in the east tomorrow because that is what your preset knowledge tells you will happen, but "tomorrow" and "the east" are concepts that don't exist without human perception.
  • Hobbes: Who cares? People suck.
How to Break up Like a Philosopher

Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other.
Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other.
Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me.
Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
Rationalist: I’ve been doing some thinking…
Continentalist: You’ve lost that love and feeling.
Egalitarian: This is the best thing for both of us.
Functionalist: I don’t care about accommodating your feelings.
Quinean: I’m sorry, but you don’t mean anything to me anymore.
Foundationalist: We have nothing left to build upon.
Relativist: It’s no one’s fault.
Atheist: These things just happen.
Kantian: You lied to me!
Consequentialist: You should have lied to my mother about her pot roast!
Anti-Fictionalist: I’m sick of faking it.
Cartesian: I don’t clearly and distinctly perceive a future together.
Hegelian: Do we have to go through this again?
Lockean: Our primary qualities simply aren’t compatible.
Behaviorist: I just can’t keep going through the motions anymore.
Presentist: There just isn’t any future for us.
Eternalist: At least we’ll always have that weekend in Paris.

Guide to famous philosophers:
  • <p> <b><p></b> <b>Aristotle:</b> the master of no shit sentences, the librarian<p/><b>Kant:</b> the one with ridiculously high standards for relationships<p/><b>Plato:</b> the one who thought he was right until right before he died, which is when he realized he was wrong (aka fuck-you-Thrasymachos)<p/><b>Nietzsche:</b> the animal lover with a really shitty sister<p/><b><b>Hume:</b> the one who disses everyone else's ideas but doesn't create his own ideas<p/><b>John Locke:</b> the fan fiction author<p/><b>Socrates:</b> the one literally too ugly to draw, also the star of Plato's oh-so-exciting dialogues<p/></p><p/></p>