kaner's the best

6

Warm ups 3.23.17

Hey.

I wanted to make a list of my favorite Kaner + Tazer fics because, well, I love them, and I have a lot, I guess? But like, I’m going to try and narrow it down to my all time faves. They’re all from Archive of Our Own because, let’s be real, that site has the best hockey RPF by far.

One of the first “Kazer” fics I ever read was Scattered Pieces of My Mind by Calliotrope: http://archiveofourown.org/works/993227.

  • It’s of my favorite stories—ever. It’s just so perfect. Heartbreaking as fuck. But like, when you finish it, you’ll feel so content, with yourself and everything else. The little details in this story, like the sandwiches (you’ll see), are so memorable, and they make it so much better. 

Actually just finished reading this one for the first time, and it already makes the cut. Human Empanada by impertinence: http://archiveofourown.org/works/347961/chapters/565586.

  • I actually avoided this fic for a while. Whenever I saw it on rec lists and stuff, I always thought I wouldn’t be into it. And then, I read it. Wow, I was wrong. This story is so well-written. I love this version of Jonathan Toews so much. He’s really hard to read and doesn’t demonstrate his emotions a lot, and I love that, I like that we have to figure them out in other ways. And this is flat out best Kaner in all of hockey RPF. The author just nails him, his little inner monologue, his mannerisms—everything. Read this. 

Makes me laugh every time. Dude, Where’s the Stanley Cup?! by svmadelyn: http://archiveofourown.org/works/982201

  • This story is straight up lovely. Every time I read it, I feel all warm inside, like nothing can ever get me down. I also genuinely laughed my ass off reading this one, and that doesn’t happen very often. The “Kazer” aspect of this is kind of lowkey, I suppose, like, it sort of sneaks up on you. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s just not the focal point of the story because, well, that’s where’s the Stanley Cup?! But don’t worry, it’s there. This fic is 100% worth your time. Read it if you ever have the urge to smile like an idiot. 

Don’t know why this isn’t more popular…What Comes Easy by impertinence: http://archiveofourown.org/works/591960/chapters/1065667

  • I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve read this one. It’s my second favorite of all time. It’s so good. It’s all about growing up and growing up together and growing apart and everything in between, and it’s just so fucking real. Maybe it really spoke to me because I just graduated from high school a few weeks ago? I don’t know. But this Kaner and Tazer will grab you by the heart and never let go—I promise you that. I don’t think this story is meant to be so emotional, because it really is quite hilarious and ridiculous at times, but it is. Read this. Read this. Seriously. 

Finally, my all time favorite, the GOAT: love is a contact sport by hazel and mermaid: http://archiveofourown.org/works/631437/chapters/1142079

  • I couldn’t possibly say enough good things about this beautiful, spectacular story. I don’t even know what to say about it to do it justice. I will say two things, and then I’ll just leave you with the summary from the authors. 1) This, in my opinion, is the greatest portrayal of Pat and Jonny that there will ever be. 2) This story will make you cry, but I promise, the tears are so worth it. Anyway, straight from the authors: And the tragic reality of Patrick’s life is that even though they broke up over a year ago, he and Johnny still play beautiful hockey together. 

Empty Chairs (7K) 1988 fic for @toewsme1988

Summary: Growing up in the middle of Nowhere, Canada isn’t easy. Especially when your family is barely scraping by and all your dreams are of escaping. Luckily, with Jonny, Patrick doesn’t have to dream alone.

(Read here.)

A Kane/Toews Hockey RPF Rec List

After getting countless anon asks for recs, I’ve finally caved and made this list. This is, in my opinion, the cream of the crop. Happy reading! (If the author has a tumblr that I know of, I’ve linked them because many authors post ficlets here that can’t be found on AO3.)

53 Blowjobs - zarathuse

Consider this a gateway drug into the fandom, because that’s exactly what it was to me. Exactly what it says on the tin: it takes 53 blowjobs for Pat and Jonny to finally get it together. With an absolutely spot-on Patrick voice, it’s so unbelievably… believable. You’ll find yourself shaking your head and saying, “Oh boys.”

sugar dumpling muffin baby - liketheroad

Pat calls Jonny baby during sex and Jonny really, really likes it. “In which pet names lead to feelings, or possibly the other way around.” But, this is about so much more than that. It’s… I can’t capture in words how wonderful this is, how complex, how them. This is definitely my favorite canon fic, by far. It’ll take you on an emotional rollercoaster, but the payoff is so, so worth it. I cannot recommend it enough.

This Heart Is Not For Wasting - the4freedoms

This fic… I can’t be coherent about it. It is gorgeously atmospheric and manages to capture perfectly the sensation of an impending graduation, of being at and then leaving college. It’s a gorgeous portrayal of Pat and Jonny made all the more fantastic by the fact that they play for Yale, and they’re stupid about each other. Just… read it.

The Reeducation of Misters Kane and Toews - jezzie-jay

Jonny is a kindergarten teacher, and Patrick is the hockey-playing father of a problematic, if adorable, little girl. This fic is just… so, so cute. But it’s also more than that. It’s about Patrick and Jonny growing as people, together, and about a slow, vaguely dysfunctional courtship that is very, very them. Just… I love this fic.

a lighthanded approach to regulation - hazel

I love this. This is a trope I love, but subverted in the most beautiful of ways. It’s A/B/O where Patrick is a nontraditional alpha, and Jonny is a very nontraditional omega. Hazel weaves in interesting looks at what such classifications mean socially and politically, but at its core it’s about Pat and Jonny and how they’ve always been the perfect complement to each other.

I Got a Love (That Keeps Me Waiting) - svmadelyn

I don’t care if mpreg isn’t your thing. This fic will make it your thing. It’s inadequate to call this curtain fic because it is so, so much more. An epic at 160k, every word of this is wonderful. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will coo at how goddamn adorable these boys are. At it’s core, it’s about Jonny wanting to take care of Pat, about them learning how to be together. It was so good I literally couldn’t put it down.

i don’t know why (i can’t keep my eyes off you) - vlieger

Sharpy is an evil genius and spams Pat with pictures of Jonny’s ass, and Jonny with pictures of Pat’s mouth. Naturally, this goes exactly where we’d all expect. Hot like burning, and really about them navigating sex, and everything that comes with it, together.

still waters - demotu

A gorgeous, atmospheric look that’s partially an ode to summers at a cabin, but mostly about navigating their relationship and regaining lost ground. It’s a slow, lazy exploration of what they mean to each other, and it’s beautifully done. (Also, the porn is hot. Yup. It’s demotu, what did you expect.)

Keep You On My Arm - rsadelle

The team starts going out to gay bars, and Kaner gets hit on. A lot. Naturally, Jonny feels the need to beat away all the suitors by playing the boyfriend. Even better than the premise promises.

everybody wants to get down like that - zarathuse

Kaner becomes hysterically obsessed with getting Jonny to sit in his lap because it is absolutely unacceptable that Broshie has had that honor, and he hasn’t. Zarathuse has the best Kaner voice in this fandom, and everything about this fic is so them. You’ll probably piss yourself laughing. It’s fantastic. This fic also involves Sharpy making a video to Miss New Booty that is mostly just pictures of Jonny’s ass. Yes. Perfection.

Words They’ll Write on My Tombstone - the4freedoms

This is just… scorchingly hot. If you’re a Jonny girl, yeah you’ll enjoy this. A lot. Beyond that, it’s a fascinating look at how magnetic the bond between Pat and Jonny is, and how they’re both incapable of resisting each other. (Also all the love for sex machine Tazer, okay.)

Not a Heart of Gold - queeniegalore

I don’t really know how to describe this fic? It’s Jonny negotiating a kink with himself and just epically pining after Pat because, somehow, paying Pat to do things turns him on. (Spoiler alert: it’s not really hooker kink. It has to do with ~feelings~) It’s also searingly, viscerally hot but, it’s by queeniegalore, so that’s a given.

Your Daddy’s Aim Is True - thefourthvine

A baby appears at Jonny’s doorstep. His name is Stanley Kane-Toews. It’s about Jonny and Pat trying to take care of a newborn baby, but also about them finally figuring themselves out. You will coo at the cute. It’s fantastic.

No Assembly Required - pyrodynamo

Patrick accidentally acquires a Canadian mail-order bride. Featuring meddling Sharpy, this is absolutely precious. Jonny is a florist, and Pat bakes a lot. An easy, breezy, feel-good fic.

do it like they do on the discovery channel - hazel

There’s a lot of buddyfucking in this fandom. This is the very best. “It turns out that buddyfucking your best friend without shit getting weird requires constant vigilance.” Spoiler alert: shit gets weird. Feelings happen. It’s wonderful.

there ain’t nothing please me more than you - vlieger

This is about Pat and Jonny spending part of their summer together and it’s just so very them. Once again, fantastic Patrick voice.

our song is the way you laugh - the—northface

Jonny decides that the best way to prank Sharpy is to trick him into thinking that he and Pat are dating. Pat gets on board with the promise of playoff mullets. Somewhere along the line, they aren’t pretending anymore.

Like Other Girls - blackeyedgirl-writes

There are quite a few genderswap AUs. This one is my absolute favorite. It tackles, realistically, the consequences of being a woman in a man’s world, and the dynamics between Pat and her boys is perfect. Also, all my love for girl!Sid and Geno, as will as girl!Segs. I adore this to pieces, every part of it. Even if genderswap AUs aren’t your thing, give this a shot - you won’t be disappointed.

Part II. For bookmarks, I’m here on AO3.

10/2011: “Tells the worst jokes: Me”

Hammer and Bicks agree with you, Captain.

Surprisingly, Tazer and Kaner tied for the honor of biggest momma’s boy with 4 votes each:
Kane
Sharpy, Tazer, Crow and Bicks
Toews
Stalberg, Ben Smith, Duncs and Hossa.