kandi letter

How to love the pastors daughter: a story of errors


Well not the pastors daughter
Because our pastors daughter was 1 when we first met
But she was the deacons daughter
He was one of the leaders in our church
And she was his baby girl,  the middle of three with two boys
Classic story I suppose

I was the troubled kid who played my music too loud
Running away from a home church that never quite felt like home
And a religion That would never quite feel the same after we met

The first night we talked
We tried to set up my best friend, he’s still single by the way
I was talking with my boyfriend
And you we’re almost 15
You liked our music taste
So we talked

The next time we talked
I was alone
And we drank straight fruit punch syrup before realizing it needed to be diluted
We took otter pops and sat outside the church talking

You fit nicely in our little group
My best friend and I had just lost the third member of our group
So you fit perfectly where she had left
And we had all grown tired of her

This is my first apology
Because I’m sorry I don’t remember how I found out
But somehow I saw the cuts and the scars
Somehow I knew you were hurting in the same way I was
I wanted to help you
I wanted to heal you

Than October came
And I know you don’t see it as important
But I do
Because the day I was suppose to go the Halloween party with you and your boyfriend I laid in bed bleeding and smoking half a pack in pain from the loss of my world
That weekend was a turning point
I made an excuse and said I was sick
You never knew I lied

Than Novemeber came
You broke up with him towards the start of the month
I walked you threw it
I helped you get it all together
You did well for your first break up,
I’m still proud

I never knew you saw me as someone different
This was when everything went south
Well, not till the last week
You had Christmas lights in your room
And the night you got drunk
You said it looked like dripping blood
You told me you loved me
I made sure you were okay

I waited a week
We we’re shopping for new years
I thought about it
Then I took the leap
I asked you out
Let me apologize for the second time
Because I never should of done that
I never should of hurt you like that
I’m sorry because of where it lead
And I’m sorry you regretted it

Than came new years
You had been out of town
I gave you a chibi moon and I had a sailor moon matching one
A call back to when you called me mom
You got me a stuffed puppy
Its still in my room
We kisses at midnight for the first time
I’m sorry
Because if I knew what would happen I never would of done that
I never meant to ruin the holidays for you

January
I’m sorry
Because this is when we broke up
My mom found a hickey you left
We didn’t talk for a week
The day  you and I broke up my best friend came over
She found me cutting on the bathroom floor
You had my name in your thigh , I would later find out
We had one last youth group, one last I love you
I never walked into that church again

February
You drank bleach because of me
I will never not think it was because of me, no matter what you or they say
I was dating my ex
We fought
Two days later you were throwing up liquid posion
I’m sorry I was such a horrible person
I’m sorry I wasn’t better

March April May June
These months are blurs
You dated another girl
We talked and didn’t talk at least a dozen times
Fought even more
It was bad
There was a lot of drama
I’m sorry
I was broken and let my edges cut you
I shouldn’t of Been that harsh with someone so fragile
I’m sorry

July
I’m sorry
I fucked up
I hurt you
I still hate myself for it
I’m sorry
This whole month Is my apology

August
We didn’t talk
It was for the best
I’m sorry

September
We met at a con
You gave me my birthday present
I stayed up and sobbed over it
I keep my cigarettes in the pink box next to the letter and kandi

October
It was slow
The first peaceful month for us
I was okay
I hope you we’re too

November
Full circle
I read your poetry and it breakS my heart
Because I want you as my best friend
You still see me as a girlfriend
I’m sorry