I know, I know. This meme is old news on tumblr already. But I just love it so much. So this is happening. If people were auditioning for Bleach character parts, in a musical, using weird songs, what would each of them sing?
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Hichigo, and I’ll be singing “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King.”
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of fake-Zangetsu, and I’ll be singing, “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head” by B.J. Thomas.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kaien, and I’ll be singing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kukaku, and I’ll be singing, “Firework” by Katy Perry.
“Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Aizen, and I’ll be singing, "A Whole New World.”
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Shinji, and I’ll be singing, “Upside Down” by Diana Ross.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Yhwach, and I’ll be singing “The Alphabet Song.”
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Hinamori, and I’ll be singing, “Great Balls of Fire.”
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Ichibei, and I’ll be singing, “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Shutara, and I’ll be singing, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider."
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Byakuya, and I’ll be singing, "Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kurotsuchi, and I’ll be singing, “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Hitsugaya, and I’ll be singing, “Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Starrk, and I’ll be singing, “Like a Cowboy” by Randy Houser.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Ggio, and I’ll be singing, “Eye of the Tiger.”
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Giselle, and I’ll be singing, “Zombie” by The Cranberries.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kira, and I’ll be singing, “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Grimmjow, and I’ll be singing, “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5.
Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Ulquiorra, and I’ll be singing, “I Want To Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles.
This one was actually requested before the “locked in a room” series became a series, but hey, it totally fits! So let’s say that Rukia, Kaien, and Ichigo all ended up in a room together. What would happen next?
Rukia: [looks from Kaien to Ichigo]
Rukia: [looks from Ichigo to Kaien]
Rukia: I’ve had dreams like this.
Ichigo: Oh yeah? Dreams about the three of us talking?
Rukia: Talking. Yes.
Kaien: So, uh, orange-haired dude. Why do you look exactly like me?
Ichigo: Oh! I’m your cousin - Isshin’s son!
Kaien: ‘Cause I was thinking more 'long lost twin brother’…
Kaien: Cousins look way more similar than I expected!
Ichigo: Yeah, I gotta admit. I heard you looked like me, but I didn’t quite expect…you know, this.
Ichigo: Wait a sec, Rukia. When Byakuya said that you rescued me because I “looked like him” - this is who he was talking about?!
Rukia: …you just got that now?
Ichigo: So…was I your redemption, then? Like, you saved me because you couldn’t save him?
Kaien: Either that or it was because she had such a giant crush on me!
Rukia: You knew??
Kaien: Of course I knew! What kind of dense moron doesn’t notice when a cute girl has an obvious crush on him?
Ichigo: Why is everybody looking at me?
Rukia: I-I’m so embarrassed, Kaien-dono! I mean, you were married…
Kaien: Eh.The heart doesn’t operate according to logic. Don’t be ashamed! I *am* pretty hot!
Ichigo: What? I’m pretty sure complimenting you counts as complimenting me.
Kaien: So, Rukia, I hear you fought the hollow who ate the hollow who ate me?
Rukia: I-I did, yes!
Ichigo: Rukia was the first of us to kill an espada!
Kaien: That’s amazing!
Kaien: Thank you, Rukia. I always knew you’d have my back.
Rukia: E-except that it meant I had to kill you again…or at least someone who looks like you.
Ichigo: Whoa. Whoa, Rukia. You’ve stabbed me like twice! What do you have against guys who look like Kaien and me?
Rukia: I STABBED YOU TO GIVE YOU POWERS TWICE, YOU FOOL
Rukia: BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOSING THEM
Ichigo: Still! It’s like this spiky hair brings out some sort of primal stabbing instinct in you.
Kaien: She is a shinigami, Ichigo. We shinigami tend to stab the people we’re into.
Ichigo: Well sure but I don’t see how that applies here.
Kaien: You’ve got your work cut out for you, Rukia.
Let’s say Bleach characters were given the opportunity to write their own (very short) eulogies. What would they write? And sorry there are just too many dead characters at this point so I won’t be doing them all!
Nnoitra Gilga was the strongest of the espada. He defeated Nelliel, Espada #3, on two different occasions. He defeated Grimmjow, Espada #6. He defeated Sado, a human. He defeated Kurosaki Ichigo, a human. He died in glorious battle. He was very very strong.
Nelliel: Interesting that he didn’t say what *his* espada number was.
Shiba Kaien, the lieutenant of Squad 13, died today. He has left behind his sister, Kukaku and his brother, Ganju. He has followed his wife, Miyako, into death. But this is not the end for Shiba Kaien! He remains alive in the hearts of his friends, like his captain Ukitake, and his fellow squad members Rukia, Kiyone, and Sentaro. He is happy that he did not die alone.
Rukia: MY HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS
His Majesty King Barragan, the god of Hueco Mundo, has died. May he reign forever in the hearts of his loyal followers, and may Sosuke Aizen choke on a dick.
Hachigen: I suppose there is no need to be subtle in death.
Yamamoto Genryusai was the founder of the Gotei-13 and the head captain for many thousands of years. Because of him, Soul Society was protected and many souls were guided safely to the afterlife. He was also the founder of the shinigami academy, thanks to which many new shinigami are trained and brought into this world every day. His beard was glorious, and his eyebrows inspiring. He gave his life protecting his subordinates and the universe. He must now leave the safety of Soul Society, of the universe, and of Hisagi Shuhei to the living.
Hisagi: As editor I am probably allowed to edit the last line.
Sasakibe Chojiro had one all-defining trait: he was loyal. Loyal to his captain, Yamamoto Genryusai, loyal to the Gotei-13, and loyal to the principles for which it stood. He died defending them all.
Kensei: Huh. Even his eulogy isn’t memorable.
Soi Fon: SHUT YOUR FACE HOLE
He died the way he lived - alone.
Kyoraku: Hey! I was there!
Tosen Kaname always believed in following the path with the least blood. He wanted to bring justice to a world in which there was no justice. Now, in death, he hopes that his friend, Komamura, and his subordinate, Hisagi, will remember him fondly, despite everything. He also wants the Gotei-13 to know that they are corrupt scumbags who deserve to be destroyed.
Hisagi: Except for me, right?
Komamura: You are no scumbag.
As the first Kenpachi, Unohana killed many people. As the first captain of the healing squad, she healed many people. In the end she discovered what she always knew: that killing is way more fun.
Kenpachi: S-she was so awesome…
As a mother, Masaki had three children whom she could not be more proud of. As a wife, Masaki had a wonderful husband who was occasionally cool. As a Quincy, Masaki protected those she cared about. And as a human, she did the same thing. She wants her son to know that her death is not his fault, and that if she could do it again, she would. She wants her daughters to know what she is sorry she did not have more time with them, but that she knows they will make her proud. She wants her husband to know that seven years is way too long for a memorial poster to stay up.
Karin: I TOLD YOU SO, DAD
They say that when you set off to take revenge, you should dig two graves. Ichimaru Gin only dug one grave. And it was his own. That wasn’t ideal. But he takes comfort in the fact that Kurosaki Ichigo has definitely killed Aizen Sosuke by now. Definitely.
Ulquiorra was the #4 espada, a loyal follower of Aizen Sosuke. He was the espada of emptiness, and he was really good at sewing. And in the end, he found the heart.