Yuri on Ice from Yakov’s perspective
- Yuri don’t let yourself get baited into a dance batt- I SAID DON’T GET BAITED INTO A DANCE BATTLE! GODDAMNIT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING SPONSERS!
- Victor! Mila! Stop encouraging them! AND STOP TAKING PICTURES
- Victor you’re not even drunk! STOP DANCING WITH THE SLOPPY DRUNK
- Why is there a stripper pole in here? Why is this allowed to get out of hand? WHERE THE HELL ARE CHRIS AND THIS DRUNK’S COACHES?!?
- Victor! DON’T LET DRUNKS HUMP YOU IN FRONT OF SPONSERS! NO, YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS ROOM! I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK YOU’RE IN LOVE HE’S DRUNK AND YOU’RE AN IDIOT! I’LL TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS ROOM BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY MORE BAD DECISIONS.
- *sends Celestino a strongly worded email about keeping an eye on his pupils in the future the next morning*
- Victor stop. Stop pining. You aren’t in love. No I don’t believe in love at first sight and I certainly don’t believe in love at first drunken humping. You’re right I’m not taking this seriously. He hasn’t contacted you because he was DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND! Did you see how much booze he downed? It’s a wonder he didn’t die of alcohol poisoning. Just stfu and skate.
- Victor no. It’s not a message. Victor no! Don’t give up your career for an ill-advised booty call! UGH if I can’t stop you just make sure our Yuri doesn’t find out where you went.
- WHY ARE YOU IN JAPAN TOO YURI! I COULDN’T STOP VICTOR MAKING AN ILL-ADVISED BOOTY CALL BUT YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE ATTEMPTING THAT! YEAH SURE YOU’RE NOT THERE FOR THAT I’VE SEEN YOUR ROOM! …NO ONE HAS 30 POSTERS OF SOMEONE IN THEIR ROOM BECAUSE THEY ‘HATE THEM JUST SO MUCH’ YOU’RE FOOLING NO ONE KID!
- OMFG did you really give him a program about the night he got sloppy drunk and you turned into even a bigger moron? You’re going to put me into an early grave.
- MILA! STOP POKING THE SMOL ANGRY CHILD! HIS SCREECHING HURTS MY EARS!
- Wait, why the hell do I have to go live with my ex-wife and the angsty teen? I don’t want to have to listen to a list of my failures or a catalogue of all the ways Drunk Yuri is the worst especially as it tends to devolve into ‘stupid pig, how dare he be so good looking’.
- Victor stop trying to pretend this isn’t an elaborate booty call. This is not how coaching works.
- I have the living legend who gave it all up to be a pretend coach in order to get with a sloppy drunk, a sadist of a female skater who stirs up trouble on purpose, an angsty teen who can’t tell the difference between having a crush and hating someone and an emo skater who is far too old to be as emo as he is. Kill me now.
- Maybe I was giving Victor a disservice. His student is actually doing quite well and maybe they are taking it seriously and HOLY FUCK NEVERMIND JUST KISS YOUR STUDENT IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD VICTOR YOU ASSHAT
- Yuri has calmed down and I’m just going to ignore Victor. Yep that’ll work OMFG did you HAVE TO KISS HIS FUCKING SKATE?!? THIS IS WHY YOU WEREN’T ALLOWED TO TAKE HIM BACK TO THE HOTEL ROOM! YOU HAVE NO CHILL!
- You want me to what? Be his coach? Well…only because I like Maccachin.
- You’re alright actually, I hereby allow you the name Japanese Yuri instead of Drunk Yuri. You may be the only sane person I know surprisingly. I still am going to tell you off for fucking up though.
- ….I take it all back. WTF was up with all the hugging.
- …They got engaged. Victor really is going to marry him….I’m not even surprised at this point. Fine. Keep him Japanese Yuri. He’s a pain in the ass anyway.
- YES! I AM A PROUD DAD/COACH! HAPPIEST I’VE BEEN THIS WHOLE YEAR
- WTF? You’re coming back now? Idek what’s going on anymore.
- Well done Yuri! I’m so proud of you for winning gold!
- …They are doing a super romantic pairs skate because of course they are.
- Okay so Victor is coming back to Russia to train cool….wait what do you mean you’re still going to coach Japanese Yuri? WTF? HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK? WTF NO.
Post Episode Twelve
- STOP FLIRTING IN THE RINK! WHY GOD WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED?
- STOP GROPING HIM VICTOR THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT
- YURI P STOP THROWING THINGS EVERY TIME THEY FLIRT
- I HATE ALL OF MY CHILDREN SO MUCH.
- YOU’RE ALL THE REASON I HAVE NO HAIR
Pray for Yakov