just want pizza


okay, i’m too stressed looking at election results (fuck you florida, get your shit together) so have a stripper au i was too chickenshit to post (bc i don’t really like stripper aus, so this was a challenge). i don’t think i posted this already, but i did share it with a bunch of people privately so my brain is all confused. ~1700 words, adorable cat named pizza

“Come here often?”


Eren looked around at the half naked bodies lining the stage and the horny middle-aged women screaming at them and Jean smirking as the stripper pulled him into the VIP room.

“Relax, it was a joke.”

The man pushed him into the dimly lit room.

“Sit, but try to only sit on one asscheek these cushions have so much shit and spit and cum on them it’ll make your head spin.”

Eren’s mouth hung open, still a little buzzed from the shots earlier until the words registered.

“You’re…not very good at sexytalk,” Eren said.

“Not paid to talk, I’m paid to dance,” the stripper said, teasing by dipping his fingers down beneath his thong.

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Graves: We are not moving to Chicago for like a million reasons
Credence: But Percy, pizza.
Graves: There’s pizza in New York
Credence: Right. Thanks, Percy, you’re so good at reminding me where pizza is

(Parks and Recreation; season 6, episode 21: Moving Up) 

pineapple on pizza is a fucking abomination fuck you and fuck anyone that had anything to do with it fUCK you FUCK: gemini, scorpio, taurus, pisces, capricorn, cancer

pineapple on pizza is a blessing and the only truly pure food on this tainted earth, i once shoved an entire pineapple pizza up my-: gemini, leo, sagittarius, aries, libra, aquarius, virgo

Me: “hi how are you? What can I do for you today? ”

Customer: “ I’d like a pizza. ”

Me: “ okay we can do that, would you like a small medium or large?”

Customer: “ large”

Me: “ yes mam and what would you like on the pizza?”

Customer: “ just a pizza ”

Me: “ um okay would you like like pepperoni or cheese or some other topping?”

Customer: “ no I just want a pizza”

Me: “ yeah but like what would you like on your pizza?”

Customer: “ Nothing i just want a pizza ”

Me: “ so you just want dough and sauce? ”

Customer: “ are you kidding me right now? I just want a pizza. With dough, sauce, and cheese. ”

Me: *internally screaming because I literally asked if she just wanted a cheese pizza* “ yes mam”

Customer: “ is everyone in here as incompetent as you? ”

Me: “ yes mam. That’ll be 7.27 and about 10 minutes.”

Customer: “ just don’t forget the cheese ”