Recently I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my ability to feel emotion. It’s not that I can’t feel others emotions anymore, I’m still very empathic, I just don’t have a great range of my own feelings right now.
At work I get annoyed with my co-workers fairly often, but it never lasts very long.
My Dad is visiting right now, he’s weak and tired all the time. I want to do things with him, but I really can’t. He’s here for my birthday which is nice, but now that he’s 71 and had numerous terrible debilitating diseases and a heart that’s only working at 50% most of what we do it’s sit on the couch and watch movies.
He has told me at least 25 times during this visit that he’s probably going to die soon and is making sure that I understand what is wrong with his heart. I can’t think of anymore ways to tell him that I understand and he doesn’t need to keep telling me. I wish we could just be able to enjoy this little bit of time we have together and not have to talk about your impending death constantly, is that so much to ask?
I’m not the one dying, so I guess I don’t understand what it’s like, but I feel like I wouldn’t want to constantly be reminding the people I’m trying to spend time with that my death is looming closer on the horizon every day.
But really, in the front of this, I wonder, where did my emotions go? Are they walking themselves away so as to protect me from the heavy shut I’m in the middle of?
I guess we’ll see.