Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Darker (part 10/?)
1. One day I will finish this book. But today is not that day. *sobs quietly in a corner*
2. Oh boy, Ana is seeing Christian’s therapist. This should make for an interesting (and by interesting I mean pretentious/boring/torturous) conversation.
3. Jeez, E.L.James, do you think that, jeez, you could, jeez, stop using the word jeez FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!?! Just wondering. Yours, an annoyed and very-close-to-her-snapping point reader :)
4. No romance book is complete without a character with a British accent. Check!
5. Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, haphephobia, Damascene conversion – Did I not tell you it’d be some pretentious shit? I did. Did you believe me? Noooooo.
6. The word self-abhorrence has been repeated at least 5 times in the space of a few paragraphs.
7. “Emotionally, Christian is an adolescent” – DING DING DING DING DING DING THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE LOL (no disrespect to teenagers, I used to be one, but he’s certainly not behaving like an adult)
8. Ana: “Why does Christian have to be listening?” – because he is always there. Always. Not moving. Watching. Watching you. It’d be a horror movie if there were a little ghost girl that wants revenge because she was brutally murdered somewhere. It’d certainly be more interesting, instead of the snore-fest that it is right now and that it has been since page one.
9. I’m honestly so bored with this book at this point. There’s no plot. Not even a semblance of a plot. Not even a plot-wannabe. Something, ANYTHING to keep the reader interested. Even the sex is boring. How can sex be boring? Especially when you write it and you can make it exciting. *shakes head* I can write a better book. My puppy can write a better book. A pigeon can probably write a better book. I’d rather read a book written by a bunny-squirrel collaboration. Imagine all the fluffiness.
10. He wants to buy a house. Okay.
11. Every time I remember Ana was promoted to editor fresh out of college after a week on the job, I just have this uncontrollable fit of laughter.
12. Ana: “I know now that we won’t be spending the evening talking through all our issues and recent events” – you NEVER talk, why does this surprise you. You have the most dysfunctional relationship I have ever read about. You either argue or have sex. Or have sex while arguing.
13. „My inner goddess is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes” – please read this sentence several times.
14. What even. Fuck-me shoes. What the fuck.
15. „I’ve ordered for you. I hope you don’t mind.” – he almost apologized. Almost.
16. „My inner goddess is on her knees, naked except for her panties—begging” – it burnssssss ussssssss IT BURNSSSS USSSSSS
17. „my inner goddess is incandescent with anticipation” – any chance she self-destructs? No? You sure?
18. Finger-fucking in the elevator with other people there. Ima just leave this here, kay? Kay.
19. „my inner goddess performs four arabesques and a pas de Basque.” - *prayer circle that she trips over a cliff*
20. Oh my, Christian has gone missing, the horror and fabricated drama are killing me.
21. Would it be too much to hope they never find him? It would. But hey, a girl can dream, right?
22. 50 pages, 50 pages, 50 pages. I CAN DO THIS
23. Incoming wall of text of Ana remembering the things that Christian has told her, how much he loves her, how much she loves him, all the mushy mushy crap that I simply cannot care about because I don’t give two shits about these characters. So in my head everything is blablablablablapleasestoptalkingblabla
24. „my lost boy” – then there’s me, perfecting the art of eye rolling
25. AND LIKE BY MAGIC, CHRISTIAN IS BACK. I’m so „happy”.
26. “I’m here. I’m good. It’s just taken me a hell of a long time to get back from Portland.” – what even hahahahaha. This is the worst excuse for drama I’ve ever read. Everyone was freaking out for nothing. But hey, when you need to fill the pages for the cash to drop in your lap, you fill the fucking pages.
27. Oh ooooooh, this is something along the lines of: you idiot, so many people love you and worry for you, even if you don’t think so. Okay, okay. Yes, I get it now. It’s still crap on a stick.
28. Both the engines of his helicopter had an electrical failure and caught fire. It seems people suspect foul play. Me? I just don’t give a shit *sips vodka*
29. SHE SAID YES TO HIS MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. OH EM GEEEEEEEEEE
30. My care boat is on the bottom of the ocean. So are all the fucks I give.