just like how she thinks as a teenager it need incoming cash

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Darker (part 10/?)

1. One day I will finish this book. But today is not that day. *sobs quietly in a corner*
2. Oh boy, Ana is seeing Christian’s therapist. This should make for an interesting (and by interesting I mean pretentious/boring/torturous) conversation.
3. Jeez, E.L.James, do you think that, jeez, you could, jeez, stop using the word jeez FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!?! Just wondering. Yours, an annoyed and very-close-to-her-snapping point reader :)
4. No romance book is complete without a character with a British accent. Check!
5. Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, haphephobia, Damascene conversion  – Did I not tell you it’d be some pretentious shit? I did. Did you believe me? Noooooo.
6. The word self-abhorrence has been repeated at least 5 times in the space of a few paragraphs.
7.Emotionally, Christian is an adolescent” – DING DING DING DING DING DING THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE LOL (no disrespect to teenagers, I used to be one, but he’s certainly not behaving like an adult)
8. Ana: “Why does Christian have to be listening?” – because he is always there. Always. Not moving. Watching. Watching you. It’d be a horror movie if there were a little ghost girl that wants revenge because she was brutally murdered somewhere. It’d certainly be more interesting, instead of the snore-fest that it is right now and that it has been since page one.
9. I’m honestly so bored with this book at this point. There’s no plot. Not even a semblance of a plot. Not even a plot-wannabe. Something, ANYTHING to keep the reader interested. Even the sex is boring. How can sex be boring? Especially when you write it and you can make it exciting. *shakes head* I can write a better book. My puppy can write a better book. A pigeon can probably write a better book. I’d rather read a book written by a bunny-squirrel collaboration. Imagine all the fluffiness.
10. He wants to buy a house. Okay.
11. Every time I remember Ana was promoted to editor fresh out of college after a week on the job, I just have this uncontrollable fit of laughter.
12. Ana: “I know now that we won’t be spending the evening talking through all our issues and recent events” – you NEVER talk, why does this surprise you. You have the most dysfunctional relationship I have ever read about. You either argue or have sex. Or have sex while arguing.
13.My inner goddess is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes” – please read this sentence several times.
14. What even. Fuck-me shoes. What the fuck.
15.I’ve ordered for you. I hope you don’t mind.” – he almost apologized. Almost.
16.My inner goddess is on her knees, naked except for her panties—begging” – it burnssssss ussssssss IT BURNSSSS USSSSSS
17.my inner goddess is incandescent with anticipation” – any chance she self-destructs? No? You sure?
18. Finger-fucking in the elevator with other people there. Ima just leave this here, kay? Kay.
19.my inner goddess performs four arabesques and a pas de Basque.” - *prayer circle that she trips over a cliff*
20. Oh my, Christian has gone missing, the horror and fabricated drama are killing me.
21. Would it be too much to hope they never find him? It would. But hey, a girl can dream, right?
22. 50 pages, 50 pages, 50 pages. I CAN DO THIS ican’tdothisican’tdothis
23. Incoming wall of text of Ana remembering the things that Christian has told her, how much he loves her, how much she loves him, all the mushy mushy crap that I simply cannot care about because I don’t give two shits about these characters. So in my head everything is blablablablablapleasestoptalkingblabla
24.my lost boy” – then there’s me, perfecting the art of eye rolling
26.I’m here. I’m good. It’s just taken me a hell of a long time to get back from Portland.” – what even hahahahaha. This is the worst excuse for drama I’ve ever read. Everyone was freaking out for nothing. But hey, when you need to fill the pages for the cash to drop in your lap, you fill the fucking pages.
27. Oh ooooooh, this is something along the lines of: you idiot, so many people love you and worry for you, even if you don’t think so. Okay, okay. Yes, I get it now. It’s still crap on a stick.
28. Both the engines of his helicopter had an electrical failure and caught fire. It seems people suspect foul play. Me? I just don’t give a shit *sips vodka*
30. My care boat is on the bottom of the ocean. So are all the fucks I give.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades of Grey masterpost

A very long winded discussion to myself about money.

Bottom line: talking about money is gross. I wish it wasn’t necessary and I try to avoid the topic. Unfortunately, we need it to do silly things like eat and stay warm during a cold night, so a part of me feels it’s almost a disservice to not address it, especially to younger people. 

I’m not a financial expert by any means. Luckily, my brother was an economics major who works for a gazillion-dollar (that’s a real number, yeah?) hedge fund company. I trust he knows at least maybe one thing or two. He was, in fact, the one that signed me up for a debit card and helped me open a savings account in middle school. Then in high school, he registered me my first credit card. He set a couple of ground rules when I started using it: 

Rule #1: spend no more than $50 a month. Rule #2: don’t spend money you don’t have AKA if you’re going to charge a $10 lunch on your credit card, you better fucking already have the $10 in your pocket to pay your bill later. There’s no such thing as imaginary money even though we can argue using certain episodes of South Park that the economy is a human made up concept and we’re all just playing gods with each other blah blah blah

He has me constantly checking my Credit Score since my family awkwardly has a bad history of using certain social security numbers that are not theirs to use (ahem, that’s why you’re only getting burritos for Christmas mom and dad). This is so you can make sure your identity isn’t stolen (burritos until you die, mom and dad!!!) and that you know what you should actually be paying back for loans. It’s really hard to rent an apartment or buy a car if your credit score is shitty and your parents can’t be guarantors because they now only live on burritos that their petty daughter buys them for every holiday. Parents make mistakes, too, shockingly. And those mistakes can fuck you up financially. So always be on guard with or without equally petty burritos. 

I had a job in high school cleaning up vomit at a local pool during the summer when little kids got nauseous from chugging chlorine. I probably saved something like uh, a hot load of nothing. A teenager with a paycheck doesn’t lead to a lot of smart choices. But whatever, lesson learned: you’re never too good for a job unless your boss, like, hits you or something. 

In college, I worked two jobs almost always on top of being on production sets (I was a film/TV major if that helps you understand). Most weren’t steady means of income. The best actually was working reception at my school’s gym because it was work study. I love work study for two reasons: 1) they don’t take taxes out of your paycheck, 2) all your co-workers are also tired students who will still always sing along to “Uptown Funk” with you every time it comes on the broken radio covered in stickers from the 90s. 

When I got my first “real adult job” my last semester of college, my brother had me sign up for a second credit card. Actually, he made me research credits cards and actually forced me to make a fucking presentation for him explaining why each card worked for my situation. 0% APR, benefits via points and cash back, you don’t need a high credit score to join etc.. Ultimately, you should be working up to having three credit cards; no more, no less. 

Good credit helped me put down some cash for a decent car with relatively low monthly payments. Good credit allowed me to rent from a clean, somewhat safe apartment without someone from my family putting down a signature. Bad life choices in general sometimes fucked me up the ass but at least I can drive myself to work, I guess? Life’s a ride, man. Ha! I see what I did there accidentally but not accidentally because typing is a choice. 

Other pieces of advice from my brother that is probably good but I’ve yet to put into motion personally:

  • start a retirement fund NOW. $50 a month will save your wrinkly ass in however many years it takes for that ass to wrinkle 
  • negotiate your pay if it’s negotiable - ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A LADY. Ladies negotiate less because we’re taught to be more agreeable in the workplace as not to seem like “a bitch” or whatever they call people who do their job well. Therefore, ladies don’t get paid as well or as much compared to their male counterparts who do argue for higher pay off the bat because of things like entitlement, difference in how genders are raised blah blah what do I know I’m a dumb bitch with a vaggggggg bro. 
  • ask about health insurance at work - staying alive and healthy (at least in America) is super expensive and exhausting! if your job doesn’t offer health insurance, they may be required to compensate you via your paychecks so you can pay for it independently. 
  • if you take classes outside of work that help you do your job better, ask to be compensated by your work. Don’t march in demanding it of course but in a lot of cases, that’s what the company is supposed to do. But no one’s gonna throw money at you if no one asks them to, ya know? 
  • save 10% of your paycheck and pretend it doesn’t even exist. 
  • only charge about 20% of your credit card limit, especially if you’re young and just starting out building up your credit. 

Now let me take a moment to address my fellow “creatives”:

Hi. Wasn’t “The Martian” like a surprisingly good movie? It’s like we all knew Matt Damon was good but I forget he’s that good. Ah, sorry I’m getting off topic. 

You’re creative and it’s your passion. Fuckin’ awesome dog. And you can’t imagine doing anything else for the rest of forever? That’s what I’m talkin’ abo—oh wait you’ve thought about being a lawyer maybe? Bro, do that. Hands down do that because being a creative is just only a little less thankless than being a public school teacher or something dedicated to social services. We’re pieces of shit compared to those people. 

But honestly, my main biggest issue lately has been the misleading lifestyles of young people via social media. A lot of these 20-something year olds in their nice cars, always somehow at brunch in Santa Monica aren’t stable. It’s an impossible goal to set up for yourself. Either their money comes from their families or these kids think $20,000 is a lot of money so they can just spend however much on shoes. Money from simply “looking good” in pictures only last as long as people think you look good. And it’s a lot of money in a really short time that ends up burning out. They’re not saving, they’re not the one paying all their bills, and they’re not thinking beyond 10 years from today. 

Do not strive for likes but strive for fulfillment through passion and hard work. Because at the end of the day, I’m not under the impression I deserve anything. I don’t even really believe in luck. Anything that I have or get better be because of my own competence and doing. A large anonymous crowd telling you that you’re good enough is nowhere near as valuable as yourself knowing you’re good enough. Does that make sense at all? Validation comes from within first. Make something and be somebody you’re proud of and not simply would admire from afar. 

Um, well. This has been a lovely exercise in “20-something year old thinking she knows anything at all while knowing very little and offering up unwarranted life advice even though her own life may as well be up in literal flames”. Thanks for reading. It’s late and all my words are probably mistakes. Better make mistakes than nothing at all then I suppose.