[BTS-Reaction] When You Pass Away Unexpectedly (A/T)
Helloooo~ It’s been awhile since I’ve post anything due to me being busy, BUT! I wanted to post this reaction that I wrote awhile ago but never got to post on here! It is quite a bit long, I was wondering if I should just put it under each individual member but then I thought, fuck it! Lmao, I hope you all enjoy!
P.S. Congrats to our boys for their BBMA win! Truly inspiring and a big step for K-pop! I’m so proud of them for chasing their dreams and not giving a fuck about what those haters got to say
P.P.S. I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE GIFS! CREDITS TO THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS! THANK YOU!
“She’s gone… She’s really gone…” Jin thought as he laid in his bed. The faint smell of your perfume lingered on his pillow and he couldn’t help but bury his head deep inside the pillow, as if the more he smelled it, you would come back. Jin closed his eyes as he remembered;
“Oppa! Aish~ I bet you don’t even miss me when I’m not here with you because you have Namjoon-oppa to keep you warm! I bet when I’m not here snuggling with you, Namjoon-oppa keeps you good company,” you had pouted.
“Thats right. Namjin is better than Y/N & Jin,” Jin had chuckled while pulling you into his arms and snuggling you closer to his chest. Kissing you lightly on the forehead and whispering love words only for you.
Jin opened his eyes, tears welling up. He missed you so much. He missed the way you mimicked his windshield wiper laugh and the way you cooked for him, even though most of the time they weren’t even edible. He missed the way you took care of him, looking after him. He was the eldest in the group and was used to taking care of the other members, he’d forgotten how it felt to be taken care of. The tears fell down as he closed his eyes, holding in the scream he wanted to let out. “How could you do this to me Y/N? I loved you so much, I thought we had forever….” Jin wondered thoughtlessly.
The living room was dark, the only light source was from the lamp lit besides the bed. The Daesang trophy sat on the dresser across from Suga who was on the bed, the trophy sat staring at him, as if taunting him. “We won an award today Y/N…. We got Daesang….” Suga thought staring at the gleaming trophy. The other members were out celebrating with Bang PD-Nim and the other staff while he had opt to come home, saying that he was too tired to party. Everyone knew it was lie, they knew he was hurting, but what could they say? Jimin had offered to come home with him but Suga had told him to go celebrate. He didn’t want anyone to suffer with him.“Why… did you leave me like this?!” Suga thought angrily as he stared at the trophy. “Why…” he thought as he closed his eyes tightly, suppressing the anger.
~Flash to the past~
“Oppa! Let’s go out to eat! We haven’t gone out in so long! Just one dinner and you can come back and work on your song,” you had pleaded going full-on aegyo mode. “Maybe another night, I’m busy Jagi, I really like the way this song is coming together,” Suga had replied not even turning to look at you from his computer screen. “Just one night, I swearrr,” you pleaded. Giving in, Suga turned to look at you, sighing and telling you, “okay fine, just let me save these lyrics and this beat and transfer it to my phone.” You had shot up from your spot on the sofa in the Bangtan Room and started dancing for successfully making him cave in. Suga smiled at your silly dancing, grabbed you by the waist and lightly resting his forehead on yours.Later at the dinner, Suga had ignored you, his eyes only on his phone, his lips wordlessly murmuring lyrics. The whole time, you stared at him, willing him to look up and smile his gummy smile at you and at least start a decent conversation with you. He never did. The only time he looked up was to order and to eat. When you arrived home, you had let him have it, complaining about him working all the time.“You didn’t even talk to me! We just ate- in silence! Because you were too busy writing down lyrics. Dammit Yoongi! You’re making me go crazy, I just wanted a nice evening out with you to catch up and eat and you couldn’t even do that. Am I not important? I understand your music and career is important but could you at least make a little time for me? Is 5 minutes too much to ask for?” you looked at him, holding back tears.
Suga had looked at you with annoyance in his eyes and shot back “Jesus Y/N, you are important, but you know I live for music and I was… I don’t know, I just had to write it down before I forgot it.”
“Yeah, I guess so, I guess I’m always the last thing on your list of things to-do,” you had said before turning away from him.
~Flashback to the present~
Suga opened his eyes, gasping for air. Yeah, he was a piece of shit. He should’ve showed you he loved you when you were still around. Now you were gone. You were dead. 6 feet under the ground, laying in a coffin that had been nailed shut. He had always pushed you behind, focusing on his music, forgetting about dates and text messages. Forgetting about you while you were at home anxiously waiting for him to come home or at least shoot you a text. “I’m a piece of shit,” Suga thought glumly. Looking at the trophy, Suga thought to himself in the stilled darkness. “All I wanted was a Daesang… All my life, I just wanted to be a successful artist, producer, and rapper. I was so focused on making music and winning that Daesang that I forgot I already had the best trophy with me. That trophy was Y/N. Now I lost her, I can never hear her voice nor listen to her snoring besides me. I got a Daesang. But I lost my one true love…” tears streamed down Suga’s eyes as he realized what a fool he was to lose you.
“Just smile. Smile, you can do that. You can do it,” J-Hope recited in his head as he smiled to the cameras. “C'mon, you do it better than that!!! I’m J freaking Hope!” he screamed internally. As the whole BTS moved on from the cameras, a reporter screamed loudly “J-Hope! J-Hope! How are you feeling?! How is life like after Y/N?” He froze dead in his track. “Y/N, Y/N, Y/N…. My precious Y/N…” J-Hope held down the urge to attack the stupid reporter. “No comment,” said Suga, as he glared daggers at the reporter making the reporter shrink back. Suga grabbed onto J-Hope’s arms and dragged him to the van, taking them to their photoshoot.
Arriving at the location of the photoshoot, every member had their individual shots for their upcoming album, as the photographer was taking pictures of J-Hope, the photographer suddenly stop, looked at J-Hope and said loudly, “Sir, your expression looks too dull, please, be brighter.” J-Hope smiled, well, grimaced actually. After a couple of shots, the photographer told him that it would do for now. J-Hope walked away from the set, too tired to even look at the photos. Once in the break/waiting room, he plopped himself down in the nearest seat and closed his eyes. “You know, holding it in isn’t going to do you any good, talk to us Hyung.” J-Hope heard Rap Monster say. J-Hope shook his head no. He wasn’t going to talk about it. He didn’t want to. “Leave it, don’t bother him,” Suga said somewhere from the room. J-Hope opened his eyes to see every member looking at him. He made eye contact with each individual one and lastly saw their manager walk into the room. He stood up and walked over to the manager. “Manager, am I done for the day? May I head back to the hotel?” J-Hope asked. The manager stared at J-Hope’s face before finally giving him the okay to leave.
Once alone in the hotel, J-Hope took a long hot shower and sat done on the armchair staring out into the night view of Hong Kong. Ah, Hong Kong, he loved visiting Hong Kong. The way the skyscrapers stood tall, as if they grew from underneath the ground and were reaching towards the skies. Reaching into his pant pocket, he took out his phone and opened up his iPhone. Your photo appeared and his heart did a double take. “I miss you Y/N. I miss you so much, why didn’t you wait for me, at least wait for me to see you one last time…” J-Hope cried. He glanced through all the photos you had once took on his phone, silly ones, laughing, sticking out your tongue. He clicked on a video he had taken of you, turning up the volume.“Look, look, look, I said look!!!” you screamed joyfully. You were dressed up as a horse for Halloween and were dancing to Dope. “I’m J-Horse, J-Dope!” you laughed maniacally as you did messed up the tricky footwork and tripped over the ridiculously long tail of the horse costume. “Aishhh~ My Jagi is so adorable!” J-Hope heard himself say as you continued to dance pretending to be J-Hope.The tears were coming out too fast now, his vision blurry, the video ended and he started crying, bawling his eyes out.
“I miss you so much Y/N. You were my happiness, with you, I didn’t have to pretend about being happy. With you, I was truly happy. I could be my true self with you, tell you my deepest secrets and you didn’t judge me, you helped me through my depression, even with antis attacking me and sending me hate through the internet, you had always been supporting me, loving me even when I couldn’t love myself. You accepted me the way I was when others couldn’t, and now you’re gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,” J-Hope lamented as he cried into the night, your photo smiling back at him on his phone screen.
***The song mentioned is Leona Lewis’s song “Yesterday” please go listened to it if you haven’t heard it, its a beautiful song!
~I just can’t believe you’re gone,
~Still waiting for morning to come,
~Want to see if the sun will rise,
~Here without you by my side,
Leona Lewis crooned in the background as Rap Monster sat in the kitchen eating cold leftovers. All the members were out doing there own things, with the exception of Suga who was sleeping as usual in his room. Rap Monster rarely listened to love songs. He was often listening to the latest rap song by his favorite artists and getting inspired by daily life to write his own beautiful lyrics. But on the occasions that he did happened to come across a meaningful love song, such as this particular song, he listened to it on repeat.
~When we had so much in store,
~Tell me what is it I’m reaching for,
~When we’re through building memories
~I’ll hold yesterday in my heart
Rap Monster slammed his chopsticks to the table, breaking them. He pushed the plate of tasteless food away from him. He didn’t have any more appetite. Not after everything that’s happened. He ran his hands through his hair, finally resting his head in his hands, covering his eyes. He let the music wash over him.
“I’m so tired Y/N… I’m so tired of fronting… Tired of acting like I’m fine.. I’m not fine. I miss you,” the unspoken words rung in his head. He gritted his teeth together as he reminisce about you-
~FLASH TO THE PAST~
“You know… To be completely honest with you, I don’t even see you as RAP MONSTER or Namjoon… I see you as… you. I don’t know if that makes sense,” you said catching him off guard.
“What?” Rap Monster had chuckled at you. “What do you mean you don’t see me as Rap Monster or Namjoon? My name is Namjoon, silly girl.”
“No.. I mean like, I know we are all given names from our parents, dumbass. But like, you know, when you’re RAP MONSTER, you’re tough and manly, not that you’re not manly now, but like you have this vibe around you. When you’re RAP MONSTER, you’re the leader of BTS, you’re the fierce don’t-mess-with-me-or-i’ll-cypher-you-up guy. When you’re NAMJOON, you’re the you that everyone in your close private life knows. The one your parents know, you’re childhood friends know. When you’re Brain Monster, haha, IQ148. Your members get to know both RAP MONSTER & NAMJOON. But for me… What I mean by being you, I mean that I know you. Well I think I know you. You let your guards down and you’re just being you… silly, full of aegyo, dorky, and kind of a sarcastic asshole at time, but caring and lovable. You’re a different Namjoon. I think that this side of Namjoon isn’t seen by everyone. Sorry, if this doesn’t make that much sense, i’m all over the place,” you had laughed at the end.
Rap Monster had sat there looking at you, processing what you had said. Sure, you didn’t make sense a little, but thats what he loved about you. You said what was on your mind even if it didn’t make any sense. What you said though, was right. He was a different person with you. With you, you made him feel exposed. Naked even. Although you were a little quirky, you made him feel so comfortable and loved that he soon let down his walls for you. You got to see the side of him that nobody else had seen. The one where he could be his true form, without having any worries. He could confide in you. Talk to you about anything, even if it was touchy subjects, he knew you would listen him out. You didn’t see him as Brain Monster with IQ of 148. You didn’t see him as Rap Monster. You saw him as a human being. As a delicate fragile person.
~Flashback to the Present~
~You always used to say I should be thankful for every day
~Heaven knows what the future holds or at least how the story goes
~But I never believed them till now
~I know I’ll see you again I’m sure no it’s not selfish to ask for more
~One more night one more day
~One more smile on your face but they can’t take yesterday
~I thought our days would last forever
~But it wasn’t our destiny
~‘Cause in my mind we had so much time
~But I was so wrong
~Now I can believe that I can still find the strength in the moments we made
~I’m looking back on yesterday
The tears he held inside for so long slowly made their way out. Snaking down his cheeks, dropping onto the wooden table. He laughed. Laughed out the pain. The laughing only lasted for about a couple seconds before he was gasping, clutching his side, shaking with sadness, crying in despair.
“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N,” he whispered your name over and over again as he continued to cry softly.
“Jimin! It’s kick, kick, spin, arms out, left foot, turn and jump!” the choreographer exclaimed as he ran his hand through hair.“I’m sorry,” Jimin replied. He hated when the members couldn’t get the choreography right and when it was him who was the problem, he hated it even more. He despised making mistakes. “It’s getting too late,” the choreographer said looking down at his watch. “Let’s all just call it a night and go home, get a good nights rest and we’ll do this again tomorrow.“ The rest of the BTS members nodded their head in unison and the choreographer left the room, leaving the members alone to gather their things and go.
"Jimin-ah, let’s go,” V said as he came up to Jimin. Jimin shrugged V off.“You guys go first, I’ll come home soon,” said Jimin.“It’s almost 3 in the morning Jimin-hyung. Let’s just go home,” Jungkook persist. “No. Just go, leave me alone,” Jimin said turning his back on them. “Whatever then,” Suga said shooting Jimin a worried glance but since he was so exhausted, he exited the room going home. “You better be home by 4,” Jin said sternly. Jimin nodded curtly as the other members stared at him for his reaction. “I know you’re upset, but don’t overwork yourself, you’ll just end up fried from it and it won’t be good for your health. Y/N wouldn’t want that for you. Just so you know,” Rap Monster said resting a hand on Jimin’s shoulder before heading out. Jimin locked his jaws. He so wanted to hit Rap Monster for mentioning your name. That caught him by surprised. He wasn’t a violent person. But with your passing, it had taken such a toll on him, his mood swings were out of control. Jungkook and V gave you a glance and without a word left.
“Want me to stay and help you?” J-Hope asked. He was also the Choreographer leader and the ever helpful hyung. “No Hyung, you go home and rest, I promise I’ll get it down by tonight and I’ll be back at 4am,” Jimin said hoping to persuade J-Hope. “Well, if you insist…” J-hope said as he gathered his stuff, giving Jimin a quick one arm hug and leaving the room. Finally alone, Jimin turned up the music and started dancing to full capacity. As he danced the new moves, your past comments about his dancing made their way into his mind.
“Oppa, don’t try so hard! You look good enough as it is!” you had said.FLASH!“Jiminie~ look at that jibootayyyy~” you had playfully teased.
“Omo, look at that little tummy! I like what I see! I like those cinnamon rolls better than those chocolate abs,” you had said smiling making Jimin laugh out loud.
Ugh! Jimin collapsed to the bare empty floor of the practice room, the music cascading over him. He laid on the floor, covering his eyes with his arms. He could feel the sweat rolling off of his body and he could hear his heart thumping loudly, as if it was trying to break out of his rib cage. “I hate this. I hate that you left me, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!!” he screamed. “I hate you Y/N! Do you hear me? I hate you so much! I hope you can hear me wherever you are?!” he continued to scream.Jimin crawled to the music player, turning it off and laid back down on his back. He had so many questions for you, why you left him in this world by himself. He thought he would get to be with his first love, he thought he would get to marry you and you would have his kids. He wanted you to be the mother of his kids. But now you were gone. You left without a word, and he never got to see you. He had been overseas promoting his new album with group when word got to him that you had gone back to the heavenly. Just thinking about it got him angry. “Why God, why?! Why did you have to take her back so soon…” he thought as he laid drenched in his own tears and sweat.
5 months. 5 months since you had left him without any warning. 5 months since you had died. Wasn’t it suppose to get better? Wasn’t the pain suppose to subside? Each day seemed harder than the last to V.
V took a swig of beer as some stupid love song played from Jungkook’s room. “Kookie-ah! TURN IT DOWN!!!” V yelled angrily. The music continued to play as V took another impatient gulp of the bitter beer.
~Flashback to the past~
“Oppa, do you know that drinking 2 or more alcoholic drinks each day can shorten your life at about 23 years? Please don’t drink! I want you to live with me forever!” you had exclaimed.
“Okay, okay, Y/N, I promise I will only drink on special occasions, other than that, I will try not to do it so much,” V had promised you.
“Pinky promise oppa?” you had said.
“Pinky promise,” V said as his pinky finger entwined with yours.
~Flashback to the present~
“Pinky promise my ass. Pssh. Yeah, live with forever, what a lie,” V thought angrily, downing the beer bottle, throwing it away and reaching for another one. “Liar, liar, pants on fire,” the accusations continued in his clouded mind. As he was about to open the new bottle of fresh liquor, Jungkook snatched it out of his hand, throwing it across the room.
“HYUNG! YOU CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS!” Jungkook screamed at him. “I know you’re hurt, but that doesn’t mean that you have to waste your life away. I understand Y/N is gone, but what?! You drinking is and getting drunk is going to bring her back?!”
“Go away you pest, sheesh, always in my way of things,” V slurred. Yeah, he wasn’t in his right mind. But the thing that was as clear as day in his mind? You. You were. He would try to sleep and you would invade his dreams. He would be drunk out of his mind, and all he could see were you scolding him, laying out drinking facts to him. “I know what I’m doing kid, just leave me be,” V said as he reached down again to grab a new bottle.
“This can’t go on any longer,” the harsh sound of the leader cut through the air like a knife. V looked up to see Rap Monster glaring down at him. V smirked and said “Wah? Wahcha gunn do?” Rap Monster glared at him and was about to say something when J-Hope stepped in. “V-ssi, go take a shower and go to sleep, go sober up. You look like shit.” With a last glance at Rap Monster, J-Hope, and Jungkook, V got up and slowly made his way to the restroom, knocking over things and laughing all the way.
A little sobered up, V walked the lonely cold streets of Seoul, drowning in his thoughts. “Maybe a shot of whiskey would make me feel better,” he thought. He looked up to the moon and swore. “Y/N… I just can’t believe it. I thought you said you wanted to live with me forever, but you were the one to leave me first. How can you say things and not mean them. What are words if you don’t mean them when you say them? Y/N…”
He walked the lonely streets, lost in his thoughts before walking into the park that he had taken you on your first date together. He walked until he saw the bench that you both had sat on, where he first had asked you out, then had proposed to… He sat down on the bench. Looking to his right, was your spot. Memories invaded him as he sat there motionless. You laughing there, you smiling and cracking stupid jokes. You feeding him strawberries, you just holding his hands and resting your head on his shoulder. God he missed you. He missed you so much.
“Y/N…..” V whispered your name as he sat on the cold wired bench letting the tears flow freely.
Jungkook sat against the walls, looking at the only picture he had left of you. A single polaroid of you sleeping peacefully with his jacket covering you, your hair splaying out in different directions. This polaroid, the only memory he had left. This picture, he took everywhere with him, stuffing it in his wallet, and looking at it whenever he missed you.
“I’m so sorry Y/N… If only I had made it in time…” he weeped silently. Some people say that he didn’t know what love was. Being the maknae that he was and his young age, people often assumed that he didn’t know anything. “You don’t know what love is- you don’t know this, you don’t know that-” the comments from strangers.
But god, did he know. He looked at your picture once again hearing your last words ring in his head; “Kookie-oppa… I… I love you so much. And I miss you. Please tell me you love and miss me too,” you had said.
“I love you and miss you so much baby, when I get back from tour, I promise to take you to eat at your favorite restaurant and we can come back and play Overwatch!” Jungkook had said excitedly not knowing you were on your deathbed.
you had chuckled faintly and told him, “I’d love to… Promise me to always be happy okay? And work hard, and love deeply.”
Jungkook had been confused at the time, not knowing why you were saying what you were saying but he had agreed. Then, you told him you loved him one last time and before he knew it, all he could hear were the sounds of muffled cries. “Whats going on?!” he had thought. “Jungkook, my daughter has passed away. She just wanted one last phone call with you and not let you know that it was her time. I’m so sorry son.” your father had told Jungkook chilling him to the bones.
With the news of you dying, Jungkook had frozed. You? Dying? When were you ever sick?! He was your boyfriend and he never once knew of anything, any diseases, illness that you had had. What kind of boyfriend was he?!
Jungkook continued to weep as he remembered your funeral, you had laid peacefully in the coffin, not one trace of worry on your delicate face. He had ran home, cried his heart out and yelled at himself for being a terrible person. His hyungs had tried to comfort him but it just made him feel worse.
“I’ve failed you Y/N… I’ve failed you. I loved you, I still love you. I love you, I love you, please just come back,” Jungkook cried as he stared at your photo.