just kidding i'm not fat

I realize

that if the worst problem you have is that you have to get up from your tumbling to go get ready for a school fundraising party wherein a whole bunch of suburban moms start out talking about their kids’ extracurricular activities but then get turnt af on $11-a-bottle chardonnay and end up dancing like a pack of assholes to the kind of music I only hear at the gym, that you’re doing all right, but – godDAMN do I not want to go to there. I have to 1) put on makeup, 2) pretend I give an airborne fuck about soccer vs. gymnastics vs. hockey or whatever else these fuckin people do with their time, and 3) not spiral about XF s11, my Special Feelings about GA, and/or the amount of space Gillovny takes up in my brain. Send me good vibes, y’all … I need your strength to tuck into my party clutch alongside my lip-plumping gloss.

If you don’t cry, I’ll give you your Snickers bar afterwards.
— 

Mother to a 3-year-old male patient… who weighs 50 pounds. (That’s at least 10 pounds higher than the 95%ile for his age).

Why Snickers? “Well, he’s always liked them since he was a baby, and he’ll do anything to get one.”

Looks like he’s done enough to get more than ONE, lady. Congratulations, though – I’m sure he’ll magically figure out better eating habits when he moves out of your home in 15-20 years.

8

I can’t wait to add 3 more to the collection :D :D :D

8 more days until I see my 6 favorite people! <3