I miss this place. I miss making funny things for all of you. I miss interacting with all of my wonderful followers. I miss meeting new people. I just miss it all so much.
But I’m afraid things beyond my control have kept me away. I just don’t have the energy or concentration to keep up with my tumblr. I have a hard time coming up with funny ideas. I have an even harder time finding a way to turn those ideas into posts. I’ve had to give up photography all together. I tried just eating a meal with my parents for my birthday, and after ten minutes of sitting up straight, I ran out of energy and had to lay back down. My chronic fatigue, my narcolepsy, my depression… they all seem to fight one another in an unending battle that just keeps getting worse and worse. It’s hard to describe just how tired I am. How fatigued my body gets. How my limbs feel like they weigh hundreds of pounds.
I’ve run out of doctors to see. Treatments to try. Pills to take. Injections to… inject. My only last real hope is to go to the Mayo Clinic. They have a knack for creating treatments for people with complicated medical needs. But there’s the rub. They are out of state. My insurance wouldn’t cover it. I’d have to stay for days or even weeks. I barely have enough to pay for food, much less a ticket to another state. At this moment, it just doesn’t seem like a possible option.
If there is a bright side… I’m comfortable. I’m not in any pain. I am plenty occupied with the internet, TV, and movies. And in the category of “mixed blessings” I am emotionally numb. No, I cannot feel great joy. Which kinda sucks. But I also cannot feel great sadness. No despair. I still get lonely from time to time. And maybe a little.. frustrated. But I cope with those things pretty well most of the time. I think if I did have emotions at the moment, they would all suck pretty hard. So I feel like at this point, it isn’t so bad being a little numb.
I have a couple of great friends that stick with me even when I’m a huge bummer. I have two amazing parents that take care of me when I can’t manage to care for myself. I have a quirky little dog that visits me from time to time.
I know there are chronic conditions that cause much physical and mental pain. I know I don’t have much of a life at the moment, but I am grateful that I can stay reasonably comfortable. Though I could go without the kidney stones I seem to keep getting. Having those removed is just awful and my last recovery period did not go well at all.
In any case, I just wanted to let you all know I am still around. I promise I am not giving up. But I am also coming to terms with the fact that I might not be able to do much about my situation. I will continue to seek out new treatments, medications, and even doctors that might help. I try to keep tabs on the latest research. Maybe some day they will find a key to this jail I’m stuck in.
You all have brought me so much joy. It has been an honor entertaining you over the years. This is by no means a goodbye. Perhaps just a “see ya later.” Take care of yourselves. Take care of one another. Stay strong. And perhaps keep me in your thoughts every once in a while. I guess it’s just nice knowing I’m not forgotten. Helps keep me going day to day.