just gonna throw his name in there

Why you shouldn't name your enemies

(Way back in the old days of the first battle of our campaign…)

DM: (to the Sword-cerer) A spear flops harmlessly over your shoulder. The goblin who threw it looks terrified.

Sword-cerer OOC: I’m gonna pick up the spear, set it on fire, shape the fire into a fireball and throw it at the goblin, looming over him in the most creepy way I can. *rolls an 18*

DM: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT’S YOU ALIGNMENT AGAIN

Sword-cerer OOC: Chaotic Neutral.

DM: Ok nvm you can do that. The goblin turns to ash, screaming.

Cleric OOC: I’m naming the goblin Steve

Rogue OOC: RIP Steve, his remains will be spread via catapult, as is customary in the Clusterfuck clan.

Cleric OOC: Ok I’m next right? I’m gonna attack the goblin who just attacked me. *rolls just enough to leave the goblin at 1HP*

DM: The goblin has a gaping chest wound, but hangs on.

Cleric OOC: OK THAT ONE IS UNDYNE

DM: Do you wanna fight a fucking Undyne the Undying goblin

Cleric OOC: HELL YEAH

Sword-cerer OOC: And [Cleric]?

Cleric OOC: Yeah?

Sword-cerer OOC: Don’t try to fuck the Undyne goblin

Cleric OOC: (who formerly had a crush on the actual Undyne) fuck you

DM: Okay but if you die it’s non-canon. The goblin’s left eye begins to glow, as does their spear, and they say “You’re gonna have to try a little harder than THAT.” in goblinish.

Rogue OOC: I ignore the bad acid trip happening a few feet away from me and stab the goblin that just attacked me. *rolls a nat 20*

DM: Yeah that goblin is very dead. As for the undying goblin, it slashes its spear at the Cleric and Sword-cerer, and you both feel green, but not in a sick way. You can’t move, but you both have a magical shields that you did not create. A rain of spears flies at each of you from all directions. Roll a strength, focus, or intelligence saving throw.

Sword-cerer OOC: I YELL DBZ STYLE AND WAVE MY SHIELD AROUND *nat 1*

(there’s a feeling of “oh shit” so strong, it can be felt through the computer screen)

Sword-cerer OOC: WAIT! I HAVE LUCKY AS A RACIAL BONUS! I CAN REROLL THIS!

(Once again, you can feel the anticipation through the computer screen)

*nat 20*

DM: Only three of the spears hit you. They’re surprisingly tiny, even by your half-halfling standards. They do… *rolls three dice* 6 damage total, counting the halved damage from your nat 20.

Cleric OOC: *rolls a 15 total on the saving throw, gets left with 2hp*

Sword-cerer OOC: Still yelling, I’m going to set my sword on fire and stab the undying goblin. *another nat 20, rolls one below the maximum on damage*

DM: Okay wow, you stab its chest wound, which has not healed at all, and is now on fire. I expected this to be a non-canon TPK that we would just rewind and laugh about, but the undying goblin is already mostly dead.

Cleric OOC: I’m going to try to smash its ribcage! *rolls an 18 total*

DM: It doesn’t have a ribcage anymore, but you still do a fair amount of damage.

Cleric & Sword-cerer OOC: *expectant :3 spam*

Rogue OOC: I’m going to try resisting the bad acid trip that’s happening to my left. *rolls a 3*

DM: The bad acid trip beckons you, you need to take part in it.

Rogue OOC: …I leap at the undying goblin and stab it. *rolls just enough to kill it*

DM: The undying goblin begins to melt, and says “This world will live on…!” in goblinish before dying. I honestly did not expect this.

  • *squad rescue Simon from something*
  • Simon: you didn't have to do that. You could of gotten hurt.
  • Alec: yeah well, we look out for our family.
  • Alec: *freezes, realisation of what he just said dawns on him*
  • Squad: ...
  • Simon: you consider me family? Omg i always knew you liked me. Oh man, we're gonna be the best of friends. You were always my favourite out of you and Jace. This is so great...
  • Alec: *packs a suitcase, picks up his bow and quiver, throws Magnus over his shoulder, tugs Izzy along with him, relocates to New Zealand, changes his name to Peter and stays awake at night due to horror.*

Marius graduating college but not planning on walking or anything just cause he figures what’s the point that’s a family thing right? and his only family disowned him but who cares it’s just walking across a stage big deal.

And then the morning of, he’s being shaken awake by courfeyrac who’s like “WHY ARE YOUVSTILL IN BED YOURE GONNA BE LATE EVERYONES ALREADY THERE” and before marius even has time to process what’s going on he’s pulled out of bed and courf just throws the cap and gown over his bedhead and pajamas like “no time lets go” and the freaking next thing he knows they’re at the graduation and his name is called and just walks into the stage in his goddamn pajamas thinking goddammit courfeyrac over and over. But then he hears cheering and such and all his friends (as in all the amis and co) are in a group in the center all clapping and waving. Courf and cosette are just standing like “THATS OUR BOYYFRIEND ” and marius just smiles softly and waves and remembers that yes you can choose your family

Kylux Porn Star AU

After talking to my friend about literally nothing, I just thought “is there a real porn star AU yet” but now there’s gonna be.
• General Hux has been in the business for the longest time and is known for his private school and military adult videos and is considered the best in what he does.
• Kylo Ren, or Ben Solo as that’s his birth name, joins the business coming from a pretty reasonable place and simply didn’t want to follow in his parents footsteps and gets hooked on getting into porn.
• His videos slowly climb to the top of the company’s charts and passes Hux’s in a short amount of time because of how much more appealing and muscular Kylo was in his videos, which made women more likely to watch his videos, etc.
• Hux is mad because this new kid got ahead of him and doesn’t think there’s anything special about him and talked down to him for the longest time.
• Kylo got angry at first but then settled by shoving his success in Hux’s face which only made things worse.
• Snoke, the company’s main producer and director, asks that if they both could work on something together, it would make popularity and support soar for First Orders Studios.
• They flat out say no; they really don’t even wanna be in the same room as each other by this point.
• Snoke knows how much this will get him and makes a deal that they just have to direct, they don’t have to be the ones being filmed but they have to make something.
• Both are less reluctant now because it would make their lives easier and Hux is interested in what his paycheck might be after this is over. So they say yes.
• By the time both Hux and Kylo get together, it’s a constant battle of shouting and insults when it came to everything. Neither one could sit down with the other to make a script or even think of a proper plot and casting is out the door with most people scared of being at the receiving end of their rage.
• After another day of barely getting anything done, Hux is aggravated enough to actually start another fight.
• Kylo’s just as tired and angry so he goes with it to the point of lashing out.
• One thing leads to another with them being angry and it ends up with them hate fucking in their own studio after hours.
• The difficulty was that Hux rarely bottoms and with him being pinned down and the sheer embarrassment he would feel if he asked to top would ruin the whole atmosphere because they’re both eager to get rid of the tension.
• Once Hux and Kylo finish doing the do, they seem to hate each other a bit less and Hux figures out that bottoming feels nicer than he thought.
• They continued to fight but they would just screw each other to help relieve their own stress and they got to actually work on production more and more.
• They end up starring in their own film anyway and sales for the DVD were what they and, more importantly, what Snoke was looking for.
• They begin making a 3 part series to the original porn video and the quality seemed to increase with each one because they go through the same method of making each one as they did the first. Practice makes perfect.
• Hux comes up to Kylo one day and just asks him to go out on a date which was kind of hard as he hadn’t gone on a date since before he started his career but Kylo seemed to be alright with it anyway.
• They go out a bit differently. Hux’s hair is not pulled back nicely and is just a mop of orange on his head and his freckles are showing because of no makeup and Kylo decides to put his hair up and not shave because he didn’t want to waste time on that if he didn’t have to.
• They have a good time together. Hux brings him to a nice restaurant that he would eat at for special occasions mainly because Hux was a picky eater and he knew Kylo would eat anything regardless.
• Kylo decides to drive Hux home and they’re actually surprised they didn’t lash out at each other for once.
• Kylo sneaks a good night kiss and basically sprints to his car in case Hux was gonna scream at him but instead Hux actually wished he would’ve kissed him longer but that would be for the next date he thought.
• They aren’t seen apart from each other very often in the work place and decide that being together might not be so bad.
(This is probably trash because I really can’t write so I’m sorry ; v ;)

In which Stan is kicked out of the Shack by the Author and is pursued by Soos

Stanley: What are you doing, Soos?

Soos: G-going with you, Mr. Pines.

Stanley: (grumbles) Oh this is perfect…may I ask why?

Soos: Because I work for you, dude. 

Stanley: No, you work for Stanford Pines. The owner of this shack. The guy who just booted me out. The name I’ve been forging on all your paychecks! So go back in there and do your job!

Soos: But I want to keep working for you, Stan.

Stanley: Stanley. It’s Stanley now. And if that’s the way you’re gonna be. Then you’re fired.

Soos: What?

Stanley: You heard me. YOU’RE FIRED! Here’s your severance package! (throws his fez at Soos. He doesn’t catch it. It just bounces off of his belly and falls to the mud) Goodbye, Soos.

Soos: (lip quivering) Bye, Mr. Pines. It’s been real.

Stanley: No, Soos. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t.

Shit I Have My Icons Named starter

Stole this idea from Monica aka nocentis.. so enjoy.. I modified them a bit from original titles to make sense

  • “First stare at abs then lick”
  • “I still fucking win”
  • “Sure thing, yeah, okayyyy”
  • “Step aside here I come”
  • “Swiggity swoogity oH THAT BOOTY”
  • “Tie dem shoes”
  • “Gonna just throw up again”
  • “Such a tired little baby”
  • “Well hi to you too hoe”
  • “What u wearing that for doe?”
  • “Whattya mean?!”
  • “Wonderful and all but”
  • “Yes, very dreamy like holy hell.”
  • “I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.”
  • “Water u doing?!”
  • “Tired lil baby 2 presh for world”
  • “Our smol adopted son..”
  • “Sharp intake of breath”
  • “Relax babe and breath”
  • “Not what was asked”
  • “NOW ur crying”
  • “No eye contact needed”
  • “Looks like I am”
  • “Leggo my legs”
  • “Kick open the door”
  • “Heheheheheh not funny”
  • “Head is in the game”
  • “Funeral day is tomorrow”
  • “Does not matter my ass.”
  • “Did not need to know that.”
  • “Achievement hunting”
  • “Got it babe!”
  • “Lez do it!”
  • “hoT FUCKING DAMN BOY PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH”
  • “Lick the anus”
  • “Movinggg on…”
  • “Mind if I join bb”
  • “I’m a pain in the ass.”
  • “See u guys laturrr”
  • “Ur body bruh”
  • “What a dildo face”
  • “FITE HIM NOW BITCH”
Talking Body



(a/n: based on the song Talking Body by Tove Lo, because I’m addicted. There’s gonna be a part two tomorrow I just was really excited to post this tonight and it was already over 2k so I figured to hell with it! THERE IS SLIGHT SMUT IN THIS SO YOU’VE BEEN WARNED, but part two is gonna be way worse >:3 anyways enjoy!)

You were a wreck to say the least, a bomb ready to explode, or in this case implode. You’d just gone through a really terrible break up, lots of yelling and throwing of things and volatile words being thrown around until you stormed out of his apartment, swearing that you’d only be back for your stuff and that you’d see him in hell.

You were staying at your friend’s apartment until you found somewhere else to live, now on your own. She’d offered to see if adding your name to the lease was an option but the odds were looking bleak. You were a little lost for lack of a better word. You’d spent most of your time in between school and work moping around the apartment, not really knowing what to do.

 “That’s it!” Y/F/N said as she slapped down the magazine she had been pretending to read, “tonight we are going out and you’re going to get drunk and it’s going to be fun.”

“I don’t want to go out tonight,” you groaned, perfectly content with wallowing in self-pity.

“Nope, not an option,” she said, huffily approaching you and dragging you to her room to get ready.

It was one of those battles you knew you were never going to win, and in a way you were happy she was forcing you into a tiny sequin dress and helping you do your hair and makeup, this alone was starting to make you feel better. You were sliding on your heels as she emerged from the bathroom, rubbing her hands together manically.

“So, the mission tonight is:” she smiled, “find you a guy to get your mind off of that fuck faced ass hat of an ex of yours. I don’t care if you just talk or if you fuck him in the bathroom, but either way we’re finding someone to get your mind off of he who will not be named.”

“Okay, mission accepted,” I laughed as I shook my head.

When we were in younger we used to treat going out like a top-secret mission. Every night had a purpose, and you could either chose to accept or deny the mission. Sometimes you would have to abort missions half way through if it turned out the guys were duds or something just went terribly wrong, which usually just ended up being something fun to laugh at later.

“Good!” she smiled as we grabbed our small purses, “now let’s go make this night our bitch!”



You’d had at least three drinks, and strong ones at that, before you even hit the one hour mark. You were determined to have a good time and if that meant putting on a fake smile until you were inebriated enough to have a real one on your face, then so be it. You and y/f/n had spent most of the night dancing together and scoping out the hot guys in the club, but she’d disappeared into the crowd, yelling she needed another drink, so you were now dancing alone with your drink. You moved your hips to the beat of the club music, tossing your hair from side to side. Then you saw him, the tall blonde boy who looked terribly out of place in the bright lights of the club. He looked like he belonged more in the rock show type of atmosphere, and from the look on his face he knew it too. You locked eyes with him, smiling lazily before up ending the rest of your drink and setting the empty glass on the bar.

You danced your way over to the boy who was talking to another tall boy with dark hair that had blonde streaks in the front, his arms laced with tattoos.

“Well,” you smiled confidently, “you boys look like the right kind of company I’m looking for! I’m Y/N, and what might your names be?”

At first they looked confused as to why you were talking to them, then they just shrugged at each other and introduced themselves.

“I’m Calum,” he dark haired boy said, his accent very apparent, as he shook your hand.

“Nice to meet you!” I squeaked, “Ya know, you look like my friend Y/F/N’s type! I wonder where she’s gotten to.” You begin to ramble, you were always a talker when you got drunk.

“And what’s your name handsome?” you turned to the blonde boy, who you now noticed had an eyebrow piercing, hot.

“This is Michael,” Calum said, throwing an arm around the boy and patting his chest, “he’s a little down right now. You see, his girl broke up with him and I made him come out!”

The boy gave you a small smile before shaking your hand.

“If it makes you feel better,” you say to Michael, trying to ease his tension, “I don’t want to be here either! My friend dragged me out here because I just got broken up with too; fucking asshole kicked me out of the apartment too. But that’s beside the point. Us girls, Y/F/N and I, have decided that the best way to get over someone is to get shit faced drunk and get the fuck under someone else, ya know what I mean?”

Just then Y/F/N caught you by the waist and nearly knocked you into your new friends.

“Y/N! There you are!” she giggled, not drunk but buzzed, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Here’s your drink and who are these lovely creatures?”

She hands you your drink and gestures towards the two boys.

“This is Calum and Michael,” you say pointing to each one, “Michael just got broken up with too!”

“Thanks for reminding me,” he half laughed, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to sound like an ass!” you apologize quickly, not wanting to make the boy uncomfortable.

“Don’t worry about it,” he smiled. Damn he was hot.

“Let me buy you a drink to make up for me being a dumb ass,” you say coolly, “we can drown our sorrows together.”

“That sounds wonderful,” he nodded.

You grabbed his hand, heat radiating off of his body, even in the huge crowd, and lead him to the bar.

“What do you want?” you ask as you try to flag down the bartender.

“Shots of anything, I don’t wanna waste any time.” He said with a shrug.

“Okay,” you smile, “let’s see if you can keep up big boy.”


After four double shots of some kind of odd tasting vodka and a rum and coke you were feeling it. Everything rushed around you in a haze, the lights blurring together in a colorful mess. Michael was no better, his words low and slurred. You’d some how ended up in the middle of the dance floor, his hands tightly gripping your hips as you both swayed to the music. You two had chemistry, there was no denying that. Just the simple act of running his calloused fingers down your arm sent chills down your spine. You were pressed into his front, grinding into him, trying to get as close as humanly possible. You could feel that you were having an effect on him to, his growing erection pressing into your lower back.

His hands started to roam around your body, getting more adventurous with every passing second. His hand trailed up your arm stopping at your neck to brush away your hair and deliciously trailing kisses up your neck, stopping at your ear lobe, capturing it with his teeth and tugging gently, causing you to moan quietly. You wanted him all over you, his body meshing with yours, and you wanted him now.

You turned around in his arms and hungrily attached your lips to his; not wasting any time with the sweet, simple kisses.  His hands wandered down your back before coming down and settling on your ass, giving it a squeeze. You tangled your hands in his messy hair, pulling him closer to you. You couldn’t hear it, but you could feel the vibrations coming from his mouth in the form of a groan.

He pulled away for a brief second,

“Let’s get out of here, yeah?” he pants before attacking your neck with his lips.

“Your place or mine?” you sigh as he nips at your sweet spot.

“Mine, it’s a short ten minute cab ride.” He grins at you, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

“Let’s go,” you grin back, pulling him in for one last kiss before he drags you out of the club.

He hailed a cab as you texted Y/F/N who’d disappeared with Calum about half way through the night, just to tell her not to wait up and that you’d be home in the morning.

“Y/N,” Michael said with a smile as he held open the cab door for you.

You slid in and he was right behind you, his hand falling dangerously high up on your thigh as he called out his address.

“Now where were we?” he turns back to you, before pressing you into the seat of the cab, kissing you urgently. It was easy to see that he was just as eager as you to get back to his place the way his hands danced wickedly close to your throbbing center. He was teasing you with every move he made, making you almost want to beg him to just touch you already. You were at the point of impatience now and needed to have some control, so you pushed him gently back on to the seat and threw one leg over his so that you were now straddling him in the back of the cab. His hips bucked up meeting yours, giving you some of the friction you were craving, coaxing a small moan from your throat.

“A little eager are we?” he purred into your ear.

“You know it,” you smirked against his lips.

You heard the cabbie clear his throat as the car stopped. You quietly apologized as you removed yourself from Michael and slid out of the cab. You saw him hand the man a fifty-dollar bill and told him to keep the change.

“Have a nice night kids!” he called before speeding away.

“You heard the man,” you grinned as you tipped your head towards the apartment building.

You kept your hands to yourself as you walked through the swanky lobby. It took you a minute to realize that you were in a hotel, not an apartment building. You thought about asking about it but you were far too riled up to give it a second thought.

You stepped into the empty elevator, Michael winding an arm around your wait as he pressed the button for the twenty third floor. The second the doors were closed you had him backed against the wall of the elevator, fumbling with his belt and the buttons of his jeans.  The floors passed at a slow enough speed that you were down on your knees in front of him and you were only at the sixth floor. You felt the elevator come to a slow stop at the twelfth floor. You both scrambled to make it look like there was nothing going on. When the doors opened and an older looking man and his wife, both in swim attire, stepped on you were innocently placed in front of Michael, covering his obvious problem. You greeted the couple as the pressed the button for the top floor where you assumed the pool was.

You could feel the bulge in his pants rubbing against your lower back, so you went onto your toes a little bit so that your ass was in the perfect position against him. You swayed a little bit making sure to make as much contact as you possibly could. You had to suppress the urge to laugh as he clenched his eyes shut and bit his lip.

When you finally reached his floor you bid the nice couple goodnight as you dragged him by the hand out of the elevator. He caught your face in his hands, kissing you roughly as you tried to navigate the straight hallway. You kissed and giggled all the way down the hall until you came to the last room. He hurriedly searched his wallet for his room key and in no time you were both crashing through the dark room literally ripping the clothing from each other’s bodies.

In a  matter of no time you were down to your bra and panties, a matching black lace set and Michael sitting on the bed in front of you in just his boxers, his hands wandering every inch of your body.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked between peppering your middle with kisses.

“I’m down if you are,” you said, looking down at him biting your lip, your eyes hooded as you pushed him back on the bed.

Part Two 

why does everyone assume harry would just throw away his last name and take tomlinson as his last name??? why does everyone assume louis WOULDN’T take harry’s last name???? why does everyone assume they won’t TAKE EACH OTHER’S NAMES?????