You know you’re fucked when you’re only 15 but yet it feels like the world could end right there and you would be fine with it. It’s fucked when girls and boys are so young but so depressed, so heartbroken. Feelings fuck you up, i remember when i was only a little girl and i had this whole life ahead of me and all I wanted was a boyfriend. And now after having one, I don’t understand why I needed one, it’s messed me up. Emotionally and physically, I am fucked.
He was the type of boy you could just see yourself lasting forever with, and that’s exactly what I did. He teased me so much that I used to sook about it, but that didn’t matter because at least he was making me smile in some way. He cared so deeply, and he was so sensitive even though everyone I knew saw him as this big tough guy. He was gentle, he was romantic, it was like we were 23 and just madly in love. Our relationship was beyond what you would expect at such a young age, but we were just so maturely in love. But that’s the thing, i’m not 23, i’m so young and now i’m heartbroken and it’s not as simple as going out every night to get him out of my head. I have to sleep early because of school, i have to go to school, I have to study and commit to all of my commitments and it’s impossible to get him out of my mind. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was genuinely my best friend and sometimes we fought as best friends would. But no matter how we were fighting, we fought as hard as we could for each other because that’s what love does to you. But one day i guess he just decided to stop fighting, and it wasn’t like I was expecting it. We always swore we would fight for each other, fight for the relationship, fight for our fucking love but he didn’t want too anymore. He didn’t want me anymore, and i can say with all my broken heart that killed me. It’s the worst thing to wake up happily in love and then go to bed broken because you’ve lost the reason why you even got up that day. He said he lost feelings, but I can’t place when. When did he lose feelings? With all of that sweet talk, the kisses, the texts, the calls, the hugs, everything and at some point he somehow started to lose feelings. And it hurt and surprised me so much because everyone knew that he was crazy about me. I saw parts of him that he would never dare to show anyone, we were so comfortable with each other and we allowed each other into our hearts but for some reason he just didn’t want that anymore. I can not place that all in my head, how you can suddenly lose interest in something you once loved. And it wasn’t like the hurt stopped there, no a month later he found himself with another girl. Making all the memories, the love, the jokes, that we were once doing. And the weirdest thing is, everyone around him can see that he doesn’t love her. Not the way he loved me at least. And i can’t seem to process the thought of why you would throw away a diamond for a fake one. Why would you throw away your perfect girl for someone who doesn’t even come close? Fuck, she’s not even pretty and yet i feel like i have to compete with her. And every month goes by, and they are still going strong and for some reason my brain still can’t process it. I still can’t believe that he’s moved on from me because love doesn’t just go away. You can’t just get rid of love because you don’t want it anymore, feelings don’t leave when you ask them too. So what is he doing with her when he can be with me? I’ve never been the girl to wait for someone, i always want to try with everyone but for some reason i am constantly drawn to him, as if he’s truly made for me and i think he is. I think he’s the love of my life and maybe i’m just not his. But when you love something you don’t just let it go, you fucking fight like crazy for it and i can promise everyone i would never go down without a fight. Okay maybe he’s happily in love with her, but what about me? What about my love for him? That doesn’t just go away, that doesn’t get excluded so fuck society and their expectations. Fuck everyone who thinks i won’t succeed. I know what I want, and i’ve never been so determined to get it.