just because this is so hilarious to me

bizarre kindergartner quotes

so i work at a summer camp and the 5 yr olds in my group say weird shit


“We never sleep. It’s because of the dreams.” (identical blonde blue-eyed twin girls, in perfect unison)

“My mouth is full of holes.”

I’M IN FLAMES

“My mom tries to be as pretty as me but she isn’t.”

“Cats are like dogs but angrier.”

“They have to have butts! GIVE THE SNOWMEN BUTTS!”

“Our airport doesn’t need a McDonalds!”

“I wish I were a red panda!”

“I don’t want to move to the rainforest it’s full of snakes.” (We weren’t even talking about the rainforest or snakes)

“Feel this!!” *presses my entire hand to a hunk of Play-Dough*

“Miss Elena, can I tell you a secret? One time I washed the dishes and I really liked it.”

“These are my buttons. This button is for lasers, this button is for the sky, and this button is to turn into a horse.”

“You need to put a little more lightning strike into it.”

“Is ‘ah-men’ Spanish for Amen?”

youtube

In my personal opinion, Ogata Haruka  Haruna is such a bad singer. She doesn’t stand out much and sometimes I even forget her name or mistake her for Haga Akane. So I call her “Mukidashite girl” because they way she sang it while recording it in this video @39:56 was SO HILARIOUS to me. She sounds like she’s drunk at a karaoke bar singing it. I’m sorry, but it’s so funny! xD

I don’t hate Ogata (Haruna) by any means but the girl is tone deaf and has a voice clearly not made for singing. You don’t just easily fix that. Even so, she HAS improved from her audition. 

the only guys i ever go after are Straight Guys TM because i know they’ll never actually go for it but watching them consider it is both Empowering and hilarious

I did that to a guy with a girlfriend because I am a really bad person

but he was also a giant republican and nothing actually happened so whatever i’m not technically a homewrecker that’s just The Dream

allows me to get my flirty jollies without ever having to risk emotional entanglement -finger guns- ftw

triscuitsandsoup  asked:

#9 for Department Six please n.n

  • 9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

Short answer: nope! I did start writing an ending where somehow all the FBI peeps ended up in Beacon Hills to go tot he rescue of Stiles, Danny and Rafa, but it just got too confusing, so I decided to have the werewolf reveal at Addison and Mueller’s wedding instead. 

Also, when I started writing it, none of the people from the little “one time” scenes were going to come back into play, but it turned out Addison was a lot of fun to write, and it occurred to me that it would be hilarious if he ended up working with these little assholes he hated from Quantico, 

And also Hastings had to come back again, because I wanted him and Danny to end up together! 

crazy-fruit  asked:

Did you just suggest a Scrubs AU for Rogue One?!?!!! (Gimmmeeeeeeee! Or at least tell me who would be which character)

Oh man that show is hilarious and I just saw that picture of Felicity in scrubs from Inferno and I love Scrubs but now that I’m stopping to think about it, I’m not sure who I would make who? (Partially it’s so difficult because Scrubs is a a comedy and Rogue One is, well, not, that all of these characters would be horrifically OOC)

I mean, obviously Kay and Cassian become JD and Turk (can’t break up the BroTP) but I don’t really like Elliot, so I would want to make Jyn Carla. I’m completely blanking out on the guy’s name, but there’s that nervous resident that I vote becomes Bodhi. Voting General Draven as Dr. Cox (though I’m not sure who Dr. Kelso would be then?!) and Krennic as the Janitor. Also, would be it slightly sacrilegious to suggest Chirrut as Todd? Probably.

But, seriously, if you guys have any ideas, send them to me! My brain is excited by this idea, but not quite certain how to make it work?

Otherwise, if I were to write a Scrubs AU (and damn does that sound tempting), I would not necessarily base it off the direct set of characters from Scrubs, because they just don’t line up that well, unfortunately. But I’m a sucker for both humorous medical shows and Rogue One, so we’ll see if I can come up with anything :)

ok don’t get me wrong the ‘salt and pepper diner’ bit is hysterical, but john mulaney has so many more hilarious stories that no one seems to talk about:

•the party at the house of the teacher that everyone hated

•the dog trainer

•meeting bill clinton

•“hUSH!”

•“-too old to be a duckling, quack, quack!”

•“eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”

•literally any story involving his parents (especially the black coffee one)

just please, do yourselves a favor, don’t just stop at ‘salt and pepper diner’, listen to all this guy’s stories because they are gold

sometimes my mom will ask me if i have any advice to help my little sister navigate the treacherous waters of high school and i will never understand why she thinks i can help because in high school i

  • had such a goddamn mess of a backpack it took me ten minutes to find everything, which you would think would inspire me to organize it, but instead i started keeping a rubber chicken and a giant key and a wooden spoon and a fake bag of blood in there so that while i was hunting for my homework i would end up pulling these things out thus transforming my inability to find anything into a hilarious bit instead of a failure of executive function
  • would intermittently become convinced that i had a really obvious moustache and everyone was going to be staring at my awful girlstache, so i would paint on a clark gable stache with liquid eyeliner, thus ensuring that everyone would definitely be staring at my moustache and i wasn’t just paranoid
  • would have emotionally delicate days where i could tell i was going to end up crying for no goddamn reason so i would bring a three-foot tall stuffed toy dog with me, because a teenaged girl crying for no reason is a cliche but a teenaged girl crying into a comically large stuffed dog is performance art
  • dropped out after two years because i felt like i got the gist

ok ok listen i know a lot of people have been bringing up the fact that they dont like brooklyn nine nine because they feel like it’s a “pro-cop show” and it’s “idolizing a gross system” but like?? please try to understand that that is not the point of this show at all?? they have explicitly stated the problem with the police system in one of the episodes, where amy lists real concerns and holt puts up a poster that says “tell us how we can be better.” this is one of the very few shows who i see actually addressing real problems like gun control issues, homophobia, racism, and transphobia (it was just a mention, but still way more than any other show), while still being lighthearted and hilarious. just because this show is set in a cop setting does not mean they are praising anything?? please don’t diss an genuinely funny, good show so quickly because of that. it’s not perfect but it’s trying so much more than anything else on tv right now.

Okay, there’s something about Voltron that I’ve been pondering for awhile and I strongly feel the need to point this out because I have yet to see anyone else do it.

Haggar is voiced by Cree Summer (one of my favorite voice actresses of all time, but I digress) and in the Belly of the Weblum episode we hear Cree Summer’s voice again, as the mascot Weblum for Coran’s video.

The reason this happened can only logically be one of two reasons.

1. They just got Cree Summer to voice a second character which is a common thing to do, and heck the lady can do a lot of different voices.

Oooor

2. Haggar knew Coran when they were both younger, and somehow she got pulled into putting on the weblum costume to do his instructional video, and frankly I’m hoping that is the case because that is freaking hilarious.  She probably thinks this video got destroyed, so just imagine her rage upon learning that not only does it still exist but the paladins, her enemy, have seen this.

This is my new headcanon and no way can take this away from me.

Steve Trevor is definitely trans hear me out

- I’m going through this scene by scene y’all get ready

- Kay so, when diana rescues him he’s immediately anxious when she asks him “You’re a man…?” I could almost taste the “oh god am I suddenly not passing??” fear in his eyes

- He doesn’t say something like “of course I am” or “yes haven’t you ever seen a man??” instead he goes straight for “Yeah, uhm…don’t I look like one?” this is not something a cis man worries about

- Side note: if y’all come at me with “oh he says steve is his name when they use the lasso of truth on him so he must be cis” l i s ten his name is steve. Why would he answer that question any other way? Also, I’d like to note, in the comics when Batman was asked the same question while holding the lasso of truth, he answered with Batman, not Bruce Wayne. The lasso makes you answer what YOU believe is the truth. Steve’s deadname isn’t his “true name” steve trevor is obv

- Consider: we know there were LOTS of women who cross-dressed in wwI in order to fight. What if that’s what steve did to join the military when he was much younger, but then he realized oh…maybe there’s more here going on than I thought

- HRT became available after WWII largely due to this guy, and in this superhero universe of Scientific Inaccuracies and Magical Goddesses Made From Clay, it’s not entirely implausible that HRT couldn’t have become available a few decades earlier in some capacity (alan hart is amazing, please read more about him)

- Okay, the bathroom scene: Steve panics at first when diana walks in on him, because he’s like SHIT CANT REVEAL MY WEIRD JUNK but when its clear shes not going to be weird about it, he stops trying to hide

- diana specifically says “are you considered average for your sex” not gender. And we know from later during the scene on the boat that she must know the difference, because she read the 12 volume collection on genitals and what you can do with them

- So diana’s like “well that’s not what I was expecting at all” and what she says is basically the more subtle, educated way of saying: dude why don’t you have a penis and balls

- And when steve answers above average, he’s basically saying “yeah, im trans, go me, deal with it”

- Just saying, him being trans makes this entire interaction and every one after that where steve is trying to explain western gender norms to diana significantly more hilarious

- Moving on: the boat. Diana asks about marriage and Steve answers two people go in front of a judge etc etc. then when she asks why they get married, even if they’re unhappy, steve says he doesn’t know. Marriage is as mystifying to him as it is to her. If that isn’t queer then idk what queer is

- The “this confuses me just as much as it does you” look on his face throughout this entire interaction

- His interest in her books about sex: as a trans man in an age when sex for the pleasure of vagina owners was basically unheard of/considered sinful, of course he’s interested

- The soft “no” when she says the books ultimately say men are unnecessary for pleasure; no as in utter disbelief, more like “no way can I read this??” than “no omg sex needs a penis and a vagina what are you talking about”

- Lastly: it makes SO much sense for steve to become a spy. Trans people are excellent liars. They have to be in order to survive. Steve obv would have made it through his entire military service without letting on that he was trans, so he knows he’s totally capable of lying his way into german high command

- This has so much fanfic potential, I am dying

- Go forth and write all the fanfic about diana teaching steve the secrets of her 12 volumes about sex

things I love about Steve Trevor
  • He makes sure he actually thanks Diana for pulling him out of the water
  • The only time he ever expresses doubt to Diana about any of her beliefs is when he’s trying to convince her not to jeopardize the mission by killing Ludendorff, and even then it’s a hypothetical (“what if”)
    • He also does after she kills Ludendorff but that’s after her belief is shattered so I don’t really count it
  • He is so duty-bound I love him so much no wonder he and Diana got along so well
  • He just. Wants the people around him to be happy? The scene after they rescue Veld always kills me, and two parts in particular: 
    • When Charlie starts playing piano and singing and Steve says “I haven’t heard him sing in years…” and his face is all soft and you can see the shadow of a smile tugging at his lips but you can also see all the sadness in his eyes from those years of him not singing
    • And when he’s dancing with Diana and it starts to snow and she looks up and is so confused and delighted and he’s like “it’s snow… go on, touch it” and she does (also she has to let go of his hand to do it and he still encourages her to? such a small thing but oh man my heart) and he looks at her with such heart eyes
    • Honestly Chris Pine played him so well, so much complex emotion depicted even when he’s not speaking, like jfc well done
  • I love the boat scene, partly because it’s just fucking hilarious but mostly because their conversation is so respectful. She tells him she was sculpted from clay and brought to life by the breath of Zeus and his reaction is just to raise his eyebrows and say “Well, that’s neat.” 
    • I know that could read as sarcastic but it doesn’t to me at all. It’s funny, sure, but he isn’t making fun of her. It’s genuine and kind, even when what she’s saying is fairly unbelievable.
    • Just the entire way they speak in this scene… He never adopts that Mansplaining Tone™ that is so common, even when he’s actually explaining things. He talks because he wants to share information. It’s a cultural exchange, and I loved it.
  • After Veld, when they’re sitting and watching the villagers dance, he just quietly says, “You did this.” and she’s the one who smiles at him and says, “We did this.” He has so much respect for her and it kills me inside because it’s not “We did this” originally (which could be him pointing out that they’re a good team, him saying they have things in common, or a thousand other things), it’s just “You did this,” because he just wants her happy. He wants her to recognize how goddamn impressive she is. There is no agenda to what he said and it fucks me up
  • The entire scene with the kiss. Like, I’m gay as hell, usually I hate this kind of thing because it feels so unnecessary, but this was so well done I’m genuinely glad it was included
    • When he escorts her up to a room he then starts to leave. Even with all of that tension he doesn’t want to assume that she wants anything to happen. 
    • So he has his hand on the door and he starts to back out of the room and he hesitates just long enough for her to turn around and meet his gaze. And even then he’s reading that as a sign that she wants him in the room so he steps forward and closes the door behind her and then looks up again to confirm that’s what she wanted. And even after that, he crosses over to her so slowly and lets her be the one to actually initiate the kiss. 
    • He gives her a thousand and one chances to change her mind, to give him a small indication that she’s uncomfortable or doesn’t want it to happen, and it’s only once she lets all of those chances pass that they kiss. 
    • Consent-based relationships, man. Fuck me up.
  • Speaking of consent… the scene after Diana returns to Veld and sees the gas has killed everyone fucks me up
    • Steve’s followed her there and is clearly freaked the fuck out because she’s just gone and he physically can’t go in to try to find her because of the gas
    • So when she comes out he’s so visibly relieved and he goes forward and puts his hands around her face, clearly wanting to kiss her, and she shoves him away and says “stay away from me.” and he does.
    • He lets her be furious and devastated and overwhelmed because he knows what it’s like to feel powerless and I think he is genuinely sorry he contributed to her feeling this much pain. He lets her say she’s angry, he lets her blame him, he lets her grieve and doesn’t stop her when she leaves him there.
    • Not only does he not stop her, he sees the smoke from Chief’s fire and yells to her to follow it because he had followed Ludendorff. Their argument from the ballroom still isn’t resolved - she wants to just kill him and be done with it, Steve wants that to wait so they can focus on stopping the gas - but he recognizes that this is her choice and even after she’s basically just blamed an entire village’s deaths on him (and on herself) he tries to help her carry it out.
  • So after Diana’s killed Ludendorff and the war is still going on and Steve runs up to find her, he’s so visibly relieved that she’s alive and (like after Veld) goes to kiss her but backs away without her doing anything because he realizes the “stay away from me” thing has never been explicitly lifted. She might still want nothing to do with him and he respects that.
    • He does touch her a couple times after this but it’s always brief, I think it continues only because she didn’t react negatively the first time, and like they’re in the middle of a fucking war and I think Steve’s about 900% convinced that they’re all going to die so I’m gonna cut him a little slack here.
  • They have that “argument” again, where Diana says “this should have stopped, I killed him, why is this still going on” and instead of saying I told you so Steve just tries to get her to move on and help him save other people.
    • When he says “maybe it’s us! maybe we’re to blame!” (meaning not Ares) and she says that (obviously) she isn’t to blame, he doesn’t hesitate, he just says “but maybe I am.” He’s willing to put that on himself. Also, the qualifier through this scene - but maybe it’s us - is so important to me, because he’s still not saying “you’re wrong.” it’s a maybe.
    • When she refuses to go with him he’s clearly frustrated (again I’m giving him a pass here because he’s frustrated because he knows he won’t be able to save as many people without her) but he still doesn’t try to force her to go with him. He doesn’t guilt-trip her, doesn’t yell at her for not helping. He just gives that desperate shrug and says “I have to go. I’m sorry, I have to go.”
    • And when Charlie and Sam and Chief show up and ask where Diana is, all he says is “we’re on our own.” Not “she wouldn’t fucking help us” - which frankly is probably what I would have said in this situation - just that statement and nothing more.
  • In their final scene, when she’s hurt and dazed and temporarily hard of hearing, he breaks his “no touching” rule, but he breaks it because he’s helping her stand up and then because, well… even if she doesn’t, he knows he’s never going to see her again. 
    • It’s also super important to me that he doesn’t try to kiss her in this scene, because god knows he must have wanted to. He sees that she is in no shape to consent to anything like that and he doesn’t even come close to pushing it.
    • I’m not even gonna get into the “I can save today” part because I’m still too emotionally fraught
    • He says is “I wish we had more time.” before he tells her he loves her and literally runs to his death. That’s it. Nothing that could possibly make her feel guilty, nothing that could have seemed like he regretted anything. Not “I wish we hadn’t gone to the front.” Just “I wish we had more time.”
    • And he then, metaphorically and literally, gives her more time. Because he knows his clock has run out, but that doesn’t mean hers has to… So he runs and saves today and gives her his watch. Gives her time.
  • Anyway I’m seventeen thousand levels of fucked up from this movie, please feel free to add because Steve is amazing and a genuinely good, complex, respectful male character like this should be celebrated
Why “Beauty and the Beast” was actually pretty great:
  • the music is not good, it’s great
  • production design, costumes (even the freaking yellow dress which is actually quite gorgeous on camera), everything is truly beautiful and quite breathtaking at moments
  • the acting was surprisingly wonderful. it’s disney, it’ll be cheesy at moments—but for the most part, it was terrific
  • this is not a childish adaptation
  • when it gets dark, it gets DARK. 
  • g a s t o n
  • new songs! new character development! 
  • the cgi is not even that bad. in fact, there are moments when it’s pretty seamless. the practical sets and effects compensated for it, in my mind.
  • and when it’s wonky? you won’t care because you’ll be too busy smiling
  • there is some hilarious shit in this movie
  • the beast’s expressions are actually amazing; you can really see the actor moving beneath them 
  • T H E    M U S I C
  • you get to see little kids and adults all freaking out the whole time
  • SIR IAN MCKELLEN PLAYS A CLOCK AND IS AWESOME AT IT
  • emma watson will make your heart stop she is so beautiful
  • sneaky political/ethical gestures that made me cheer
  • this movie is so pure and we need that right now
  • and by the end? i just started laughing and crying—in excess joy. i couldn’t believe it. i’ve never been moved by a movie like that in my life.
  • it won’t please everybody but if you loved the original and if you are prepared to attempt to enjoy it for what it is—a colorful, painterly, vibrant adaptation of a beloved story—then go watch it.
Shit the Foxes said on talk shows
  • Neil: So Kevin comes in at like 1 in the morning, brand new tattoo on his face, and he's drunk as hell but he's making this surprisingly coherent speech about being the deadliest piece of the board, and I'm just sitting there not saying a word because I don't know a thing about chess.
  • Dan: There's a video on my computer containing cuts from every single time Andrew sent a ball flying into someone's head set to the Donky Kong theme song. It's two and a half hours.
  • Allison: Neil has this thing where bad things happening to him are like a matter of fact. Once, he and I met up for lunch, and when the bill came he asked if he could pay me back later because he got mugged on the way over. As it turns out, what I mistook for Neil being a picky eater was actually Neil trying to eat without upsetting a shallow stab wound.
  • Renee: I don't drink alcohol because you can't account for what you'll do when you're drunk. Though sometimes that turns out fun. About a year ago we found out that Matt knows how to sing Sweden's national anthem backwards by heart, and that was hilarious. But on the other hand I've had Allison and Nicky competing on who can break a glass with their voice at three in the morning, so.
  • Matt: Kevin is definitely seems like everything in his life is about Exy, but get to know him and you realize that he has plenty of interests, it's just that he has no concept of doing things in moderation. So it's less a stick up his butt and more like, I don't know, a pool noodle or something.
  • Aaron: Neil doesn't have a concept of money, a fact which on any given day swings between hilarious and flat out tragic. He refused to pay $15.90 for new pants but said he'd pay for my med school if I stopped making fun of his new haircut. To be clear, both of these things happened in the same conversation.
  • Nicky: I love God, I do. He's always in my heart. But I guess God has abandonment issues because every time I see a commercial for a McFlurry I can just feel him testing me.
  • Andrew: The thing about the Foxes is that the stress level on any given day can fluctuate so wildly you get whiplash. One day you're getting yelled at for not blocking a shot, the next you're getting yelled at for "obstruction of justice" or whatever it is the Feds call it when you remind them that they can't come in without a search warrant. Why Wymack does this willingly is beyond me.
  • Kevin: On the one hand, the Foxes are much less organized, not to mention a smaller team. Every game, we're at an almost immediate disadvantage. On the other hand, Ravens are contractually forbidden from Irish coffee. So overall the decision isn't hard.

ok New Jersey is the butt of just about everyone’s jokes, and so it honestly shocks me that no one ever talks about pork roll. Because it is frankly the most hilarious thing about New Jersey.

Pork roll is a pork-based processed meat that’s served as a patty. It’s essentially a hotdog shaped like a hamburger, and it’s exactly as disgusting and horrifying as it sounds.

Except everyone in New Jersey loves pork roll. We fucking love it. Every deli offers it as part of a sandwich, and some people just order it as a side and eat it with a fork and knife. The capital of our state literally has a yearly pork roll festival. Even the McDonald’s in New Jersey will make you a pork roll egg and cheese (called a “Jersey breakfast” around here). We are fucking serious about our pork roll.

I forgot to mention the best part, which is that only half of us call it pork roll. The other half calls it Taylor ham. North Jersey says Taylor ham and south jersey says pork roll, and central jersey is our Switzerland because they say both. Multiple New Jersey newspapers have done studies to try to figure out where the line between the two names is, and they’ve come out with tons of different maps trying to show exactly where the border between Taylor ham and pork roll is.

And this isn’t a friendly debate: people in New Jersey are ready to go to war and die over what the correct name for this lunch meat is. I went to college in central jersey, and I witnessed people get into legit FIGHTS over what it’s called.

The most hilarious part, though, is that a couple years back, state legislators thought it would be fun and easy to make it the official state sandwich. Except then they DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT, and the politicians we elected to represent us literally spent our tax dollars debating the name of this lunch meat on the fucking senate floor. And the best part? They never made a decision and dropped the bill altogether. The debate between pork roll and Taylor ham rages on, and probably will forever.

faeron-the-wanderer  asked:

My guy, what's the name of the manga you've been reblogging?

Its called 

DANBERU NAN KIRO MOTERU?

Or in English

How Many Kilos are the Dumbbells You Lift?

I literally found it yesterday All thanks to @jake-everfree 

and its about these 2 girls which eventually turn to 5 

who want to start working out and going to the gym 

so theres Sakura Hibiki the blonde girl and my personal favorite whos basically just trying to lose weight cause she eats like Goku

and  Akemi Souryuuin the Dark Black Haired girl who is OBSESSED with Fitness and has a muscle fetish

And they get a BEAST OF A Personal Trainer named Machio

And he’s Just a Monstrous Intelligent Fitness Training Obsessed with helping them become Great!!

And the Manga goes in detail explaining Exercises.

Now I’m a Personal Trainer myself. I’ve been Certified the last 7 years and graduated college last year 

PS if you wanna hire me for online coaching just email me at jdownsfitness@gmail.com ;)

so I HONESTLY am Impressed with the facts they are spewing out. and THE MANGA IS F*CKIN FUNNY AS HELL! Because sometimes its slice of life fun.

Like a 29 year old teacher who loves to cosplay started working out so she could cosplay better 

and then it can turn into an ACTION BADASS SERIES just because Hibiki has Natural Gifts 

And everyones facial expressions will change to match the mood 

And its HILARIOUS, Its Fun, and just has so many things I appreciate as a Personal Trainer myself I LOVE THIS MANGA AND REAL TALK. Itss giving me 10x the Motivation to do better at fitness than OPM and yes even DBZ did back in the day 

SO GO READ IT NOW! 

https://mangadoom.co/danberu-nan-kiro-moteru/1

Its only 18 chapters right now! So Go Read it and tell me what ya think. Also 

@train-go you should check this out :)

And I can start another poll! 

Like I when I got 1021 people to read the One Punch Man manga way before the anime premiered :) Booyah! Let me see how many we can get! Making a video on this on my channel later ^_^

https://www.youtube.com/user/jaxblade07

i found this post in my drafts and have ZERO memory of writing it (thank u alcohol) so im gonna put it in my queue lol
  • ok but imagine 
  • Bitty comes out to his parents but he doesn’t tell them about Jack, thinks it’s for the best, maybe to ease his parents into things or maybe to keep the pool of People Who Know as small as possible 
  • and like yeah Ransom and Holster are super oblivious but Suzanne Bittle is not, not when it comes to her son, because she is a certified Nosy Southern Mother and she can see he’s been acting differently, happier but quieter, always on his phone and blushing when she asks about boys
  • and he talks about the team a LOT 
  • Jack’s one of his best friends and he’s just started his NHL career, so of course Bitty’s never gonna shut up about Jack
  • (Same goes for Shitty and law school. And eventually Ransom and med school. Dicky is proud of his friends and wants everyone to know. He gets that trait from Suzanne, she understands)
  • but he keeps talking about this one Boy, how sweet he is and how his smile is like a sack of puppies and how bitty’s always making this boy do things with him like baking and getting froyo and going shopping and Suzanne is like. Yes. This must be Dicky’s secret boyfriend. 
  •  the next family weekend or whatever, Suzanne demands to meet this Chowder boy who’s stolen Bitty’s heart
  • Bitty is both confused and mortified

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Hello! I hope you're having a wonderful day! I wanted to ask you if you could recommend some super fluffy fics. BTW I really appreciate you! Thank you so much!

SOMETIMES WE ALL JUST NEED SOME FLUFF, so I’m going to try to make this list extra lovely (and long!) ^-^ 💜💜💜

Fluffy Drarry Recs

Talk to Me by Saras_Girl (15.5K)- When the usual channels of communication are shut down, the most surprising people can find a way in. A strange little love story.
Harry is cursed temporarily blind and deaf while alone outside, and is helped by a gentle stranger (*cough* Draco). SO SWEET. Part of her fluffy!verse (collection of one-shots), and anyone after fluff should really read them all <3

Yours Until Midnight by drarryisgreen (4.5K)- Harry sits at a cafe owned by Draco day after day and wonders why Draco likes to bother him. / Lots of rain, lots of tea(s), lots of fluff.
Some fics you just adore for no reason you can articulate, and this is one of those for me. Harry is a (secret) fiction writer under the alias January James, and he writes all his stories in Draco’s cafe, while drinking Draco’s tea and pining without even realizing what he wants. Heart-clenchingly sweet!

Then Comes A Mist and A Weeping Rain by faithwood (21K)- It always rains for Draco Malfoy. Metaphorically. And literally. Ever since he had accidentally Conjured a cloud. A cloud that’s ever so cross.
This fic has the most kudos of any Drarry fic on AO3, so everyone and their grandmother has probably read it, but READ IT AGAIN because there is a cloud that follows Draco around raining on the poor boy EXCEPT WHEN HARRY’S BEING NICE TO HIM <333

Luckiest Fucking Size Queen Alive by @l0vegl0wsinthedark(6K)- Potter escorts me home, presses me into my front door and kisses me with a ferocity that’s exhilarating. And then Potter asks me, in a growl that makes my cock throw a wet tantrum in my pants, how many more dates I would deem mandatory before I let him fuck me. I drag Potter to bed.
This fic is fucking hilarious. Quite possibly my favorite humor/fluff/smut combination ever. They both work at the Ministry, and Draco is lured to Potter by the rumors of his amazing cock and they’re so cute and it’s just pure brilliance.

Good to me (And I’d Be So Good to You) by AWickedMemory (9K)- Everyone returns to Hogwarts after the war, but nothing is quite the same. Harry’s groupies are creepier than ever, Ron and Hermione are snogging all over the place, and the once-proud Draco is shuffling around like a kicked puppy. But that’s okay: Harry’s got a plan.
Harry implements Operation Make Friends With Draco Malfoy, and Draco is very confused. Also featuring “Harry’s Draco Lucius Abraxas Malfoy Repository of Information Collected Whilst Stalking (DLAMRoICWS)” hehehe <3

The Wolf Pack by dracogotgame (13.5)- Nobody said achieving your animagus form was easy. Draco could handle being a wolf pup for a while, right? How bad could it be?
Oh my GOD Draco’s animagus form is a wolf PUPPY and he meets another wolf in the forest and bothers him all the time and then he adopts this wolf as his protector. And the wolf is annoyed but reluctantly amused and endeared and I WONDER WHO THAT WOLF IS HM WHO COULD IT BE????

Mingling, Mistletoe & Misdeeds by @jadepresley (10K)- Three couples in denial. One Christmas party to make them finally see sense. Christmas fluff!
This fic is adorable! It also features Ron x Pansy and Hermione x Theo, and I fell in love with those other two pairings in this fic as much as Drarry! Christmassy and LOVELY. And Draco planned the party, so you know it’s a good one ;)

Candy by @bixgirl1 (5.5K)- It was only after careful consideration that Draco came to the wildly preposterous conclusion that he and Potter were actually friends. Sweet fic. May cause cavities.
Harry wants to be friends with Draco, but Draco refuses. And keeps refusing. Until somehow they’re suddenly friends, and then they’re more then friends, and Draco has no idea how any of it happened! Oblivious!Draco is my favorite Draco and yes I think I may have indeed gotten a cavity from how sweet this fic was ;)

To Love a Loathed (Arch) Enemy by Sophie_French (11.5K)- “For the last time, Malfoy, I have absolutely no hidden agenda giving you your wand back.”
Harry brings Draco his wand back after the war and the rest is history.
After Harry returns Draco’s wand, they start sending (FLIRTY OMG) owls back and forth, and then Draco helps Harry with the Hogwarts Restoration and it’s all just adorable :)

Harry Potter and the Incredibly Organized Personal Assistant by megyal (2.5K)- Harry Potter’s new assistant is snarkily organized.
Not gonna lie, I have a huge thing for Draco being Harry’s Personal Assistant and basically just running his life. This short little fic is so lovely and funny!

Get Me From My Good Side by @julietsemophase (5.5K)- The only reason Harry agrees to these Ministry publicity articles is he knows he’s in safe hands with Draco Malfoy as his stylist. But then a shoot doesn’t quite go to plan and Harry worries his secret is out.
Personal stylist is another job I just LOVE for Draco. This fic is perfect perfect perfect because Draco is the only one Harry trusts to style him. And of course that’s not because he’s secretly in love with him, what are you talking about?!

To Bag A Hero by moonshoespotterr (7.5K)- When Draco realises that insults are getting him nowhere, he decides to take a new approach to bagging the Boy Who Lived.
Draco starts being nice to Harry and gives him his scarf and YEP this is pure fluff

Tug-O-Want by dysonrules (16.5K)- Harry is back at Hogwarts minding his own business when he finds himself magically drawn to Draco Malfoy. Over and over again.
Aaaah amazingness! Accidental bonding! Being repeatedly drawn to each other from opposite sides of the castle! Neither of their faults but they blame each other anyway! Giving in to their desires more and more each time! Y E S

One More Cup of Coffee by Lonov (10.5K)- Harry thought the best part about being a Healer would be saving lives every day without the constant fear of being murdered by a megalomaniac, but when Draco Malfoy walked into the room, he realized he hadn’t escaped so easily.
Both are healers, Harry is miffed that Draco has a more senior position than he does, Draco brings Harry coffee every day, and I could choke on the sweetness

Check Me Out by lumosed_quill (3K)- Draco works as a librarian. Harry visits often and attempts (possibly) to flirt with Draco through his choice of books. Draco is not getting it. At all.
YES this fic is exactly as adorable as the summary makes it sound :D

Storm in a Teacup by faithwood (8K)- For reasons he’d rather not think about, Draco is obsessed with Potter’s hair. This cannot end well.
FLUFF FLUFF HARRY’S HAIR IS FLUFFY LIKE THIS FIC. They study together in a hidden alcove <3

Hey, Potter by SunseticMonster (16K)- Harry returns to Hogwarts for his 8th year, determined not to let Malfoy get to him. But when the snarky teasing starts up again, Harry finds that returning the jibes with compliments has a far more interesting outcome.
GAH Harry starts complimenting Draco whenever Draco insults him and Draco gets all flustered and baffled and it’s adorable as FUCK.

9 times Harry kissed Draco, and the 1 time Draco kissed Harry by LockWhoSuper (4.5K)- ‘Harry grinned, Draco fell into his trap perfectly. Surging forwards, Harry wrapped his fingers around Draco’s tie and pulled him forwards until their lips met over their cauldron. The pressure lasted for three seconds, Harry’s eyes shut and Draco’s wide in surprise. When Harry let Draco go, he slid back into his seat slowly, eyes still wide, tie crooked and a blush painting his cheeks.’
Every time Draco swears, Harry kisses him. That’ll make him stop. Yep. Perfect plan. Nothing at all to do with Harry wanting to kiss Draco. Nothing whatsoever.

What Potter Wants by birdsofshore (3.5K)- Harry definitely didn’t want to do that to Malfoy. Not at all. So why did Malfoy keep saying that he did?
This fic is hilarious and perfect and I think about it all the time because the idea is just that brilliant. Draco insists over and over that Potter is dying to suck his cock. Harry denies it and denies it, but….for someone who doesn’t want to suck Malfoy’s cock, he sure is protesting a lot. Fluffy Smutty Humor ;)

All You Want for Christmas is Me by chibaken (7.5K)- Harry Potter is rich enough to buy himself anything he wants, and so famous that he receives daily gifts from his fans. Whatever is a Secret Santa to do? Draco doesn’t know yet, but he’s going to figure it out.
YEAH I’M RECCING MYSELF SUE ME (please don’t). Christmas party games, Draco in denial, presents, and pooooooorn with a ribbon

How do I write?: Dialog

For writers, speaking scenes are either the bane of your existence, or the highlight of your day. On one hand, when characters are talking, it can really help further a scene and help with character development….but on the other hand…writing dialog is such a chore….blugh. So here’s some ways to write better dialog in your stories!

Give Your Characters Voices

Is your character southern? Do they have a lisp? Are they shy? Outspoken? Do they use a lot of big words, or are they an easy talker? Are they more likely to lie with confidence, or do they need to pause a lot to collect their thoughts? These are all factors that help build up a character’s profile, and to add realism to your dialog. Make sure to keep each character consistent – example: if Character A is an angry and resolute character, they wouldn’t stammer or blush when they’re caught off guard – so that your characters keep their individuality.

Embrace the Power of Verbs

Obviously, there’s a huge difference between ‘said’ and ‘yelled’ and ‘screamed’, but there are so many fics where ‘mumbled’ is an overused verb. Unless your character is incredibly shy – or loves to whisper insults under their breath – nobody mumbles every other sentence. ‘Quipped’, ‘snarked,’ ‘said indignantly’, ‘joked’, and ‘laughed’ are some of my favorite verbs.

Moving the Scene Through Dialog 

If you’re ever terrified of having a scene turn into a monotonous he said/she said conversation, then break it up with actions! Have Character A yell at Character B as they angrily slam the car door, or Character C say “huh?” as they try to clear water out of their ears. Here’s a few examples.

  • “You look like crap!” Madison tried to touch the side of her face, but Liz jerked her head back. “Are you like, sick? Your eyes are all red and puffy.”
  • “Yeah, just a second.” Jade watched as the bright orange petals swirled down the drain.
  • Scout visibly recoiled from him. “Uh, no. I’ll pass.”

Talk to Yourself

This is the best trick; it’s what I do when I’m writing dialog. I’ll put on different voices and talk aloud to myself in order to feel what sounds natural and what sounds plastic-y. You may feel ridiculous when you’re up at 2am and repeating the same lines over and over again to yourself, but believe me, it will show in the final drafts when your characters are interacting.

Finally, Have Fun

It’s such a cliche tip that it makes me want to cry from boredom, but having fun with your dialog makes it infinitely easier to write. If your inspiration is just bone dry, have your characters get silly with their dialog – “Sir, that really hella dangerous experiment is going critical” “oh dang, lmao, we should probably leave?” “yes most definitely” – because even then, you’re getting your ideas out and you can come back later. Also, it’s hilarious. In the end, writing is supposed to be a fun hobby, so find what works for you and keep on doing it!