Vent and something about me
This has been here before. I had a vent already, but today, this morning something just happened. Dont know what. I was angry, sad and mad. For no reason. But thanks to someone really special, i was able to stop grumbling, worrying and just sat down, listened and thinked.
And during the day i finally realized what was wrong. I am thinking of again losing those i care about, and i like. My unending wish to push myself forward meet new people, and just being always on the move, made me finally realize what i am losing, and leaving behind me.
Every person i met here on tumblr, DA, and generally the internet, has been nothing but amazing. With the passing time, which started at April 2016 i changed quite drastically my daily life, from literally doing nothing, and kinda surviving, to living, and achieving a goal. And…well, honestly it wasnt pleasant. Turning from a person who tries to not care about herself, into a person which cares a lot, was kinda a strong slap to the face. But i dont regret nothing. No matter how many depression i go through or how many times i fail at achieving what i wish for.
For nearly my whole life (im 24, by the way, you disgusting shippers) i have been pretty much walking through the life on my own. I literally tried many times to join a group, fandom, roleplaying DnD-session group, Larp group, art group…it never worked. Either the group would fall to pieces, not accept me, straight out push me away, or leave me alone. This has made a certain need for…company in my life. But it also has made this need so strong, that i oftenly miss very imporatnt things, and i think it grew to such immense need for attention, and a childish desire for publicity, that i never really found out what friendship really is. Sometimes i thought to myself its simple conversation on some daily, or weekly basis. Or maybe collabs, doing funny shizzles and crazy ideas, letting them grow, seeing them move through the world.
(Self drama intensifies)
But lately, i understood that my need for meeting new people, has brought me far, far away from the people i love the most. The people who have been here for me, when i firstly came to tumblr. And even if it does sound stupid, and just straight out naive and paranoid, the special person, who saved me today, from fallling into a deep pit of depression, gentle took me by the hands, and made me look back.
All of my friends and art-buddies i made, were just a bit way back, and i knew, that if i kept like this, just pushing onwards, i would lose them. It didnt matter if they were, or were not from different parts of the world, for me they were “here” when i needed them to be. I spend moments of fun and friendship with them, when i felt lonely or sad. They offered me nothing but a opened hand, a funny joke or a smile.
And i thought, i was about to loose it all. For you know, i never did art as much as i do now. In the past, like a year ago (january 2016 still) i did like 1 drawing for…two months. I didnt wish to do anything. And since i am here, i have activelly been doing daily a drawing. I honed my skill as an artist, i found a affection for art i never thought of having. But now i do understand that i never really did art, because i loved it. But because it helped me vent, focus my mind on something else, something that would just keep my mind occupied, not thinking of the bad things.
Besides art, let me tell you a other thing my friends. I LOVE to ROLEPLAY, i LOVE to TELL STORIES, some people from real life, told me even i am a natural born storyteller (DnD experience), yet ever since i came here to tumblr, i have realized that no matter how good you are, sometimes things just doesnt work the way you thought they would. Same with art. Sometimes it works, sometimes its….horribly fucked up.
So, i dont care if i have made around 30 attempts to join RP blogs, to whom i must have looked only like a creep, trying to sweet talk them. Or that i spoke to around 10 artists, to whom i must have behaved like a immense jerk and a pressure jackass.
I have already made great progress through 2016. It was a story of incredible emotional struggle, that started when @moonphyr @firereddragon and @zinyawolf helped me immensely, with my problems. They kinda, took the first steps, and literally held my hand. Together with theyre awesome buddy @lunaroatmealart who turned into a literal art-rival for me, they…well they showed me, there are people in the world to whom there is worth to behave with kindness and respect. No matter how far, or how different.
And from that point on Discord, it just kept on going. I met new people, people who gaved me hope, who offered theyre hand to me, helped me when i fell, laughed with me as i picked myself up, and walked beside me. And just like before, all i could think off was getting more. Absolutely forgetting what i already had.
And i cant tell you how much shame i feel for that. For behaving like that, and acting like that. So i decided just to stop. No new blogs, no new people to look for, because i finally found a home. And i found love, i never thought i would ever find. I found friends.
So…its kinda good. To have a group of people, that you can call “your” people.
@keru-the-green @neofox67 @kiacii @amachi-blaze @neon-pulze @yugogeer12 @bad-author @huroki @iamscanda @its-captain-senpai @underfellfangame @friskcz @shinydiamondblog @lynns-art-blog and @ravnicawatchwolf
Guys…thank you immensely, for being my people. And sorry, for almost screwing it up, again. I am very, very sorry. Thanks to you, i feel alive again :)
Special thanks to @xxmileikaivanaxx, for everything…