i keep trying to memorize every detail of the moments i live in. in the soreness of my legs from standing so long at a concert, the chill of the night, the patterns of a tablecloth, the oily texture in my mouth after eating fried bananas. i keep trying to memorize the feelings, the quiet contentedness, the laughter, the excitement. i keep trying to memorize the people, their smiles, the way they speak, what makes them laugh. i’m constantly on the cusp of the next part of my life and that’s just so.. strange. but it makes it so much easier to find happiness no matter what’s happening to me, in a way? because i’m already kind of looking at life with those rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, simply because i know these are times i’ll never be able to live again, and these are people i might not always have, and that makes it so much easier to appreciate everything i might miss later.
Many thanks to @thatshamelessyaoishipper for subbing the entire section.
This line of dialogue (spoken by Yurio) is genuinely so important to our understanding of Viktor’s character. It’s fair to say that a lot of us kind of view his character as lovable, childlike, and whimsical, and that isn’t wrong. But this proves it, he’s only like that around Yuuri, according to somebody who has known him for three years or so at an absolute minimum.
This is the Viktor Nikiforov without Yuuri, the one the majority of people know. This is the Viktor Nikiforov who sits alone in parks in the snow, with only his dog for comfort, as he contemplates how his life even turned up like that.
I know this is a particularly bad moment, to be fair, but just look how miserable he looks.
Even here, he just looks so bored and serious.
This is Viktor without Yuuri for what? Three days?
The actual effect Yuuri had on Viktor’s life is astounding. With Yuuri, Viktor learnt to let everything go and just be him, rather than his more restrained and serious self, morphing into the usual personality we see and love for the duration of the anime.
All I can picture is the first day Viktor and Yuuri start training again at the rink in St Petersburg, and are absolutely gobsmacked to witness Viktor smiling, laughing, with his arms draped around Yuuri like he’s a buoyancy aid. Quiet, serious Viktor Nikiforov actually looking like he’s enjoying his day. He’s the opposite of the kind of man who would tickle someone publicly, but there he is, chasing Yuuri Katsuki around the rink like a five year old. It’s like some kind of bizarre dream. Even Yakov would have to admit that Yuuri’s presence has transformed him.
And perhaps Yakov even asks him once, unable to help himself, where Viktor suddenly got so much inspiration from, after so many years of misery.
The only answer he gets, as Viktor starts to walk away, is “he gave me his love, Yakov.”
the multiples panic attacks you get when it feels like someone is abandoning you and you feel like you’re going to die exactly in that moment
feeling like every day is the same and the agony of having the idea in your mind that nothing is real due to dissociation
when you’re bored and it’s not like you’re just bored, it’s like there is something crushing your mind and sometimes you even get headaches because it’s literally void void void void
trying so hard to be a good person but still feeling like you’re a monster
invalidating yourself whenever you feel bad but get hit by a mood swing a few minutes later, so you’re probably faking the illness because you just felt bad for a moment, it doesn’t matter the intensity of the feeling, you’re healthy
triggering yourself on purpose when you feel invalid
being triggered when someone is talking about their problems with you and your hyper empathy acts up
also not being able to help a lot when you don’t feel very empathic and feeling like you’re worthless
no one knows how sad it is when someone you like tells you they will be offline to sleep/eat/whatever
That moment when you just break down in prayer and want to cry so badly but the tears just don’t come out, so you cry from the depths of your heart and Allah comforts you by reassuring you that He is always there, and all you need to do is trust His plans and ask Him for guidance.