julia should shut up

scenes from the “happy together in 221b” au that have, 100% without a doubt, happened:

  • sherlock deciding to cook dinner, and then promptly forgetting about it in favor of a more interesting experiment and setting the kitchen on fire. john pretends to be angry and orders thai for delivery. the flat smells terrible, so they eat with the windows open
  • sherlock deducing unpleasant facts about john’s friends’ lives from the photographs that they post on facebook. it goes a step too far when sherlock starts insulting john’s old army friends, but after two minutes of angry silence john begrudgingly goes “alright, what about this one then” and shows sherlock another picture
  • john doing both of their loads of laundry at once so that their clothes tumble together in the washing machine. he puts one of sherlock’s nice shirts in the dryer and it shrinks a size, sherlock puts it on and looks ridiculous: wrists exposed, buttons straining. he walks into the living room in a strop to show john but john collapses into laughter before he can say a word
  • john getting out of the shower to find that he’s forgotten his robe; sherlock’s is hanging on the back of the door so he slips it on just to get to his room
  • sherlock being bored on a rainy day and begging john to play cluedo with him “just one more time, i’ll follow the rules, i promise” (he does not follow the rules)
  • sherlock organizing john’s ties by color
  • everything
  • they are married
  • i am upset

It’s 6PM, and unless my screenwriting professor believes the lie-filled email I just sent him about viruses, this is what he is reading instead of my final screenplay:

Hands kneading into the bed, Sherlock’s cock twitches obscenely, already leaking pre-come. John gives the tip a filthy, open-mouthed kiss before skipping past it and licking a long, wet stripe up Sherlock’s stomach.

“That’s an order, Sherlock.”

I’m going to throw up why am I rereading this.

“two men can be close friends without being sexually attracted to each other! they can love each other without being in love why does everybody always have to make everything about gay ships!!!”

ah, yes. that is right. how could i have been so foolish. male friendships are underrepresented in culture. there are no stories about male friendship. the brotp is constantly vilified and undermined. there have never been stories about male friends

i have made a huge mistake. i shall cast off shipping forever. finally, i have learned: gay is not the only way. keeping the close male friendship strictly platonic to follow along with gay panic ideals is something that has never been done before, and i shall take the revolutionary step and remove the word “subtext” from my vocabulary.

thank you, for defending the brotp against its enemies. i have seen the light. the source material was right - there is nothing there. never was. i was delusional, i’d never even heard their side. i shall never ship two men again. god bless

do you ever scroll your dash and then you have to stop because you were thinking about something but you can’t remember what you were thinking about

and then you scroll back up until you see the post you were looking at when you were thinking about the thing - and suddenly you remember even if the post has nothing to do with what you were thinking about?

because this happens to me maybe twelve times a day

more scenes from that halcyon au where sherlock and john live happily together in 221b that have without a doubt happened at one point in canon:

  • john dragging sherlock out shopping with him only to find that sherlock in a supermarket does much more harm than good: sherlock collapses a cat food display, makes rude deductions about everyone in sight that john can’t stop himself from smirking at, and keeps adding completely unnecessary items to their cart (nine boxes of baking soda, tampons, four pounds of baker’s chocolate, –john catches sherlock just in time at the deli counter trying to order an entire cow carcus)
  • sherlock getting furious at john’s abysmal typing skills and mocking him for it; john staunchly assuring that his is the blog that gets thousands of daily hits, thank you very much, and sherlock positively growling because that has nothing, nothing to do with his poor typing and if he’d only just learn–
  • john and sherlock having a glass of merlot after dinner, john just sitting and listening to sherlock complain about mycroft and how “pedestrian” london criminals are getting and that the results of his newest experiment have been thusfar inconclusive. both of them are unable to suppress the somewhat inappropriate smiles creasing their cheeks as they look at each other
  • john, roused by nightmares, coming downstairs to sit in his chair and listen to sherlock play his violin. sherlock keeps his back to john. the music sends him back to sleep. he wakes up with a crick in his neck, covered by a blanket
  • sherlock making john tea to atone for something that john’s mad at him for
  • sherlock making fun of john’s affinity for detective and spy novels and always guessing the endings
  • john taking sherlock’s stash of cigarettes out of the persian slipper and hiding them inside the skull where sherlock doesn’t think to find them
  • how is it that something so sweet and innocent
  • mAKES ME WANT to drOWN MYSELF

anonymous asked:

Hey joolabee those happy in 221b au posts you've been making it put a huge smile on my face today you're lovely uwu also do you have some retirement!lock headcanons they're the most precious

sussexlock headcanons that have also definitely 100% canon happened:

  • they move in to a two-floor cottage with a tiny, rickety staircase and yellow walls and lots of brick and in some of the rooms on the first floor sherlock’s head hits the door frame, and the first few days after he moves in he keeps forgetting to duck and swearing and john just smiles into his tea from the other room
  • when john first sees the beehives he’s utterly bewildered because sherlock never told him but sherlock goes right up to them, already enchanted, getting up close to look at them with his hands on his knees but he’s not wearing any of the necessary clothing and when they start to get close to him and his hair (because he still puts too much product in it) he gets all scared and stumbles backward and one of them stings him uwu
  • john goes grey first (seeing as he’s practically almost there already) and he’s not self-conscious about it at all, but one day he catches sherlock at the mirror in their small bathroom with his hands at his temples, looking worried, and john says he looks very distinguished
  • all of sherlock’s experiments become bee-oriented and john thinks that the hives are a pretty much sherlock-exclusive project until one day sherlock asks john to help him collect the honey
  • they both have creaky joints and they ache where they’ve been battered over the years and they make fun of each other for all their pains as they lay side by side each other in bed
  • sherlock loves reminiscing even more than john does
  • mycroft visits, it gives sherlock a wonderful excuse to have a fit and act like a child
  • their neighbors have small children and the little girl is enchanted by the both of them and she comes over once or twice a week and asks john to tell her stories and tugs on sherlock’s robe
  • and sherlock pretends to be annoyed but of course he’s secretly enamored by her
  • in the winters sherlock wears john’s sweaters, even after john buys sherlock his own sweaters for christmas because honestly
  • in the winters they build fires
  • also they never die
  • i’m crying

holy shit so it’s official Mark Gatiss and Steve Thompson have both definitely written real actual words for series three they have sat down and begun writing do you understand how overwhelming this is MARK COULD HAVE WRITTEN THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE RETURN SCENE RIGHT NOW

SOMEWHERE, OUT THERE, ON A PIECE OF PAPER

IS A CANON SCRIPT OF THE RETURN

LIKE THERE IS A BUNCH OF “JOHN:” “SHERLOCK:” DIALOGUE AND IT’S JUST THERE

OUT THERE

IN THE WORLD

WRITTEN

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW OVERWHELMING THIS IS

I DON’T THINK THAT I’M BREATHING

for your consideration:

  • young, pirate-obsessed sherlock stumbling across the old peter sellers pink panther movies (a favorite of his father’s)
  • young sherlock being really enraptured by inspector clouseau but also incredibly frustrated by him
  • sherlock keeping his burgeoning obsession secret from university-bound mycroft
  • sherlock wanting to be a detective because of this terrible idiot detective
  • sherlock actively imagining lestrade and everyone else at scotland yard as almost exactly like clouseau or the commissioner and secretly finding his own joke hilarious
  • adult sherlock having really strong opinions about the steve martin reimaginings and that strong opinion is vitriolic hatred
  • john as a joke referencing clouseau and being astonished when sherlock actually gets it, JOHN FINDING OUT THAT SHERLOCK LIKES THE PINK PANTHER LIKE “🙉😳👽🙊”
  • john has never seen the original pink panthers…. SHERLOCK VERY NERVOUSLY AND BEGRUDGINGLY INSISTING THAT THEY WATCH THEM…… GOING PINK AT THE EARS AND CROSSING HIS ARMS AND GLANCING WAY TOO FREQUENTLY AT JOHN BUT THEN GETTING ABSORBED IN THE MOVIE ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY’RE HIS FAVORITES…
  • sherlock learning baritsu because of the running karate chop gag
  • because everything worth knowing is worth knowing well sherlock has a defense at the ready for why the film is worthwhile in a cinematic sense because he wants to be taken seriously
  • sherlock being so privately endeared by the fact that clouseau is honest and well-intentioned and confident even though he doesn’t have any reason to be
  • “He always solves it, John!”
    “He hasn’t got anything on you; he doesn’t solve anything!”
    “OF COURSE HE DOES”
  • young sherlock wanting peter sellers to hit on him,
  • sherlock having a crush on peter sellers,
  • everything,

for further contemplation:

  • because the “whatever remains” quote has been canonically attributed to spock, this means that sherlock’s “it is my business to know what other people do not know” on his blog is a reference to clouseau saying “it is my business to know” after this guy asks him how clouseau knew he’d just come back from a swim
  • this happens at a nudist colony, btw; pls contemplate sherlock’s too-eager interest in nude peter sellers walking around wearing nothing but a guitar
  • also note that the candle from the gay pilot is almost identical to the candles from this scene in a shot in the dark (excuse the quality but YOU CAN SEE THEM. THEY ARE VERY CLEARLY THERE)

in conclusion sherlock is gay with a childhood crush on the pink panther of all people and that’s what got him interested in investigation

good day