julespic

8

Thrift store haul from today!!!

I got an amazing brown leather vintage coach briefcase to carry my GRE books and laptop in, and three dresses.  It was a bit of a splurge; about $45 total.  It’s the kind of thrift store where you can’t try anything on but I got really lucky today.  The only one I don’t love is the rosy colored one.  (PS all machine washable!!!!)

Soooo… self care?  I finished it off with a bubble tea.

Wtf. Some thoughts about today. 

 I was at the gym today and one a week I’ve been joining Bee for his weightlifting workout rather than doing my usual, which is doctor prescribed but booooring. We usually pick a quiet time of day and his gym is intended to be chill and non-intimidating. Today a girl at the gym was extremely rude and aggressive with me, basically wanting me to leave and go somewhere else because I didn’t look like I should be there and I wasn’t lifting as much as she wanted to. I politely told her that I would be done in about three minutes and that she was welcome to my spot as soon as I finished but she persisted in trying to get me to give up my space, escalating her bullshit until she eventually threatened to get into a fight with Bee when he finally asked her to back off and be more polite. I walked off at this point because things were sufficiently escalated that I didn’t want to deal with anything else that might happen (and I’m afraid of conflict). 

 I may not look like much to some people but I deserve to take up space. I deserve to be there as much as anyone else. I am exercising because it feels empowering for the first time in my life and yes, I’ve only been doing this for a few months but that’s because I haven’t been allowed to exercise for literally years of my life. I deserve to exist and take up space. I deserve the courtesy you afforded to literally everyone else there. I don’t want to take away from the respect that so many people have given me, no matter what they think about me or what I’m doing. I wait to use equipment, other people wait to use equipment, and she deserves to use equipment the same way everyone else does. 

 My body is okay. I have spent years learning this. My body can do great things. I have been teaching myself that it is doing great things regardless if it’s just allowing me to sit in the sunshine or enjoy a workout. My existence is worthwhile and I deserve to take up space. This is my journey and you can judge it, but it’s your loss.

2

Guys! I think I’ve picked out my interview outfit for my grad school interview!
It’s not supposed to be as formal as a suit; more like something you would wear to work eventually. Obviously I need to iron the sweater. We are supposed to be a bit “quirky” and show our personalities. The top is a dark charcoal gray in a thick knit with a peplum and the pants are a heathered light gray. The colors aren’t showing up great in the photos.


Question: like or comment if you could see a young counselor or therapist wearing this to a session.

I went to see Andrea Gibson last night and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. After the performance ended, I waited in line to see Andrea and I told a story: 

When I was in treatment, we discovered that three of our group of about 7 girls in the day room had coincidentally brought Andrea’s book, “The Madness Vase” with us as one of the few possessions that accompanied us to the hospital. We spent all night reading Andrea’s poems out loud to each other until we were chastised for being up and out of our rooms after curfew. It must have been during one of the blizzards if they were being that lax, but it’s one of the nice memories I have from that pretty terrible time. 

 I bought this shirt because it felt appropriate given my circumstances, and Andrea signed it. I’m worried that the marker will wash out. I am not the kind of person who goes to get things signed, so I didn’t bring the book or CD to get signed. The only thing I could find in my bag was ironically a list of my upcoming nutritionist appointments. It was funny because one of my favorite poems by Andrea is “The Nutritionist.” (tw)

Andrea also performed “I sing the Body Electric, Especially When My Power’s Out,” (tw) which Andrea wrote as a self-directed body love poem.

Look up Andrea’s stuff sometime. It may change or save your life.

2

Holiday party outfit!

I got to see my friends last night at a potluck/holiday party, prominently featuring homemade pakoras and cake pops.  It’s almost time for me to fly back home and spend time with my family.  I am just hoping for good vibes and good things.  I’m hoping to be able to make other people happy for the holidays.  The holidays are often a turning point for me in terms of mood and behavior.  I am focusing on bringing more good things into my life.