Hello if you are new please read homestuck. hiveswap and homestuck are literally one in the same you will enjoy the game more if you read it the whole thing involves homestuck characters and you will appreciate it so much more. And remember kids. Ship hate is unnecessary. They are fictional characters. Seal your body paint! BUCKET JOKES ARE FROWNED UPON! DONT STOP READING IF ACT 1-4 ARE BORING THEY ARE NECESSARY BELIEVE ME! watch let’s read homestuck on YouTube if it is hard to follow or read on the actual comic. And please all current homestucks let’s be nice and guide the new fans not be douche bags about it okay? Don’t let the homestuck fandom die because we’re not welcoming new people.
Something I realized today that’s weirding me the fuck out is the fact that, although Jude is younger and Joey is only a year older than the Homestuck kids at the start of Hiveswap, Hiveswap takes place MUCH earlier than Homestuck, and Joey we know for certain was born about 16 years before the kids.
That means that in an AU where SBurb doesn’t exist and assuming no time shenanigans or changing up of the timeframe are involved and thanks to Rose’s mom being a time-wise constant, that means by the time John and his friends are 13, Jude will be anywhere from 25-28, and Joey will be 29 years old.
Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #358
1) So the movie starts by introducing us to a sort of typical white guy spy. A James Bond type, but without the British accent (for some reason). It starts with the familiar, the usual tropes, before really fucking them over when Jude Law (who for some reason is trying to do an American accent and he’s not doing it well) sneezes and accidentally kills a guy.
Which is an excellent joke to introduce is into the film’s wonderfully strong sense of humor. If you think you know how a trope is going to play out, you’re probably wrong. In fact, the entire opening sequence is a strong representative of how the film blends quality action with quality humor which will be consistent throughout the film.
2) Melissa McCarthy as Susan Cooper.
McCarthy is the foundation on which the rest of the film is built. From the very first minute we spend with her character she is established as not only good at her job but incredible at it. It is easy in spy spoofs for the main spy to be a bumbling idiot, but Susan’s continued competence is in fact one of the key factors which makes this film as incredible as it is. Especially considering the fact she does have some insecurities at the beginning, insecurities which are largely unfounded because she is fucking good at her job. McCarthy is able to have incredible warmth, heart, and vulnerability as Susan which she doesn’t always show in her film roles. But also when the script calls for it she can have this amazing brashness and humorous loudmouth/angry quality. Susan goes through an incredible transformation from the moment we meet her to the moment we leave her and McCarthy is able to play that absolutely perfectly. It’s HER story, it’s HER movie, and we are just along for the ride in an amazing way.
3) “Who Else Can You Trust?” is abbreviated in the film’s opening credits (I own the full version found on the album) but feels like a real Bond song with the opening credits feeling like a real Bond opening credits. This is part of the reason Spy is able to differentiate itself from other spy comedies like Austin Powers. It takes the genre, action, and stakes seriously throughout. This is real danger and true villains who are trying to get their hands on a nuke. It’s not like “oh, it’s funny because the spy is stupid and the bad guy’s want to kill all cats” or something like that. This sort of silly comedies can and have worked in the past, but Spy’s comedy is born out of its strong sense of characters and performances from the actor. Not by making fun of the genre, but embracing it in a wonderfully fun and funny way.
4) Jude Law’s Bradley Fine often times steps over the line which divides nice guy from Nice Guy™.
Susan: “Could you imagine me as a spy?”
[Fine, who has seen how badass she was in training, laughs at the idea.]
He’s an idiot and kind of a jackass. He may not actively be trying to belittle her but that’s what he does in pretty much 99% of their conversations. He’ll talk about how great she is but he gives her chores which she is overqualified for like picking up his laundry. It’s frustrating but then it’s supposed to be. It’s one of the key conflicts in the film that Susan is underestimated and belittled by all those around her because she’s not what a spy is “supposed” to be like.
5) This film is pretty freaking great, but it could’ve used a little more Morena Baccarin.
Honestly, everything could use a little more Morena Baccarin.
6) What the fuck is this bullshit? He’s secretly SLEEPING with this bad guy and yet…
Fine [upon being caught by villainess Rayna with a gun]: “An awfully big gun for such a little girl.”
7) Allison Janney is someone who I love in literally everything I’ve seen her in. Even when she’s pretty much the straight man in this, the CIA director, I am just drawn to her. I just really fucking love Allison Janney.
8) Jason Statham as Ford.
Holy fucking shit. Somehow Jason Statham is in a movie with modern day comedic legend Melissa McCarthy and ends up being the funniest person in the film. He is totally committed to Ford’s arrogance, jackass qualities, intensity, and hyper masculinity in a way which is 100% hysterical! It’s a tricky business because Ford doesn’t think he’s funny. Ford doesn’t think he’s weird or an idiot, and Statham plays it like that knowing it will derive the most laughs. Ford is basically the super testosterone filled action hero in every movie ever and Statham doubles that while stealing every single fucking scene he’s in. And his chemistry with McCarthy is off the charts funny! Melissa McCarthy is the bedrock this film rests upon but Jason Statham is the fucking cherry on top (I think I’m mixing my metaphors but whatever), he is absolutely amazing.
9) I love this because it makes me angry.
CIA Director Elaine Crocker [about why Fine pressured Susan to stay out of the field]: “Yeah, he sniped you.”
THIS IS REAL! THIS IS FUCKING REAL! MEN IN CHARGE KEEPING WOMEN DOWN BECAUSE THEY’RE WOMEN, WHETHER THEY KNOW THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING OR NOT! GAH! I mean, the film including it is fucking awesome and handled really fucking well but holy shit it pisses me off that this is even a thing.
10) I find it endlessly frustrating (and I think I’m supposed to) that all of Susan’s aliases and spy gear are not the “sexy” stuff but things which could be considered “frumpy”. Why can’t she be a gorgeous baroness with a super slick ride and men on her shoulders? Have you seen Melissa McCarthy? She’s fucking gorgeous.
11) Melissa McCarthy has a very strong chemistry with Miranda Hart, who plays Susan’s best friend Chummy in the film. Their relationship in many ways is much more important than the ones Susan has with any other character in the film, including Fine. And you understand how good friends they are with each other as the movie continues. It’s really great.
Ford [after McCarthy points out he didn’t even like Fine]: “It’s called the rivalry of men!”
As a man I can say, “The rivalry of men,” is the equivalent of, “who’s dick is bigger,” because society has convinced us that we’re not a “real man” unless we’re the “biggest” man in the room. It’s fucking stupid.
13) One of the key things that makes Susan as strong a character as she is are her motivations. You understand what is driving her VERY clearly: her memory of Fine. It evolves into more than that as the film goes, it evolves into her just doing her job, but you understand why she does things which are outside of her norm. It’s because she is in pain over Fine’s (supposed) death and needs to make right by him. It’s clear and powerful and helps make the film as good as it is.
14) Aldo - as portrayed by Peter Serafinowicz (legendary character actor who can be found in Shaun of the Dead, Guardians of the Galaxy, the voice of Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I, and most recently “The Tick” on Amazon) is incredibly funny. Every overly sexualized moment with him & just his general chemistry with McCarthy makes him a worthy addition to the already stellar ensemble cast.
15) As I mentioned in note #10, I don’t understand why McCarthy is given all the frumpy gadgets and covers when she can pull this off:
She’s fucking gorgeous.
16) I’ve mentioned this with a few pairings before, but McCarthy and Statham have this intense/incredible comedic chemistry which is born out of their strong bickering. This is most plainly seen when they’re both at the hotel/casino arguing and I think the fact I’ve mentioned it so often is just a sign of how well put together this fucking cast is.
17) There is an incredible sense of tension that plays through most scenes (for example: when Chummy is trying to kill power to the casino) which ties into what I mentioned in note #3: it helps elevate the film over silly spy spoof into this engaging and riveting action comedy.
18) Rose Byrne as Rayna.
Rayna was apparently originally written as a 19 year old girl (this according to IMDb’s trivia section), which makes a LOT of sense considering how much of a BRAT she is. Don’t get me wrong, Byrne is absolutely excellent at giving of the appearance of this elegant and sophisticated socialite. But that’s where the humor is from. The juxtaposition between what you expect from her (a refined Bond villainess) and what she actually is: a moronic spoiled brat. Byrne plays the humor and juxtaposition perfectly. The key part is that - like Statham - she’s not actively going for laughs. She’s not hyping up the stupidity or the silliness, acting like Rayna knows she’s stupid, but instead trusting the script and playing it in a way where Rayna takes herself seriously. And THAT’S the gag! And it’s great!
19) At this point Rayna has called Susan a child multiple times, compared her to a depress homeless clown, and insulted her ability to address herself.
Susan [to Rayna]: “Why are you being so nice to me?”
20) I’m starting to sound like a broken record but McCarthy’s ability to hold her own against how Byrne plays Rayna’s horridness is a testament to her talents as an actress and the chemistry between the pair. God, this movie is just so fucking funny.
21) I mentioned earlier that McCarthy gets the chance to play Susan as both more reserved and brash. It is when McCarthy is acting like “Amber Valentine” (the cover Susan uses to make Rayna trust her) that she gets to show off this aggression WONDERFULLY. It’s also wildly cathartic because a lot of people - including Rayna - have just been consistently putting Susan down for the ENTIRE film. Now she gets to go off on them and it’s amazing.
22) I’d like to point out that very few women die or get “fridged” in this film, not when compared to the men. I think during the entire movie only one woman dies but that’s a nice proportion swap to most male dominated action films. (How many women have died on Bond movies versus the men?)
(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)
23) The Budapest car chase scene is one of the strongest action set pieces in the film. It’s filled with this intense and enjoyable action, sprinkled with just enough jokes to make it hysterical, it’s well choreographed, and just altogether a fun ride.
24) But even the Budapest car chase can’t compare with the kitchen fight.
The action is INCREDIBLY well done. The fight choreography and energy throughout is just truly kinetic and it just grabs your attention and NEVER lets go. It’s just insanely well done and by far the best scene of the film.
25) I would like to point out - similarly as I did in note #4 - that Fine is kind of a jerk to Susan. He attributes her continued success to Rayna’s inexperience just casually, like it’s no big deal, not realizing he just undermined all the amazing things she just did in this film. Meanwhile the creepy sexpot of Aldo supports Susan and reminds her she’s been doing an incredible job in this film.
26) When Susan learns that Fine is alive, her entire initial motivation for going the distance of being a spy is gone. But that doesn’t matter because she’s not doing this for any man anymore. She’s doing this because it’s the right thing to do and because she knows she CAN do it. I love that. And when Susan embraces this and kicks some serious ass, Fine sees her for who she is.
27) Wait…I just realized that Ford didn’t actually DO anything in this film. He just kept getting caught and screwing up.
I love that! It’s so much funnier for me that way! :D
28) I love that it’s Chummy who saves Susan in the end. Not Fine, not Ford, but her best gal pal. Friendship over romance/sexual attraction is something I really appreciate.
29) And by the time the film ends, all three of the main guys - Aldo, Fine, and Ford - want Susan now. But she doesn’t chose a guy, she choses Chummy. She choses a night out with her girls instead of even Fine, the guy she’s been pining over FOREVER. I love that.
Spy is an incredibly funny and heartfelt film with a powerful message about competence/self worth. Melissa McCarthy gives an absolutely stellar performance and is surrounded by a just as strong supporting cast, with Jason Statham being a particular stand out. The action is crazy, the humor is spot on, the characters are well developed, and the relationships are pure. All in all, it’s just a really freaking good movie I think everyone should see.
Hiveswap’s out, and as always, it’s theory time. Today I want to talk to you about the monsters that kick off the game’s plot.
Now, first and foremost people are going to note that with their eyeless faces and green insides, they look an awful lot like the First Guardians. Obviously, they’re much weaker in comparison, with actual first guardians being enough powerful enough to sterilize planets and kill universes. Also unlike first guardians, they seem to black rather than blank white. What’s up with that?
Well, before we can answer that question, we must first answer a different one. Namely, who created them, and why?
We learn while playing through the game that Jude Harley has been tracking the activities of a mysterious cult that appears to have been watching the Claire home for some time. When the monsters show up, he concludes that the two are connected, and he is almost certainly right.
Now, there are a handfull of supernatural beings that the cult could be worshipping, and given the creatures in front of us, Becqurel would be a safe guess, but here’s the thing:** they weren’t trying to scare Joey onto Alternia. If anything, they were trying to cut the power to shut down the portal and eat her before she could go through. **Why does this matter? Because when she did end up there Doc Scratch secured her communication, suggesting that whatever her purpose is, the good doctor needs her in some way to assure that the trolls play the game and universe C is created, something a first guardian would support since their purpose is to make sure the the players survive to enter the session.
It’s not just the first guardians that depend on Joey being there. Pretty much every god-like entity needs them to create the new session. English, Skaia, the Denizens, Billious Slick. There’s only one divine party that outright opposes the start of the game, and if any of these beings would have a cult on modern day earth it’s them:
The Noble Circle of Horrorterrors
Okay, horrorterrors. Makes sense. That’s why the have the tentacles and look so freakish. The cultists don’t want the earth to be meteor’ed, and the horrorterrors don’t want English to be created. Problem solved?
Not quite. We’ve solved one half of the equation, but we still don’t have an explanation for why the monsters look like first guardians. Assuming ectobiology existed in the 90s and the cultists knew about bec, they probably still wouldn’t be able to get his paradox slime since that only gets created if the being you’re trying to appearify is supposed to be somewhere else: not a problem for beings that can teleport.
No, their only option would be to work off the first guardian sequence hidden in the player’s subconscious. But since Rose hadn’t written it yet or even arrived, where the hell were they supposed to get it. It’s not like anyone else had a journal full of repeating sequences of 4 characters, right?