I’m dead… this is hilarious

Which Jukebox the Ghost member should you fight?

Tommy Siegel

Who wins: Tommy

Don’t fight Tommy. With his fine-tuned guitar-playing dexterity and an extensive knowledge of various destruction/apocalypse scenarios, Tommy could think of ten different ways to fuck you up before you could so much as land a punch on him. Don’t let his height fool you; short people only have more condensed rage burning within. His fighting style might be erratic, but that’ll only make it harder for you to defend yourself. Trust me. He may look like a harmless little cinnamon roll, but Tommy is full of pent-up hatred for The Man that he’d be more than happy to take out on you if you challenged him.

Jesse Kristin

Who wins: Probably Jesse

Your chances are probably better than they are with Tommy, but I don’t see why you’d even want to fight Jesse in the first place. Jesse’s just minding his own business, man. He has way more love to give than hate. In fact, I can’t see any reason he’d actively want to hurt another human being. If he was defending himself, though, he’d put up a pretty good fight. He’s probably built up a good pain tolerance from all those tattoos and piercings, plus he’s got a good sense of rhythm that’ll help him in telegraphing your next move. Don’t fight him unless you’re confident in your abilities.

Ben Thornewill

Who wins: You

You could kick Ben’s ass, without a shadow of doubt. Sure, on one hand, he’s probably fast, and he could yell for help pretty loudly with those powerful lungs of his. But you’ve seen him; the kid’s lanky, and chances are, he can’t pack much power into a punch. Pin him down, maybe cover his mouth, and it’s pretty much over for him. His strength is all in his wits, and he channels all of his energy into writing angsty love songs, neither of which will do him any favours in a good old-fashioned street fight. Plus, you probably had a really good reason to fight Ben already. So fight him. Win.