journal blogging

I do a lot of journal blogging as a way to grapple with mental illness, or vent about the stresses and frustrations of daily life. It helps, and sometimes it even helps other people, which still seems kinda amazing to me. Talking honestly about pain and illness is important, I think. 

Today, though, I was heating up leftover pizza in the oven, singing an old favorite tune under my breath, and without really thinking I said to myself “life is good,” and meant it. Nothing special behind it, just a moment of quiet satisfaction with my state of being. Considering how the last few weeks have gone, that seems worth making a note of. 

NOTEBOOK/JOURNAL WEBSITES

So, upon browsing many many many blogs under the ‘studyblr’ and ‘studyspo’ tag along with YT I found a bunch of websites for people who want to get into the habit of writing in a journal for personal reasons along with inspiration for a Bullet Journal. Also, for college!

So this is another mass post of websites that sell cute journals for reasonable prices, there’s even a source for a Taobao agent which, if you know Taobao, you’re getting CUTE stuff for dirt cheap haha.

Enjoy!

Youtube video explaining a Bullet Journal in detail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfRf43JTqY4

The Journal Shop: http://www.thejournalshop.com/

Mochithings: http://www.mochithings.com/

Spreenow [Taobao Agent]: https://www.spreenow.com/products

Dokibook: https://dokibook.com/

Kikki-k: http://www.kikki-k.com/notebooks-journals

(PSA – if you’re buying clothes please be advised these closed are tailored around individuals who are very small framed / short. If you are taller or just weigh more I suggest visiting these websites mentioned below.)

Plus Size Taobao blogs

Cubby & Cute Taobao: http://chubbycutetaobao.tumblr.com/

Plus Size Taobao [I ALWAYS GO HERE!!]: http://plussizetaobao.tumblr.com/

Plus Size Taobao tags: http://plussizetaobao.tumblr.com/tags

A lot of times, life is like a sprint to the finish. But when I’m with you everything seems to slow down.
—  April 22, 2016

“wow people are triggered by everything these days”

actually people have always been triggered or otherwise upset by a wide variety of things, the change you are noticing is that more people in your immediate vicinity are starting to talk about why the things that upset them are upsetting instead of just internalizing all of it and being miserable. if you see this as a change for the worse, i hate you.

Day 2

December 7 2014

Out growing friends

Hello world,

There has been something on my mind recently. 

Can you outgrow friends? 

I remember one summer, when I was younger, I got a gorgeous, pink sequenced dress that I absolutely loved, I wore it all the time. By June, winter came and it was a little to chilly to wear it so I hung it up at the front of my cupboard so I could see it everyday. Over the next few months I had a growth spurt and I grew out of the dress, however I was determined to wear it one last summer. Finding a reason to keep wearing it I turned it into a matching two piece outfit. Eventually, I stopped wearing it because the material started to faded and crumble to pieces.

This is how I feel about most of my friendships; I have outgrown them but I am trying to find a reason to stay. Mind you I have always had an old soul personality, however over the past year I have matured and grown apart from my friends (and most of my entire grade). School feels like a penitentiary and my punishment is to be surround with immature, inconsiderate, hormonal teenagers. 

So can you out grow friends? 

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Infinite Passions xxx

“Talented” is such a strange word to me, because I’ve kinda been afraid of it for my than half my life. 

Let me explain.

I was one of those kids who found early school really easy, probably because I picked up reading early and had kind of a junior scientist shtick that I loved, I don’t know. Adults were quick to praise me as talented, especially regarding writing, and I ate it up. That said, whenever I aced a test without studying or got an A from a last minute assignment, my dad would tell me:

“It’s not always going to be this easy for you, y’know. You’re going to reach a point where you can’t get by without trying, and if you haven’t figured out how to study and work by then you’re going to have a rough time.” 

Then, right when I got to highschool, that prediction came true. In my four years there, I dropped from “top of the class” performance to barely above average. Worse still, by that point I really WAS trying, but none of it was helping. I didn’t know back then that I was dealing with ADHD, huge anxiety, and major depression, so I just thought I was doomed by my past lack of effort.

I figured that I’d hit the limit of talent, and didn’t have the skill /determination /fundamental human quality to go further. I saw others shoot past me while I struggled to hold my ground, and decided that talent was poison. Having things come easily to me at first had destroyed my ability to improve, obviously. Feeling like you peaked at 14 is a pretty harsh idea to deal with, disheartening to say the least. I was frankly terrified that I’d never be anything more than talented. 

So, for years after highschool, I hardly did any writing, didn’t really work on any skills, just kinda survived as best I could. I started to turn that around after about five years, when I went back to university and finished my BA, and then moreso when I successfully moved to from New Brunswick to Ontario. Being around positive, supportive friends here in Ottawa was a huge help, as was getting treatment for my mental illness. My ADHD diagnosis clinched it, tipping me over into believing my capacity for positive change.  

The nasty idea is still running around, of course, but it’s easier not to listen to it. Still, though, I often see people using the word talented and have to remind myself that it’s a compliment. It’s a strange, probably idiosyncratic little worry, but it’s also a helpful reminder of some of the unhealthy junk I’ve had to work my way through.  

i am really fond of how people have started using abstract ideas to talk about themselves and their identities. like, “my gender is early morning dew drops” “today my mood is watching the sunset through a bus window in the early winter” “my kintype is purple-hued photos of space.”  like, idk, there are a lot of feelings and states of being that make more sense to me as aesthetics than words? i dig this style of communication. let’s continue it into 2015.

Now Ive got 6 weeks off uni I gotta stop putting off drawing things i actually want 2 draw (and now i have my tablet & hopefully i hav photoshop tomorrow)

Okay so heres my list of Things 2 Draw
•Mae + Krem ~ Tevinter Transgenders
w/ bonus trans!Fenris
•Cousland, Hawke & Adaar
•Lil comic abt my cousland coming out 2 alistair abt gender (+ kisses)
•My adaar crossdressing
•Mae/Thorold
•Mae w/ florence ref
•Bull/Krem kisses
•Modern Fenris/more trans!Fenris
•Anders/Hawke kisses
•Actually learn 2 draw Anders???
•Fenris/Marian/Isabela + Merrill/Garrett/Anders cheek kisses w/ bonus Marian/Aveline & Varric/Garrett
•Lots more Maevaris

Day 1 on the full dose of the new medication. 

So far, I can say that it’s definitely having an effect, which is more than the half dose ever did. The sensation is…difficult to describe. It’s almost but not quite the reverse of the brain fog I get on bad days. Everything feels very clear and focused, and thinking is easy. I’m not sure how I’m faring on concentration, because the sensation of being in an altered mental state is still distracting, but it hasn’t caused me any difficulties yet. 

I’m also feeling more energetic than normal, though only by a slight degree. It feels like a very mild version of the restlessness I sometimes get when very anxious, but easier to channel into actually doing things. Plus, I don’t feel the normal compulsion to twitch, or fidget, or tap my legs or anything that I normally do when I get restless. I just feel…propelled, I guess, is the best word. Ready to do things. I’m not sure if I’d fare better sitting in a lecture this way, but I doubt I’d do any worse. 

I’ve got a decent amount of stuff to do today, so we’ll see how I fare at being productive. For now, I’m optimistic. 

26 February 2014

Got done therapy for my anxiety an hour ago, this is week 2 and its going nicely, I feel like I’m doing better than the first week. I wish there was more than that going for me right now though.

Good chance I might have hyperthyroidism, as I keep losing weight, constipated often, not sleeping a lot, trembling a lot now, etc. I have an appointment on the 4th to start the process of finding out.