Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #249
Merc with a Mouth #7
Written by Victor Gischler; Art by Bong Dazo, Jose Pimentel, Matt Milla;
Deadpool went with Headpool through a dimensional portal in a southern Florida swamp.
Major Wilson of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Art by Kyle Baker
He lands in the first world, surrounded by soldiers pointing guns at him. These solders are led by Major Wilson of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Deadpool is confused as he thought the portal would be a direct one into the zombie realm, but quickly recovers from his surprise and is excited to see another “member of the Wade posse”. He goes up for a high five, but is denied.
[Yellow]: This guy is a total knob. I thought we were cooler than that.
[White]: I KNOW we’re cooler than that helmet.
Deadpool decides they’re done here and that they’re going to go through the portal again. Major Wilson orders his men to capture Deadpool and they catch him in a net.
[Deadpool]: They got me, Head! Run! Save yourself!
[White]: Ha. Because he’s legless.
[Yellow]: Yes. That’s the joke.
Ten minutes later, Deadpool is chained up in a jail cell. Major Wilson questions Deadpool on whether there is an attack force that will follow Deadpool through the portal.
[Yellow]: Oh, hell. I can’t believe we’re the most sane person in the room.
Deadpool tries again to explain that they aren’t some advance scout and that they got to this universe by accident, but Major Wilson isn’t taking the risk when he’s the one responsible for the safety of the United States of North America.
The Deadpools clearly don’t like each other. Deadpool eggs on Major Wilson until he agrees to a fight.
Major Wilson removes his shirt and mask and prepares to fight.
[Yellow]: The son of a bitch is gorgeous.
[White]: No fair!
[Deadpool]: Come get messed up, pretty boy.
[Major Wilson]: You’re all mouth.
They fight hand to hand.
[Major Wilson]: You have some skill, I commend you.
[Deadpool]: And I commend you on your minty breath.
[Major Wilson]: I fail to see how good oral hygiene enters into this.
[Yellow]: I bet he flosses every day.
[White]: TWICE a day.
[Deadpool]: You utter bastard.
Deadpool fakes having a seizure, claiming that he and Headpool have a symbiotic relationship and he can’t survive having Headpool separated for so long. Major Wilson doesn’t buy it at first, but when he starts to doubt himself, Deadpool takes advantage and gets a sucker punch in.
Deadpool beats on Major Wilson.
[Yellow]: Whoa, cowboy. He’s out cold.
[Deadpool]: I felt like destroying something beautiful.
[White]: Hey, that’s from Fight Club.
[Deadpool]: Never talk about fight club!
Deadpool dons Major Wilson’s top and helmet.
[White]: Oh, come one, fashion victim. Not the helmet.
[Yellow]: It’s a DISGUISE, stupid.
[White]: I knew that.
As Major Wilson, Deadpool gets Headpool and gets to the portal just as the real Major Wilson returns. Deadpool falls into the portal amidst the gunfire.
Chapter Two: Rebel America
Art by Rob Liefeld
Deadpool and Headpool land in a new world, a partially destroyed city.
[Yellow]: Hey, what happened to the helmet and vest?
[White]: Continuity error. Alonso and Girner asleep at the wheel again.
Deadpool watches as Captain America takes down a group of men. He is kicked by a familiarly clad leg.
[Captain America]: You! Traitorous scum! It will be a pleasure to finally rid the nation of your filth.
[Wanda]: Now come on, Captain… I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.
[Deadpool]: Oh. My. Goddess.
[Headpool]: Will you %@$%& pick me up already?!
[Deadpool]: Okay, okay. Get a load of her.
[Headpool]: Va-voom. We’re hot! Why couldn’t I have been sent to this reality instead of stuck in dino-land with you?
[Deadpool]: Yeah, well, just watch and learn from this quality Don Juan action.
[Captain America]: Lady, it’s still not too late to do the right thing. Stop this rebellion and swear loyalty to your country. Your example will mean a lot to the other heroes who’ve made the wrong decision.
[Wanda]: It’s too late for that, and you know it. You’re supporting a government that’s appointed itself Big Brother, stripping away liberties, creating a fascist state “for our own good”. Also, I think shield’s are queer.
[Captain America]: This is the fate of our nation we’re talking about. I should have expected you wouldn’t take it seriously. Maybe I should just.
Deadpool jumps in and knocks Captain America down.
[Deadpool]: All part of the service, milady. Windbags disposed of romantic fantasies fulfilled.
[Wanda]: Well I didn’t need any help, but I do admire your fashion sense.
[Deadpool]: Yeah, we covered that in the last universe. What say we get a couple of Frescas and–
Deadpool is interrupted by Captain America smashing him with his shield.
[Captain America]: I didn’t know you had a twin brother.
[Wanda]: Never seen him but I like the cut of his jib. I freely admit I don’t know what a jib is.
[Deadpool]: And now it’s whoop-ass time. [an aside] Don’t worry, we’ll look up jib later in Wikipedia.
They exchange some blows, then Deadpool ducks off for a moment.
[Deadpool]: Hold him off. I’ll be right back.
[Wanda]: Leaving in the middle of a smackdown is no way to win a girl’s heart.
[Captain America]: Looks like your sidekick has taken a powder.
[Wanda]: You’re just jealous. Don’t fret. You have my FULL ATTENTION now.
Deadpool throws Headpool at Captain America. Headpool takes a solid bite of Captain America’s arm. While he’s distracted, both Deadpool’s knock him out with a flying kick and then pummel him to unconsciousness.
[Deadpool]: That’s some quality pummeling.
[Wanda]: I was about to say the same to you.
With Captain America down, his soldiers flee.
[Deadpool]: I’m going to have to take that arm off before the zombie virus spreads. The rest of him should be okay.
Having won the day, Wanda turns her attention to Deadpool.
[Wanda]: You’re quite the interesting chap. I wish I could think of some way to thank you for your help. Perhaps…
She raises her mask over her mouth
[Wanda and Deadpool kiss. Then then pull away.]
[Deadpool]: So… Uh… Maybe…
[Wanda]: Yeah… Uh…
[Deadpool]: That was odd.
[Deadpool]: I’m just gonna, you know, grab this head and Cap’s arm and take off.
Deadpool grabs Headpool, who is still munching on Captain America’s severed arm.
[Headpool]: So how was your first experience with inter-dimensional self-incest?
[Deadpool]: Shut up.
They go through the portal again.
Chapter Three: The Deadpool Kid
Art by Das Pastoras
Deadpool and Headpool land in some wild west style town, and are mistaken by the people as “The Deadpool Kid”.
A Western old Nick Fury (not the Samuel L. Jackson one) and a Western Wolverine face off against Deadpool.
[Yellow]: Logan. Perfect.
Deadpool tries to explain that they have the wrong guy and that he just wants to get back to the portal and will get out of their hair. And then The Deadpool Kid shows up, proclaiming, “Now that I have a new partner, me and this other Deadpool are gonna run this here town.”
And then shoots The Deadpool Kid in the head.
The old version Nick Fury and Wolverine have a beat, then Nick decides “Works for me” and Wolverine agrees.
Deadpool goes back to the portal.
They appear back into the swamp in southern Florida. Dr. Betty and Bill the Agent of A.I.M. are still there, and very unhappy by Deadpool’s return with Headpool. They have apparently been away for a few seconds.
Deadpool questions how that could be possible, and he gets an answer by the arrival of the Sorcerer Supreme.
[Deadpool]: am I seeing this right?
[Headpool]: It ain’t Pool-o-Vision.