To the left: Here’s the Ferrari garage after an angry German (currently MIA) had it’s way around. Don’t worry about the bodies of the dead mechanics and engineers. Marchionne was going to fire them anyway. The guy crying in the corner? That’s Maurizio Arrivabene. Drinking something foul from Kimi’s stash. Speaking of which, they’re trying to recover the Finn from his yacht at this very moment.
To the right: ah yes, the Mercedes garage. Why is it busier than usual? Ah, Toto Wolff had to hire 20 extra interns after yesterday’s events. Their only job is to try to shut down conspiracy theories from any Mercedes social media platform. Nico should be here soon, he busy trying to stay far away from an angry Niki Lauda. Lewis? He’s on the phone with his producer. Something about changing the genre of #Blessed, his upcoming album, from rap to screamo. Not sure why.
To the front: The Red Bull garage. Here, put these sunglasses on. It’s to stop Daniel Ricciardo from blinding you with his smile that he’s sporting since yesterday’s magnificent qualifying session. A sight to behold. And no, he has not stopped smiling. The big burly guys? Ah those are bodyguards hired by Christian Horner to stop Jos Verstappen from reaching little Max. Heard he is not too pleased. Christian had to replace a chassis already, he doesn’t have the time to swap replace the driver too.
To the very far back: Ah yes. Apparently there has been someone someone who has been alternating between cackling and screaming obscenities in a distinct Russian accent. Don’t know what that’s about. And that’s Fernando Alonso. He just finalized the adoption papers for Carlos Sainz Jr last night. He’s now Carlos Alonso Jr.
From Australia: “FERNANDO, STOP ADOPTING YOUNG DRIVERS. HE ALREADY HAS A FAMILY, FFS!”. Yes, that was Mark Webber.
I don’t know guys if you’ve ever heard the legend but it says that if you say “Jos Verstappen” three times in front of a mirror at midnight, he’ll come and take your seat in Red Bull Racing and give it to his son
1. He let his 17 year old child into a sport where every single drop of experience can save a life. After a year of racing in single seaters. Talent or not, this is too early. That’s one reason that would be enough.
2. He was visibly disgusted Max didn’t finish.
3. Re 2., you might think it’s being disgusted with the car. No, it’s with Max because:
a) MAX SAID HIS DAD DID NOT TALK TO HIM FOR A WEEK AFTER HE DIDN’T FINISH A RACE
b) Same interview, Max said his dad was always pushing him, okay that’s partially a good thing, but also that “basically all of his life has been like that” and that “it might be hard to understand”.
4. MAX IS SEVENTEEN.
5. Jos’ career wasn’t a shiny one so as soon as he had a chance to make Max go into F1 he jumped after it.
7. Yes, Max must’ve wanted to go into F1 himself, but after all of his life being literally brainwashed by Jos, and not wanting to disappoint his dad, he turned out to be what he sounds like in interviews - arrogant “I wanna beat all the records” type of guy.
8. Basically nobody would be hurt if they waited for a year more. Except for Marko’s and Tost’s and Jos’ bruised egos that they didn’t get an instant sensation.
I’m sure I forgot something. But I basically have a lot to say. So I hope I said at least the main points.
This happened at the 1994 German Grand Prix; Benetton were subsequently found to have tampered with the filters on their own fuel pumps during a season of controversy. The removal of said filter shaved pitstop times by 12.5% but ultimately led to this incident. During the subsequent investigation Benetton were exonerated due to mitigating circumstances.
Verstappen and four mechanics were burnt; none seriously. The fireproof equipment worn by drivers and mechanics alike proved their worth an infinite number of times over in this scenario.