I wrote this for my English class, it’s a satirical essay that mimics Johnathan Swifts’s “a Modest Proposal”. I was pleased with it, so I decided to post it on the internet for kicks.
Today, our country faces huge economic problems that have plagued us for a long time and might continue to plague us for longer still. The value of our dollar is decreasing and we’re in the worst economic trough we’ve been in since arguably the depression. It could be said that the person who could solve our current situation would be immortalized in textbooks and possibly even in stone, brass, or marble.
It is my belief that the solution that I’m about to present to you will not only solve our current predicament, but will prevent any future form of economic problem from ever forming ever again. I, being a mature and studious person, hope that you will be unbiased towards the proposal that I am about to bring forth. I have spent a majority of my time for the last several months toiling away at a solution and after thoroughly analyzing my thoughts and ideas I found this to be the most logical solution to the current state of our economy.
Through calculations, it has come to my attention that an ear of corn is equal to five American dollars. It is my intention to ultimately replace our current form of currency with corn. sixteen kernels will be worth one tenth of a unit of currency, Cobs (one fifth of an ear) will count as one unit of currency, an entire ear will be worth five units of currency, and a bushel will be worth a hundred units of currency. Any larger amounts will be counted by metric units of weight.
Firstly, by replacing the American dollar with a cob, we will be able to effectively control the rises and falls of our market and ultimately maintain an equilibrium. Since corn is an unlimited resource, we can grow as much or destroy as much as we see fit to control inflation and contraction. The peaks and troughs of our real GDP will eventually cease to happen over a long period of time.
Secondly, we will no longer need to take from our resources of cotton, paper, zinc, and copper in order to produce currency. These raw materials can go towards construction and international trade. Our coins can be smelted down to be made back into these raw materials and our paper currency can be turned into wallpaper, much like the Germans did in the 1930’s.
Thirdly, seeing as how a majority of our corn will go into our currency, there will be a large decrease in supply for corn and corn products on the international market. The corn shortage will cause the price of these products to skyrocket. Since the demand for corn is incredibly high, major countries and corporations will have no choice but to buy corn at the increased price. This will put more crude oil and gold into our reserves, making our country incredibly rich and allowing us to pay off our tremendous debt.
There are problems that come with this meager alteration, but I, being the highly intelligent scholar that I am, have found reasonable solutions for all of them. My primary concern is counterfeiting, so the corn must be genetically sterilized. All growing of corn will be controlled by the federal reserve and no food companies will be able to buy, sell, or grow corn intended for currency. To defend against biological warfare our reserve for corn will be heavily fortified. As for the rapid deterioration of corn, all records of how much corn a person has in a bank will be recorded both physically and digitally, so that we may restock that amount when the corn deposited becomes withered and mold-ridden.
This is the only way we will be able to fix our current economy. While others may think that lowering taxes or putting more government spending towards reforming our economy, it is plain to me that if my proposition is not made a reality, free-market trade, as well as society itself, will fall into ruin. While I am very pleased with the solution I have created, I will not be able to see it through for I am moving to Europe within the next month.
I AM WARNING YOU NOW THIS IS NOT A SERIOUS THING. WHAT I AM ABOUT TO POST IS NOT MY PERSONAL FEELINGS AT ALL. THEY ARE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE.
Now then, this is a somewhat not impersonation but kinda (I seriously can’t think of the word right now) of Johnathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” And for those of you who do not know who or what that is, you should go read it it’s rather hilarious. But in summary it is his satirical piece that he uses to get his point across to the Irish government. He wrote in the time when England basically owned and controlled all of Ireland and the Irish people were suffering through it. Swift gave many serious proposals to the Irish government, but they never listened. So in his anger he wrote his “modest” proposal were he simply explained how eating the children would benefit the country as a whole. He did it basically to screw with the government and to try and get his point across that they needed to do something, even if that something was just drawing the extreme line at child eating.
So! In my AP Literature and Composition class, after reading this, my teacher (who’s one of the most wonderful women I know, just saying) told us to try and write our own satirical piece just as Swift did. She told us to get angry over something and to basically reverse it and make our point. So that’s what we did.
My personal satirical piece was on gay marriage. I gave it to my friends to read, and they told me they found it eerily similar to how one of their friend’s opinions and views. And it’s in general how a lot of extremist think actually. So I thought that maybe my followers on here might read it.
I REMIND ALL AGAIN THAT THIS IS NOT MY PERSONAL OPINION OR VIEWS. THEY ARE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. IT IS A SATIRICAL PIECE I WROTE. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
I swear if I get bad mouthed for this I’m just going to be annoyed people.
At the Centre of the Island there is a Chasm about fifty Yards in Diameter… The greatest Curiosity, upon which the fate of the Island depends, is a Loadstone of a prodigious size, in shape resembling a Weaver’s Shuttle. It is in length six Yards, and in the thickest part at least three Yards over. This Magnet is sustained by a very strong Axle of Adamant passing through its middle, upon which it plays, and is poised os exactly that the weakest Hand can turn it…
By means of this Loadstone, the Island is made to rise and fall, and move from one place to another. For, with respect to that part of the Earth over which the Monarch presides, the Stone is endured at one of its sides with attractive Power, and at the other with a repulsive. Upon placing the Magnet erect with its attracting end toward the Earth, the Island descends; but when the repelling Extremity points downwards, the Island mounts directly upwards. When the Position of the Stone is obliqe, the Motion of the Island is too.
By this oblique Motion the Island is conveyed to different Parts of the Monarch’s Dominions.
For AP Lit. we have to write a satirical piece. On anything that pisses us off. She wants us to get angry and creative. Like Johnathan Swift in A Modest Proposal. Were he wrote about doing something outrageous to help the country of Ireland back in the day because no one would listen to his other ideas and proposals he presented seriously. So he took this and shoved it in their faces to see the extremity of his anger for people not doing anything.
So we get to write on whatever pisses us off. What ever society does or something the government forbids us to do. I’m so fucking excited to write this! Ah! I love the English language and writing!