john dave and rose and jade

updated my fuckin humanstuck headcanons

human au headcanons

kids

john [son]
* japanese
* what if hes genderfluid?? lord bless
* short n scruffy black hair
* shortish,, choice tum w stronk arms he lift a safe n rock some leggings

jade
* greek-iranian [hijabi muslim]
* hmrn.. hm.. transfemme demigorrl.. myes she/they
* u will never know [long v long straight black hair,, poliosis]
* Tall Buff Goddess
* im.. so gay..

dave
* mongolian-black [jewish]
* Coolest Trans Dude Around B-|
* shorter sides,, super curly dyed v pale red
* awkwardly tall n lanky eat some food
* he got them Good Ol Texan Freckles™

rose the It Girl™
* black-israeli [jewish]
* freshest trans gal this side a town
* imagine pidge gunderson but with an undercut dyed super light lavender
* short n fat n ready to crush your head with her bicep watch out preston michael smith ii
* matching Good Ol New York Freckles™
* she fell down a flight of stairs after her first kiss and i think thats beautiful

jane
* japanese
* see that gorl with the broken smile.. ask her if she wants cake
* curly pixie cut
* average height n super chubby but its exactly 62% muscle trust me karkat vantas called me at 5am and told me she can lift a fridge if she wants
* im slightly gay [understatement] for her[regular statement]?? jesus christ

jake is Small and Mighty
* greek-islam [muslim]
* Hey This “Gal” Is Actually A Bro So Please Be Nice To My Nephew
* straight n spikey but its not his Fault™
* short skinny and kinda curvy?? Rock Crop Top n Booty Shorts w leggings underneath n converse
* i am Gay for He

dirk
* black-israeli [jewish]
* dudebro is a cis guy ya
* Anime hair dyed ginger for some ungodly reason
* very tall very strong and unnecessarily nice legs

roxy!! omg hi sweet baby!! give her a darnkg cookie
* mongolian-black [jewish]
* mlady
* shoulder length n Curly and its Pink
* tall n curvy+buff its legit the best combo
* cats in possession: Over 9000™
* hearts in possession: mine😩😩💚💚🙏🏼🙏🏼

trolls

aradia
* japanese
* this gorl.. mhm.. bless
* long long wavy hair dyed dark red
* short,, fat,, ready 2 rumble,,
* has the cutest smile and a+ makeup skill
* loves her gf

damara
* japanese
* shes a LADY
* messy black bun with tips dyed bright red
* kinda short kinda curvy kinda Done With Your Shit
* kinky fucker
* god bless her

tavros
* laotian god
* dood
* dark brown mohawk
* gentle giant with a Flower Crown™
* nothing more to say hes a perfect child
* im.. gay.. smorch..

rufioh
* laotian
* boyy
* dark brown hair dyed bright red at the tips [duh]
* GentleGiant2.0 bigger n better
* one smile and you love he
* im gay for this man

sollux
* black
* boi
* short straight dyed white
* kinda tall and unnaturally skinny
* hes a haxxer kid u n00b

mituna!! 🐝🐝🍯🍯👈🏼😮
* black
* anoboy champ he/him
* messy.. v messy black hair tips dyed mustard yellow
* average height n chubby
* my baby!! so cute i LOVE HIM SO MUCH
* NOTHING IS HIS FAULT I WILL DEFENESTRATE ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE

karkat
* black-indian [albino]
* agender they/them
* short-shaggy and extremely curly but dyed black
* shorty got mad curves holy shit
* will “accidentally” slap u when u say quiet hands
* i love them so much.. im sorry im just so gay

kankri
* black-indian [partial albinism]
* trans gentleman
* hella curly hair he left naturally white
* tallish and curvy
* constantly stimming
* hes kind of an ass but i forgive him (uwu🌸)

nepeta
* zuni native american [arizona territory]
* winkte she/her or absent pronouns
* straight black hair a bit past her shoulders
* kind of short but broad shouldered and stronger than she looks
* will slap any “two spirit” culture-trending white enby
* no deborah you dont have a spirit animal if youre not native

meulin
* zuni native american [arizona territory]
* female
* loooooooong straight hair
* sorta short average muscle build and hella agile
* even spirit animals dont come this far shes just a fucking furry

kanaya
* turkish-iranian [shayla muslim]
* trans lady killin it
* curly pixie cut but u cant see it thats rude
* tall and curvy and STRONG
* please adopt me mother i wish for peace

porrim
* turkish-iranian
* mistress
* wavy midback black hair
* v tall v curvy
* shoosh the masses
* pap the means of reproduction
* not actually a communist
* my fav fictional feminist character 💚💚

terezi
* black-hispanic
* maam
* shoulder length ginger
* average height chubby with arms made for Fighting
* i want her to Punch Me In The Face

latula
* black-hispanic
* her honor
* long straight ginger hair
* tallish w/ A+ muscle build
* will steal yo gorl

vriska
* puerto rican
* bigender?? ya she/they pronouns
* long wild hair dyed dark blue
* tall and kinda skinny
* she lost her eye in a chem class accident back in highschool
* i will punch anyone who hates her
* 100% That Bitch™

aranea
* puerto rican
* my fav gal
* super wavy short hair
* kinda tall?? and kinda curvy?? not that strong ):B
* she made mistakes but she is still a Good Person
* loves her bae

equius
* nepalese-black
* a Demiguy Friend he/they
* shoulder length dreads
* average height awkwardly muscle-y
* Neigh™
* he just wants to be loved ok its not his fault hes sweaty and awkward

horrus
* nepalese-black
* bruh
* waist-length dreads in a ponytail
* short and slightly shrimpy but surprisingly stronk
* put that Horse Dildo away Young Man
* blease.. let him work it out with rufioh..

gamzee
* hispanic-white
* muxe they/them en ingles
* wild black hair they never brush
* jesus christ thats tall with practically nonexistent waist EAT SOME FOOD
* im still mad about what they did to terezi but Some garbage is OK
* needs therapy

kurloz
* hispanic-white
* guy
* hair is not as crazy as his sibs but Wow Its Wild!!
* ???somehow taller ??than gamzee ??even????????????? average muscle mass at least
* signs really quickly and fluidly yall i cant keep up ))):B

eridan
* german [white]
* bigender he/she/they
* kinda like one of those cuts where theres only hair on the top but its long enough to turn into a more feminine style and short enough to be interpreted as masculine and overall it gives no hints to assumption and yes its dyed violet
* a few inches above average height,, kinda curvy
* was actually really racist in canon but it could be ok because everyone has the Potential To Become A Better Person™

cronus
* first off hes a piece of fucking shit jot that down
* german [white]
* this boy is an absolute douchebag
* john travolta
* tall and buff but not awkwardly buff more like horny teenage football player buff or maybe teen fucking wolf
* could understand how much of a sack of flaming shitballs he is if he stopped trying to get in everyones pants
* is canonically dating andrew fucking hussie and is actually reclutant
* “coolest cat around” ok you burnt fucking lettuce

feferi
* black
* trans princess
* super long dreads that fade into pink
* short fat and beautiful
* loves her gf
* glub!! a lovely stim word

meenah
* black
* trans queen
* two long braids that fade from magenta down to black
* short chubby and STRONG
* loves her bae
* will high five random strangers wordlessly because why the fuck not shes awesome

cherubs

calliope
* white [albino]
* intersex sis
* her wig looks like Lapis Lazuli™ had white hair
* average height and skinny but its Just Not Healthy and her gfs worry
* breast cancer and it sucks but i believe shes gonna be ok

caliborn
* white [albino]
* intersex bro
* he dyed his hair white to the roots then shaved it for Aesthetics™
* average height average weight but hes surprisingly strong
* a Nerd
* actually loves his sister but She Cant Know bc if she does he will have to acknowledge that she Loves Him Too™

carapaces

the mayor
* black [duh??]
* yes sir mayor sir!!
* poofy lil afro u could put in pigtails
* super short omg cutie!! average weight
* my grandson
* mute but speaks with The Soul™ [and signing]

peregrine mendicant
* TEXAN AHAHAHA [white]
* the mum we dont deserve
* wears her hair in a tight wraparound bun
* tall and strong but is mum shaped
* is holding the shotgun when your boyfriend wrongs you

5

The whole “Dave realizes his home life was abusive and works on dealing with it” thing is so important to me you have no idea and i want the Superfriends to have an Encounter
(click for captions (if they dont show they should on the original post))

and i want bro to have an encounter with a FIST HAIIIYAH

A Homestuck Character arc summary:
  • The world is on fire
  • John: oh geez that sucks *does nothing*
  • Dave: this is fine hold on lemme take a selfie
  • Rose: I tried everything to put out this fire, nothing worked. The only viable solution is that I summon the forces of evil.
  • Jade: Oh no! :0 *falls asleep and only wakes up for the climax*
  • Karkat: OH MY FUCK THE WORLD IS ON FIRE WHY IS NO ONE PANICKING NO ONE IS REACTING APPROPRIATELY TO THIS *I’M* NOT REACTING APPROPRIATELY TO THIS I HATE MYSELF.
  • Aradia: This was rather inevitable. I brought marshmallows.
  • Sollux: no one lii2tened 2 me when ii told you guy2 you were doomed ii have no sympathy for thii2
  • Tavros: uH, wHAT IS GOING ON?
  • Nepeta: :33 < *ac is sad her ship sunk because they died in the fire* they were purrfect for each other!
  • Kanaya: I Am All For The Utilisation Of Diplomatic Methods In This Situation However If All Else Fails I May Try The Chainsaw
  • Terezi: VR1SK4 NO
  • Vriska: That’s right!!!!!!!! Twas I that set the world a8laze!!!!!!!! 8ut that was inevita8le and now I’ll put out said fire, making me the hero you all deserved.
  • Equius: Is no being going to acknowledge how STRONG and L00d I am despite the situation.
  • Gamzee: Im GlAd We ArE aLl BeInG GoOd FrIeNdS
  • ...nevermind
  • MURDER
  • Eridan: wwhatever, this is not my fault.
  • Feferi: Glub! I’m shore we can sort it out if we just talk about our feelings!
  • Jane: It can't be that bad...*is that bad* oh shucks.
  • Dirk: I can handle the fire but can somebody please help me with my failures as a human being.
  • Jake: Wowie! I can finally live the adventure of a lifetime, just like my heroes! (Jake you are just showing your ass) Just like my heroes!
  • Roxy: imma put out the fire and imma be hot af while doing so just watch me
  • Calliope: Such a thrilling epic UoU
  • Caliborn: BUUUUURN MOTHERFUCKEEEERS!!!!!!!!
Should you fight them: HS kids edition

John Egbert: why on god’s green earth would you fight John Egbert??? He just wants his friends to get along. Look at him, he’s just a big dork baby with glasses. He’d probably just offer to shake your hand with a shock buzzer on. Besides, kid’s fucking ripped. Giant hammers, expected to lift a safe, homeboy may not have beef w u, but he has BEEF. He’s been plagued by nightmares his whole life he already hates himself more than you Don’t fight him.

Rose Lalonde: think to yourself very carefully. Rose Lalonde is ready to rip imps and ogres apart at a moment’s notice. She’ll psyche you out without saying a word. She will kick ur ass. She has a vampire wife. Do NOT unless ur prepared. U must be prepared.

Dave Strider: no!!!! He has had enough fighting!!! Let!!!! Him!!!!! Live!!!!!

Jade Harley: raised by an aggressive dog God and always carrying guns. This should not have to be explained. That smile is deceptive.

Jane Crocker: Jane looks sweet and soft but honey she is READY 2 THROW DOWN. Her dad had to use a fridge to ground her and she sent a table 360 flipping through the air with one arm. She’s emotionally vulnerable, but that could turn on you REAL FAST. Be wary.

Roxy Lalonde: she could go for a few rounds, but literally why???? Roxy has gone through enough hardship and killed the Condesce leave her alone.

Dirk Strider: You could. And prolly win if ur good enough. But do you really want to??? He hates himself more than you could imagine. He’d beat himself up. Shits gone pear shaped straight up decapitate him he don’t give a FUCK.

Jake English: he’d love a round of fisticuffs. Mano el Mano. And he’d be so cheery and such a good sport about it. Fight Jake English. But friendly fight him. Being his enemy is dangerous.