More Top Moments in Early American History

- James Madison “accidentally” buys prostitutes for foreign ambassadors

- Jefferson eating a tomato like an apple at a dinner and everyone rushing off to find a doctor because Americans thought tomatoes were poisonous

- Washington and Lafayette falling asleep under a tree after Monmouth

- Washington cursing out Charles Lee after his retreat

- James Armistead Lafayette, who was a badass spy during the revolution and gave Lafayette vital information which led to the victory at Yorktown. Lafayette freed him and James was so grateful he took Lafayette’s last name

- Lafayette being given an alligator as a gift and, not knowing what to do with it, regifting it to John Quincy Adams

- the Constitutional Convention going out and getting turnt two days before the signing of the Constitution, and some of the additional charges being a broken chair, cups, and chamber pots

- John Hancock being smol

- Alexander Hamilton’s argument against hanging John Andrè basically being “he’s too pretty”

- Aaron Burr sleeping through Valentine’s Day

- Lafayette naming his ONLY son after George Washington

- Ben Franklin and John Adams once having to share a room with one bed and falling asleep arguing whether or not they should sleep with the window open or closed

- Ben Franklin taking “air baths” which consisted of him sitting naked in a bathtub for hours a day

- Aaron Burr having a knife hidden in the handle of his umbrella, and then LOSING said umbrella

- John Adams’ kid Charles once ran naked across Harvard Yard

- Alexander Hamilton losing his check book and having to write the bank of New York for a new one, while also requesting his account balance which he didn’t know, which he wrote in the check book, which he lost

- Aaron Burr hitting his head on the same pipe twice jfc he’s such a mess

- Thomas Jefferson getting a terrible headache for two days after behaving awkwardly in front of a girl

- John Adams naming his dog Satan

- Alexander Hamilton’s letters to his totally hetero bro™ John Laurens being censored by his descendants

- George Washington running for the House of Burgesses and getting his constituents totally smashed so they would vote for him

Since US history is all the rage now, I thought I’d share some of my favorite stories about the founding fathers.

-John Adams and Thomas Jefferson once visited the home of Shakespeare together… and both broke off pieces of one of the writer’s chairs so that they could take home souvenirs.

-When he was given an official surrender document during the French-Indian War, George Washington blindly signed the thing because he didn’t want to admit he couldn’t read French. In doing so, he basically solely accepted the blame of multiple war crimes. Somehow he wormed his way out of this… one of his methods was to blame his translator.

-Ben Franklin was forbidden from writing the Declaration of Independence because the founding fathers thought he would try to slip in puns and jokes.

-John Hancock was a convicted smuggler. Charges were dropped against him after he hired John Adams for a lawyer.

-Aaron Burr was a firm believer in the intellectual equality of men and women and lobbied for women’s suffrage.

-John Adams named his dog Satan.

-James Madison was our smallest president, at 5'4" and roughly 100 pounds.

-When he was 26, Washington bribed voters into electing him into office with alcohol… he gave certain voters about a half gallon for choosing him.

-Ben Franklin once wrote an essay urging scientists to “improve the odor of flatulence.”

-Jefferson warned Lewis & Clark to beware of giant sloths during their expedition.

-Adams and Jefferson were the original bros; after a lifetime of friendship, bitterness, and more friendship, they died hours apart on the same day- July 4th. Adams’ last words were, “Jefferson survives.” Well, not quite.

-Washington crossed enemy lines during the Battle of Germantown to return a lost dog to General Howe.

-The Star Spangled Banner was based off of a rowdy English drinking song.

-Alexander Hamilton’s descendants heavily edited and even hid some of his letters to his totally hetero bro, John Laurens, claiming “the content was embarrassing and indecent.”

-Ben Franklin opted for the turkey to be the U.S. national bird, claiming that bald eagles were cold and volatile.

-A few days before signing the Declaration, the Constitutional Convention got LIT. It’s rumored that the founding fathers drank 54 bottles of Madeira, 7 bottles of Claret, 7 bowls of spiked punch, 22 bottles of porter, 8 bottles of whiskey and 8 bottles of hard cider in this one night.

​Sometimes I wonder if our favorite historical figures look at us from the afterlife and say “that’s my person. That’s my person and I will guide them thru the next seventy-five years” and then there’s others that are more “you read my wife and I’s letters one more time and I will end you.”

What Ham says: Sit down John, you fat mother f*cker!

What Ham means: An open letter to the fat, arrogant, anti-charismatic, national embarrassment known as “President John Adams” (sh*t). The man’s irrational. He claims that I’m in league with Britain in some vast international intrigue?! Bitch, please! You wouldn’t know what I’m doing. You’re always going berserk, but you never show up to work. Give my regards to Abigail next time you write about my lack of moral compass. At least I do my job up in this rumpus. That line is behind me; I crossed it again, while the president lost it again. Aw, such a rough life, better run, tell your wife that the boss is in Boston again. Let me ask you a question. Who sits at your desk when you’re in Massachusetts? They were calling you a dick back in ‘76 and you haven’t done anything new since. You’re a nuisance with no sense. You’ll die of irrelevance. Go ahead, you can call me the devil, you aspire to my level, you inspire to malevolence. Say hi to the Jeffersons! And spies all around me, maybe they can confirm. I don’t care if I kill my career with this letter, I’m confining you to one term. You fat mother f*cker!

Founding Fathers age comparison.

In 1776, Benjamin Franklin was 70, George Washington was 44, John Adams was 41, Thomas Jefferson was 33, John Jay was 31, James Madison was 25, Alexander Hamilton was 21 and James Monroe was 18. 

which founding father should you fight?

George Washington: chances he will knock you out = 10000%.
Washington, Washington, six foot eight weighs a fucking ton. (not actually true but still) Your puny ass has no chance. He’s gonna wipe the floor with you like he did with the Hessians on Christmas Eve.

John Adams: chances he will knock you out = 20%.
Idk man. He’s a little teapot, short and stout. Incredibly crusty. Tilt him over and give His Rotundity a good push. Might call you a whore though.

Ben Franklin: chances he will knock you out = 35%
This fucking old man will invent a death contraption just to get your ass and then sleep with your family, friends, and neighbors. Exercise caution when fighting.

Alexander Hamilton: chances he will knock you out = 60%
Will try to argue at you. When that fails, he’ll screech at you and go all out. Kind of small and pretty but military trained and no self preservation in sight. Challenged the whole Democratic-Republican party to a fistfight once. A nightmare to fight.

Thomas Jefferson: chances he will knock you out = 50%
Ok here is someone you really should fight but probably can’t. Who wouldn’t want to punch that hypocrite face? His height gives him a slight advantage, though, and his journalists can ruin your reputation even if u ruin him.

Aaron Burr: chances he will knock you out = 60%
Most of the people who want to fight him will probably end up sleeping with him instead. If you’re in the minority, good luck. He’s a total lightweight. Don’t duel though. 

James Madison: chances he will knock you out = 0%
Ok what had the world done to you to make you want to fight Madison you cruel creature go burn down an orphanage or something instead.

The Founders, Explained With Gifs

George Washington: 

John Adams:

Alexander Hamilton:

Thomas Jefferson:

James Madison:

Thomas Paine:

John Hancock:

John Jay:

Paul Revere

Patrick Henry

Abigail Adams:

Aaron Burr:

Richard Henry Lee:

Albert Gallatin


Sam Adams:

Benjamin Franklin: