joeschmitt

July 20, 2009
  1. The word “tsunami” is not in my phone’s T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says “Trumang!”, get the fuck off the beach.
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 114
  2. Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn’t damage all that credibility she built up as the center square.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107
  3. Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97
  4. First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say “club”.

    This means you, Jeremy.

    Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses.

    *Jeremy*.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  5. I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn’t have a sexual history.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76
  6. “I just bought a pedometer.”

    “Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73
  7. Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70
  8. Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite.

    Excellent.

    Stage One is complete.

    Initiate Stage Two.

    Release the Moose Commandos.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  9. I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  10. I can’t dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card.
    These Whitestrips must be working.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65
  11. 1) Wake up
    2) Brush teeth
    3) Feed fish
    4) Take meds
    5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4.

    Again.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 61
  12. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61
  13. Gnats are super attracted to me today. I’m a magnat.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59
  14. My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  15. Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
    A: The pitbull doesn’t blame the media for all its problems.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  16. My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53
  17. Reading comic books in bed by flashlight.

    Still pretty awesome.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  18. Wife: “I’m pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51
  20. Today at the Zoo I saw a Lion & a Giraffe & a Rhino & a Zebra & an Elephant & at least 5 Cougars that my Wife wouldn’t let me pet.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 49
May 19, 2009
  1. Man. Justin Timberlake is *everywhere* nowadays.

    He just helped me empty the dishwasher.

    Nice guy.

    Smells like milk.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 112
  2. Apparently there are people who regard “there are no bad ideas in brainstorming” as a challenge.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 89
  3. Mexican police found three heads in a plastic foam cooler today. Probably the worst picnic lunch ever.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 78
  4. I would give my left testicle to ride a bicycle like Lance Armstrong.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69
  5. Nature abhors a pantsuit.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 69
  6. The dog spends hours tongue bathing his own wiener but he won’t touch the McGriddle I brought him. This should probably teach me something.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 66
  7. Just following orders is no excuse for the recent crimes perpetrated by my alarm clock.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65
  8. Temp I hired is wearing socks with sandals and a fedora (yes, indoors) and says it “looks cool”.

    I can’t fire him until I stop laughing.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 63
  9. Profoundly funny tweet #1847987749 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 62
  10. The Senate passed a credit card overhaul bill today. It was approved after two swipes.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61
  11. RIP Patrick Swayze death rumor.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 60
  12. No offense, science, but I’d always hoped the missing link would be a monkey skeleton wearing a hat. I’m underwhelmed.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59
  13. Watching Fox News, I’m disappointed in Cheney for letting Nancy Pelosi force him to torture people. It’s like the man has no moral compass.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 59
  14. Almost fell on my ass because my socks slipped as I was trying to pick a wedgie. Walking in beauty like the night over here, folks.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 55
  15. Dressing a baby is like putting socks on an octopus. Sure it’s fun at first, but I mean, how long can a baby hold it’s breath underwater?
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55
  16. If, nine years ago, someone told me I’d have a slim TV to distract my kids with at resturants, I would have said “Shit! I have kids?!”
    @ShawnaF (Unavailable) – 54
  17. My daughter is wearing Uggs with shorts.

    Man, I’m gonna miss her after I disown her.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54
  18. A good way to choke to death is to eat a spoonful of dry pancake mix out of the box. Just in case anyone else thought it would be delicious.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 52
  19. I don’t understand how Jimmy Fallon has his own late night talk show. It’s like giving Stephen Hawking his own running shoe.
    @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 51
  20. “I stayed up all night reading The Bell Jar.”

    “You mean you got Plathtered.”

    “I hate you.”
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 51
August 31, 2009
  1. I went back in time and stepped on some butterflies and now Jeb Bush isn’t president anymore. You’re welcome.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 126
  2. Oh crap.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91
  3. Macaulay Culkin might be Blanket’s mystery father. So, you know, this whole Michael Jackson story could get weird.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 75
  4. Every year I don’t go to Burning Man is a year I don’t die in a desert.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58
  5. Alarm clocks and credit cards are my way of screwing with future me.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57
  6. Jenna Bush is now a correspondent for the ‘Today’ show. Nice to see someone overcome the obstacle of having powerful parents.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55
  7. I ain’t gonna be on my deathbed regretting all the things I never did and that’s why I did your mom and that’s why I’m on my deathbed :(
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 54
  8. Sisyphus should try vacuuming with cats.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  9. Things I’ll Never Combine Ever Again: A bowl of rice pudding and an Animal Planet show about parasite larvae.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 52
  10. If you consider making a wireless router and a dead cactus make-out “procrastinating”, then yes, I am procrastinating.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51
  11. I doubt that any of my tweets are being plagiarized, but just in case I’m going to pee on every one of them.
    @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 50
  12. I always try to talk to newborns to find out if they happened to notice an area marked with a “G” on their way out.

    so far.

    I got nothing.
    @theduty (duty) – 50
  13. I get my nepotism from my dad.
    @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 48
  14. I don’t even know what to apologize for any more.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46
  15. I ate something I found in the waiting room refrigerator and now my insides want to be on the outside.

    Tell my family I love them.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45
  16. The Hollywood fires are God’s way of saying he doesn’t want a 'Footloose’ remake without Zac Efron attached.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44
  17. America. If you like our airlines, banks, cable news, mobile providers and dominant operating system, wait till you see our health insurers.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 44
  18. I never met a shitty day that your tits in my face couldn’t improve.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43
  19. Given where most of us are probably reading it, maybe the book should have been called 'Shitter Wit’.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 42
  20. I can tell this waitress is a pro because she always stops to ask if we need anything at the moment I’ve just taken a huge bite of food.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 42
August 10, 2009
  1. Next person who says “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” will learn that it’s not my fist, but the impact.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 160
  2. Show me on this doll where Monday touched you.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 127
  3. A statue of Lenin fell and crushed a Belarus man today. You have to admit, Lenin’s still got it.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 85
  4. Gravity. What a downer.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82
  5. Low-flow toilets are like having only dial-up access to your building’s plumbing.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 80
  6. Your baby sure can take a punch!
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77
  7. The box office performance of ‘Transformers’ and 'G.I. Joe’ makes me feel pretty good about my Easy-Bake Oven script.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76
  8. Behind every great tweeter is an insane friend providing quotable material.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 68
  9. Facebook is a good match for FriendFeed, insofar as I’ve never understood why I’d want to use either of them.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 66
  10. The thing I hate about my neighbor is how gay he looks when I’m jerking him off.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 65
  11. That guy had “shitty barista” written all over him.

    Well, technically, he did *after* I grabbed his Sharpie.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 64
  12. Back home to a bathroom that understands me.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 60
  13. Condoms: If you prick us, do we not breed?
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 60
  14. “And so the moral of Shrek is, donkeys can fuck dragons.”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 58
  15. Our neighbor is moving and to shed possessions she gave me 2 bottles of gin out of her liquor cabinet. OMG, I’M GONNA MISS WHAT’S HER NAME.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 57
  16. I’m going to help this flirting couple by staring at them. They can be all “What’s that creepy girl’s deal?” when the conversation stalls.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 56
  17. You have to be pretty [sic] to be a copy editor.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 55
  18. Oh, porn mag discarded in a puddle. Print truly is dead.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  19. It’s going to be 98.6 degrees today in Washington. I can’t wait to experience the exquisite comfort of that perfect inside-outside balance.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54
  20. My brother uses me as an example that kids can be awkward and crummy at sports and still turn out OK. I am SO writing a sad poem about this.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53
October 23, 2009
  1. For the record, many countries spell certain English words differently. For example, we spell “health care” as “a basic human right”.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 153
  2. My youngest says if she had a time machine, she’d go back and pick a different ice cream flavor. (Sorry, Holocaust Jews.)
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 144
  3. While it’s tempting to call them “baristi” because of the Italian roots, the plural of “barista” is “journalism majors.”
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 92
  4. For Halloween I’ll be a banker. I’ll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don’t get more candy we all starve.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 90
  5. Dates should be formated as MM/DD/YY except for the years 1990 through 1992, which should be denoted in ‘Hammer Time.’
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 75
  6. “An Inconvenient Truth” is the chewing gum in the small intestine of my Netflix queue.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68
  7. Honestly, I wouldn’t have drank if I would’ve known you’d be so “put your clothes back on-y.”
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 65
  8. My estate lawyer says I can’t request to be buried in a hot tub. Pardon me: my EX-estate lawyer.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 64
  9. Will somebody catch the fucking snitch already? I’m tired of all the sports tweets.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 63
  10. If my friends really cared about me, they’d accept me for who I am: an antisocial homebody who never wants to spend time with them.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 62
  11. My husband is such a dick.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 61
  12. Look, I’m sorry to straight-bash, but I’m just worried that heterosexual mariage is going to be taught in schools. To our CHILDREN.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 57
  13. look, you know I love playing games as much as anyone…but “let’s hug each other tight til one of us gets a boner” has lost it’s edge, dad.
    @theduty (duty) – 56
  14. Fuck EVERY SINGLE ONE of you.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 55
  15. Me: I don’t feel well.

    CW: Tummy ache?

    ME: Actually, I don’t have a tummy. When I was 12 I had it removed and replaced with a stomach.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54
  16. I have hair growing _out of my nose_. Do I get one of those trimmers, or go out honorably with ritual suicide? All options are on the table.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50
  17. “So why are you moving to Washington?”
    “Just for the halibut.”
    “Everyone is going to hate you.”
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49
  18. Work sucks but won’t even let me come in its mouth.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 48
  19. I’d lose more weight but I think the people who sit next to me on the bus will really miss the spillover thigh-to-thigh contact.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 48
  20. It’s impossible to find a good chocolate bunny this time of year.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47
November 10, 2009
  1. The Kindle app lets me read a book on my iPhone while listening to a book on my iPhone. I’m reading “Wuthering Mockingbird” or something.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104
  2. The best thing about babies is using the soft spot to hold your drink. Just push, twist, and you don’t want me to babysit anymore, do you?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 96
  3. I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.
    @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 94
  4. I’m so old and boring my safe word is STOP.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 91
  5. Time flies when you’re paying by the hour.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
  6. I reached between her legs and whisked something out. I shrieked: “IS THIS YOUR CARD?” Lost my OB/GYN license but gained your mother!
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77
  7. Scientist have successfully regrown rabbit penises. Offering men with erectile dysfunction hope that they, too, can have a rabbit penis.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73
  8. That Facebook notification should say “Joe Schmitt has been tagged in an old photo that he wishes had been lost forever.”
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70
  9. That salad was so disgusting I had to eat an entire carton of ice cream just to get the taste out of my mouth.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 70
  10. I don’t have any specialized education or training in awkward hugging, but man oh man do I have a lot of field experience.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 61
  11. My Captain Crunch got soggy, and it made me think of how fragile life really is.
    @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 61
  12. “What was our neighbor’s name again?” “Uh, I don’t remember.” “What was his dog’s name?” “Jack.”
    @poeks (Poeks) – 58
  13. If Dockers and a golf shirt are wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Or fashionable. Or remotely attractive to the opposite sex.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56
  14. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I’m just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56
  15. If you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re really fucked if you run into anything face first.
    @Beef_Tongue (Canterbury’s Tail) – 55
  16. Profoundly funny tweet #5573641990 (?)
    @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 54
  17. Wait a minute! This is November! That wasn’t Santa!

    Although, to be honest, I did notice that his beard was fake when we were making out.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53
  18. All three of my meals today were vegetarian. In other words, an entire day *wasted*.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 49
  19. After starting your fourth email with “I’m not neurotic or anything,” you kind of have to accept your defeat.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49
  20. I’m definitely going home with the Mom of the Year award. I took the double A’s out of my vibrator so my son can play SpongeBob Operation.
    @crackbarbie (Crack Barbie) – 49
October 28, 2009
  1. Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I’d still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 151
  2. If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 135
  3. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.

    If you *still* don’t succeed, there’s always grad school.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87
  4. It’s too bad I’m not gay because I live right near the Castro and I really enjoy sex with men.
    @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 82
  5. For Halloween I’m going as an iPhone. I’ll be the life of the party for a few hours, but then run out of energy and pass out on the couch.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 81
  6. Three years ago today, I said, “I do” to no more blow jobs.

    Happy Anniversary, Honey.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 72
  7. The mummy exhibit at the Field Museum is amazing. It’s like you’re really there with Larry King.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67
  8. Profoundly funny tweet #5215541143 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 63
  9. I always cry at my mom’s weddings.
    @Remiel (Remiel) – 60
  10. As I was running 3 cold rainy miles at 5AM it occurred to me that I could just tell the internet I ran, and it couldn’t prove that I didn’t,
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 59
  11. If you cannot find the source of a quote, make one up. Nobody’s reading your story anyway. Get over yourself.
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 59
  12. “You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 58
  13. Telling me you are a Six Sigma Black Belt has the exact opposite effect you believe it has.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57
  14. I invented a new low intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57
  15. I like it when she screams my name during sex.

    I just wish she wouldn’t send her husband to scare me away from the window.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56
  16. *NEW* A social network for lawyers. Like Twitter except you get 140,000 characters plus a 4-paragraph disclaimer. It’s called Litter.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  17. Funny how people only cite karma when bad things happen to people they don’t like.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54
  18. I have no issue with raisin cookies per se. But if you lead me to believe they are going to be chocolate chip, I get Crying Game flashbacks.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. Well, I have a lot of work to do and it’s not going to get done on its own so I better just pull up my socks and now my ankles are too hot.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  20. Fitted sheets are the reason I drink.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52
May 14, 2009
  1. Oh my gosh I didn’t mean to knock you off your tricycle! Here, let me hold your ice cream sandwich while you LATER ASSHOLE
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 157
  2. In an effort to combat growing viewer apathy, it will henceforth be called Missing-White-Girl Flu.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 84
  3. If someone asks if your child can come out and play, first confirm:

    1. Is their homework done?
    2. Is it raining?
    3. Is it Michael Jackson?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67
  4. Under the bridge. That’s how I troll.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 66
  5. Sleep deprivation isn’t torture. Why, I’m sleep-deprived right now, and it’s not affecting nam myoho renge kyo sleestak word up chumbawamba.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 66
  6. You do realize ordering a decaf latte at 8AM is why these total strangers behind you in line banded together and shivved you, right?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  7. The grocer just offered me a free ham, which is pretty much the ultimate conundrum for us Jews.
    @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 63
  8. Thing #7 shouted in rage tonight: That’s it, we’re getting a fucking salad spinner. Thing #8: I don’t care what color just fucking order it.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 62
  9. Meeting done. I may have prolonged it by accidentally being interesting towards the end. Not my usual style.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59
  10. You can tell this bar is full of Republicans by the way they tuck their shirts in.

    That, and the racist chit-chat.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 59
  11. Some men prefer Betty. Others, Wilma. Then there are those of us who keep eyeing all the huge dinosaur steaks.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57
  12. It’s my way or the highway. Unless your way involves actual highways, in which case this shouldn’t be construed as an expressed endorsement.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  13. If getting your penis stuck in the metal gears of a Billy Bass mouth in a crowded restaurant is wrong, I don’t want to be wrong. Ever again.
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 54
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #1796649640 (?)
    @awryone (Unavailable) – 51
  15. I attached a pedometer to my cat. He took 67 steps and burned 15 calories all in one poop.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 50
  16. Please help me remember why I had an alarm set just now for something called “Mustache Commander”. Seriously. Who’s the wise guy.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 49
  17. Hey, bumper sticker: if mean people sucked, most of my relationships would have lasted longer.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 49
  18. We’ve removed doors as they don’t scale. In the months ahead, our designers will brainstorm new ways to facilitate your enter & exit needs.
    @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 47
  19. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

    What do you mean it’s not a milkshake?

    A baby?

    But the straw fits right-

    Oh god.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47
  20. Today I’ve already completed three big, daunting tasks on my to-do list. Four, if you include “Post lame ‘to-do list’ joke on Twitter.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46
November 2, 2009
  1. At 19, hearing “I love you” made me melt. At 29, “You were right” makes me swoon.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 105
  2. Why is everyone on that baseball team wearing a Jay-Z cap?
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 93
  3. Juan is the loneliest plumber. Chu is just as sad as Juan. He’s the loneliest plumber since the plumber Juan.
    @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 70
  4. You memorized a few Bible passages. So? I know all the words to Stairway To Heaven but you don’t see me boring the train reciting it.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 68
  5. “It’s OK,” the naked, floppy-boobed woman said in the locker room. “We’ve got the same parts.” Not quite. I can’t play tetherball with mine.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65
  6. I bet one of the best things about living in ancient times was being able to push somebody off the edge of the world.
    @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 65
  7. It’s funny how, even when the ice cream is actually making you cry harder, you convince yourself that one more spoonful will stop the tears.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64
  8. Profoundly funny tweet #5351373325 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 64
  9. STAR WARS Episodes IV-VI are to be referred to as “The Original Trilogy.” Episodes I-III are not to be referred to at all.
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 61
  10. Every morning I wake up, get dressed for work and resist the urge to tie a Windsor Noose.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61
  11. I ran away from home two days ago and my wife still hasn’t come looking for me! It’s not like she doesn’t know where my boyfriend’s loft is!
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56
  12. If we would have lied in the beginning, girls, we could’ve had three weeks of being crazy and eating chocolate instead of just one.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55
  13. Celebrities are so rude. Not one of them has sent me a toenail in return.

    This diorama is never gonna be finished.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51
  14. Next month let’s all be dentists.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 49
  15. STARTED TWITTER MEME

    #sadepitaph
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47
  16. I bet when Victoria’s Secret hands out pink slips, it can get a little confusing.
    @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 47
  17. How the fuck did he learn the F word?

    Oh.
    @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 46
  18. Don’t you judge me, Whole Foods woman. The only differences between us are that you use cloth shopping bags & I shave my armpits.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46
  19. Just an idea: Take a few months and write a good novel. No rush.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45
  20. I think the voice in my head sounds like Oprah, or maybe it’s just Nell Carter. Either way, this fifth donut should shut her up for awhile.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 43
August 15, 2009
  1. What do you mean “a headache”?! But I just dragged two bathtubs into a spring meadow!!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  2. You say I’m pedantic, yet I am quite certain you are unaware of the word’s true definition.

    So stop showing me your feet.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  3. I’m doing manly chores around the house like banging on the doohickey with a hammer and yelling at that other clacky thingie.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60
  4. No, officer, I wasn’t texting while driving; I was tweeting. Your ticket is invalid.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58
  5. I guess I preordered the wrong Beatles Rock Band because Ringo Starr just showed up. I can’t understand a word. What do I feed him?
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54
  6. 2 wks ago: Partying in Manhattan;
    1 wk ago: Vacation with family;
    Now: Drinking & Watching Kubrick alone;
    Next week: Van, down by the river.
    @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 53
  7. Screamed “*YOU SUCK!*” at Spotlight, and the “Top Hit” was a thoughtful rebuttal from Phil Schiller.

    Which wasn’t what I was searching for.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
  8. At the drive-thru distributor, my son asks “why do you need beer?” It’s been six years, and he doesn’t know me at all.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 47
  9. That bottle of bourbon has been flirting with me from across the room all night.

    I’m a married man come here you.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46
  10. “How you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?” Kanye, why you in a room full of hoes? Lets start there.
    @Yayaa (Yaya) – 44
  11. The elevator music crept into my ears and killed me quietly. I’m a victim of the ninjazz.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 42
  12. when I was a kid, fixing all my problems was as simple as giving a Nintendo cartridge a good blow.

    …god, nothing ever changes with me.
    @theduty (duty) – 42
  13. It doesn’t surprise me that Palin imagined such a thing as Death Panels. After all, she thought teen abstinence was a thing.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 42
  14. No matter what I do, she thinks I’m an asshole. It’s almost like I really AM an asshole.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 41
  15. One step closer to my dream of becoming a professional brunch eater.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41
  16. Why did I ram my cart into your legs? Maybe, IDK, CUZ U R AT A DEAD STOP IN THE AISLE TEXTING UR BFF JILL?
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 40
  17. Sometimes I fart in public just to feel alive.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 39
  18. I did not just make a margarita out of lemonade, LOL. There was some Crystal Light involved. Maybe Tang. HAHA no YOU’RE crying.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39
  19. Winter in San Diego is rapidly approaching, soon I will have to put away my summer t-shirts and take out my winter t-shirts.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 38
  20. I bet cutters really hate it when life hands them lemons.
    @UCMike (Out of Context) – 38
March 7, 2009
  1. Ever feel that platypuses are trying too hard? “Look at me! I lay eggs! But I’m a mammal! Check out this sweet bill! Oh god, I’m lonely.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
  2. Does this streak of melted cheese on my iphone screen make me look fat?
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 42
  3. If I get a note from my doctor, can I get out of the upcoming Depression? I have very soft hands.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
  4. Not only did I go to a baseball game today, I ate hot dogs and Cracker Jack. Now I want to make out with the Statue of Liberty in a Chevy.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 37
  5. Are you kidding me? The iPhone just corrected “nerd” to “need”. Exactly WHO does Apple think buys these things?
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 34
  6. As middle son sucks Sprite into his nose through his straw, I make a note to myself: Cancel paternity test appointment Monday.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 32
  7. There is absolutely nothing you can say to dissuade me that under every Sikh’s turban is a large, delicious pineapple.
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 30
  8. Who cares about intellectual property rights? I don’t own any intellectuals. Is there even a market for them, really? They’re quite common.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 30
  9. OH: “Well, I guess you can take the boy out of the frat house, but you can’t take the cock out of his ass.”
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 30
  10. 98% sure one of the occupants upstairs has a peg leg.

    and is currently running in a circle.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 29
  11. Crossed paths with a lady in a cape, carrying a glass of wine while she took a walk. I didn’t know that was a thing but IT TOTALLY IS. DIBS.
    @mayjah (mayjah) – 29
  12. You know how some people end up needing more and more porn to climax? I’m having the same issue. But, with pizza.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 28
  13. Who has four hooves and just ate my corn dog? This pony.
    @HotAmishChick (HotAmishChick) – 27
  14. Morning nookie is like receiving your paycheck as soon as you arrive at work.
    @AinsleyofAttack (Ainsley Drew) – 27
  15. Hot Cheerleader Who Wouldn’t Even Speak to You In High School Has Superpoked you! Click here to acknowledge the irony!
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 26
  16. One does not simply walk into Mordor. There are auditions. Then you will go live in the Orc House. It will televised. This fall on VH1.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 26
  17. Christ, hasn’t the economy improved yet? I’m drinking as much as I can.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 26
  18. Sipping scotch whilst watching a Star War. These opening titles are hard to read. Tilting the screen doesn’t help.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 24
  19. I will now log off Twitter in order to give you the impression I am doing something interesting.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 24
  20. “Perforated rectum?” Whatever. I didn’t want to play charades anyway. Why would you even invite me to your sucky party, Mom?
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 23
March 9, 2009
  1. Eschewing whoop-ass, Canadians are more likely to open a can of Fresca on you. Careful! You’ll be refreshed!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64
  2. My trainer’s all like “Cheese-Its are a bad post-workout snack.”

    And I’m all like “I left the gym an hour ago. Why are you in my kitchen?”
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 53
  3. Had a dream I had sex with Rosa Parks. Oddly, we did it standing up.
    @MODAT (Modat) – 51
  4. Saving of daylight is not going to jumpstart this economy. We need to start spending our grandchildren’s daylight. C'mon, people!
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 47
  5. You folks with the Wii Fits know about the pay-per-view channel where the rest of us watch you, right?

    Keep it up, that’s some funny shit.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 44
  6. So you’re telling me that taxes stifle innovation more than, say, banning and underfunding sound scientific research?Huh.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 44
  7. If your spouse asks, “You’re not Twittering _again_, are you?” but you’re actually playing iPhone bowling, the truth will not set you free.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43
  8. FACT: Scientists have proven that sex cures headaches, but the findings have been suppressed by the powerful observational comedy lobby.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  9. Jogging is the best way to trick your neighbors into thinking you’re normal.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 41
  10. I tried to explain podcasts to her dad. “It’s like camping next to a couple of guys who know you can hear them. One plays a kazoo.”
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 38
  11. I admire people who send me e-mail expecting a quick response. America needs that brand of rugged, screw-the-odds optimism. Especially now.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
  12. The thing about having a bigger rack than my sister is that her kids are fascinated by it. Haven’t been groped this much since summer camp.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 37
  13. Podcasts are like baby alligators. You want one ‘cause they’re cute, but then you flush it and it mutates in the sewers and hobos ride them.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
  14. As a birthday gift to my husband, I am not calling him out on any of his bullshit today. It won’t be easy.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 36
  15. Told that my nephew went for a walk with his toy shopping cart, I said, “Aw, he was playing hobo!” Nobody laughed and I missed you people.
    @superfantastic (superfantastic) – 36
  16. When making coffee, use a coffee filter. Do not use a box of taco shells.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 33
  17. There are certain people who shouldn’t say “Let’s bounce”
    to indicate a desire to depart.

    They are everyone.
    @ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 33
  18. sometimes, i don’t think i’m old enough to use a spoon, and other times i just catapult food all over my face.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 33
  19. Coming up too fast on the end of Chris Moore’s new book, so I shut off the audiobook & tried to think about baseball to make it last longer.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 33
  20. Hallmark has nothing for “Sorry I bailed on your baby shower but I couldn’t bear your staying with that abusive fuckwad who knocked you up.”
    @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 32